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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

524 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 13/03/2021 21:58

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

OP posts:
Twenty21 · 15/03/2021 19:45

Some really harsh and rude comments here.

YANBU. Definitely not! If you guys spend no time together during the day and he doesn’t want to be intimate at night. He clearly has some issue as in he doesn’t want to be intimate. Have you considered if there are any issues in the marriage otherwise. Even if he doesn’t want to go to bed, he doesn’t have to get so defensive about it.

I rarely ever go to to bed without my husband. I always drag him to bed with me just to lay with me and cuddle until I sleep. It’s got nothing to do with sex. If he isn’t sleepy, he gets up and does his worm after I fall asleep. Unless there are other issues in the marriage, I don’t see why any partner would get that annoyed when asked about coming to bed.

charliebear78 · 15/03/2021 19:45

During the week I like to go up to bed at about 9/9-30.
I go to read as I don't really watch much TV.
My Partner will usually tinker about in the Garage with his beloved bikes or Game until 11(ish)
At the weekend we will stay up to have a few drinks and watch a series on Netflix etc...Then go up to bed together.
The annoying thing is I can't sleep until he does come up to bed so I would hate it if he stayed up past Midnight-Thankfully He wouldn't anyway, We both like to cuddle in bed together and chat for a little while most Nights.

blackheartsgirl · 15/03/2021 19:47

Me and dp always go to bed at the same time. Occasionally I go up before he does while he finishes a programme he's watching and I must admit I do like that as its nice to relax for half an hour or so.
But usually I like the intimacy and having a cuddle and quiet chat about our day.

I'm a night owl though and he defo isn't. But I'm lucky that he will sleep straight away and I watch Netflix with headphones on next to him. It doesn't disturb him

My ex used to fall asleep on the sofa every night gaming or watching TV and come in at 2 or 3 in the morning. Wake me up and snore his head off, there was no intimacy no sex in the end. In fact he ended up buying a sofa bed and slept in the front room so he didn't have to come to get at all

I can see both sides with the op

chicken12 · 15/03/2021 19:48

I have to work shifts three weeks out of 4 we can't go to bed at same time I would be worried go down and check what he is doing

blackrimmedspecs · 15/03/2021 19:48

I'm really surprised at the responses you're getting, my partner and I always pretty much go to bed at a similar time, so we can relax together, read a bit, watch tv, or have sex... I'd miss it if we never did. It's the only time we get in a day away from the kids.

Pintsizedblondie197 · 15/03/2021 19:48

YABU. It's up to him when he goes to bed. My fiancé and I never go to bed at the same time unless on holiday. I get up for work about 3.5 hours before him as he is working from home at present and I'm not, therefore I go to bed much earlier than him. I've got used to it now, enjoy it and would struggle to get to sleep with him being in the bed now!

Lollyneenah · 15/03/2021 19:50

I agree with you OP. I like my alone time but I would feel very lonely if my dp didn't want to have pillow talk or cuddle me most nights

SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/03/2021 19:51

@mylifestory

His reaction is weird, hes obviously doing something he doesnt want you to know about. Freedom to do what? Sounds a bit dodgy to me, not that you asked ina reasonable manner bt try to find out what hes doing after youve supposedly gone to bed ....
I like to sit and just stare at wall for half an hour if I had too much interaction during the day😂 Not everyone who wants to be left alone is secretly wanking or does dodgy stuff😁
Teachertired92 · 15/03/2021 19:51

Have always gone to bed at same time, I have explained to my partner it’s my fave time of the day when we have a cuddle in bed. If one is tired before the other, we put tv on in bed

CurlyMair · 15/03/2021 19:56

I've not read through the thread and I'm undoubtedly in the minority but we go to bed at the same time.
We usually go up early around 9.30 pm but then we get up at 5am.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Angrywife · 15/03/2021 19:58

How about you go to bed at the same time as him instead of making demands on him.

Boomer84 · 15/03/2021 19:58

Some people just need that little bit of time to themselves to relax and unwind. Or maybe he’s watching porn? Either way he’s not doing anything wrong. Leave him be

Iggly · 15/03/2021 19:58

I used to want to go to bed at the same time.

Then I actually started to enjoy going to bed first and having that silence.

And actually since lockdown, I’ve loved it when DH does go to bed first and I get that silent time downstairs. Lockdown is so bloody suffocating.

BeesButterflies · 15/03/2021 19:59

@Easterbunnygettingready....I’m with you.

‘ For over 8 years me and dh have gone at the same time every night... Around 10 pm. Catch up on the day, maybe a TV show, maybe sex, just feels like togetherness for our relationship.. Obviously isn't for everyone as is apparent on this thread!’

ZooKeeper19 · 15/03/2021 20:04

@LifeIsAnArt I would be very alarmed by his reaction. Is he normally like this with you, if you suggest something to him? It is not normal.

YANBU for wanting to go to bed approx at the same time, you are not ordering him, you asked. His reaction is alarming. I'd watch out for other red flags.

We have a small flat and both WFH and we do not go to bed at the same time (or rarely) but had my husband asked me to come to bed for a chat and a cuddle (or if I asked him) we both would do that in a heartbeat and we sometimes do that anyway. It's called loving relationship. If my partner ever reacted the way you described.... well.

Hope it gets better for you.

Chailatteplease · 15/03/2021 20:08

I don’t think it’s controlling at all. Your husband and pp’s on this thread are being OTT about that.
Also don’t think you’re being unreasonable to ask for some bonding/intimacy time with your husband. Relationships need to be nurtured or they go stale. Life can’t all be about busy days and spending late nights alone every night or the relationship will suffer for it.
You do need to compromise on the time though, if he likes to stay up late can you stay up later a few nights a week? The other nights you can go earlier and leave him to stay up.
I don’t like the sound of his reaction OP. Are you having any other problems in your relationship?

CrayonInThreeBits · 15/03/2021 20:09

If he isn’t sleepy, he gets up and does his worm after I fall asleep.

Not heard it called that before.

Meowchickameowmeow · 15/03/2021 20:15

he gets up and does his worm after I fall asleep

That's the weirdest euphemism I've ever heard.

Aceh2 · 15/03/2021 20:15

I do think having quality time together as adults after the kids go to bed is important. Not every day, but frequently. Maybe you could have a conversation about how you can BOTH make that happen. The solution shouldn't be that you expect him to go to bed the same time as you, just because that's when it suits you.

Mylittlepea · 15/03/2021 20:15

Just sending you a hug OP, some people on here really are a rude bunch of tossers with their opinionated shouty responses!!!! You just wanted friendly opinions....Sad

I think your DH’s reaction was a bit defensive, and you were just asking about having some time together at the end of the day so I can see why his reaction upset you. I guess everyone’s different and has dealt with lockdown differently and need their space etc. Maybe go with it for now but try to talk again as we come out of lockdown and have a bit more freedom.

Me & DH go to bed at the same time every night, been together 23 years and we are lucky our body clocks are similar. Sometimes read, chat, watch something on the iPad, kiss/cuddle/sex whatever we feel like. If we went to bed separately frequently it’d feel like flatmates to me....

Good luck x

Bertiebiscuit · 15/03/2021 20:15

I think his reaction was problematic - he sounds very defensive about this - hard to see why he reacted this way - do you suspect him of watching porn or doing something online that he knows you won't like???? I'd want to have a calm sensible discussion with him as its obviously upset you - marriage counselling??

MidsummersNightie · 15/03/2021 20:16

I rarely ever go to to bed without my husband. I always drag him to bed with me just to lay with me and cuddle until I sleep. It’s got nothing to do with sex. If he isn’t sleepy, he gets up and does his worm after I fall asleep

Crikey! Surely that's something a child might do!

Cakeandcoffeea · 15/03/2021 20:23

My OH has always gone to bed very late and I go up before 10. When we first met I would stay up late the night I sor him and be so exhausted the next day because it’s just not me. 4 years and a baby later and he still comes to bed late, that’s just him. I would never dream of asking him to come up earlier: that’s his time and to be honest I like the bed to myself for the time he’s watching tv 🤣 if you want more time then stay up with him

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 15/03/2021 20:24

@Chailatteplease @ZooKeeper19

Thanks both.

Yes I suppose this is part of a wider problem as our relationship suffered after having young children. It's been hard to find time for each other sometimes as we're both busy and under stress from work, alongside being tired out from childcare. I also find that being postpartum x2 has really affected my sex drive and I like being intimate but not having sex. Which partly explains why partner isn't so into similar bedtimes - he thinks there won't be any sex so pointless.

So I guess he's unhappy with me for the lack of sex, while I think that intimacy is still important even without the sex - I need the intimacy in order to want sex, if that makes sense. We've spoken about this before and tried to make things work, and it did work for a while, but the problem seems to be coming back. But I guess needs this a whole other thread.

OP posts:
Chailatteplease · 15/03/2021 20:26

Wow some of the posters on here are so ridiculous and hysterical 🙄
OP wasn’t demanding anything! She asked her husband to go to bed with her at the same time a few nights a week. Ffs 🤦‍♀️

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