To think the PA "you're welcome" is actually far ruder

[Chuckitout]

than absent mindedly neglecting to say thank you?

I like to think my manners are fairly acceptable, I try to see polite and put people at ease. However, today I was the recipient of the PA "you're welcome" when I neglected to acknowledge someone who held the door for me. As it happened, I was distracted, I'd just heard that DH's illness is terminal and was wondering how on earth I was going to tell DC.

Of course I should have said thank you, but what was muttering "you're welcome" at me supposed to achieve?

Yes, it would be good if everyone always remembered their thank yous, but I'm prepared to bet that the majority who have a momentary lapse and don't meet your standards are equally distracted, even if it's "only" about what to get for tea after a long day.

Going out of your way to deliberately make someone feel bad is surely far ruder?

If you must, feel smug inside about your superior manners, but don't kid yourself you're the better person if you deliberately act to show someone up.

I once did something really bad when this happened to me 😂

I was in Tesco and thinking about my grandad who was in hospital with covid and we'd been told he probably wouldn't get better. A man must have moved out of my way or let me past and I didn't notice, because he got right in my face (2m rule anyone?) and said it doesn't hurt to say thank you, you stuck up bitch.

I was literally at the end of my tether with the world, I'd never do this now, but I got down on my knees in front of him and said - loudly - thank you SO much for letting me past, you are a fantastically kind human being and I don't know how I'll ever repay you.

He was super embarassed and just walked off.

I was also embarrassed.

Maybe (definitely) I was a bit of a dick, and I still have no idea why this was my reaction as I'm such a quiet person usually, but you should never get arsey with people when you don't know what they're going through.

You can save your lessons on manners for your kids. Otherwise, move on with your day.

@Orchidflower1 Not sure the teachers that behave like that care but the kids feel they have in some way fought back - just a little.😂

@activitythree

Saying 'you're welcome' to someone who doesn't thank you for opening a door isn't passive aggressive. It's direct.

It's not direct to say "you're welcome".

Direct would be something like "Say thank you to me. You have angered me by not saying thank you for a behaviour I expect to have acknowledged."

OP, I'm sorry for what you are going through. The person was a sanctimonious prig. You endured a fleeting moment of their attitude, they gave to live with it.

@IstandwithJackieWeaver

Maybe you made the person you didn't thank feel uncomfortable? Maybe they felt taken for granted by someone who didn't acknowledge their polite act towards you?

Did you read the OP?

It's not direct to say "you're welcome".

Ok, maybe 'direct' was the wrong word. However it's absolutely not passive aggressive, which was more the point.

If someone doesn't thank you either:

1. They normally would, but have something on their mind
2. They rarely would.

In the case of 1. Then your comment of "you're welcome" could be the last straw for them. However they normally would do it, and probably will continue to do it whatever you've said.
In the case of 2, I doubt they care, so you saying "you're welcome" will make no difference.

So basically it might make you feel better, possibly might really upset someone who is already in a bad place and is unlikely to change whether they thank in the future.

[quote nofrizzplease]@Orchidflower1 thing is if the teachers accuse them of being passive aggressive the teens just say I thought you said thank you and look all confused? Lots of the teachers don't say thank you, usually it's repeat offenders - the kids are very much expected to open doors for them - teens are very good at spotting when double standards are at work and to be honest I would be annoyed in their situation too. I find it so charming and lovely when local kids wave a thank you when I stop for them at a Zebra Crossing, they have no need to do it but it always makes me smile.[/quote]
That’s the thing it’s the double standards isn’t it.

I always give a little wave on a zebra crossing. Sadly someone was killed crossing my local one when I driver didn’t stop. I always give a little wave and think “thank you for stopping” to myself.

I don’t think I’m ever thanked for giving someone way, they just seem to expect. Maybe I’ll just stop giving way and barge past.

@LApprentiSorcier has it exactly right. Manners are to smooth social interactions and to make people feel good. Calling someone out for neglectling to say "Thank you" (or whatever) is extreme bad manners.

It has happened to me a few times, and I have felt awful for days simply because I am often distracted and unconscious when I am walking alone - who knows what any troubles another might have? Is it good manners to make someone feel awful? Is it good manners to teach another adult a lesson? Of course not! That's the opposite of good manners, and anyone who does not know that is a boor.

To the person who does it regularly, to teach a lesson, shame on you! Your 'manners' are appalling and what you are teaching your child is awful.

I am so sorry, OP. No one could have a better reason than you for feeling distracted (and maybe others will think of you next time they are tempted to respond with that - extremely rude - 'you're welcome').

I can completely understand exactly why, in the midst of all this awfulness, you have focussed on that small nastiness from a stranger. It WAS nasty. You are focussing on a wish that you could go back and just have noticed what was happening and remembered to say 'thank you' - that seems like such a simple, small wish that the universe ought to allow. Not an unreasonable rewind - like wishing your husband, the father of your children, could be well, had not just had a terminal diagnosis. It's natural and understandable to focus on this small thing amidst everything so much more devastating.

The person who offered you that "you're welcome" had no manners at all. It doesn't matter that they 'didn't know'.

Again, I am so sorry. Thinking of you and your children.

I get rather upset by it. I'm (invisibly) disabled and partially deaf, so I'm very slow to respond a lot of the time.

God, I hate that. So rude and petty. It happens to me sometimes because I'm quiet and people can't hear me say 'thank you,'

I think you don't need to say thank you as such - a smile or a nod - a meeting of eyes, is often enough - ignoring someone for a kind gesture is not.

Correcting someone's manners is bad manners. Some people like having things to feel affronted by

@2Rebecca

Correcting someone's manners is bad manners. Some people like having things to feel affronted by

So if someone pushed in front of you in the queue for the bus/ cash machine/ co op would you just let them get on with it it would you politely say something.

Correcting good manners is rude. Pointing out the lack of manners is not.

I’m so sorry to read your news x don’t give this another thought

Good manners are making everyone comfortable, even those who commit a faux pas.

@Darklightspark harder with masks on !

I've had this said to me when because I'm a shy person and I've said thank you too quietly. Also I've had it said to me when people have waited for me to walk up a path/pavement (pre covid/social distancing) when I didn't realise they were waiting for me as there was plenty of room for both of us to walk along the pavement/path. I've also had some funny looks for saying thank you to people thinking they were waiting for me to pass when they weren't!

[quote Dottybirds]@Darklightspark harder with masks on ![/quote]
Everything is - but this lack of acknowledgment didn’t just arrive with the masks.

@Chuckitout morning 💐

I’m quite interested to see the results of the poll. To me, shaming someone for their apparent lack of manners is very rude.

How do you know what that person is going through?

How do you know whether they had the kind of childhood where they were not taught what you were?

And then I read the thread. To the parents who use this on their children. You are aware you are teaching your children to be rude and judgmental towards others?

Why on earth, when your children forget to say “thank you” don’t you just remind them directly to say it?

No wonder this particular form of bad manners is so prevalent. People are teaching their children that it’s acceptable behaviour. It isn’t.

Totally agree with you @AnyOldPrion

@Iwishiwereheather

I’m baffled why you are posting this. After getting that kind of news and having children to think about then why would you even have room in your mind to give this space?

If you're baffled, then maybe you haven't been through something like this & sometimes it's better to not be an insensitive oaf.

@Chuckitout. ((HUG)) you're defecting your anger & that's ok. Be as pissed off as you want to be about this, it's hurting no one.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your DH, sadly, there are many MNers who have been where you are & many that haven't who are here to help, as best they can on an online forum. I hope you have friends & family IRL who can support you all.

How old are your children?

I find it extremely rude.

I've had it said to me a few times when I've actually said thanks or smiled etc to acknowledge it.

I don’t understand this - surely the times people have said it to you when you’ve actually said thanks they are just saying “you’re welcome” genuinely?

There’s generally a tone to it Meredith. My extremely passive aggressive mother in law used it often.