To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

Different folk like different things, but I personally don't see the point in going to bed and then just continuing to do more of what you were doing before - watching TV, reading, chatting, catching up on your emails or whatever - in a room specifically designed for this and with much more comfortable furniture for doing things best done in a sitting position.

Clearly many will disagree, but I see bedrooms as places for sleeping and, erm, adult pastimes - not ersatz living rooms. It's not like you're a teenager and that's your own 'territory'.

My OH and I never go to bed at the same time. I'm a night owl and he falls asleep in the chair in the evening. He also seems to need much more sleep than me so he will often go to bed a couple of hours before me. I'll stay up and watch some tv or be on my laptop (like now - he's in bed now)

As for the PP who asked about intimacy - we always have sex in the mornings.. I can't remember the last time we had sex at night!

@RhubarbCustardy

Tbh I'd be pissed off if my husband asked me to go up the same time. Seems a bit controlling to me too.

Same here, as I'm a dire insomniac and DH is asleep within minutes of his head being on the pillow.

My folks didn't even go to bed at the same time and they were married for 56 years before my father passed away. She would usually stay up a bit later.

As for cuddles and chat, we do it on the sofa. The sofa's actually also seen as much action as the bed .

I've actually remembered something funny, when I initially got married we lived at my in-laws for a short while, my pils actually expected me to go bed same time as dh, if I was still downstairs whilst dh has gone bed, they would tell me to go too as dh has gone to bed. 😂😂 I remember feeling so awkward about it like yeahhh better go see to that husband of mine 😂

I think at least a couple of times a week he should go up same time as you just to spend some time together and chat. Not seeing your husband all day properly and then not even at bedtime, will make one feel lonely.

Is your living room only big enough for one person at a time and a mandatory silence zone?

YABU. And yes, you do sound controlling. I completely understand where you're coming from, wanting that time together, but it's hardly going to be precious bonding time if he'd rather be downstairs enjoying some time to himself.

DH and me are on more extreme schedules, he often goes to sleep at 9am and rises at 4am, while I typically go to bed at 2am but in lockdown have slipped to 4am. So we'll sometimes have a wee chat at 4am. DH loves to criticise me for my late bedtime, too, but I honestly would rather have that time to myself than lie in bed at 10pm listening to him snore.

On occasion in previous years we have solved this issue by me going upstairs with him at his bedtime for a chat and a cuddle and then he'd go to sleep and I'd go back downstairs. Maybe that's something you could consider?

Whatever you do, I would recommend accepting that your DH has a different rhythm from you and leave him be. By nature, around a third of us are early risers who go to bed early, another third go to bed late and would rise late (that's me, only I still get up early because I have to), and the last third falls in between. DH and I are at extreme ends of that distribution, but it doesn't make either of us better or worse or deserving of criticism. (Much as my DH disagrees.)

I would find your behaviour suffocatingly needy.

My ex would have loved it because he loves suffocating relationships.

There is no better opportunity for quality me-time than the early hours of the morning, if you are a night owl like me.

I do think your partner’s refusal to discuss it in a civil fashion is a bit immature and ott but if you’re always on at him to go to bed early I can see why he’s now snapping. If he’s compromising by going to bed at the same time as you once a week I think that’s generous and you should take it tbh.

Or break up with him and go out with someone like my ex... every photo taken of us together depicts him with his arm possessively draped over me... wherever we went he gazed adoringly at me... when I went out he waited loyally for me like a dog (in the end I replaced him with a dog and was much happier) and every time I had a conversation with a man he was consumed with jealousy. I hated it but you might prefer that kind of relationship?

Surprised at the answers too. I'm divorced. I think of us never going to bed at the same time as one of the reasons we are divorced. It causes detachment over a long period. I now think of it as something significant, having lived through that.

Wow, I am genuinely interested, and also surprised by responses. My partner and I always go to bed at the same time - It’s just what we have always done, and we wouldn’t change it. Didn’t realise it was so controversial.

Everyone needs their own space especially during lockdown

It's very needy to keep going on at a grown adult demanding he go up when you do - if you want to be with him stay downstairs if no go to bed

Simple

We go to bed at the same time,have done for 8 years.

YANBU it is the intimacy and comfort of having your partner there. It’s the starting and ending the day together as a team.

I agree with you. I become disconnected fairly quickly from DH if we have wildly different bedtimes

In our case it’s me who would stay up later and him who generally gently reminds me I am starting to skew to a later bedtime. We are very tactile and touch a lot in bed and it is very bonding. I can feel the oxytocin flowing!

Friday and Saturday nights I come to bed when I want, but I tend to just drink wine and eat crisps so don’t feel great about myself the next day.

My husband and I go to bed usually at the same time. It's nice to have the last chat and a little bit of "spooning". Sometimes he or I will stay watching TV or just didn't feel like going to bed yet and that's fine too.

Wow, I am genuinely interested, and also surprised by responses. My partner and I always go to bed at the same time - It’s just what we have always done, and we wouldn’t change it. Didn’t realise it was so controversial.

I don't think it's at all controversial if you're both happy with it and want to sleep at approximately the same time anyway. It becomes controversial when one adult is dictating the sleep schedule for another adult. I sometimes sleep early, sometimes late. DH is the same. Neither of us would respond well to pressure or nagging.

Feeling obliged to go to bed before I was ready would kill any intimacy or closeness immediately!

I agree with the majority here that I know very few couples who go to bed at the same time. I like to wait until I'm properly tired, and I like the silence of the house for an hour or so on my own last thing at night.

We talk during the evening and I always give dh a cuddle before he goes up to bed. There has never been any expectation from either of us that we should go to bed at the same time. It's just never been a thing for us. If he asked me to go to bed at the same time as him twice in a week it would feel really suffocating. But he wouldn't, so that's ok.

Sorry but I think you are being massively unreasonable!

My DP and I go to bed at different times, I get tired earlier so go to bed earlier and he stays up late. Unless going for sex I don't really see it as "bonding time" when we're both just going to sleep. Why would your partner go to bed to lie awake just so he can be next to you when you fall asleep?

@pinktophat

Surprised at the answers too. I'm divorced. I think of us never going to bed at the same time as one of the reasons we are divorced. It causes detachment over a long period. I now think of it as something significant, having lived through that.

It might have caused detachment for you, but I think it's a bit wild to suggest it does for everyone. Please don't generalise.

I would find that suffocating and I think at the moment when it is difficult to get any personal space no one should be imposing bedtimes on their partners. It is not endearing but comes across as you telling him he should go to bed at the same time as you. That is controlling and suffocating. Why not find a time to bond earlier in the evening by having a cup of tea and a chat or a cuddle or whatever? At the moment many of us are spending 24/7 with partners so getting some alone time is important too.

@dishydishemup I'm the same. I sleep very badly even when I'm on my own, I'm in a LDR and usually (pre Covid) I see him for a week once a month. As well as being super clumsy and noisy, he snores like nothing on Earth. Once I'm asleep it doesn't take much to wake me up...when he was coming in after I'd gone to bed - and I'm talking at 3am - I'd either have not been able to get to sleep or I'd automatically wake up, usually because he'd turn the bloody bedroom light on! Trying to get back to sleep listening to his deafening snoring was making me murderous.

After a couple of months of this I sat him down and said I wasn't prepared to spend a week each month getting by on 3 or 4 hours sleep a night. I do take prescription sleeping tablets, but my doctor is not prepared to prescribe more than a week's worth every 3 months or so...and I'm not prepared to have to use them all the time, either. He had a choice - either find somewhere else to stay when he comes to see me, or come to bed at the same time so I had a chance of getting to sleep before the snoring started. He picked having the same bedtime and it's been that way since.

Yes, I was controlling - my right to have a decent night's sleep. He was the one causing the problem, so he was the one who need to change his behaviour to solve it.

My DH and I use to have very different sleeping habits. He liked to stay up late and sleep late. I was the opposite. I used to get up at 3am and find him asleep on the sofa and ask him to come to bed. I wasn't getting up - just wondering where he was!
Over the years our lives have changed, children, jobs and our habits have changed. Now we tend to go to bed at the same time and wake at the same time.
Sometimes my DH likes to stay up later to watch a scary movie or to game (I don't like either) and I enjoy having the bed to myself on those occasions.
We do say to each other "shall we go to bed?" Or "what would you like to do this evening?" Maybe you can ask the same question in a different way?
There's bound to be a compromise. Some same bedtimes, some late nights for your DH.

@LifeIsAnArt

Ok I'm intrigued - those couples that have entirely different schedules and hardly ever go to bed together: when do you find the time to be intimate? We have work + children during the day so hardly any time for each other.

DH goes to bed at 9pm.

I go to bed at 12am or later.

We sleep in separate rooms.

If we want to have sex we go up at his bedtime and then I leave the room when he goes to sleep. I then go and watch TV, whatever and have my time.

I’m incredibly introverted and cannot function without time to myself EVERY day. I don’t get this until my DH goes to bed, and I get irritated with him if he’s up later than say 10pm.

This works for us and we have a good relationship.

YABVVVU.

@Purplecatshopaholic

Wow, I am genuinely interested, and also surprised by responses. My partner and I always go to bed at the same time - It’s just what we have always done, and we wouldn’t change it. Didn’t realise it was so controversial.

I don't think it's controversial. We're all just different people doing different things.

My parents have been married for 50 years and always go to bed together. DH and me have been together for 25 years and always go separately. I don't think that either way of doing bedtime is wrong or better for relationships.

As the going together couples emphasise, it's great for bonding and intimacy. As the going separately couples emphasise, it's great for personal time and individual leisure pursuits. Each type of couple must then find a way to share intimacy or have me time to another schedule.

For us it even worked out great with the DC. I did the night wakings, he took over in the morning. Both of us got more sleep that way.

Oh no I couldn't stand this.
I'm usually the one to go to bed first but I like a bit of me time without DP.
I actually get a bit annoyed when he tries to go to bed at the same time..
That works for us. I'm awake when he comes to bed but it's nice to have an hour or so at night in the bed by myself.

I think it sounds weird. Sorry.

I would never suggest when my DP goes to bed. We rarely go to bed at the same time.

I do think you sound a bit needy and yes it can come across as dominating and controlling.

Maybe take time to reflect on it. Ask yourself why.