To really wish my parents hadn’t decided to make my middle name my given name

[abigbloodynuisance]

This has always annoyed me. Names are fictitious.

Name is Anna. Middle name Doris. Surname Donaldson.

Parents realise Doris Anna Donaldson spells DAD and think it’s funny so decide to go with that. But I’ve only ever been known as Anna. However, passport, driving licence, etc, are all Doris Anna.

It’s caused so many problems in big and small ways and mostly it’s just embarrassing having to explain myself. (It doesn’t help that my actual name is foreign so I always have to spell it anyway!)

I know I’ll get people who haven’t RTFP telling me to change it but since my line of work requires me to state any name changes it looks a bit peculiar and looks like I used to be called Doris and decided myself to be Anna and I didn’t!

So AIBU for being a bit fucked off about this? Note ‘a bit.’ I haven’t been stewing on it for forty odd years but it does annoy me a bit.

FIL is know by his middle name - he's called Thomas William but known as everyone as Bill. The reason being that there were numerous other people called Thomas in the family so it was easier. The idea of calling him William Thomas didn't seem to occur to them.

A few years ago he was admitted to hospital with quite serious health issues, was doped up to the eyeballs and confused. On his notes the doctor and nurses were very concerned that he wasn't responding to his name. Yes, that'd be because you're addressing him as Tom/Thomas and he has no idea who you're on about.

It causes massive problems, so YANBU to be fucked off. I don't think an official change to swap the names around would be perceived badly by your employer though.

It is fine to whinge yes but I think it is natural for people to be a bit at you taking time to post about what seems to be a solvable problem but not wanting to solve it.

From your wider comments about this issue, maybe it is the emotional stuff not the name itself that should be the focus of the thread?

My known name is completely different to my registered name, think Marguerite known as Daisy.
My professional registration, work email etc is in my official name but I just tell people I'm known as Daisy. It mostly works but I'll answer to either.
Occasionally I do consider changing by deed poll but I'm too lazy.

I think it’s because changing a first name (even though I’m not really) is not very common and does look as if I’m trying to hide something. People can be all they want, but it’s a personal thing. You have to do what you’re comfortable with, at the end of the day.

Your poor FIL raspberry

My DF was always known by his middle name in his family but in our family and my DMs side he was always called by his 1st name. I don't understand how this happened as presumably this meant that for the 1st 24 years of his life he went by his middle name but presumably introduced himself to my DM as 1st name. I've never really thought about it before - just accepted him called by either name depending on who was addressing him and he's no longer around to ask.

@abigbloodynuisance

I’m not saying it’s an outlandish tale, but my point is there wouldn’t be a tale at all. It would literally be - have you been known by any other names ‘yes’ and then what those names are. And it looks a little odd, so I’d rather not do it. Perhaps you would do it differently which is fine. I just personally find it irritating.

But I'm adopted, so every time I do the DBS check I have to give 3 names plus the same as you a middle name used for everyday purposes. And every time I have to explain to someone that I was adopted and changed my name on marriage and am known by.

You think it's odd, ok then.

You have to state name changes including maiden name to married name - its not really a big deal saying you've reversed your names legally.

I think you should get a chance, as you reach 18, to set the name you'll be legally known as. That may be your middle name, an abbreviation you've always been called rather than your full name or whatever. As for myself, I'd change my parents "interesting" spelling of my quite common name to the usual one as I've spend 40-odd years of my life having to spell it out, and that's before you factor in the unusual surname!

I suspect you are giving this more headspace than you need to. I am known by my middle name. It is mildly annoying to be called by my first name when being called that the doctors but that is all it is.

I have had to have retrospective security clearance for work so felt I had to disclose that the name they call me is my middle name. They already knew - it was a total non issue to them.

If it annoys you just change it. I personally keep mine because it is a useful flag that when someone is asking for Mrs Firstname Unescorted I know they are either a scam or a sales person.

I don’t think it’s odd, Gurufloof, but personally I’d rather not have to disclose an adoption to people. I appreciate you have to, but if I had the choice, I’d rather not.

DH has the same thing - parents wanted to call him Andrew, but his grandfather’s name was Samuel Andrew, so they called him Samuel Andrew always to be known as Andrew?! Drives him mad.
‘Do you like to be called Sam or Samuel?’
‘Actually it’s Andrew’
& then you have to explain why.
Obviously yes it’s a minor irritant but he’s in a job where you have to be your registered name on paperwork etc, & where you meet lots of people.
And it was weird making my wedding vows to Samuel when my relationship was with Andrew!

Oh good, my parents did similar with my brother. I have no idea why they registered and baptised him Stephen Mark but called him Mark all his life.

Even worse mum was apparently registered as Angela Mary but everyone called her Mary. On some of her official records she is Angela Mary, others Mary Angela and she answers to anything when called out for appointments. When I started doing family history and looked at birth certificates Angela isn’t even on her registration or birth certificate! But it appears in the 1950s on her marriage certificate. How the hell did that happen?

When dad died recently sorting out the paperwork has been a nightmare because of mums unmatching names. 😡

YANBU to be annoyed but YABU to be this annoyed and yet refuse the very simple solution of reversing the order legally

My husbands entire family are known by their middle names, they’re a huge family and I not one goes by their first name.

My mum and my closest friend both known by their middle name. Can't see what all the drama is. Change it. Then it's done.

I’m in a similar position, but mine’s hyphenated, think Mary-Jane Molecule. I have, since I was two, been called by a diminutive by friends, colleagues etc, but not by officialdom which decides, quite arbitrarily it seems, to use one of the names. Problem is I don’t recognise either one as my name, I answer to Mary-Jane or the diminutive. The NHS is the worst offender, always calling out for Mary and it takes a few seconds for stupid me to realise it’s my turn.

I have thought about changing my name to the diminutive but it seems an awful lot of hassle, and it seems a bit arsy to insist on being called the full name. I do have a fantasy of being unconscious and not responding because I’m being called Mary.

The latest headache is some online forms do not accept hyphens, so what to put, because frigging Mary is not my first name....

My mum is known by one of her middle names. It’s never been an issue as far as I’m aware.

If it’s official documents, she’s really not fussed. If it’s in real life and someone calls her by her original first name she just corrects them and says it’s Xxx by the way, I’m known by my middle name.

I work for a DBS checking company from time to time. We see people having been known by lots of different names all the time, it’s really not a big deal, and it honestly doesn’t ‘look a little odd’ as you believe it might do. It’s really very common.

I know you said you don't want to but thr solution is a deed poll. I changed my name, on the very rare occasion people question it I just tell them it's the name I was always known by so wanted to change it officially.

It's a pretty daft thing to do. We used to get problems with people going to A&E in no state to explain that they were called Sarah Anne Jones but always known as Anne and people starting a new patient ID for Anne Jones rather than accessing the relevant history for Sarah Anne Jones. Don't do it.

Chill, OP. It's an issue you share with Harold Wilson, James Callaghan, Gordon Brown and loads of other people. And me. I'm used to NHS and others calling me by my first name. The only thing that could have been a problem was that I was entered in for some O levels with my first names in the wrong order. Even that's not been a problem because no one asked to look at the certificate.

I have a whole lot of other problems with my surname/s, which I won't go into here.

Sorry for your loss franglais

MadeOfStar I’m not that annoyed! How annoyed does whingeing on MN make me!! I haven’t got steam coming out of my ears or anything. Promise

Tbh oblo there’s no drama here except the cross posters insisting I’m being dramatic!

Could be worse, my parents did similar but poor sister ended up being called the "Doris" equivalent which she loathes.

This is one of those things where it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility. Sometimes is the case with childhood things.

So you aren’t unreasonable that it upsets you. You are unreasonable that you don’t do anything about it and expect yourself to put up with continuing to be annoyed about it when you could put it right for yourself.

And if the inconvenience of the name change/declaring said change is really more than it be worth to you then you are being unreasonable not letting it go. But I suspect the reason why you are angry about it still is that on some level you feel it would be go to hassle and you are angry with yourself for not doing the name change for yourself, for adopting the attitude that you are trapped and can’t do anything in the present, when you obviously can.

It’ll be easier to change your name in the present than to expect someone to build a time machine ans be able to go back and tell your parents. So forgive them, forgive yourself and either move on or change your name. Forgiveness is giving y hope for a better past. Much more sensible and healthy to make yourself a better future than hope for a better past.

FWIW, I hated having my dad’s surname. He hit my mum, made us homeless and disappeared from my life. When I realised in my late 20s that his name made me feel bad, I changed it. It made me feel so much better and released so much emotionally.

I realised because when I typed in my name and password and security questions online I felt very differently typing in my (dad’s) surname to my mum’s surname (she’d reverted to her maiden name). It was Hotmail and egg, to show my age. I actually just had my name as my hotmail address, that’s how long ago it was.

So I changed my name, not to my mum’s surname but to her middle name.

And I changed my middle name from one with a specific spelling which was a family name of my dad’s to the first name of my great uncle, as he’d actually been around for me when I was a kid (my grandad died when I was tiny and his big brother decided to come off the bench).

So it really can be worth it. Your name is always with you. For all it’s annoy you to declare a name change occasionally, it annoys you every time you say the name you don’t like.

I have to be honest and say that no one will care if you decide to change your names around. Not even one bit.

@BRB2021

I can understand your pain!! Mine isn't a middle name but my very unusual first name eg Katarina has always been shortened to a derivative eg Tara. So all my qualifications are in my full name but no one ever calls me that. Interviews are a particular pain. The bank can't understand how cheques for Katarina Smith should go into Tara smiths account, despite me giving them birth certificate, driving licence etc evidence I am one and the same. Pain in the neck

This is my situation too! I didn’t even realise my name was the long version till secondary school when I didn’t answer to the register. My surname is unusual and I just thought I’d stumbled on a long lost relative

It doesn’t really bother me despite a few work things being set up for my full name which I still struggle to answer to. Oh and when dp (of almost twenty years) booked plane tickets in my shorter name and I pointed out it wouldn’t match my passport!