To really wish my parents hadn’t decided to make my middle name my given name

[abigbloodynuisance]

This has always annoyed me. Names are fictitious.

Name is Anna. Middle name Doris. Surname Donaldson.

Parents realise Doris Anna Donaldson spells DAD and think it’s funny so decide to go with that. But I’ve only ever been known as Anna. However, passport, driving licence, etc, are all Doris Anna.

It’s caused so many problems in big and small ways and mostly it’s just embarrassing having to explain myself. (It doesn’t help that my actual name is foreign so I always have to spell it anyway!)

I know I’ll get people who haven’t RTFP telling me to change it but since my line of work requires me to state any name changes it looks a bit peculiar and looks like I used to be called Doris and decided myself to be Anna and I didn’t!

So AIBU for being a bit fucked off about this? Note ‘a bit.’ I haven’t been stewing on it for forty odd years but it does annoy me a bit.

@SoupDragon

It’s the explanations soup

My middle name fucking rhymed with my surname. Any explanation is always followed by "no, I don't know what my parents were thinking either".

I have that with my official first name.

"I'm known by my middle name"
"Oh, how come?"
"Because my parents thought Starlight was an ok name for a child"
"Yeah, fair enough..."

Ironically, the common shortening of my first name rhymes with my marrried surname 😂

I did try to switch to my first name in my early 20s but it wasn't me. I kept ignoring people.

@abigbloodynuisance

I got yelled at by a teacher once for very politely correcting her stanford

You can say ‘my name is Anna’ but I think for some people once Doris is in front of them they decide that’s what you’re called.

Well then you should have told a parent and asked them to explain to the teacher that yes your official name is Doris but you prefer to be called Anna. My best friend at school was exactly the same. Everyone called her by her nickname. No one at all used her real name.

Like I say I have at least one child in every class who has a different name to the one in the register. And I don't mean Jimmy for James, I mean a completely different name. Don't let your one experience many years ago with one person lead you to think that everyone else is the same.

I can’t believe I’m getting a hard time for what I didn’t do circa 1987

@StanfordPines I don’t want to get massively derailed by one scenario with the brownies but yes parents do generally fill in details with ‘known as’ names but official names are generally also given at various registration points are children’s formal names. Depending on who’s involved sometimes it does end up that the ‘known by’ name isn’t the one that’s communicated widely. This happened in OP’s case so clearly was a problem for her.

Also, I came across adults myself as a child/teenager who point blank refused to use shortenings or nicknames and were quite vocal about it. I suspect this has partly contributed to the trend of people using shortened versions of names on birth certificates.

are generally also given at various registration points are children’s formal names

I clearly can’t multi task - no need for the last four words

@abigbloodynuisance

I’m not saying it’s an outlandish tale, but my point is there wouldn’t be a tale at all. It would literally be - have you been known by any other names ‘yes’ and then what those names are. And it looks a little odd, so I’d rather not do it. Perhaps you would do it differently which is fine. I just personally find it irritating.

But you still have to fill that in if your changed your name on marriage, and the fact that it isn’t a totally different name means it won’t “look odd” at all. In fact it won’t “look” anything as it’s probably just a computer formality for doing DBS searches etc, I don’t think an actual human will have any opinion on it. If you’d totally changed your first name and surname it might look a bit like you’ve stolen someone else’s identity but then you wouldn’t declare it!

I double barrelled when I got married and now I’m divorced I’m tempted to change it back, but it’s such a ball ache telling everyone, so 12 years later I’m still double barrelled. On forms they ask about any previous names and I have to say yes, maiden name, which is just my name now, but with ex’s name chopped off. Not weird.

I was contemplating changing it to use a totally different name (my mum’s maiden name, which was gorgeous - although needs spelling out) or waiting until I marry DP in 10 years time!!

But I don’t think it’s as unusual as you seem to think it is, so don’t let “seeming odd” be your reason for not changing it. Take the bull by the horns and do it!

For what it's worth, most people I know choose to call themselves by another name. I was christened a long name but always use a shortened version. The only people who use the full name are my Dad, my Doctor, and strangers. I still cringe.

@abigbloodynuisance

great it is a feminist issue when a perfectly calm (if morose) op is accused of hysterics.

You can pull faces all you want, but yes, it is.

sorka I’m not remotely cross. Bemused by some who have been bloody rude and for whom me not changing my name seems to matter so very much to - but not particularly cross. I shall just go about my day as normal.

cornetto that’s it. And you never ever correct people once!

No, it’s not a feminist issue.

Yes, women have historically been silenced and controlled by claims that their perfectly calm, rational or someone righteously indignant behaviour is hysteria. Yes, it still happens today, when an angry man is ‘passionate’ while an identically angry woman is ‘hysterical’.

It is not happening in this situation.

I think the issue is that you aren’t aware of how your posts come across.

You say things like you’re ‘fucked of’ and then say you’re actually completely fine about the situation when someone points out you are using emotive language. You say you’re ‘not cross’ but then call people ‘bloody rude’ in the same sentence.

We only have the written word to go off. Maybe in real life you would say ‘I’m fucked off’ and ‘you’re bloody rude’ with a giggle so we’d all know you were joking. We don’t have the luxury of that on a forum.

If someone took the time to write a long post about something they were ‘fucked off’ about, I assume they feel strongly about it (although you were the one who brought ‘hysteria’ to the table). If someone called people ‘bloody rude,’ I’d assume they felt cross.

something, off

YABU because it’s a problem that has an easy solution yet you won’t do it because you think it’s “odd”.

You quite clearly have social issues a surrounding you “not wanting to make a fuss” and “flying under the radar” which you really should address.

Get it changed.
DM had an infatuation with the name Mary we all have the middle name Mary even Dbro.
My passport is * Mary.

@abigbloodynuisance

Nor me sara, nor me.

Runner, that’s what bothers me tbh, and note to ‘you are hysterical’ posters it’s a relatively mild sort of ‘bothers.’ But it does feel like I was just a joke to them.

And while people barking at me to change my name is one thing, this is obviously only something I’ve had the luxury as an adult. As a shy ten year old, having to correct teachers, brownie leaders, etc, was difficult and as we can see from some relies here, people seem to find it immensely irritating for some reason!

And yes, I can see why it’s frustrating and how that must have been hard for a child. I guess we’re all doing that classic thing of trying to fix your problem when you KNOW full well what the solution is. You just want empathy for having to deal with this shit all your life because your parents had a daft moment at the registry office. Sorry

I promise I don’t really want the next ten pages to be get it changed you hysterical woman. I’d people don’t mind. As tbh I’m having a shitty day as it is. Ty.

The tradition on the Male side if my family is to be Joseph something Surname, and all of them (grandad, dad, brother) are known as the middle name. Only one who has gone back to Joseph as first name is my nephew.
It's been fine for them.

Is it more of an issue as you aren't keen on Doris?
Sorry you're finding it annoying and problematic.

Also, I came across adults myself as a child/teenager who point blank refused to use shortenings or nicknames and were quite vocal about it.

My mum was one of those. Her friend's daughter was called Susannah Elaine, but the friend decided to call her Elaine. My mum called her Susannah. Always. Because she liked the name better. I was only about seven years old at the time, but I can still remember thinking that my mum was being arrogant (even though I might not have known the word). Why her friend put up with it I don't know. Or maybe she didn't. Because we suddenly stopped visiting them, and them us.

I'm in sort of similar situation to you, op. It has annoyed me the last 40 years . Now I'm in a position where I can change my name without hurting anyone and now I can't get myself to do it. It's become who I am. Bloody annoying .

I'm guessing you are Irish? In our family hardly anyone is known by their 'proper' name, It's so common it's normal. Generally I'm sort of aware that what we call them and their formal names are different but I have been close friends with one cousin for over 40 years and it was only when she was travelling and had her post forwarded to my address that I discovered her given name isn't the one I know.

I'm the same - known as my middle name. My parents thought that my name 'flowed' better as a whole this way, but wanted me to be known as my middle name...

The embarrassing thing is when I go to the dentist and they ask my name and I have to pause to remember if I registered as my first name or my middle name!!

No I’m not Irish.

So AIBU for being a bit fucked off about this? Note ‘a bit.’ I haven’t been stewing on it for forty odd years but it does annoy me a bit

@greatauntfanny - that’s a direct quote from the OP. ‘A bit fucked off’ doesn’t suggest anger in the slightest to me, it explicitly says she’s annoyed? Lost in the tone of text maybe? We all read things in our own voice....

She also explicitly stated that she wasn’t looking for advice on changing her name which is fair enough and then was told to stop moaning if she didn’t want to do anything about it which is rude imho. We’re back to the types of people we are - those who can only offer solutions and those who’s are able to empathise and just share the feeling. The OP was clearly looking for one type of conversation and despite clearly stating that has got the other.

I didn’t have time to read aunts post. It’s a mn thing. Op is a bit annoyed, MN decided she is ‘frothing’, ‘spewing’, ‘outraged’, etc. It’s a shame, it was a good resource at one point.

@abigbloodynuisance

I didn’t have time to read aunts post. It’s a mn thing. Op is a bit annoyed, MN decided she is ‘frothing’, ‘spewing’, ‘outraged’, etc. It’s a shame, it was a good resource at one point.

We can tell you’re the OP, you know? Even with the name change. Just for future reference.

@saraclara

Also, I came across adults myself as a child/teenager who point blank refused to use shortenings or nicknames and were quite vocal about it.

My mum was one of those. Her friend's daughter was called Susannah Elaine, but the friend decided to call her Elaine. My mum called her Susannah. Always. Because she liked the name better. I was only about seven years old at the time, but I can still remember thinking that my mum was being arrogant (even though I might not have known the word). Why her friend put up with it I don't know. Or maybe she didn't. Because we suddenly stopped visiting them, and them us.

Ouch - yes it does sound like there was a MN thread in there somewhere!

What name change?

Sorry aunt I’ve genuinely no idea what you’re on about now.