To think the PA "you're welcome" is actually far ruder

[Chuckitout]

than absent mindedly neglecting to say thank you?

I like to think my manners are fairly acceptable, I try to see polite and put people at ease. However, today I was the recipient of the PA "you're welcome" when I neglected to acknowledge someone who held the door for me. As it happened, I was distracted, I'd just heard that DH's illness is terminal and was wondering how on earth I was going to tell DC.

Of course I should have said thank you, but what was muttering "you're welcome" at me supposed to achieve?

Yes, it would be good if everyone always remembered their thank yous, but I'm prepared to bet that the majority who have a momentary lapse and don't meet your standards are equally distracted, even if it's "only" about what to get for tea after a long day.

Going out of your way to deliberately make someone feel bad is surely far ruder?

If you must, feel smug inside about your superior manners, but don't kid yourself you're the better person if you deliberately act to show someone up.

@AnyOldPrion

There’s generally a tone to it Meredith. My extremely passive aggressive mother in law used it often.

True. But if I’ve said thanks and they say “you're welcome” in what I think is a tone, I’d probably be more likely to assume that I’d just misheard the tone, than that they hadn’t heard me say thank you and had decided to “scold” me for it.

In your situation, I wouldn’t give this a second thought.

The other person could be going through a shit time too and being made to feel invisible (however unwittlingly) was simply the last straw.

At least they didn’t say, “Smile love, it might never happen”. I remember being on the receiving end of that when I was younger after a bereavement.

@Chewingle

Excuse me

This happened today
You have just found out your DH has a terminal diagnosis
Your children don’t know

And you start a thread on this

No words

How horrible

@Chewingle

What a horrible, mean spirited post to someone who has just had terrible news and is clearly using the thread as a bit of distraction - she even said so herself if you'd bothered to read her subsequent posts.

She will also be feeling over sensitive and for bloody good reason with what she'd gone through re her partner.

That post was such a dick move.

Do people who pull this passive aggressive stuff really think it encourages the person to reflect on their behaviour? I mean really genuinely?

Far more likely to get a fuck off from me than an apology.

@SnuggyBuggy

Do people who pull this passive aggressive stuff really think it encourages the person to reflect on their behaviour? I mean really genuinely?

Far more likely to get a fuck off from me than an apology.

I think given that you didn't say thank you - a fuck off from you wouldn't be too big of a big surprise.

Well yes because if a person has chosen to actively behave like a cunt that seems an appropriate response.

@2Rebecca

Correcting someone's manners is bad manners. Some people like having things to feel affronted by

Meh. Not as rude as the initial bad manners

If I say it, it's not because I feel superior, it's because your rudeness is making me feel like I'm there to serve and it is a result of my irritation rather than a desire to correct

It's a bit narcissistic though, surely logically you know that the rude person is more likely to have been absent minded or distracted rather than personally slighting you?

Some of the most vile behaviour I've seen has been from people who are "in the right" morally or etiquette wise but boy don't they know it and absolutely revel in it.

if you need a thank you to hold a door open maybe don't hold the door open

It's not a question of "needing" a thank you, but not getting one makes you feel as though you are totally unimportant. Most of us hold doors open because it is the polite thing to do, not because we want to be thanked - but when you've done it several times a day and been treated as though you were invisible each time you reach a point where you snap.

They usually wake up and say thank you or amend their behaviour so it works.

You think you've taken it upon yourself to teach complete strangers their manners? Every time you encounter behaviour that doesn't meet your personal standards? (Perhaps they are walking two abreast because one has mobility issues, or perhaps on the spectrum and traffic noise averse. You can't know).

All I can say is that you're going to spend your life extremely busy.

OP, unfortunately there are rude people everywhere. You'll expend way too much energy being angry or upset whenever you encounter one. It's unsurprising that behaviour was particularly unwelcome in the circumstances and YANBU for being upset. I'm sorry to hear your devastating news about your husband.

I think the majority of the time, it's clear to see when someone is in their own world so to speak.
It's the people who look at you when you're holding the door, the people that purposely refuse to go into single file on a path etc. People that push in front of you in queues etc. Of course it's rude and lacking in manners.

Society hasn't suddenly stopped using manners in this pandemic. It's been occurring for some time now, and is only getting worse. How often do you see the 'entitled' comment/insult on here.

I'm so sorry to hear your devastating news. I agree that sometimes someone will be lost in their thoughts if they've had bad news or are stressed, but there are people who are just rude as well.

I'd never say "you're welcome" but I waoted to the side in Morrisons for ages on Saturday to let a young couple through (they were giving me no choice, they were barging through!) and they were giggling and shoving each other and stopped right in the bit where they were going through, to discuss what they were having for dinner, with me waiting all the while. And not a word of thanks.

Someone said it to me last summer. I was in tesco and she was standing with her trolley at the end of an aisle where they put the special offers, already stationary when I arrived, and I turned down the aisle just before reaching her and she bellowed "you're welcome" at me! I've no idea why, because I didn't get the impression she had waited in any way to let me through, nobody was blocking my way or anything. I'm always so careful about thanking people, so that annoyed me!

I would have been very tempted to explain exactly why I had been absent minded. They thought they were reminding you of your manners, you were just reminding them that they can't know why someone forgot. But then that would be "causing a scene". for you

It's confusing. Normally we are told we should call out and tackle rude or obnoxious behaviour because letting someone get away with it just reinforces their belief that it's fine. But here, a person is rude (with a fair reason for it, more important things on their mind, but that could be the case for anybody) and the "victim" (as it were) should just know that the person didn't mean to be rude and let it slide.

We can't have it both ways - either we should tackle people for being rude, or just ignore it.

Can't speak for everyone but when I'm out and about I try to just get on with things and avoid being obstructive. It just wouldn't occur to me to concern myself too much with the people around me and nor would I expect to be of much interest to others.

@skirk64

It's confusing. Normally we are told we should call out and tackle rude or obnoxious behaviour because letting someone get away with it just reinforces their belief that it's fine. But here, a person is rude (with a fair reason for it, more important things on their mind, but that could be the case for anybody) and the "victim" (as it were) should just know that the person didn't mean to be rude and let it slide.

We can't have it both ways - either we should tackle people for being rude, or just ignore it.

And to say you're welcome is ruder than not saying thank you - no need anymore, and then calling someone a cunt and telling them to fuck off is absolutely fine. Glad we got the manners thing sorted.

I’m with you, can’t stand the passive aggressive “you’re welcome”
I had it in a clothes shop, I’m in a wheelchair rolling myself down the main aisle to get out , but a woman is walking up in the other direction.
She went down a side aisle so my way was clear and I carried on.
Then she did the “you’re welcome” in a hugely sarky voice.
But I didn’t know she had moved for me, I thought she was just going that way anyway!
So annoying, and so much more rude than forgetting a “thank you” in the first place

@skirk64

It's confusing. Normally we are told we should call out and tackle rude or obnoxious behaviour because letting someone get away with it just reinforces their belief that it's fine. But here, a person is rude (with a fair reason for it, more important things on their mind, but that could be the case for anybody) and the "victim" (as it were) should just know that the person didn't mean to be rude and let it slide.

We can't have it both ways - either we should tackle people for being rude, or just ignore it.

Amazing, isn't it.

I'm happy to continue.

I'm not a cunt, by the way, just not inferior to someone with bad manners

@Iwishiwereheather

I’m baffled why you are posting this. After getting that kind of news and having children to think about then why would you even have room in your mind to give this space?

Thank you, you saved me a post.

I think you hit the nail on the head. No matter how much you want to say it when someone seems to ignore your good manners, it’s good to acknowledge that someone may be distracted or have something else on their mind. I sometimes forget to say thank you when driving and someone lets you out or pulls in for you, because I’m concentrating on the actual driving or something not because I’m rude.

Do people become zombies in supermarkets? Genuine question. No one ever says thank you.

@Cloudyrainsham

I think you hit the nail on the head. No matter how much you want to say it when someone seems to ignore your good manners, it’s good to acknowledge that someone may be distracted or have something else on their mind. I sometimes forget to say thank you when driving and someone lets you out or pulls in for you, because I’m concentrating on the actual driving or something not because I’m rude.

You still come across as rude and it's annoying when someone has kindly let you pass. Good job the majority of drivers can acknowledge when someone does them a favour.

It is just another way of saying “anytime you need me, I would be happy to help you” people try to come up a nicer way to accept their appreciation and this is one of the polite way of responding.

There was a guy on Twitter who had a serious issue with “no problems” in responding to “thank you”

It’s rude as fuck to not acknowledge somebody whose held a door for you so a ‘you’re welcome’ is justified IMO. In this instance you obviously had more important things on you’re mind but the person you were rude to didn’t know that.