To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

We always went to bed at the same time, cuddled, sometimes that lead to sex, or we chatted, read books, checked our phones. But we always had a kiss and cuddle before going to sleep. I'd have really missed that time together at the end of the day. It was lovely. All unfortunately past tense as she passed away in July..

We go to bed at different times- he's not ready for sleep when I am and if I stay up late I get run down quickly.

Plus he likes a wank before bed and I am absolutely not up for sex after 8pm.

OP, I'm totally with you. I like to be in bed ready to turn the light off by 10.30, ideally earlier. Bit of a cuddle, some pillow chat about the day, time for sleep.

DH has got into a habit of watching the news and arsing about downstairs til nearer 11, then making so much noise when he comes up that I would have been woken up if I'd managed to get to sleep by then. There've been a couple of times recently when I've been so tired that I've turned the light off before he comes up and he's then been weirdly miffed about it.

When mine was doing this, coming to bed later he was enjoying porn, sex on webcam and more.

Now ex H.

Unfortunately, it sounds like this is one of those issues where there’s a basic incompatibility, and it’s difficult to reach a compromise.

You want him to do something he doesn’t particularly want to do. Neither of you are being especially unreasonable, but for one of you to acquiesce to the other’s wishes, it means the other feeling put out and resentful.

Not ideal.

I would not want to be told when to go to bed, and I’m the earlier sleeper in our house.

There’s no point dragging DH up with you, if it’s going to annoy him - that’s the complete opposite of the intimacy you’re trying to initiate. I know you said you don’t want to do that. You want him to want to come up at the same time. But that’s not going to happen.

Not entirely sure what the solution is. It’s all a lot easier - obviously - if couples are aligned on things like this.

@InFiveMins

You sound really annoying OP.

He doesn't want to go to bed at the same time as you, it's quite clear. He's an adult and has made that decision - accept it and move on.

Thanks, just what I needed to hear on Mother's Day

@23PissOffAvenueWF

Unfortunately, it sounds like this is one of those issues where there’s a basic incompatibility, and it’s difficult to reach a compromise.

You want him to do something he doesn’t particularly want to do. Neither of you are being especially unreasonable, but for one of you to acquiesce to the other’s wishes, it means the other feeling put out and resentful.

Not ideal.

I would not want to be told when to go to bed, and I’m the earlier sleeper in our house.

There’s no point dragging DH up with you, if it’s going to annoy him - that’s the complete opposite of the intimacy you’re trying to initiate. I know you said you don’t want to do that. You want him to want to come up at the same time. But that’s not going to happen.

Not entirely sure what the solution is. It’s all a lot easier - obviously - if couples are aligned on things like this.

I'm sure some sort of compromise can be reached were we able to hold a calm conversation about this, and I probably wouldn't have posted then. But I was upset at the response I got following the suggestion

@joystir59

We always went to bed at the same time, cuddled, sometimes that lead to sex, or we chatted, read books, checked our phones. But we always had a kiss and cuddle before going to sleep. I'd have really missed that time together at the end of the day. It was lovely. All unfortunately past tense as she passed away in July..

So sorry to hear your loss 💐 sounds like a very loving relationship

@Okbussitout how is relying on going up to bed together at night and having sex spontaneous? Some people are acting like if you don’t go to bed at the same time you’re living separate lives! It’s ok to have half an hour where you don’t spend time together. Especially if only one person actually wants it. And some couples don’t value that time but value each other very much. Very narrow minded.

Incredibly strange, your DP is an adult and as such can go to bed when they choose. Me and OH actually have separate bedrooms, he is an incredibly bad sleeper, moves, snores, talks wakes up early and is very much a morning person. Also can't sleep with heating on. I star fish and go to bed later than him, I need multiple alarms to wake up in the morning (he'd be awake and stay awake from the 1st alarm) and I like to sleep with heating on. I couldn't imagine home telling me when to go to bed.

Him not home

OP I’m sorry you don’t sound like you’re trying to be controlling I know that you just want to spend time in bed with him but if he doesn’t like doing that then he shouldn’t have to. Maybe doing it sometimes because it’s nice to be nice and maybe sometimes you could wait up for him too. But it was the fact you’d said you want him to come up with you more nights than not so effectively at least four nights a week you want him to spend his evenings doing what you want him to do. And the not falling asleep thing was a general point because to be honest I’m really offended that people are looking down on peoples relationships if they dare to have different bedtimes. I’m plenty close to my husband. In fact for an entire year now I’ve spent almost every waking minute with him aside from bedtime. Can’t remember our last argument. We’re affectionate, loving and best friends. But it’s made out that couples like us are odd or something. Whereas on the other side of the argument I can’t see anyone say there is anything wrong with sharing a bedtime - as long as both want that and it’s not just giving in to one partners needs every night!

Shocked at other people’s responses tbh. Me a d partner have busy lives and young kids and can’t wait to climb into bed together and watch telly. It’s the only time we really get in the week. Neither are forced to we just do it because we want to!

I always go to bed later then my hubby as he’s got to be asleep by 10 or he can’t cope. I’m lucky if I’m in bed before midnight. I will go to bed occasionally to watch tv with him and when he wants to sleep I’ll read.
But I do think your husbands reaction is very OTT and would make me think he was hiding something.

I don't really understand all the comments that you're being unreasonable. I don't think it's strange at all to go bed at the same time.

Me and my DH do pretty much every night unless I've decided to go up early as I'm exhausted, or sometimes the other way round. Sometimes he'll read in bed whilst I'm drifting off, but we're still there together.

That being said, I don't think it should be a "rule" that he has to go bed at a set time. I would wonder what he's doing and why he got so defensive though, as it seems a very strange reaction to me.

Perhaps you could try suggesting that a few times a week you head up together as a compromise? Or maybe try sitting up with him and suggest watching a film together?

But ultimately no, I don't think you're being reasonable and think his reaction is the unreasonable thing.

I'd prefer to go to bed at the same time as DH. He often stays up late, and when he does so, it wakes me up getting into bed, etc. It OK to to do that from time to time, but doing it regularly makes me really tired (and I typically have early start in the morning with commute).

In summary, if he is staying up late then best go to the spare room (and that same rule applies for me)

One tjing I spotted on this thread is that many people who go at same time wtach stuff so have tablets/tv in bedroom.
I think that makes massive difference tbh, at least it looks like on this thread. We never had tv in bedroom nor have we ever watched stuff on tablet there. Only thing like that was reading to wind down.

Sorry if something similar has been suggested already. I'm in the same situation, my husband tends to go to bed later than me, I'm also breastfeeding like you so I am up several times in the night and need more sleep. Like you, I found myself missing the chats and cuddles, it is different to sitting on the sofa. My husband felt the same so a couple to times a week he comes upstairs when I'm going to bed and we have a cuddle and a chat for 10-15 mins in bed and then he goes back downstairs. We joke that he's putting me to bed like we do with the kids!
I understand that your concern is partly his reaction. Perhaps he has misunderstood your motivation, it's not that you're asking him to go to sleep when he's not ready but that you like spending time together in this way. Perhaps suggesting something like the above would help him see your perspective.

YABU. Why don't you stay up as late as him and both go at the same time? Or compromise? You're just as selfish as he is.

I love going to bed earlier then my husband! I wouldn't dream of dictating when he goes to bed

My partner and I are in bed at the same time every night! We always have been and we have been together 16years this year. I can see how it may be suffocating to some but for us it’s the closeness. We watch the in bed together. We get up together. I think it just Varys person to person. Some people will think that they have no space some will really enjoy being together.

Personally if he wasn’t coming to bed at the same time as me I’d stay up with him or cuddle on sofa and fall to sleep next to him. Maybe try staying up on his time. I bet you’ll find he starts coming up with you or maybe suggest watching something in bed together. I don’t think you’re being reasonable or unreasonable. You just need to find a balance that suits you both.

I’m with you in this one OP.
We have always gone to bed together and wouldn’t dream of not doing so.
For us it’s not weird, everyone is different.
If my DH wanted to not come to bed with me at the same time I would think there’s something he isn’t telling or sharing with me, but that’s because it’s the norm for us.
I wouldn’t say it’s controlling to want to go to bed together, it is bonding time, closeness, snuggles and time to have a little chat before sleep.
I would wonder why he didn’t want to.

I like going to bed at the same time as my partner but there has to be compromise from both sides and I would never dream of demanding when he went to bed.

For example if one of us is unwell/had a particularly busy week and are tired earlier then we’ll go to bed together whilst the other reads/goes on phone/watches something. However sometimes we don’t do this and if one of us is tired sat on the sofa at weekends then we might snooze because it’s ‘too early’ to go to bed. I wouldn’t constant expect him to cater to me and my tiredness.

I think it's a bit weird to pressurise him about this - after the first year or so of a relationship when you want to go to bed at the same time for obvious reasons, then people should go when they want! It so happens that we go to bed usually at the same time, I might go up first and have a bit of a read, then DH comes up and we have a giggle and a kiss before nodding off. 'Bonding' tends to take place on weekend mornings when we are well rested and are not in a rush to get out of bed to work!

You’ll be pleased to know that Marriage therapists and psychologists are on your side, OP. Studies have shown that going to bed at the same time (at least a few times a week) strengthens a relationship. An excerpt from an article below.

There are many ways to make your relationship bulletproof, such as showing gratitude to each other, going on regular date nights, and constantly surprising each other. However, one of the easiest, yet most effective habits is to go to bed together and have a generous amount of time to connect before you sleep. Even if it means you can only do this a few times per week, you should do it.

For many couples, the time before going to sleep feels the most precious, as it is crucial for cuddling, for talking about life or the kids. According to research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, during this time, most people felt incredibly relaxed and nurtured as it stimulates feelings of comfort, satisfaction, love, bonding, appreciation, and happiness.

The healthier habits you can cultivate with your spouse, the greater the chance you’ll have of forming a thriving, successful relationship. One key habit is to go to bed together at least a few times a week, with plenty of time to connect before falling asleep.

www.sleepbubble.com/couples-go-to-bed-at-same-time/