To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

My mum always had to go to bed at the same time as my dad. He turned out all the lights and locked up the house. I would hate to be told when to go to bed but if it happens naturally that’s fine .

This is so weird! We rarely go to bed at the same time and I'd hate it if he followed me up every night!

My partner stays up too late, he knows that its his fault if he is tired and its no excuse for not functioning the next day. However he always comes and gives me a cuddle when I go up to say goodnight, your DH reaction is pretty bad and only you know if its because you are keeping on at him or part of a wider issue.

There’s some good drip feeds on here op, it reads like you’re trying to change the answers to agree with you 😂

I also don’t understand why you can’t habe a cuddle and a chat downstairs. Unless you want sex, why does it need to be in bed? Why can’t you snuggle up on the sofa? Surely arguing about location is just pointless?

You can have a cuddle and a chat anywhere. If this is actually you simply want him in bed at the same time as you them you’ve moved to a level of controlling that’s not ok. Forcing him to go to bed isn’t going to make him sleep, that’s not how it works for most of us, we just lie there awake.

Unless you want sex, why does it need to be in bed?

That too doesn't need to be in a bed🙈

It's very rare for my hubby and I to go to bed at the same time, he's a night owl so doesn't feel tired till about 2am, I'm in bed most nights by 11

Never been a problem for us

@SoSaidTheLlama

I also can't help wondering if the pp's responding very harshly are lacking connection in their own relationships, so have decided these very sep lives are a good thing?

No. We're just fully functioning adults who aren't entirely dependent on forcing another adult to follow our every whim in order to feel secure.

We recognise that two adults who decided to form a relationship are still two separate beings with their own needs and desires and that a healthy relationship does not require us to spend every second of our free time together.

Ok but the vitriolic response sort of hints otherwise.

@StormcloakNord

I totally understand PP's saying it's controlling to make someone go to bed at a specified time etc

But, I don't think that's what OP was trying to do. She was just asking her husband if there was any scope for going to bed together because it's something she wants - that to me isn't controlling behaviour it's asking something.

He plainly said no, albeit quite harshly, and OP's got every right to feel sad about it! Sadly there's not much that can be done as yes it would be controlling to emotionally manipulate him into going to bed earlier. Doesn't sound like that's what OP has done though...

Thanks for understanding. There's no "forcing" involved, and I do think that as grown couples we should be able to chat about these things without losing temper. Since it's something that apparently gets him mad, I won't bring it up again.

@BaaMooCluckOink

Also and sorry for keeping on adding! I do wonder Do people who want to go to sleep at the same time like OP expect that if the other half just tries they will be able to sleep because it really isn’t that simple for a lot of folk. You can try as much as you like if you can’t fall asleep, then you just can’t. It’s harder than trying to stay awake imo

It varies from person to person. Lots of people assume that going to bed earlier means "lying there wide awake", but my husband is something who can drop off to dreamland in 3 seconds flat most days. So that part isn't a concern.

And as mentioned before I see going up to bed as winding down time, each to their own.

Nah I go when I’m tired and so does he.

Last night as an e.g I went up at 7:30 and was asleep by 8:00 I think he came up at 10:30 ish after having a bath and beer watching a film.

Some people need some time alone to recharge, we’re very much that type of person So schedule it in every day.

If you need to add intimacy why does it need to be in bed?

@lborgia

I’m so so surprised by all these answers. I asked OP about the tone of the conversations, and it seems to me that he has overreacted each time. Rather than just saying “I’m just not sleepy enough yet”, or “I’ll come up for a bit, and then want to watch a film”, or even just a firm “I really don’t like going to bed before 1am, can we stay down here a little longer, and chat?” He keeps flying off the handle.

Unless I’m really missing something, this is not pleasant, and for me would be the bone of contention. My DH always wants to stay up later, but the way he phrases it reminds me of a teenager who thinks they’re missing out by going to bed early, but we try and do a mix of what suits us both.

Maybe try talking to him when it’s not actually 11pm OP, say when you’re walking through the park with the pram, I don’t know, and just say you miss him, and can you find a way to spend a bit more time cuddling, talking, without him feeling as if you’re whiny. Good luck.

Exactly this. When I asked him about the possibility of going to bed more in sync, it was just after dinner, so not during bedtime. What I was looking for was calm conversation, and no accusation from either part. I'm more upset by the way he responded than anything else.

@Fortunefavours1

I agree with *@Bonheurdupasse*.

Where's the intimacy and closeness?

Also, ex never coming to bed at the same time as me was the beginning of the end of our marriage. It became so I didn't want him next to me in bed and it stopped me falling asleep with him there. I then began to resent that he'd only bother to come to bed with me when he wanted sex.

This happened with me too, then he started using a different bedroom. He used all that free time for on demand porn and cheating with who knows how many. As a result I don’t think it’s a good practice to always sleep apart or always have different ‘bedtimes’. Sometimes is ok, but the all too familiar rages when queried make me want to suggest you discretely check things out OP.

So the poor sod is an overreacting porn-addled philanderer with a tendency to rages now? 😂

My ILs go to bed together; same time every night. And it's really depressing to watch. When we're staying over there (pre-Covid!), the minute the 10 o clock news finishes, FIL is on his feet saying "off to bed then!"
MIL will often want to stay up later with us, chatting or catching up, but if she does, he gets all wounded and whingy about it. So instead she follows him up to bed, obediently, often rolling her eyes behind his back.

I'm also a bit at the number of people equating going to bed together with "intimacy" or "cuddles" or "winding down time." The latter can be done on the sofa while reading or watching tv or chatting. And if by "intimacy" people actually mean sex, then it's pretty unimaginative to just think that's something done at bedtime, in bed, right?

I don't see why it's weird or controlling to want to have some alignment of bed times? It doesn't have to be every single night, but sometimes it's nice to have chats and cuddles before falling asleep. You can agree on a time that suits you both. Of course, you can do have goodnight chats on the couch too, but it's nicer in bed - DH and I tend to have our best conversations at night in bed about life and how we're feeling.

So yeah, sometimes you do need the alone time at night and it wouldn't be reasonable to force one person to go to bed if they don't feel like it, but having some shared nights isn't unreasonable. Maybe you could agree on a couple of nights a week where you do it?

Of course, you can do have goodnight chats on the couch too, but it's nicer in bed -

@DrJamesSheppard in your opinion it's nicer in bed. Shockingly everyone is different and prefers to do things in a different way and finds different things nicer.

@CrayonInThreeBits

So the poor sod is an overreacting porn-addled philanderer with a tendency to rages now? 😂

This made me lough 😅🤣

I also can't help wondering if the pp's responding very harshly are lacking connection in their own relationships, so have decided these very sep lives are a good thing?

Why, because we don't follow your particular rules about good relationships?

Some people tend to be quite needy and prefer to live in each other's pockets all the time. As long as both parties are happy with that, then that's a perfectly valid way to live. Other people tend to be more independent, and would find it suffocating to have to do everything together on someone else's schedule. Again, as long as both parties are happy with that, it's a perfectly valid way to live.

The problem arises when there is a mismatch between expectations. One partner thinks that it's the unwritten law of couplehood that couples must do everything together, either because that's what their parents did or because they just like it that way, while the other thinks that it's normal and desirable for grown adults to want some time and space. There is no easy way of resolving this, because it's likely that the needier partner will feel lonely and hurt while the other one will feel controlled and suffocated. They either need to find a happy medium that they can both live with, or agree that they just aren't compatible.

I don't think I could live with a very needy partner tbh. It would do my head in. Intimacy, for me, doesn't mean forced closeness, dependence or following particular rules about what couples do. It means recognising that we have chosen to be together for the last two and a half decades even though neither of us actually needs the other one and we fully respect each other's independence. True connections are chosen, not forced.

There is nothing wrong with your dh wanting to stay up later than you. There is a huge problem with the way he reacted to your requests. Yanbu.

@NerrSnerr

Of course, you can do have goodnight chats on the couch too, but it's nicer in bed -

@DrJamesSheppard in your opinion it's nicer in bed. Shockingly everyone is different and prefers to do things in a different way and finds different things nicer.

Sure, that's just my opinion. And the OP obviously thinks so too, but maybe we're in the minority it seems

It would drive me insane if my DH were harping about me going to bed at the same time as him. Unless it's clearly an invitation for sex, then one should make it clear and build it up during the day, as being expected to get hot and heavy on command is off-putting as well, to me at least and in an everyday setting.
I need solitude to charge my batteries and having the house to myself after everyone has gone to bed, or hasn't woken yet, is a bliss.

I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him

I agree with him 100%. I would find it really weird and needy if a partner insisted on this. Why do you think you feel like this? I am mid fifties and find it very odd so am not sure it's about being "old fashioned." It sounds more controlling than anything else.

Do you think it's because of the porn use? I would have ditched him for that. Couldn't be getting up close and personal with a regular porn user, so maybe I am the old fashioned one.

Today 08:20 sandgrown

My mum always had to go to bed at the same time as my dad. He turned out all the lights and locked up the house. I would hate to be told when to go to bed but if it happens naturally that’s fine .

I have a friend in this situation. Her H decides it’s bedtime , TV is switched off , lights off and she has to follow him . It’s so depressing. She admits she hates it but attempts ( over 40 years!) to change it have been met with accusations of “ not caring”
Many people are struggling with lockdown . I love DH very much but sometimes I just want a couple of hours to myself , maybe OP’s DH us the same ?

We go to bed when we’re tired, we don’t go to bed to please someone else.

I tend to go to bed around 11:30, my partner usually asleep by 9:30. If I went to bed with him I would lay there awake for hours, if we came to bed with me he would be tired all the time.

My partner and I nearly always go to bed at the same time. We have been together 20+ years and is just what we have always done. Maybe once a month one of us goes up alone. We watch tv in bed and have a cuddle then I put my ear plugs in and go to sleep whilst he watches more tv