To think the PA "you're welcome" is actually far ruder

[Chuckitout]

than absent mindedly neglecting to say thank you?

I like to think my manners are fairly acceptable, I try to see polite and put people at ease. However, today I was the recipient of the PA "you're welcome" when I neglected to acknowledge someone who held the door for me. As it happened, I was distracted, I'd just heard that DH's illness is terminal and was wondering how on earth I was going to tell DC.

Of course I should have said thank you, but what was muttering "you're welcome" at me supposed to achieve?

Yes, it would be good if everyone always remembered their thank yous, but I'm prepared to bet that the majority who have a momentary lapse and don't meet your standards are equally distracted, even if it's "only" about what to get for tea after a long day.

Going out of your way to deliberately make someone feel bad is surely far ruder?

If you must, feel smug inside about your superior manners, but don't kid yourself you're the better person if you deliberately act to show someone up.

The people who do this are pompous, sanctimonious twits who have the gall to think it is their responsibility to teach other adults about manners

I also believe everyone here has forgotten basic manners at some point due to distractions of everyday life but haven't been pulled up about it by rude people so have not noticed x

Absolutely agree OP. If you're that bothered by getting thanks then dont bother opening doors, getting out of others way etc. These things should be done to be nice not for gratitude. Often if people forget to say thank you it is normally due to absent mindedness because they have other things on their minds or just day dreaming even but it is not from a place of malice. Calling after someone 'you're welcome' however is. It is meant to embarrass and shame. I know what I consider ruder.

I've only heard the "You're welcome" nonsense in the last 5 years or so, often when I'm walking along the towpath by the river, from people coming towards me almost setting up and delighting in the confrontation, and it's often when it's just me on my own when the other person is walking two abreast. It's deeply agressive and revealing about the lack of manners of the other person. I'm so sorry about your situation OP. We all need to be more supportive, forgiving and kind, as they say no one has a clue what is going on in someone else's life.

@activitythree

From reading your comments you are one of them rude people. Pointing out someone else's manners is very patronising and high horsey

[quote scaredandfeared]@activitythree

From reading your comments you are one of them rude people. Pointing out someone else's manners is very patronising and high horsey[/quote]

Even though I explained the reason I would do it? Definitely no high horse here. I feel awful in situations where I have to make any kind of communication/contact with people so yes if I do something and don't get acknowledged I immediately think i did something wrong. I have already stated I would say 'you're welcome' not to 'chastise' someone for not use of manners but as a lashing out to protect myself from those feelings. Deflection?

Anyway this thread had made me think about how I act and react in theses situations to the point where I am able to know it's about me internally, not trying to put someone down or pull them up on their manners. I have never even co side red this before today and will certainly try and be more mindful in future.

Chewingle Has it not occurred to you that the OP may be desperately trying to distract herself by focusing on this thread and question?

@Chewingle

Excuse me

This happened today
You have just found out your DH has a terminal diagnosis
Your children don’t know

And you start a thread on this

No words

Perhaps you'd like to give me some instruction on exactly how it is appropriate to act in such a sotiatin? I explained up thread why I'm here.

@activitythree

You may not see it as the receiver of the comment but correcting someone on their manners can seem offensive and hurtful especially when we generally forget basic manners due to personal circumstances. It comes across very judgmental that's why I personally think its very rude and speaks volumes about a person.
I actually know someone who had a serious fight with a stranger due to something very pathetic like this. Making comments and judgements to anyone you don't know is never a smart move.

Its good how you a now reflecting this tho!

@Chewingle your response is shocking. It's very unkind to say this. The OP explained what was going on and the least we can do is be a kind and ready to listen.

@scaredandfeared

My whole point was that my reason for reacting is not to correct anyone. You think a reaction speaks volumes about me, when actually it doesn't tell you any of the things that you think about people who say 'you're welcome'

And the most annoying part of this whole thing is that it's being misunderstood that bothers me the most, which is why I would start to question myself over someone's response to me holding a door.

It's very hard to explain.

And you start a thread on this

No words

It's a shame if you had no words that you found time to find some anyway then isn't it. Your post is unhelpful and unpleasant.

@Chuckitout there is no appropriate way to respond in your situation. I'm so sorry about the awful news, we are here to listen. Sometimes microagressions can be so upsetting especially when you are contending with bigger things, that is why we all need to be more caring and kind.

Sorry for what you and your family are going through.

But I guess the ‘you’re welcome’ people could be suffering too, in their own lives, in unknowable ways, and to go unthanked might be the last straw in how invisible they feel their needs and feelings to be.

Or they might be narky arseholes.

We just don’t know. So cut them the slack you would hope to be afforded too, maybe?

My teens say this to teachers when they "forget" to say thank you when doors have been opened for them.

Sorry to hear about your husband, but YABU.

Sounds like you both showed poor manners. You for not saying “thank you” and the strangers pa “you’re welcome”.
Yes, you may have received some awful news but this person doesn’t know this.
I must admit, I’ve once used a “you’re welcome” comment and it was when I personally had received some awful news. Thought it would be nice to give a helping hand, thinking it may make me feel better about myself that particular day and would take my mind if things and their “thank you” would have meant a lot to me at that moment, but got completely ignored. It really hurt me as I was already feeling vulnerable and I ended up saying “you’re welcome”.
When I got home, I was peeved with myself for letting that persons poor manners annoy me so much and also for being a passive aggressive idiot.

Really sorry you had such bad news OP.

Demanding manners from people is aggressive and condescending. Comes across as controlling. Anyone coming on here making demands of you kind of prove that point.

It's not like they baked you a cake. Opening a door takes next to no effort.

Btw, I use MN as a way to cope with and distract from my own grief, so you are very much not alone with that.
Sending you strength.

@Darklightspark

My teens say this to teachers when they "forget" to say thank you when doors have been opened for them.

That’s excellent - the teachers should know better and would surely expect the students f say thank you were the roles reversed.

[quote Hexagon2]@Chuckitout there is no appropriate way to respond in your situation. I'm so sorry about the awful news, we are here to listen. Sometimes microagressions can be so upsetting especially when you are contending with bigger things, that is why we all need to be more caring and kind.[/quote]
^
This @Chuckitout - we may not all agree with you but if it helps you to chat here then that’s all good.

Do you have family locally?

If have told them why I was distracted and maybe they might be kinder in future. That's me...

Hope you're ok

@Orchidflower1 thing is if the teachers accuse them of being passive aggressive the teens just say I thought you said thank you and look all confused? Lots of the teachers don't say thank you, usually it's repeat offenders - the kids are very much expected to open doors for them - teens are very good at spotting when double standards are at work and to be honest I would be annoyed in their situation too. I find it so charming and lovely when local kids wave a thank you when I stop for them at a Zebra Crossing, they have no need to do it but it always makes me smile.

DH does this and I can't stand it. Either be gracious to someone or don't. Of course thanks are expected but correcting people for not thanking is insensitive for just the sort of reason you describe. We don't know why another person is distracted and it could be for some reason far more absorbing than our need to be recognised for being helpful.