To feed my 1 year old outside

[Dandylioness1]

My son is 13 months old.

I met my friend for a walk in the park this morning.

Her daughter is 2 years old.

We’d been walking a while and my son started to become unsettled and was asking for “boob boob”

I told my friend I’d stop at the next bench and let him have some milk.

She seemed mortified by this idea. She asked me if I could give him some water instead and that he was too old for me to be feeding him in public.

I told her I would be discreet about it but she said it was just about being discreet and that it’s also an issue that he’s 13 months and doesn’t need breastmilk, she said I should offer him water or a snack instead.

I ignored what she said I found a place to sit and let my son have some milk.

It’s made me feel pretty bad now and as a first time mum (who’s spent my sons first year in a global pandemic and lockdowns) i feel like I’m doing it all wrong. 🙁

AIBU to feed him on demand at this age?

Are people that bothered by a mum breastfeeding a toddler that they refuse to consider that a toddler can get used to one routine at nursery and one routine with mum, or that where there's the option of something they like they might choose to ask for it?

If I'm thirsty, I open the cupboard and decide if I want juice, tea, coffee, or plain water. I even decide if I want a green tea, herbal tea, or normal. If I go so someone's house then I'll have a drink of whatever is on offer at their house, which usually means no green tea. The fact I drink green tea at home, but will tend to drink normal tea when visiting friends or family doesn't mean I should drink normal tea all the time because I clearly 'don't need' green tea or 'manage fine' without green tea.

But for a breastfed toddler it's apparently different. They should be refused a breastfeed because strangers think the toddler should have a sippy cup and some rice cakes. 🙄

@LolaSmiles

Are people that bothered by a mum breastfeeding a toddler that they refuse to consider that a toddler can get used to one routine at nursery and one routine with mum, or that where there's the option of something they like they might choose to ask for it?

If I'm thirsty, I open the cupboard and decide if I want juice, tea, coffee, or plain water. I even decide if I want a green tea, herbal tea, or normal. If I go so someone's house then I'll have a drink of whatever is on offer at their house, which usually means no green tea. The fact I drink green tea at home, but will tend to drink normal tea when visiting friends or family doesn't mean I should drink normal tea all the time because I clearly 'don't need' green tea or 'manage fine' without green tea.

But for a breastfed toddler it's apparently different. They should be refused a breastfeed because strangers think the toddler should have a sippy cup and some rice cakes. 🙄

It’s because people who breastfeed are women, and should therefore put everyone else’s opinion and feelings above their own, at all times, even if those opinions and feelings have no basis except misogyny.

[quote EasterGuineaPig]@Wondermule I agree with this, none of the NHS info given out to new mums states how small the positive impact of breastfeeding is on a per child basis. So you can understand how mums have been led to think that it is much more important than it really is.[/quote]
Maybe that’s because the difference isn’t small.

Babies who are breastfed have a 21% lower risk of death in their first year, compared with babies never breastfed. The reduction in risk rises to 38% if babies are breastfed for 3 months or more.

Breastfeeding can cut the chances of a child becoming obese by up to 25%. In absolute terms, 16.8% of children who have never breastfed become obese, compared with 13.2% who have been breastfed at some time and 9.3% of children breastfed for six months or more.

Infants breastfed for at least three to four months had fewer total behavior and conduct disorders in childhood. The evidence isn’t sufficient to correlate adolescent behaviours.

Another study showed that ten-year-old children who were predominantly breastfedfor 6 months or longer in infancy had higher academic scores than children who were breastfed for less than 6 months. The effect of breastfeeding on educational outcomes differed according to gender;boys were particularly responsive to longer duration of breastfeeding.

The evidence of a very significant difference could go on for pages.Parents fret about the risk of passive smoking from granny’s unwashed clothes, but choose not to do something far more likely to reduce the risks of SIDS.

That isn’t about not providing evidence; it’s about not distressing or judging those who make other choices or the 1-5% of women who physically cannot feed their babies.

OP, I know you have had some quite unpleasant remarks since I last commented (particularly grim of the person who said they would cringe at a baby over 1 being breastfed, I cringe that anyone is that uneducated but there you go). In amongst those who have been less than reasonable, you have had some really decent responses and I'm glad you posted. I still feed my 15 month old as I said and I was starting to get to the point where I felt nervous about feeding her anywhere but mine or my mums home but, aside from a small minority, the comments on here were really reassuring :)

so I hope that you are able to overlook the typical its gross/offer a snack/shouldnt be doing that nonsense and have the confidence to shut down anyone in the future who questions how you choose to feed your young child.

I don’t understand the comments saying as he is older than one he should be able to wait until some other time but at the same time suggesting you give him water and a banana. Why should he have to wait for breast milk but not a banana?
As I said previously I breastfeed to a schedule and after afternoon nap is one of the times I feed. If I am out and about at nap time and then she wakes then I feed her as that is her routine when with me. I could give her a banana and water but why would I? Breast milk is pretty much the healthiest thing she can have and full of antibodies. When I am at work she does make do with a banana and water.

Totally fine to still be breastfeeding. I’m still feeding my 18 month old. Though at 13 months we definitely had reasonably “set” times when I fed, it wasn’t just randomly whoever. I think at 13 months it’s reasonable to offer a snack or water first and if they aren’t happy with that then feed.

I just don't see why you would when the alternative will be an upset DC and probably a wasted alternative snack and less time to talk to friend

Again its horses for courses. My son at say, 7m, would feet discretely and quickly. By 13m he was dreadful. Popping on and off, kicking at me, pulling my clothes or hair. I bloody always ended up with milk on my top etc. I am relatively introverted and he drew lots of attention, he was like a bloody puppy on speed. He was also very very heavy and after a certain age I only really ever found it comfortable to feed him laid down in a way that was difficult when out.

He was also happy to accept snacks and cups if hungry when out, and easily placated with a cuddle if it was comfort he was after. It's like a lot of things with toddlers, the first few times you offer an alternative its unfamiliar, but they quickly get used to it.

Lots of people find this and find they don't want to feed out and about, for these reasons, and its ok for those people to feel like that, and fine for those people to feel that a child that age doesn't always need demand feeding, although they do often want it.

@LemonRoses

Those ARE small differences! This is exactly my point - you could’ve said the difference between total number of bf and ff obese kids is 4%, which is easy to visualise - but you’ve chosen to wave the 25% statistic around because it sounds better, even though it’s meaningless if you don’t know the initial risk.

As for intelligence one, go ahead and post the difference in IQ points. I dare you 🙄

This is exactly the sort of statistic bending I am talking about - give the impressive number but don’t apply it in any real terms.

Why should he have to wait for breast milk but not a banana?

Because a banana & a cup of water can be eaten on the go sat in the pram so OP doesnt have to stop, undo her coat and clothes etc.

oh, I see the offer a snack/its gross/its unnecessary/its not even that great brigade are still going...sigh.

@LemonRoses Have a look at sibling studies and intention to breastfeed studies.

Because a banana & a cup of water can be eaten on the go sat in the pram so OP doesnt have to stop, undo her coat and clothes etc.
Where has the OP said “I hate having to stop and breastfeed, please offer some suggestions as to an alternative when my baby asks for milk, I cannot think of a thing! Tearing my hair out here having to, and I’m not exaggerating, literally undo my coat and sit down!!!”?

The asks for milk. OP provides. The baby is happy, OP is happy, the only person not happy is her “friend” who secretly hates women.

@burritofan

Because a banana & a cup of water can be eaten on the go sat in the pram so OP doesnt have to stop, undo her coat and clothes etc. Where has the OP said “I hate having to stop and breastfeed, please offer some suggestions as to an alternative when my baby asks for milk, I cannot think of a thing! Tearing my hair out here having to, and I’m not exaggerating, literally undo my coat and sit down!!!”?

The asks for milk. OP provides. The baby is happy, OP is happy, the only person not happy is her “friend” who secretly hates women.

Again, though, it’s very important for OP to remember that as a woman, she should never allow her own opinions/feelings/convenience to take precedence.

To answer your original question - no, I wouldn't breastfeed a child that old on demand. It's impractical and sets a tricky habit which at some point you then need to break.
But I don't care what anyone else does.

If I'd been out for a walk with you I'd have sat down and waited whilst maybe having a little inward eye roll about you being a bit PFB 🤣

Because a banana & a cup of water can be eaten on the go sat in the pram so OP doesnt have to stop, undo her coat and clothes etc.

I’ve become a bit of a pro at feeding in the sling, perhaps next time I’ll put him in the sling to feed then he can eat on the go?
Because that’s more acceptable, right?

Then I don’t have to stop.

@Wondermule 4% is not small though is it.

It’s 1 in 25 so maybe equates to one less child per class would be obese if they were breastfed instead of formula fed. Times that up to the whole country and you’ve got significantly less illnesses that come along with obesity.

@Dandylioness1

*Because a banana & a cup of water can be eaten on the go sat in the pram so OP doesnt have to stop, undo her coat and clothes etc.*

I’ve become a bit of a pro at feeding in the sling, perhaps next time I’ll put him in the sling to feed then he can eat on the go?
Because that’s more acceptable, right?

Then I don’t have to stop.

No please don’t stop doing what you’re doing. Ever. You ARE doing the right thing because it’s what you want to do. Everything else is just noise.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland
But it is pretty normal to stop and sit on a bench and have a chat when on a walk. I often bring a flask of coffee with me so I can stop and have a drink and OPs friend had done just that!
I am not bothered having to unzip my coat just as I imagine the OP is not. Why would she be? It’s hardly a hardship having to sit down and unzip her coat!

I bf mine until 24 months. I'd do it anywhere, anytime I and they/I felt like it. When they were really young I can remember literally walking down the street breastfeeding them as I walked. You couldn't get a more supportive full on bfeeder than me.

But I still don't think I'd have made my friend wait on a bench at the end of a long walk for me to bf my 13 mo old unless I checked with them and they were not in a hurry and were happy to sit in the cold for five minutes. Nothing whatsoever to do with breastfeeding, I just wouldn't want to put out my friend and delay her.

It’s because people who breastfeed are women, and should therefore put everyone else’s opinion and feelings above their own, at all times, even if those opinions and feelings have no basis except misogyny
You're right. Most reasons why women should deprive their babies/toddlers of breastmilk in public that doesn't boil down to something around the sexualisation of women's breasts.

Just give them a snack - breastfeeding does that - well yes but they don't need it so give them a rice cake or a banana - why should I give them rice cake or banana if they would like breastmilk- because you have to ger undressed in public (aka, nursing mother remains clothed but provides access to the nipple).

They don't need breastmilk at that age and they manage just fine without it - that's fine, but we don't all eat and drink strictly what we need and my baby/toddler likes nursing - but they can have all these other alternatives that don't mean you using your boob as nature intended in public.

But it's just weird (because whilst we just about accept breastfeeding infants, the boobs are on loan to the infant and above a certain age we decide that the boobs have done their job so now need to be back classified as a primarily sexy body part).

[quote FTEngineerM]@Wondermule 4% is not small though is it.

It’s 1 in 25 so maybe equates to one less child per class would be obese if they were breastfed instead of formula fed. Times that up to the whole country and you’ve got significantly less illnesses that come along with obesity.[/quote]
Just like with breastfeeding, though, there are people who would prefer that no one mention that obesity correlates with poor health outcomes, because it hurts their feelings.

You did the right thing! Poor child. He's only one.
You friend sounds bonkers! Who has the audacity to tell someone else how to feed their child?!

**You're right. Most reasons why women should deprive their babies/toddlers of breastmilk in public boils down to something around the sexualisation of women's breasts.

Edit to correct, she says nursing her toddler. Maybe that's a reason to stop.

@Onedaysomedaynowadays I don’t understand why it makes so much difference that she is feeding on demand. I breastfeed my one year old to a schedule. If we are out and about at our scheduled feed then I will feed her. I don’t understand the PFB snipe. Would you make the same comment at a friend giving her child water in demand? A cup of milk? Or just breast milk?
I don’t feed on demand because I don’t want to but I can’t see that there is anything wrong with feeding on demand. I certainly let my daughter have her beaker whenever she fancies.

There really is no reason in the world for an adult to feel uncomfortable with the sight of a nursing toddler except that they still see breasts as primarily sexual. But it’s not a nursing mother’s responsibility to step around the feelings of an adult who can’t desexualise breasts.