To think the PA "you're welcome" is actually far ruder

[Chuckitout]

than absent mindedly neglecting to say thank you?

I like to think my manners are fairly acceptable, I try to see polite and put people at ease. However, today I was the recipient of the PA "you're welcome" when I neglected to acknowledge someone who held the door for me. As it happened, I was distracted, I'd just heard that DH's illness is terminal and was wondering how on earth I was going to tell DC.

Of course I should have said thank you, but what was muttering "you're welcome" at me supposed to achieve?

Yes, it would be good if everyone always remembered their thank yous, but I'm prepared to bet that the majority who have a momentary lapse and don't meet your standards are equally distracted, even if it's "only" about what to get for tea after a long day.

Going out of your way to deliberately make someone feel bad is surely far ruder?

If you must, feel smug inside about your superior manners, but don't kid yourself you're the better person if you deliberately act to show someone up.

You have far more important things to worry about than this. Put it out of your mind. I'm sorry to hear about your husband.

I think it reminds people to use their manners. I end up using it every day as I pull my five year old into the road to avoid older couples (sorry, they are almost always retired people) who will not walk in single file to allow us all to distance on the pavement. They usually wake up and say thank you or amend their behaviour so it works.

@SellFridges

I think it reminds people to use their manners. I end up using it every day as I pull my five year old into the road to avoid older couples (sorry, they are almost always retired people) who will not walk in single file to allow us all to distance on the pavement. They usually wake up and say thank you or amend their behaviour so it works.

You think being rude to strangers will encourage them to be more polite?

@SellFridges

I think it reminds people to use their manners. I end up using it every day as I pull my five year old into the road to avoid older couples (sorry, they are almost always retired people) who will not walk in single file to allow us all to distance on the pavement. They usually wake up and say thank you or amend their behaviour so it works.

I think you're teaching your child to be really very rude. Good manners never make someone else feel uncomfortable.

I am very sorry to hear about your husband. It's basic good manners to thank someone and of course the person who said "you're welcome" to you didn't know what you're experiencing.

I do think I’m normal circumstances it triggers peoples manners and social awareness.

In your case please don’t give it another moments thought.

I’m so very sorry to hear your news and hope you have people in Rl That you can support you.💐

I'm sorry to hear about your bad news. I had something very similar happen when a family member was very ill. Also when dd was tiny and I was so tired I could barely see straight. I didn't notice someone move out of the way for me.
There's a truth in that saying, about never knowing what someone else is going through. I think things about people sometimes, but I try hard not to say them out loud. Instead I try to be the one with the smile, when I can. Love to you and your family OP

Maybe you made the person you didn't thank feel uncomfortable? Maybe they felt taken for granted by someone who didn't acknowledge their polite act towards you?

Yep I think you’re right, I was walking home once up a hill with my toddler in her pram, when a couple came out of their front door with 2 large dogs they immediately stepped out in the road between two cars so I assumed they were crossing, so I carried on and walked past them without saying anything, as soon as I passed the woman began screaming abuse at me about how “rude” I was for not saying thank you, swearing and all sorts, I was very shocked! Hadn’t even realise they weren’t just crossing the road. So unnecessary

Saying 'you're welcome' to someone who doesn't thank you for opening a door isn't passive aggressive. It's direct.

Obviously OP if they’d known what you’re going through the person would never had said this.

I probably say it about once every hundred times someone is rude or fails to acknowledge, usually because it’s particularly egregious eg shoving past or - most recently - watching me stand out the way for them for about a minute, literally standing in the road waiting for them to pass.

On the whole I’d say you don’t know what the person saying “you’re welcome” is going through either. Having a shit time isn’t reserved only for those being rude, some people carry on being polite and then feel shat on by lack of appreciation.

I've said it and it's been said to me. We're human and sometimes forget our manners because we have other things on our mind. When it's been said to me I've simply apologised for forgetting and then moved on. On a different day it may not have bothered you but today it's been a small upset on top of very painful news. I wouldn't think any more about, I'msure the other person hasn't.

I'm sorry your husband illness is terminal and hope have people to support you both.

Also not to have a go when you are in a very fragile state but as a pp said if I’ve made the effort to help someone who stand in the road to let them walk past or passed them a supermarket trolley or held the door, I would feel it should be acknowledged.

I’m baffled why you are posting this. After getting that kind of news and having children to think about then why would you even have room in your mind to give this space?

I'm so so sorry about your husband. But people have no idea what is going on so it juat seems rude. Are we supposed to assume every rude fucker is going through something awful?

But honestly op you've got way more important stuff to think about right now so don't give it a thought.

@Orchidflower1

I do think I’m normal circumstances it triggers peoples manners and social awareness.

In your case please don’t give it another moments thought.

I’m so very sorry to hear your news and hope you have people in Rl That you can support you.💐

It triggered my normal responses too and embarrassed me. How do you ever know whether the people you feel it necessary to reprimand are experiencing "normal circumstances"? Does your need to feel superior trump what might be going on in their lives?

Maybe they were also having a bad day and saw your lack of thanks as the last straw?

Does your need to feel superior trump what might be going on in their lives?

I don't think it's about feeling superior. If anything I would feel the opposite. If I make a genuine effort to hold a door for someone and they ignore that it makes me feel small, not big. I would say 'your welcome' - giving it more thought than it ever needed today I can see I probably do that as a defence mechanism. It's weird how small things can trigger big emotional responses.

I appreciate what you are saying, and a debate on mumsnet probably isn't what you need right now, but some people are just rude and I don't see any problem with people pointing it out.

I am very sorry you have had bad news

But why should we put up and shut up with people's rudeness.

I waited ages the other day at the top of some stairs to let a couple come up who took up the whole stairs by not going in single file, they could see I was waiting and not a Thank-you when they went past. Just reminds people to sometimes think of others. Manners cost nothing.

Maybe they were having a bad day too. I would just let it go. Sorry about your bad news.

I know what you mean. Also I was bought up to do something nice for the sake of it not for being thanked. So while it can annoy me I don't dwell on it or make PA remarks.

In your case, you shouldn’t feel bad at all.

However, I do think there is an epidemic of entitled people expecting the rest of the world to open doors for them, give them way in supermarket aisles, give way to pushchairs every single time, and only move out of the way when explicitly asked, even if when they know they or their trolley is blocking everyone else.

I find it extremely rude.

I've had it said to me a few times when I've actually said thanks or smiled etc to acknowledge it.

If doing these small favours makes people feel like you must fall at their feet in gratitude simply don't do it - I'm sure people would rather wait for you or hold their door than have their head ripped off for the pleasure

I'm here so I don't have to think too hard about the real issues.

I agree with PP though. The only other times I've had a "you're welcome" have been when I hadn't realised the person was waiting or had stood aside for me.

Whatever the circumstances, I don't know why anyone woupd go out of their way to make someone feel embarrassed in the name of good manners. IME most people's manners are fine, except those of the people who feel the need to point out the failings of others. Maybe the couple at the top of stairs didn't realise you were waiting for them etc.

I wouldn't worry about it op. Bigger fish to fry. I don't think it's necessarily bad to say 'youre welcome'. If someone was visibly distraught I wouldn't. But they didn't know about your situation. And TBF, you don't know about theirs. I'm sorry to hear about your DH.