To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

@BananaBMumma

YANBU it is the intimacy and comfort of having your partner there. It’s the starting and ending the day together as a team.

Unless they could snore for Britain🙈 Or turn around like wind turbines did last few days.

My DH falls asleep as soon as he lies down, I take long time to wind down. Ao I get pissed off that he is sleeping already😂 We are basically just totally sleep incompatible. But we like each other (even more if we get proper sleep) so we have separate sleeping. We don't need to "start/finish a day together" to be a team. It's fine if some people want to! It's fine if they don't. Personal preferences.

It's not fine though when one doesn't want to stay alone/go sleep at same time and tries to force the other into the same.

I can't imagine my DH getting upset if I didn't go to bed at the same time. I'd hate that so much.

Yabvu

YABU. My DH gets up for work at 4.30am so is falling asleep in a chair by 8.30 most evenings if he doesn't take himself off to bed. Every day unless we're on holiday as it's our own business and his role requires that he's up that early. On the other hand, our children aren't even in bed most nights until 9pm ish and I have only just sat down for the evening and like to watch something of my choice on TV.

Been together 23 years and still going strong. Helps that we work together and have time to chat. We have a few mornings each week where DH only needs to check all is fine, staff have arrived etc and he will then sneak back to bed with me for a little bit longer. Every relationship is different. I'm afraid you come across as a bit needy and risk pushing him away.

YANBU it is the intimacy and comfort of having your partner there. It’s the starting and ending the day together as a team.

But it's the ending of the day for one of you as a team, whilst the other lies there bored and awake for hours or otherwise feels forced into going against their natural body clock.

If instead of 'partner', you'd said 'mummy', I'd completely get it - but even mummy will go back downstairs once her services for comforting somebody to sleep are no longer required.

I can’t remember the last time my husband and i went to bed at the same time. He goes up at 10pm every night. I’m a night owl and usually up until 2 or 3am.

It sounds like something which is great in a film or something

I hate going to bed before I'm ready.

Having lived for several years with a man who insisted I go to bed when he did (sex or no), although your husband should not have snapped at you, I'd advise you to just...get over it. I know that sounds short, but there is nothing more frustrating than having someone dictate your bed time once you're "all growed up and haired over" (lovey Southern USA saying).

If it works for you both, then great; but I can't help feeling that, for a lot of people of a certain generation, there's the implicit idea that the tired hard-working man goes to bed whenever he's ready after a long busy day at work and his dutiful lady wife will need to adjust to his schedule, to ensure that she's there for him every night to provide sex if he decides that he wants it. After all, she's only flitting around the house with a duster, smiling at the baby and seeing her friends for tea and cake all day, so her schedules hardly matter, do they??!!

Me and DP never go to bed at the same time, midnight is a reasonable hour to go to bed, you’re not his mother it’s weird and suffocating

My husband can't seem to go to bed before 1am. It drives me mad only because he wakes the whole house up when he eventually goes to bed, then he sleeps in until late on the weekend and I'm up early. I don't like it but I don't insist he goes to bed earlier but I do complain about the noise he makes as he doesn't seem to care that the rest of us are asleep.

I’m so so surprised by all these answers. I asked OP about the tone of the conversations, and it seems to me that he has overreacted each time. Rather than just saying “I’m just not sleepy enough yet”, or “I’ll come up for a bit, and then want to watch a film”, or even just a firm “I really don’t like going to bed before 1am, can we stay down here a little longer, and chat?” He keeps flying off the handle.

Unless I’m really missing something, this is not pleasant, and for me would be the bone of contention. My DH always wants to stay up later, but the way he phrases it reminds me of a teenager who thinks they’re missing out by going to bed early, but we try and do a mix of what suits us both.

Maybe try talking to him when it’s not actually 11pm OP, say when you’re walking through the park with the pram, I don’t know, and just say you miss him, and can you find a way to spend a bit more time cuddling, talking, without him feeling as if you’re whiny. Good luck.

I wouldn't find this endearing at all. I'd hate to be told when I should go to bed. Why can't you bond at other times ?

Then you need you to stay up until he’s ready for bed and to be honest that would annoy me too, I’d find it beyond suffocating!

When I was in a relationship I basically never went to bed same time as then dp. I absolutely needed time to myself, with small children that didn't happen until late. He used to purposely stay up, despite literally falling asleep, it was infuriating.

Let him have space fgs.

YABU

OP you haven’t answered what you expect him to do when you’re asleep. I couldn’t go at the same time as DP we have totally different sleep needs. This reminds me of the hug and roll in friends. We don’t spend nighttime cuddled up in bed. But no worries about our intimacy.

@viixie @zurala same ! I'm so surprised how many couples go to bed separately ! My husband and I have always gone to bed at the same time. Usually if my husband isn't tired, I will stay up a bit later to go to bed with him and vice versa. I really like having a snuggle and a chat before bed.
I will say though that if I was really tired, that I wouldn't ever make him come to bed early when he wasn't tired. Maybe we just have similar sleep cycles /sleep needs 🤷🏼‍♀️

You would hate our marriage then, we don’t even share a bed, never mind a bedtime!

You’re both adults, stop trying to mother him

I don't think it's so strange to want to go to bed at roughly the same time more often than not, OP. I agree that it's a nice time for bonding and unwinding together. It needn't be only for sex!

Your partner's response feels like an overreaction. It doesn't seem like you're insisting or complaining, so I wouldn't say it's controlling to just ask if he's coming to bed.

The best option is probably to find other times for bonding. I'd also try a calm discussion about what you each want and finding a compromise.

@nameisnotimportant that’s the thing it is a nice thing to do if your sleep cycle etc is in sync and you are both either fiddlers or not cuddlers etc but I will compromise all day long on whatever - I’m going to sleep my way. I’m an insomniac, I get too hot for cuddles and don’t find it comfy. My husband snores like a bear and there is absolutely no way I’d lie for 3 hours staring at the ceiling or whatever listening to him snore because he preferred me to be there for him sleeping. We chat all through the day, we are affectionate in our daily lives, we do it where and when the mood takes us. We just don’t have compatible sleep patterns and for some people to suggest that you must be lacking intimacy I find insulting. Maybe they would but intimacy doesn’t have to be confined to half an hour at bedtime. We don’t even share a room now most of the time. We have a kiss and whatever we have our rooms, sleep how we see fit and then can’t wait to see each other in the morning.

Fiddlers should be cuddlers. There’s a slip

@BaaMooCluckOink I guess every couple just does what works for them🤷🏼‍♀️. I really sympathise about the insomnia, it must be bloody awful. My husband actually does have quite badinsomnia but usually from about 2am-6pm and so he actually does often get up in the middle of the night to read or play games when he can't sleep. While it's nice we go to bed together and are generally feel tired at the same time, I wouldn't dream of making him come back to bed just because I wanted him to snuggle

@LifeIsAnArt I guess what your saying op is that you usually go to bed together and something has changed and your partner is getting snappy with you. I get wanting that extra level of intimacy once the baby is in bed but there are definitely other times in the evening that you can connect with your partner. I think you need to speak to your partner about it and come up with a solution. Could you stay up later so you go together at the same time ? Is he needing some space and doesn't want to go to bed at the same time ? Could you cuddle up on the sofa and watch a movie together instead ? These things can only be resolved if you talk them through and see what your partner wants/needs and vice versa

Oh so he gets tired and wakes up after a short sleep? So many different effects insomnia has. I’m hoping to fall asleep soon. Once I’m asleep that will be me dead to the world for a good while. My body will just not shut off at night. And obviously being on this won’t be helping but it’s a vicious cycle. It keeps my brain from the worries Id have otherwise. I couldn’t possibly have went to bed at the same time as my husband. People just need to do what works. I can’t say what’s best for others but everyone deserves a good sleep or to sleep the way they see fit. It makes you less grouchy for a start!