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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

524 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 13/03/2021 21:58

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

OP posts:
DancingQueen85 · 15/03/2021 18:36

Some harsh responses here. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It irritates me hugely when my husband comes to bed after me, as he always wakes me up by crashing around. Sleep is precious when you have young children and I don't want mine to be disturbed any more than it already is

Smileyk · 15/03/2021 18:40

No chance, completely unreasonable. Different people need different amounts of sleep. Dh goes to bed about 9, I don't go until 10 at the absolute earliest. No way would I go at the same time as him. Same as I wouldn't get up at the same time (I'm up hours before him).

museumsandgalleries666 · 15/03/2021 18:44

I find it frustrating that DH comes to bed later than me because it's quite disruptive if he comes up while I'm already asleep, bedroom door, bathroom, lights, clothes, pills, plumping pillows, plonking onto the mattress, throat clearing etc etc and bloody wakes me up when I have trouble getting a decent night's sleep as it is!

23PissOffAvenueWF · 15/03/2021 18:50

OK, so it’s becoming quite clear that most of the people who go to bed together, go to watch TV or a tablet.

We don’t have a TV in the bedroom (and never will), and don’t watch a tablet in bed either.

So most people aren’t really ‘snuggling’ ‘bonding’ and ‘chatting’. They’re just boring old watching TV!

23PissOffAvenueWF · 15/03/2021 18:52

@museumsandgalleries666

I find it frustrating that DH comes to bed later than me because it's quite disruptive if he comes up while I'm already asleep, bedroom door, bathroom, lights, clothes, pills, plumping pillows, plonking onto the mattress, throat clearing etc etc and bloody wakes me up when I have trouble getting a decent night's sleep as it is!
And when you say, ‘could you please come to bed quietly, so as not to disturb me?’ what does he say?

My DH rarely, if ever, wakes me, if I’ve gone to bed before him.

AlexaShutUp · 15/03/2021 18:56

All the people saying that they don't like sleeping at different times because their partner wakes them by crashing around...you need separate bedrooms! But I expect that's against the coupledom rules as well...Wink

23PissOffAvenueWF · 15/03/2021 18:57

...or vaguely considerate DHs...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/03/2021 18:57

Adult bonding time. Excuse me while I throw up. Is that the new phase for have a shag, fuck, a bit of the other, play hide the sausage. WinkGrin
Lighthearted before anyone comes for me

Okbussitout · 15/03/2021 19:01

@23PissOffAvenueWF

OK, so it’s becoming quite clear that most of the people who go to bed together, go to watch TV or a tablet.

We don’t have a TV in the bedroom (and never will), and don’t watch a tablet in bed either.

So most people aren’t really ‘snuggling’ ‘bonding’ and ‘chatting’. They’re just boring old watching TV!

We go to bed together and don't have a TV in the bedroom
DancingQueen85 · 15/03/2021 19:01

I wouldn't say he's completely inconsiderate but I'm a light sleeper and he needs to have the light on his torch on so he can see. Also it is inevitable that a certain amount of noise is made. One of my DC has decided to start sleeping in our spare room so separate bedrooms aren't an option unfortunately!

Birdcloud · 15/03/2021 19:03

Are you anxious generally? I used to do this when I was unsure about my husband’s feelings. Some years later we have a good system DH likes to go to bed earlyish and spend a hour or so reading or playing games on his phone. I follow up at 11 ish and we both read until we’re tired. Try and work out why you are so needy . All that said, his response was completely out of order... unless you’re always doing it!

cutebutscary · 15/03/2021 19:08

I stay up much later than my husband . I totally treasure this time alone and can read in peace , watch my tv shows and generally unwind .
I would resent my husband if he tried to stop me having this small pleasure to myself . It's lovely you want to spend the extra time with him tho , but I think he would enjoy the time he's with you more if he gets his alone time too x

threatmatrix · 15/03/2021 19:13

How would you feel if he demanded you stay up with him. Leave him alone.

MidsummersNightie · 15/03/2021 19:14

We watch tv in bed and have a cuddle then I put my ear plugs in and go to sleep whilst he watches more tv

See, I couldn't tolerate all the noise and flashing screen if I was trying to sleep. If my husband wants to watch something on TV he would watch it downstairs - as would I.

Ihatefish · 15/03/2021 19:20

Good God no wonder he finds it suffocating, maybe he needs space to just be by himself. I deliberately differ in bed time to DH for this very reason and get up at different times. Happy to go to bed at same time if we are going to bed for sex (even then it makes me sleepy after and DH wide awake so after a cuddle he will often get back up again. We’re married not co-joined twins

Ihatefish · 15/03/2021 19:25

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Adult bonding time. Excuse me while I throw up. Is that the new phase for have a shag, fuck, a bit of the other, play hide the sausage. WinkGrin Lighthearted before anyone comes for me
I was hoping it was a bit of adult bondage time and people were chaining their husbands to the bed for a good spanking (or vice versa) I was disappointed by people watching tv.

Bet more people would be willing to have corresponding bedtimes if it was the former😂.

Mittens030869 · 15/03/2021 19:26

We’re having a lot of difficulty with our DD1 (12 this month), who very rarely goes to sleep before midnight (that’s a whole other thread, she’s adopted and has SEN). So by the time she’s asleep we’re both shattered.

In the days when we had a choice as to when to go to bed, I could never go to bed as early as my DH, as he was ready to sleep at 11pm whilst I couldn’t settle down to sleep before 12:30. I used to suffer from horrendous insomnia, so it would have really stressed me out if my DH had tried to pressure me into going to bed earlier.

foxhat · 15/03/2021 19:26

I thought this must be a reverse as I can't see it as anything other than controlling and offensive to expect an adult to go to bed when they're not tired or not ready for no clear good reason. If you want to suggest sex, then do but I think this is a really disrespectful request and I'm not surprised your OH was not best pleased.

Livelovebehappy · 15/03/2021 19:28

What if he turns round and suggests you go to bed at the same time as him? Ie midnight? Why should it only work on your terms and not his?

linsey2581 · 15/03/2021 19:31

I managed to train my husband to do this and he hasn’t even realised 😂 I’m a bit of an early riser so come 9pm I’m knackered so I’m normally in bed at 10pm much to the rolling eyes of hubby but after nearly 20 years together I’ve cracked it! We got a dog 8 years ago and he sleeps in the living room so the dog always gets his last pee at around 9.50pm before I go to bed (dog goes in garden as the nights are too dark to be out walking). And so for the past year I’ve noticed that hubby at 9.50pm says it’s time to put the dog out or do you want to put the dog out and I’ll make a cup of tea to take upstairs. It’s fab we go to bed at roughly the same time, we have a tv in our room so I normally fall asleep and he watches the telly. My suggestion get a dog 😂

MidsummersNightie · 15/03/2021 19:35

I am just curious how big difference the screens do here, not being shotty or anything
Yes, a pp has also mentioned this. The vast majority who go to bed at the same time seem to be going to watch telly. We don't have (or want) a TV in the bedroom. And we almost never go to bed at the same time.

LaraLondon1 · 15/03/2021 19:37

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in your request to him. I think his response is a tad rude . You clearly care about ur relationship and trying to bond and just got upset about his reply .
You’ve had a lot of tough love replies here , don’t know why folk have chosen to view this as controlling 🤷‍♀️

mylifestory · 15/03/2021 19:42

His reaction is weird, hes obviously doing something he doesnt want you to know about. Freedom to do what? Sounds a bit dodgy to me, not that you asked ina reasonable manner bt try to find out what hes doing after youve supposedly gone to bed ....

Tiredwiththeshits · 15/03/2021 19:43

I disagree (not uncommonly) with the majority on here. I think it’s great to go to bed together. I would ponder what on earth you’d be up doing at that time anyway? What’s to be so defensive about he seems pretty harsh about pushing you back.
Assuming he’s having some man time which I’m all for, but his defensiveness would make me question what he’s doing.

Luddite26 · 15/03/2021 19:45

I feel pretty shocked by the responses. I thought it was pretty normal to go to bed at the same time generally. Even when we do sleepi-ns at work we go to sleep at the same time after facetiming in bed lol.

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