To really wish my parents hadn’t decided to make my middle name my given name

[abigbloodynuisance]

This has always annoyed me. Names are fictitious.

Name is Anna. Middle name Doris. Surname Donaldson.

Parents realise Doris Anna Donaldson spells DAD and think it’s funny so decide to go with that. But I’ve only ever been known as Anna. However, passport, driving licence, etc, are all Doris Anna.

It’s caused so many problems in big and small ways and mostly it’s just embarrassing having to explain myself. (It doesn’t help that my actual name is foreign so I always have to spell it anyway!)

I know I’ll get people who haven’t RTFP telling me to change it but since my line of work requires me to state any name changes it looks a bit peculiar and looks like I used to be called Doris and decided myself to be Anna and I didn’t!

So AIBU for being a bit fucked off about this? Note ‘a bit.’ I haven’t been stewing on it for forty odd years but it does annoy me a bit.

* I’m not generally prone to being dramatic, tbh.*

This made me chuckle

@emilyfrost

YABU because it’s a problem that has an easy solution yet you won’t do it because you think it’s “odd”.

You quite clearly have social issues a surrounding you “not wanting to make a fuss” and “flying under the radar” which you really should address.

People have hang ups about all sorts of things that others don’t. I don’t think having a hang up about changing your name is indicative of anything bigger needing addressing tbh. Generally people who don’t like standing out for whatever reason manage to get through life perfectly okay. It’s not something that needs ‘fixing’.

Tbf I am old and unusual names were remarked upon, often not particularly kindly, when I was a child. I think they are less of a big deal now.

Not quite the same situation, but I have two surnames (everyone in Spain does) and when I’m abroad I only use the first one, as otherwise people assume my first surname is my middle name (I have none), and my second surname is the actual surname. So I’m Sarah Jones Brown but people only read Sarah Brown (unusual surnames that can’t be easily recognised as such like Jones and Brown). Professionally I’m only known by my name + first surname, as I started my career in Spain and that’s what people there default to.

The problem comes like you said, when you need to do official paperwork. Then I need to use my full name so it matches my passport/diplomas/tax number... So I apply for X grant and need to personally call or email my referees who have only ever known me as Sarah Jones, to explain why it’s important that every form they fill for me in needs to say Sarah Jones Brown.

So I get it OP. It’s not actually a big deal but YANBU to be a little bit annoyed. And no, I don’t want to change my name either because my name is part of my identity and heritage, so I don’t plan on ever changing it.

@Cornettoninja

So AIBU for being a bit fucked off about this? Note ‘a bit.’ I haven’t been stewing on it for forty odd years but it does annoy me a bit

@greatauntfanny - that’s a direct quote from the OP. ‘A bit fucked off’ doesn’t suggest anger in the slightest to me, it explicitly says she’s annoyed? Lost in the tone of text maybe? We all read things in our own voice....

She also explicitly stated that she wasn’t looking for advice on changing her name which is fair enough and then was told to stop moaning if she didn’t want to do anything about it which is rude imho. We’re back to the types of people we are - those who can only offer solutions and those who’s are able to empathise and just share the feeling. The OP was clearly looking for one type of conversation and despite clearly stating that has got the other.

...and then OP suggested that people were calling her hysterical/anguished (which nobody did) and therefore it was a feminist issue. As if she is being silenced, rather than just not getting the responses she wanted.

It’s just disrespectful to women who were and are genuinely being pulled down by accusations of hysteria. It feels a bit like crying wolf.

Oh, thought you name changed but you didn’t.

@abigbloodynuisance

I didn’t have time to read aunts post. It’s a mn thing. Op is a bit annoyed, MN decided she is ‘frothing’, ‘spewing’, ‘outraged’, etc. It’s a shame, it was a good resource at one point.

You didn’t read my post? You are ignoring me, because I am a woman. This is a feminist issue.

... is how you sound.

aunt I’m sorry it you feel I was being disrespectful but tbh I do think it’s an issue.

I am perfectly calm. I was at the start of the thread and I still am, but I have had to firefight accusations of ‘dramatic’ and so on. And yes, it is a silencer. Because people are then put off mentioning irritating but in the grand scheme of things insignificant things for fear of some of the comments I’ve had here.

In any case I have no desire to keep arguing about it. I feel how I do about my name. I don’t want to change it: I have my reasons for that and perhaps those reasons are silly to others but they aren’t to me and tbh given it’s my name my view is the only one that matters. But it does annoy me and I reserve that right.

Anyway my baby has woken up after 10 minutes despite screaming all morning as she’s tired - FML!

I think it's odd that any parents would choose an order of names because it was 'funny'.

YANBU. I hate it when people do this to their kids and you see it on here all the time, 'We want to name her Christoper-Ellis Adolfo but she's going to be known as Adolfo Kellis. What do you think?'

It's a shitty thing to do to a kid. I'd change it by deed poll.

My dad wanted to name me Roberta so I could be called Bobbie. Thankfully my mother nixed it.

Being known by your middle name is common, (DH is) though I have a good deal of sympathy for your initials, though I'm not sure that ADD would be a lot better. I know someone whose parents kindly reversed her given names so that her initials would not be SAD.

I spent ages thinking about names for DDs so there wouldn't be any joking about names or initials. I don't understand anyone wanting to do this to their kids on purpose.

Actually @greatauntfanny, reading the thread back I can see her point.

I don’t think she’s devaluing anything but I do think your minimising her perspective. Just because there are bigger, more important examples doesn’t mean that smaller, less important examples don’t happen or aren’t important to address. It’s actually quite common on MN, specifically AIBU, that women speak to other women in that way. I don’t know if that’s a symptom of a patriarchal society and culture but it’s certainly interesting that a woman was made to feel that way on a forum largely populated by women.

I understand why you are upset with your parents, op. Parents should think about their child's interests when choosing a name - not just think about themselves, e.g. choosing funny initials because they find it entertaining. They put their own desire for funny initials above considering your future opinion.

My parents chose my name with their own interests in mind, rather than thinking about what future me would think about the name. It irks. Not enough to change my name, but I find it irritating. In my case, it was part of a bigger picture of my parents generally not considering my wellbeing when they made decisions.

I would personally find it more confusing and odd that someone persistently used their middle name, than somebody changing their name by deed poll. So if worry about what others will think is preventing you from changing your name by deed poll, I think that belief is misplaced.

Ds (16) is known by his middle name and it causes him no angst at all. He’ll happily answer to whichever name someone calls him. Some of his teachers call him by his first name and some by his second name, as he admits to having no real preference when asked.
It’s hardly unusual for people to be known by another name or change their given first name so I don’t know why you think it would look odd at work.

I have a number of family members known by middle names and when MIL died we have to check what name each investment was in as it could be any one of a variety!!!

I really wouldn't sweat it just let everyone know "known as" or in applications underline the name you are known as and leave it at that its no biggie in the scheme of things

@Cornettoninja

Actually *@greatauntfanny*, reading the thread back I can see her point.

I don’t think she’s devaluing anything but I do think your minimising her perspective. Just because there are bigger, more important examples doesn’t mean that smaller, less important examples don’t happen or aren’t important to address. It’s actually quite common on MN, specifically AIBU, that women speak to other women in that way. I don’t know if that’s a symptom of a patriarchal society and culture but it’s certainly interesting that a woman was made to feel that way on a forum largely populated by women.

I honestly don’t think that is what has happened here.

Nobody is saying OP is unreasonable to dislike her name situation.

Several people have expressed frustration at the fact that OP won’t change the name she doesn’t like.

OP is basically saying ‘I don’t like my name and I won’t change it either’.

Even though she said herself her current name has ‘caused so many problems in big and small ways’.

People have questioned her reasons for not wanting to change it and challenged them when they turned out to be things like ‘I like to fly under the radar’. OP seems to have taken these challenges (almost all of which were well intentioned) as people telling her what to do and calling her hysterical because she is a woman.

It isn’t about looking odd at work, it’s the application process.

For ‘known by any other names’ I would have to tick yes and state I had been known as doris Anna (which isn’t strictly speaking true and that in itself annoys me!) but I am now Anna Doris.

I have elicited not to do this. I have reasons: daft to some but since it’s my name they are just my reasons.

I honestly can’t fathom why a random on the internet not changing her name is frustrating. I honestly can’t understand why anyone would care.

@abigbloodynuisance

It isn’t about looking odd at work, it’s the application process.

For ‘known by any other names’ I would have to tick yes and state I had been known as doris Anna (which isn’t strictly speaking true and that in itself annoys me!) but I am now Anna Doris.

I have elicited not to do this. I have reasons: daft to some but since it’s my name they are just my reasons.

Why do you say it "isn't strictly speaking true" that you have been known as Doris Anna?

It is true. The form isn't saying "Have your friends and family ever called you by a different named?", it's asking "Have you ever been legally known by a different name?" - which is absolutely true.

@abigbloodynuisance I hope your day improves.
Everyone has annoyances yours is your name mine are my teeth, thing's aren't always easy to change we are entitled to have a moan without changing all your official information or in my case having expensive dental surgery.

It’s pretty common. Parent gives child a horrible family name as a first name followed by the name they actually want as a middle name. Then they call the child by the middle name.

Or, as in my mother’s case - she was supposed to be called Doris but her mum let her sister take her to be baptised, and she told the priest to baptise her Anna because she preferred it! And of course they believed that once it was done in the eyes of God that was final. So mum is legally Anna, nn Doris.

@abigbloodynuisance

I honestly can’t fathom why a random on the internet not changing her name is frustrating. I honestly can’t understand why anyone would care.

Because it’s like me going ‘I am sad because I am fat. I eat a family pack of Doritos every night* and I am NOT going to stop. AIBU?’

To which the obvious answer is I am not unreasonable to be sad about my weight, because that is a perfectly valid feeling, but if I fully intend to continue eating massive servings of crisps (and I do), well, what do I expect? And what do I expect people to say?

*real life example

But why would I be annoyed about that aunt?

It’s your weight, not mine. Just like it’s my name. We are both free to feel how we feel about it.

@greatauntfanny the OP made it clear at the beginning she wasn’t looking for advice. There have been enough contributions offering similar experiences and empathy for it to have been a valid conversation without any solutions being offered.

Her words have been interpreted by some to have a lot more emotion than she intended and even when she clarified that wasn’t her intention (and I didn’t read her posts that way, even her later ones came across more like exasperation rather than anger to me). That’s dismissing her and ascribing emotion to her words even when she’s explicitly stated that’s not what she was projecting. Is the difference in interpretation in tone down to the fact she’s a woman? Maybe, it’s certainly not something I would dismiss outright because it’s not outside the realms of possibility is it? I’d also consider regional/cultural differences in how language is generally used but given we’re on the internet and have no other clues about her tone she should surely be taken at face value if she says someone has it wrong?

The rest is clash in personality and how people approach other peoples problems generally. Sometimes people just want to sound off and talk to those who know where they’re coming from and that’s absolutely okay.

If I have one shit day at work out of a year of perfectly okay days I don’t want to be told repeatedly that I should get a new job. I just want to vent and know that everyone has shit days.

if I have one shit day at work out of a year of perfectly okay days I don’t want to be told repeatedly that I should get a new job. I just want to vent and know that everyone has shit days

Yes this. Thanks cornetto