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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

524 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 13/03/2021 21:58

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

OP posts:
BaaMooCluckOink · 14/03/2021 04:31

Also and sorry for keeping on adding! I do wonder Do people who want to go to sleep at the same time like OP expect that if the other half just tries they will be able to sleep because it really isn’t that simple for a lot of folk. You can try as much as you like if you can’t fall asleep, then you just can’t. It’s harder than trying to stay awake imo

1forAll74 · 14/03/2021 04:43

I don't think I ever went to bed at the same time as my late Husband. He used to go to bed much too early for me. It wasn't an issue for me though,people can go to bed when they like., as people have their own sleeping patterns.

StormcloakNord · 14/03/2021 05:02

I'm quite shocked at the responses...

DH and I always go to bed together, always have done. Doesn't matter which one of us wants to go up first we always go up together... I've never seen it as controlling or weird Confused

We like to either read together or watch an episode of something before going to sleep. He usually tickles my back/stays up a bit later so I sleep first (cause hes a snorer) but regardless we always go up together.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all to want that, and it's not like you've said to him "right it's 11.30pm time to go to bed mister". You've asked if you can go up together, and he's been a bit of a prat about it.

And for the record we aren't old fashioned at all - early/mid 30's. We just like each other's company Confused

RickiTarr · 14/03/2021 05:10

This is the kind of issue that makes me never want to remarry or cohabit.

I don’t know if you can make a general rule about the reasonableness of it but I know I feel absolute trapped and smothered when people (STBXH, previous DP) try to control my bedtime.

In fact in an abusive relationship in my twenties it was one of the first irksome behaviours from a man who ended up being very violent to me. I don’t know if that colours my view. I don’t think so really because my first live in boyfriend before that also used to annoy me with the joint bedtime thing.

People are different, I guess, and if we are going to do this crazy thing of living in little pairs, you either need to find a human who really matches you very closely, or be prepared to give them space. 🤷🏻‍♀️

23PissOffAvenueWF · 14/03/2021 05:19

DH and I always go to bed together, always have done. Doesn't matter which one of us wants to go up first we always go up together... I've never seen it as controlling or weird Confused

It’s controlling if the other person doesn’t want to do it!

DH and I rarely go to bed at the same time, and we love each other’s company!

Justanotherdragact · 14/03/2021 05:21

@Bonheurdupasse

I disagree with PP. I’d be missing the intimacy of going to bed together, quick cuddle - if we went to bed at different times. Nothing to do with sex
Same. Also, why wouldn’t he want that too? I think it’s lovely to go to bed at the same time, cuddle then sleep. You shouldn’t feel silly for wanting that OP. I hope you don’t after reading some of the replies on here xx
StormcloakNord · 14/03/2021 05:27

I totally understand PP's saying it's controlling to make someone go to bed at a specified time etc

But, I don't think that's what OP was trying to do. She was just asking her husband if there was any scope for going to bed together because it's something she wants - that to me isn't controlling behaviour it's asking something.

He plainly said no, albeit quite harshly, and OP's got every right to feel sad about it! Sadly there's not much that can be done as yes it would be controlling to emotionally manipulate him into going to bed earlier. Doesn't sound like that's what OP has done though...

Bottomlesspit21 · 14/03/2021 06:58

I’ve always gone to bed at the same time as boyfriends they might just stay up later watching tv than me, I would also hate going to bed separately!

Benjispruce2 · 14/03/2021 07:18

Strange to drop what you’re doing because your partner is going to bed.

roastpotatoesss · 14/03/2021 07:33

You’re getting some harsh responses here OP. This thread clearly demonstrates that different things work for different couples- and what matters here is what works for the two of you, nobody else.

You imply you previously did go to bed together, and when you asked about this your DH snapped at you. That seems like an unfair and disproportionate reaction unless this is something you’ve been needling him about every single day and going to bed at the time is something you’ve never done before.

If you want a conversation with him about it I’d suggest bringing it up during the day and not actually at bedtime, if you’re asking as you’re practically halfway up the stairs he could understandably feel a bit pressured and as PPs have said- that could come off as condescending or controlling.

The issue here isn’t whether other people agree on same or seperate bedtimes!

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2021 07:39

He didn’t react very well here but I don’t think you should be asking him to go to bed just because you are. Maybe you can have a chat and bond another time or at the weekend. Surely you’re together all the time so all the time is family time?! Sounds a bit suffocating to me. He’s probably still watching porn downstairs when you’re asleep which could be why he didn’t want to change

Mucklemore · 14/03/2021 07:43

I wonder if he's struggling with people overload? The hardest thing I found about lockdown is that there are people in my house all the time. I just want some time on my own to watch my own telly, not have to talk to anyone. It's exhausting and making me very frustrated and sad.

It's hard to explain to your husband and kids tho.

rainbowfairydust · 14/03/2021 07:45

This would make so mad too if my partner suggested this, would really get my back up and I'd feel he was trying to control me... And probably wanting sex!

Okbussitout · 14/03/2021 07:57

I'm amazed at how many people have such seperate routines. We pretty much always go to bed together. I agree with op it's a nice time to connect. Obviously sex can happen outside the bedroom but if you're not in bed together at the same time are you planning sex all the time? Or having to say you want it? Just feels like there's no opportunity for spontaneity.

I think you've given really clear and legitimate reason why you want an occasional shared bedtime. The way he flew off the handle the first time is worrying. Does he normally have temper problems?

Okbussitout · 14/03/2021 08:00

I also can't help wondering if the pp's responding very harshly are lacking connection in their own relationships, so have decided these very sep lives are a good thing?

minniemoocher · 14/03/2021 08:01

Exh was like yours, note he's exh. Dp can't wait to go to bed Grin

MiddlesexGirl · 14/03/2021 08:04

If you want sex you don't have to go to bed at the same time to indicate this. There are many other ways, many of which involve no conversation at all!

SoSaidTheLlama · 14/03/2021 08:06

I also can't help wondering if the pp's responding very harshly are lacking connection in their own relationships, so have decided these very sep lives are a good thing?

No. We're just fully functioning adults who aren't entirely dependent on forcing another adult to follow our every whim in order to feel secure.

We recognise that two adults who decided to form a relationship are still two separate beings with their own needs and desires and that a healthy relationship does not require us to spend every second of our free time together.

RickiTarr · 14/03/2021 08:08

@Okbussitout

I also can't help wondering if the pp's responding very harshly are lacking connection in their own relationships, so have decided these very sep lives are a good thing?
Yes that’ll be it. Sleep patterns are a marker of relationship commitment, rather than just, y’know, body clocks. ConfusedGrin

Why is there always someone making these strange leaps on every thread?

Standrewsschool · 14/03/2021 08:10

We rarely go to bed at the same time. Sometimes one of us is watching a tv programme, or one of us is more tired than the other.

Fair enough to ask what time he’s going to bed, as long as you accept his answer. My dm always used to go to bed later than my dad, as with a young family, she loved having thirty minutes solitude at the end of the day.

Benjispruce2 · 14/03/2021 08:11

Been married 25 yrs, happily. Last night DH came to bed first, me an hour later. We’re both awake in bed now with a cuppa. We eat together, walk together etc etc. Don’t also need to go to bed at the same time.

Aprilx · 14/03/2021 08:13

You are being controlling and I am not surprised he is getting annoyed with you. You cannot tell another adult when they need to be in bed, is he supposed to just lie there wide awake?

Last night I went to bed before 10pm, DH was probably up until 1am. Currently I am sat downstairs with a cup of tea and he is still asleep, we have different sleep patterns. To be honest, I think we both enjoy that extra couple of hours to ourselves.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/03/2021 08:14

While many are surorised at how many couples go to bed separately if they are not yored at the same time, I am surprised at how many people have a tv in the bedroom.
And obviously never worked different shifts🙈

AfterSchoolWorry · 14/03/2021 08:18

@Mucklemore

I wonder if he's struggling with people overload? The hardest thing I found about lockdown is that there are people in my house all the time. I just want some time on my own to watch my own telly, not have to talk to anyone. It's exhausting and making me very frustrated and sad.

It's hard to explain to your husband and kids tho.

This is me. I wish they'd all just fuck off!

All this talk of 'cuddling and chatting' is making me cringe!

MrsTophamHat · 14/03/2021 08:19

I wouldn't like being told when to go to bed. We sometimes go together, sometimes not. Sometimes we spend time together in the evening, sometimes we sit in separate rooms if he is watching football or something.

I would not be able to spend my life with a partner who didn't seem able to do their own thing without me being there.

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