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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feed my 1 year old outside

885 replies

Dandylioness1 · 14/03/2021 16:16

My son is 13 months old.

I met my friend for a walk in the park this morning.

Her daughter is 2 years old.

We’d been walking a while and my son started to become unsettled and was asking for “boob boob”

I told my friend I’d stop at the next bench and let him have some milk.

She seemed mortified by this idea. She asked me if I could give him some water instead and that he was too old for me to be feeding him in public.

I told her I would be discreet about it but she said it was just about being discreet and that it’s also an issue that he’s 13 months and doesn’t need breastmilk, she said I should offer him water or a snack instead.

I ignored what she said I found a place to sit and let my son have some milk.

It’s made me feel pretty bad now and as a first time mum (who’s spent my sons first year in a global pandemic and lockdowns) i feel like I’m doing it all wrong. 🙁

AIBU to feed him on demand at this age?

OP posts:
Hyppogriff · 15/03/2021 06:04

It’s your preference, body and choice and frankly none of your friend’s business what you do with your child - she may have a hang up about when she stopped eg. So please try not to think or worry about it any more.
On the other hand on the issue itself (since you asked) - my personal view is that a 13 month old doesn’t need bf anymore at all (and certainly not on demand during the day out and about and would be better served by a drink and a snack). So IMO I actually agree with your friend but I would personally never have said anything (although I would have thought it! And this is coming from a currently bf mother )

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/03/2021 06:14

OP has actually acknowledged that many times but has pointed out that since her baby is only 13m old, in the 4 weeks that have elapsed since it apparently was acceptable to feed on demand, he hasn’t quite figured out that it’s no longer considered acceptable by mumsnet standards.

No she's just repeatedly said hes still a tiny baby etc and she can't say no etc. I gradually reduced demand feeding at about 8m when mine were well established on solids, so by 13m they were not expecting me to bf whenever they wanted. That's fine. Fine for OP to do whatever she wants too. The point being she came on here wanting to know if other people felt like her friend does and the answer is yes they do, and we do not all have to agree with you that a 13m old is still a little baby.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/03/2021 06:19

Ps willing to bet OP only has one child and isnt at work. It's very different when you are juggling a 13m old and an older child around childcare drop offs and a job.

The reason many people have moved away from demand feeding by 13m is very practical - by then most toddlers are in some form of childcare!

CreosoteQueen · 15/03/2021 06:21

Well if you think what OP is doing is fine, why are you banging on about the issues she may have with a future 2.5 year old?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/03/2021 06:33

I'm explaining why others may agree with her friend (which is what she asked).

Oh my lord you really don't get it, do you?

This is aibu. People do not have to agree with OP.

breadbinbaby · 15/03/2021 06:34

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Ps willing to bet OP only has one child and isnt at work. It's very different when you are juggling a 13m old and an older child around childcare drop offs and a job.

The reason many people have moved away from demand feeding by 13m is very practical - by then most toddlers are in some form of childcare!

This is just snipey projection. OP didn’t say ‘AIBU to think everyone should demand feed their 13 month olds?’
Sahm101 · 15/03/2021 06:52

This thread is just crazy. Op you did Nothing wrong, shameful or criminal. Your baby is 13months, and he was jiggly and hungry. You were a good mum and fed him. My ds was exactly like that except he was formula fed. I'm pretty sure I stopped and made up a bottle many times and no one batted an eyelid. Don't know what it is with BF that gets people this worked up. The worse thing is it's women saying this.

burritofan · 15/03/2021 06:53

Ps willing to bet OP only has one child and isnt at work. It's very different when you are juggling a 13m old and an older child around childcare drop offs and a job.
Last I checked you could have a child in nursery and hold down a full-time job and yet still be allowed to go for walks and breastfeed outside.

So much fury on this thread, for what? It’s just a breast. Unless the OP is threatening to stick it in your mouth, why so much anger?

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 15/03/2021 06:56

This is ridiculous. Your friend is an idiot, and so are the people who have responded to this post who agree with her. Tell her that it's none of her business how or when you feed your baby. This w
ould really put me off her to be honest, she sounds horrible
.

sandgrown · 15/03/2021 07:15

I don’t have an issue with BF in public though I would expect an older child to wait. I am impressed with the lady who said she fed in a supermarket trolley. Was this while doing the weekly shop?

Original poster
Dandylioness1 · 15/03/2021 07:22

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

we do not all have to agree with you that a 13m old is still a little baby.

No, you don’t and that’s fine.

I’m surprised at the amount of people saying give him a snack instead as if he will just accept that.

As advised by our health visitor, we didn’t introduce snacks until 12 months.
I was told until this point, if my son was hungry, I should offer a breastfeed, which is what I did.
This information is also on stated on the NHS website. As a FTM I followed this guidance.

We started introducing snacks 4 weeks ago, 4 weeks for a baby his age, isn’t a long time for him to understand that the world isn’t going to accept he can’t have mummy’s milk and should have a banana or cows milk instead.

But this wasn’t really an issue about snacks it was about feeding my 13 month old on demand.

It’s really sad though that I will most definitely feel judged and paranoid if I feed my sun in public again.

The even sadder part is that it’s not an issue that my son is having mummy’s milk, if he were having it from a sippy cup (as many posters have suggested) but it’s a issue that he’s having if directly from my boob.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandylioness1 · 15/03/2021 07:24

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Ps willing to bet OP only has one child and isnt at work. It's very different when you are juggling a 13m old and an older child around childcare drop offs and a job.

The reason many people have moved away from demand feeding by 13m is very practical - by then most toddlers are in some form of childcare!

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Yes I do only have one child, I’m back at work in 4 weeks time.

My son is currently in nursery 2 mornings per week and has been for 6 weeks. So sorry, but your bet is wrong. Try again Wink

OP posts:
whatchathinkaboutthat · 15/03/2021 07:29

Your friend was BU. You have every right to feed your child when you want.
However breast feeding a baby over a year I cringe at. I know there's nothing wrong with it and it's completely my problem but I just find it ughhh.

Original poster
Dandylioness1 · 15/03/2021 07:30

@whatchathinkaboutthat

Your friend was BU. You have every right to feed your child when you want. However breast feeding a baby over a year I cringe at. I know there's nothing wrong with it and it's completely my problem but I just find it ughhh.
@whatchathinkaboutthat

I respect that’s how you feel. Funnily enough I thought I might feel the same way prior to my son being born.

Now he’s here and I’m feeding him, I don’t.

OP posts:
Wondermule · 15/03/2021 07:37

@Dandylioness1

Well that was an excellent work of fiction. Talk about paraphrasing! 🙄 I don’t know if I can be bothered to correct myself, but I would suggest reading my posts again.

LemonRoses · 15/03/2021 07:38

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Ps willing to bet OP only has one child and isnt at work. It's very different when you are juggling a 13m old and an older child around childcare drop offs and a job.

The reason many people have moved away from demand feeding by 13m is very practical - by then most toddlers are in some form of childcare!

What a narrow view. Of course working mothers can breastfeed little babies on demand given right support. It’s challenging if you’re in some jobs but perfectly possible in others. It’s als possible to maintain feeding babies when you’re not actually at work.

Older children learn they need to wait for feeding and occupy themselves for a short while. You also learn not to give a fig when it where you feed.

I haven’t fed for about twenty years but recall feeding in all sorts of places without any negative comments or sense of disapproval. You usually just want to do what’s best for your children and that is breastfeeding.

Rates in U.K. are low and it is very sad when other women put in unnecessary barriers.

luppyloop · 15/03/2021 07:38

I fed my child til they were nearly 2. When a child is old enough to speak I could explain 'later' if it was not convenient for me. At 13 months your child wouldn't have understood 'when we get back to the car'. Therefore you were absolutely not being unreasonable.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/03/2021 07:41

So when your son is in nursery he isn't demand fed, is he?

And he manages fine?

So is if it's ok for you to leave him for 2 mornings a week (when you are not back at work yet) then that's you choosing that for that chunk of time he isnt going to have free and unfettered access to demand feed. Its not really that different to any other time the mother of a bf toddler decides they can't always bf on demand.

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/03/2021 07:44

OP just ignore the negative comments, women love to bash other women! It’s sad! As a mother you get judged no matter what you do, your son was hungry and you fed him, no harm done.

breadbinbaby · 15/03/2021 07:46

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

So when your son is in nursery he isn't demand fed, is he?

And he manages fine?

So is if it's ok for you to leave him for 2 mornings a week (when you are not back at work yet) then that's you choosing that for that chunk of time he isnt going to have free and unfettered access to demand feed. Its not really that different to any other time the mother of a bf toddler decides they can't always bf on demand.

When he’s in nursery she has a reason not to feed him on demand. When she’s with him and they can sit down, there’s no reason not to. Plus 13 month olds aren’t great at delayed gratification with things they can see right in front of them.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/03/2021 07:46

I’m surprised at the amount of people saying give him a snack instead as if he will just accept that.

I'm guessing nursery will be offering snacks, right OP? And your child is likely accepting them.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/03/2021 07:49

When he’s in nursery she has a reason not to feed him on demand. When she’s with him and they can sit down, there’s no reason not to

What I am trying to explain is different people will have a different opinion to you, and will have a different threshold for there being a reason not to. At the other end of the spectrum you get people who feel it's not appropriate to put a bf child in childcare, and that they should be with their mother at all times. Its horses for courses.

breadbinbaby · 15/03/2021 07:49

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I’m surprised at the amount of people saying give him a snack instead as if he will just accept that.

I'm guessing nursery will be offering snacks, right OP? And your child is likely accepting them.

OP also offered him a snack. The snack was breastmilk.
LockdownIcecream · 15/03/2021 07:52

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland it's completely different. The mum is there when they are together, the child knows the milk is available and that's what they fancy. It's difficult for a 13 month old to understand why they can't have it at the moment but can at other times. That's not to say a 13 month old can be given whatever they want whenever they want as obviously understanding 'no" is essential but at this age it's about picking battles and I wouldn't say no just for the sake of it when I think breast milk is a totally reasonable snack out and about

That said if the friend's child was restless (they weren't) or anyone was in a hurry to get back then yes I would try to distract DC in those circumstances. But that's not what happened so I just don't see why you would when the alternative will be an upset DC and probably a wasted alternative snack and less time to talk to friend. All this would be worth it if it were over something necessary (like don't throw sand in the sandpit) but it isn't so why say no?

breadbinbaby · 15/03/2021 07:55

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

When he’s in nursery she has a reason not to feed him on demand. When she’s with him and they can sit down, there’s no reason not to

What I am trying to explain is different people will have a different opinion to you, and will have a different threshold for there being a reason not to. At the other end of the spectrum you get people who feel it's not appropriate to put a bf child in childcare, and that they should be with their mother at all times. Its horses for courses.

OP knows that her friend has a different opinion, the friend made that clear (because sadly like many others, she thinks it’s acceptable to be rude and unboundaried to a breastfeeding mother). The point is that OP doesn’t need to heed the friend’s opinion in any way because it’s ridiculous. If OP was asking the friend to breastfeed the baby herself, then the friend’s opinion and ‘threshold’ might be relevant.