To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

I don't think it's unreasonable but then we always go to bed together, unless there's a Nightshift on at work. There's not a great deal of time for intimacy between juggling work, kids and chores. Bed time is the only time we're guaranteed to be uninterrupted. There's nothing quite like snuggling up together at the end of the day.

No sorry but its definitely not weird or controlling to want to feel close to your partner!! Me and dh have been married 14 yes and have go e to bed every night the same time as each other just so we can cuddle and be close in bed sometimes maybe have a giggle be twats whatever it just gives you that human contact and closeness! It's really weird your husband is behaving in such an off irritable way at you just merely asking!! I mean I totally get if he feels stressed would like to just unwind in his own thoughts for a little bit fine but theres no need to get shirty over you asking! He's really blowing shit out of proportion there I'd say

I very rarely go up the same time as my partner. I like the time to myself . To watch my recorded TV programs in peace . Bliss 😊

Years not yes bloody autocorrect

gone not go e

You can't tell him what time to go to bed.

If you insist on going at the same time, stay up with him.

@Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady

Ahhh classic mumsnet

OP: Aibu?!

Majority: Yep!

Massive minority: No! Your husband is clearly a wanker!!

OP: Thank you! I knew I was right

Always the case

@WizardOfAus this definitely that's what I meant! It's just talking about crap or life or whatever while cuddling being close and so relaxed brings closeness!

YABU. He's a grown man.

It's very rare that we go to bed at different times, but we like to cuddle before we go to sleep.

But when we do go to bed at different times I wouldn't dream of asking what time he is coming to bed.

If I'm heading up to bed I always ask if DH is coming up because I want to know whether I might as well leave the light on or not. If he is up gaming I will even suggest that he sleeps on the sofa bed as being disturbed after a few hours sleep leaves me exhausted in the morning even if it was only a few minutes. It's not controlling, it's making sure I have adequate sleep.

We mostly go to bed around the same time though as we get up at the same time in the morning for DD going to school etc. We get some time to unwind and relax (lying in bed relaxing is far superior to sitting in the living room cos you can just drop off to sleep instead of having to then go to bed) and have a nice cuddle.

His response is excessive. Whats he hiding? I go to bed later than dh but he wouldnt get that response. Is he doing something he ought not to and you are perhaps stopping that? Especially as he is doing some nights almost to smokebomb you?
Just my thoughts obvs

We always try to go to bed at the same time unless one of us is sick or out. But that works for us as we have similar sleep habits. I agree it’s great for the relationship as it’s a time you talk about stuff with no distractions. If you used to always go to bed together I can see why you’d like to reinstate it, but if it’s a new idea and you never have, I don’t think from his reaction it’s going to happen. And it’s his reaction that’s the problem really, your partner suggesting something fairly normal shouldn’t have them aggressively telling you that you are controlling (unless there’s more of a backstory)

DH and I have been together 8 years, married for almost 5

I think I could count on both hands the amount of times we've gone to bed separately. Almost every night we go upto bed together - even if we just sit in bed and watch something on the iPad

I think it would be nice to go to bed at the same time, but it shouldn't be enforced. My bf and I tend to go to sleep at the same time unless I'm working on an early shift, on which nights I'll go to bed at 9pm which is too early for him. If I have a day off or am on a late shift I'll go up at the same time as my bf and I love spending that time having a cuddle and then going to sleep (nothing to do with sex).

So in summary, expecting him to come to bed at the same time as you is definitely unreasonable, but wanting him to come to bed with you is not controlling or suffocating - I can see why you would want that to happen as I like it too.

Unlike many people on here, I don't think YABU. I'm a light sleeper, and my DH wakes me up when he comes up to bed after me, then I just can't get back to sleep. I think it's much nicer to go to bed at the same time. Unfortunately he rarely does. I don't think you're being controlling, you just want to feel like a team, a couple, not housemates. Not unreasonable at all.

Yeah, I'd find that suffocating to be honest. He's an adult. Seems weird that he has to go to bed at the same time as you.

While I mostly agree with what people are saying, I don't know how I would feel if I were in op's situation. S-T we go to bed together at 9 (sometimes I will stop up and watch tv he doesn't like but while wfh I can catch up on a morning), we watch tv together until 10 and have a cuddle (I get my back stroked) then usually go to sleep at 10. Occasionally he wants to watch tv later so I try and sleep while he turns sound down, sometimes I read a book on my ipad and he sleeps.

Fri and sat he stats up late and its rare we go to bed together. I think if it was the other way round I would miss him.

I think there's nuance to this situation, it may be how you're asking him (from your comments doesn't sound like it) but I don't think YABU at all.
In his defence, everyone is super on edge at the moment because of this ongoing bloody lockdown, and as couple you don't have to go to bed at the same time all the time.
That said, some of the time it should be expected being part of a coupe, and if he's getting defensive and snapping at you, I'd say something else may be at play.
When i was with my now-ex-DP and things were going badly, I would make excuses to not go to bed at the same time as him to avoid sex because it was easier than having a row about the fact that I didn't want to sleep with someone who I felt was behaving like a twat to me (he disagreed, said i was over sensitive).
And right before we split up, the same thing happened except in reverse, and it turned out that it was because he was up texting some other woman...

I am going to disagree with others here, and go against the grain .We have been married a long while and always go to bed at the same time . It is nice to bond and chat about the days events .Nothing to do with being intimate .Also surely person in bed earlier would be woken by later partner going to bed?

Quick question.

Would people go to bed early and together still if they weren't watching anything? Just go and sleep?

I am just curious how big difference the screens do here, not being shotty or anything

Don't couples have a chat/snuggle in the living room in front of the telly?

I hate it when DP comes to bed the same time as me. I find it very hard to sleep so I need a head start. Plus it's the only part of the day I have truly to myself without anyone else wanting anything from me.

If we weren’t watching anything we would still go bed at the same time even if it was just to sleep. Usually the tv is for down stairs so we would both agree when we’re tired and go up just to sleep! Sometimes we go up to be in bed together but doing our own thing like read etc. Just being together is what makes it important. Everyone is different though. :)

@catherineofarrogance80

Don't couples have a chat/snuggle in the living room in front of the telly?

Apparently in bed is the only place couples can talk, cuddle, have sex, giggle, be silly, and 'bond'. It's obviously impossible to do those things at any other time or in any other room of the house.

What’s he doing in the time you go to bed and the time he goes to bed? YANBU