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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the PA "you're welcome" is actually far ruder

133 replies

Chuckitout · 14/03/2021 16:00

than absent mindedly neglecting to say thank you?

I like to think my manners are fairly acceptable, I try to see polite and put people at ease. However, today I was the recipient of the PA "you're welcome" when I neglected to acknowledge someone who held the door for me. As it happened, I was distracted, I'd just heard that DH's illness is terminal and was wondering how on earth I was going to tell DC.

Of course I should have said thank you, but what was muttering "you're welcome" at me supposed to achieve?

Yes, it would be good if everyone always remembered their thank yous, but I'm prepared to bet that the majority who have a momentary lapse and don't meet your standards are equally distracted, even if it's "only" about what to get for tea after a long day.

Going out of your way to deliberately make someone feel bad is surely far ruder?

If you must, feel smug inside about your superior manners, but don't kid yourself you're the better person if you deliberately act to show someone up.

OP posts:
LIamaDelRey · 14/03/2021 16:30

Once heard very loudly in the supermarket

''Excuse you!''

and it still makes me laugh.

Cadent · 14/03/2021 16:32

It also annoys me that people acknowledge me opening the door for them etc when I’m dressed smartly, with heels, make up etc. When I’m in my trainers and jacket I seem to be invisible.

LApprentiSorcier · 14/03/2021 16:35

Good manners have their origin in what makes others feel pleasant and comfortable.

Therefore, calling someone out on their lack of good manners is the opposite of good manners and arguably worse than the omission which prompted it because it's a deliberate attempt to humiliate, rather than (most likely) carelessness or distraction.

I'm sorry you've had such awful news, OP. Flowers

Tal45 · 14/03/2021 16:37

Passive aggressive shit that you really don't need to deal with right now. If they only wanted to hold the door open for you if they were thanked then they really shouldn't have bothered.

Dottybirds · 14/03/2021 16:38

OP...with the greatest respect, considering the news you’ve just had, do you not think you’re taking the whole ‘you’re welcome thing’ possibly just a tiny bit too personally?
of course you were distracted by the awful news and so nobody could fault you for that. But don’t even give it the headspace. You know why you didn’t say it and that’s enough.
Don’t take it to heart, maybe those people were having a bad day too for whatever reason and got frustrated when they thought you were being rude?
There’s no right and wrong here, it’s not even worth troubling you

ElderMillennial · 14/03/2021 16:39

The person who said it might have had other things on their mind too, but still held the door open, and wondered why they didn't get a thank you.

Amdone123 · 14/03/2021 16:39

Sorry to hear about your husband.
You're right. I do this a lot, but I don't know what people are dealing with / going through. Next time, I'll do my bit, and if they don't respond, I'll just go on my merry way.

HauntedPencil · 14/03/2021 16:40

Exactly - some people take such a pleasure in chiding someone when they hadn't asked for the favour in the first place!

Original poster
Chuckitout · 14/03/2021 16:42

@ElderMillennial

The person who said it might have had other things on their mind too, but still held the door open, and wondered why they didn't get a thank you.
You can't accidentally make a smart comment, unless it's the sort of thing you often do. Being forgetful, or even maybe just having no manners is one thing, but this is a deliberate act designed to put someone in their place and make them feel bad. How can that be considered good manners?
OP posts:
Laila747 · 14/03/2021 16:45

I would never, ever do the ‘you’re welcome’ thing when I’m out and about...
I hold a door open because it’s polite, not because I expect a thankyou for it.

I do, however, frequently say ‘you’re welcome’ to my DC who dash downstairs when dinner is ready and hoover it up without a simple ‘thanks’ for my time and effort in preparing it.
It’s MY job to instil manners in my children, not everyone else.

Sorry to hear you’ve had bad news OP Flowers

ElderMillennial · 14/03/2021 16:46

OP I'm just giving you another perspective to think about. I'm sure you think you are right and they are wrong but the fact is they could have said it without thinking, not an accident (just as you walking through the door they held open for you was not an accident) but hardly something they had on planned ahead with.

activitythree · 14/03/2021 16:47

. Being forgetful, or even maybe just having no manners is one thing, but this is a deliberate act designed to put someone in their place and make them feel bad.

That's just your interpretation.

Like I said, my reason would be a defence mechanism, to protect my own feelings. Call it lashing out if you may, but it would certainly come from the fact I had done something for another person and not been acknowledged, to the point I would feel silly.

You don't get to decide why someone chooses to say ' your welcome' in the same way you are telling people they don't get to decide why people didn't hold the door.

You are determined you are right, and there is only one way to look at this situation, your way. I understand you are having a tough time, but this isn't going to help.

ElderMillennial · 14/03/2021 16:47

Also of course it's not good manners to say that but neither is not saying thank you.

Level32 · 14/03/2021 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Orchidflower1 · 14/03/2021 17:01

@Chuckitout

I think you’re going to get a mixed response to your answer but with the vast majority saying it wasn’t rude- nice manners don’t cost anything- saying thank you is nice manners. A you’re welcome response without the thanks is certainly no more rude than missing the thanks out.

I say this with kindness @Chuckitout you’ve had truly awful news and this incident occurring immediately after is, imho, is what you’re focusing on to deflect your emotions. I have never walked in your shoes so I may be going down the wrong path.

Please take time to be with your family. This thread will only add to your stress. 💐

ChancesWhatChances · 14/03/2021 17:04

While I fully understand why you were distracted, refusing to acknowledge someone that has gone out of their way to do something for you is both rude and hurtful. You not only make the other person feel invisible but inferior too, so o don’t believe I direct your welcome is always warranted. It’s not passive aggressive, you’re directly reminding someone that they’re not the sole person in the universe and others don’t live to serve them

scaredandfeared · 14/03/2021 17:05

The same thing happened to me a few years ago in a very busy shopping centre. I always say thank you or give an acknowledgement but this time I was distracted with bad news. The bloke said it really loud and so many people heard it! I felt like crying. I agree it's really rude and tbh I couldn't care if someone didn't thank me for common courtesy. Xx

ChancesWhatChances · 14/03/2021 17:06

Holy crap my spelling and grammar in that post was awful, sorry!

pcmcgregor · 14/03/2021 17:08

@Level32

It is incredibly rude to pull people up on their poor manners. It's one of those high society faux pas.

NOT MY PERSONAL OPINION: "It makes you stand out as someone from a lower class if you correct someone on their mannners"

So I agree OP.

This.
TheGoogleMum · 14/03/2021 17:10

Yanbu, if you need a thank you to hold a door open maybe don't hold the door open :/

HyacynthBucket · 14/03/2021 17:10

activitythree
Saying this is totally passive aggressive. The direct approach if you felt you had to say something to correct them, would be - "A thank you would have been nice", However, as OP shows, we do not know what anyone has on their mind at the time. Wishing you and your family the best OP Flowers

scaredandfeared · 14/03/2021 17:11

With respect some posters on here may of never had an experience where they hear some news that can quite literally knock you for 10 and your unable to function and you go onto autopilot x sorry to hear your news OP xxx

LApprentiSorcier · 14/03/2021 17:13

@scaredandfeared

With respect some posters on here may of never had an experience where they hear some news that can quite literally knock you for 10 and your unable to function and you go onto autopilot x sorry to hear your news OP xxx
Yes, this 100%.
activitythree · 14/03/2021 17:17

@scaredandfeared

With respect some posters on here may of never had an experience where they hear some news that can quite literally knock you for 10 and your unable to function and you go onto autopilot x sorry to hear your news OP xxx

I don't think that's at all fair. No one is saying OP is wrong for not thanking the person due to the news.

Don't make judgements about what people may or may not have been through based on a black and white answer to a question about manners - now that really is rude.

Anne1958 · 14/03/2021 17:19

I say this with kindness @Chuckitout you’ve had truly awful news and this incident occurring immediately after is, imho, is what you’re focusing on to deflect your emotions. I have never walked in your shoes so I may be going down the wrong path

Please take time to be with your family. This thread will only add to your stress. 💐

Orchid flower, you’re lovely 💐