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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

524 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 13/03/2021 21:58

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 14/03/2021 11:00

@Okbussitout

I also can't help wondering if the pp's responding very harshly are lacking connection in their own relationships, so have decided these very sep lives are a good thing?
Not being told my my DH that I should go to bed with him is not leading separate lives for heaven's sake.
Okbussitout · 14/03/2021 11:04

@fellrunner85

My ILs go to bed together; same time every night. And it's really depressing to watch. When we're staying over there (pre-Covid!), the minute the 10 o clock news finishes, FIL is on his feet saying "off to bed then!" MIL will often want to stay up later with us, chatting or catching up, but if she does, he gets all wounded and whingy about it. So instead she follows him up to bed, obediently, often rolling her eyes behind his back.

I'm also a bit Hmm at the number of people equating going to bed together with "intimacy" or "cuddles" or "winding down time." The latter can be done on the sofa while reading or watching tv or chatting. And if by "intimacy" people actually mean sex, then it's pretty unimaginative to just think that's something done at bedtime, in bed, right?

Sound like your projecting based on your in laws controlling relationship. But of a jump?! While also throwing in a dose of how boring all the people are who have a shared bed time. It's a bit sad to assume intimacy means sex too. I also did say in a pp that of course sex happens outside the bedroom. But as a child fee person I find it hard to believe you're all shagging on the living room with the risk of being disturbed by your kids.

People do different things. What I don't get is why the people who don't have a shared bedtime are so annoyed at the people who do. It's just oddly protective and aggressive. While trying to make out how cool and independent you are with your non bedroom sex and lashings of intimacy.

All op wants is some shared time in bed with her life partner. I personally don't think that's so odd.

Okbussitout · 14/03/2021 11:06

@LaceyBetty if you read the pp's actually many people are talking about how independent that are of their partners that's what I'm referring to. But yeah read into it what you want.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/03/2021 11:08

Well nothing si stopping people to stay awake and go to bed with their partner later, does it.

It's like with dinner. If one is hungry, but the other one isn't just yet, we just wait a bit, rather than forcing the non hugry person into a meal.

Meowchickameowmeow · 14/03/2021 11:11

I like to go to bed earlier than my other half, I want to read in peace for at least half an hour before he comes up.
I'd find it very weird if he insisted I stay up so we could go to bed at the same time. We still cuddle and have sex, those things aren't dependant on a joint bedtime.

SwatchIt · 14/03/2021 11:22

@LifeIsAnArt

Ok I'm intrigued - those couples that have entirely different schedules and hardly ever go to bed together: when do you find the time to be intimate? We have work + children during the day so hardly any time for each other.
I can top that, we also sleep in separate beds 😂

We’re mid 30s, have children, always tend to have different bedtimes. Mainly because we are adults and make our own decisions 🤷🏻‍♀️

We also mostly ignore each other I’m the evenings watching our own stuff.

We had amazing sex last night, we usually pay a visit to the others bedroom, last night I paid the visit...ding ding!

Honestly I would find it controlling if my DH insisted we went to bed at the same time. It’s weird that you do that.

I’m pretty sure you’d both be a lot happier if you chilled out about it.

PatriciaBateman · 14/03/2021 11:24

A lot of your posts seem focused on the goal of maximising time spent together - with each other and as a family. Most people will want time together, but not necessarily to maximise it. You might just be more of a "people-person"/extravert than he is.

Maximising time with others (even loved ones) is definitely not everyone's agenda, and a hefty percentage of people need time alone to recharge and reset.

I'm one of those people, and like your DH, I often have to stay up late by myself in order to achieve this down-time, because there is no other time of the day I can get any space.

I would also describe it as "suffocating" if DH tried to force me to give up this time to spend yet more time with him (I give him as much as I can while maintaining my own needs).

This sentence:
"Must say I was a bit annoyed today as due to him staying up late last night he did take a 2.5 hr nap during the day today when it would've been nice to have some family time."

This shows an assumption that what is "nice" for you is what he should prioritise, to the extent that you feel annoyed about him making other choices - this does come across as controlling.

ChristmasFluff · 14/03/2021 11:26

My opinion on this is really clouded by the fact that the only person who insisted I go to bed at the same time as them was the abusive ex. It seems such a strange thing to want to happen - people get tired when they get tired.

Is he snapping because he has an anger problem, or because this is the final straw to a person who is being controlled in lots of other ways?

LindaEllen · 14/03/2021 11:32

My DP and I always go to bed at the same time, but he likes going to sleep later than me, so more often than not he'll take the iPad up with him and watch something, or play a game, or do a bit of research into our business.

I would not, however, expect him to go to sleep at the same time as me, nor even come to bed if he didn't have the iPad to keep him occupied.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/03/2021 13:53

Unless I’m really missing something, this is not pleasant, and for me would be the bone of contention. My DH always wants to stay up later, but the way he phrases it reminds me of a teenager who thinks they’re missing out by going to bed early, but we try and do a mix of what suits us both.

Maybe he feels like a nagged teenager? Assuming he's an adult, if he wants to stay up later then he can stay up later - you don't need somebody else's permission to do so.

Even outside of a marriage/partner context, you also still get a lot of people who will disapprove and criticise night-shift workers for being asleep in the day time - just because they have never worked a night shift and believe day-time sleeping to simply be categorically 'wrong'.

The way some people are talking on here about not wanting to live 'separate lives' by fulfilling basic functions at a time to suit your individual circumstances, I'm starting to wonder if they also try to synchronise toilet visits too - and get cross at their DH for 'not caring', just because he doesn't need a poo at the same time you do....

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/03/2021 14:09

I'm starting to wonder if they also try to synchronise toilet visits too

This actually happened in my family unintentionally with my brother and dad😂😂😂 They were always arguing because they both get up at exactly same time to go😂

peak2021 · 14/03/2021 14:22

The issue is not the wish, but his response and use of over emotive language.

PatriciaBateman · 14/03/2021 14:47

The expressed wish being expected to override my wishes, followed by annoyance with perceived non-compliance certainly would be an issue for me.

I agree his response was over-heightened and not ideal, but definitely don't read it as the biggest issue.

tigger001 · 14/03/2021 14:47

We love going to bed at the same time as its our little wind down time together.

I havent read all the way through so sorry, but if you dont get much time together surely a couple of times a week he would want to be with you.

partyatthepalace · 14/03/2021 14:50

I understand that you’d like it, but you don’t have a right to demand it of him - it’s up to him. It may be late evening is his time to himself. Can you find other times of day to be together?

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 14/03/2021 15:20

Wow. I don't get how my asking for the possibility of having more synchronized bedtimes and initiating an adult conversation can be equated to some people's abusive exes forcing them to always sleep together.

Also amazed at how so many see this as "policing" - did I mention that I ever made him go to bed at a particular time? No, so why the assumption? Clearly many people simply jump to conclusions and like to make accusations, just because it's a request that they never thought of making.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 14/03/2021 15:26

@PatriciaBateman

A lot of your posts seem focused on the goal of maximising time spent together - with each other and as a family. Most people will want time together, but not necessarily to maximise it. You might just be more of a "people-person"/extravert than he is.

Maximising time with others (even loved ones) is definitely not everyone's agenda, and a hefty percentage of people need time alone to recharge and reset.

I'm one of those people, and like your DH, I often have to stay up late by myself in order to achieve this down-time, because there is no other time of the day I can get any space.

I would also describe it as "suffocating" if DH tried to force me to give up this time to spend yet more time with him (I give him as much as I can while maintaining my own needs).

This sentence:
"Must say I was a bit annoyed today as due to him staying up late last night he did take a 2.5 hr nap during the day today when it would've been nice to have some family time."

This shows an assumption that what is "nice" for you is what he should prioritise, to the extent that you feel annoyed about him making other choices - this does come across as controlling.

Think you have a point in that we're quite different people - I like the company and perhaps he needs more alone time. In no way though am I saying that we're always together for everything - we don't see each other during the day as we're at work, and quite a bit of home time is taken up by childcare/ housework. Quite often we have to work in the evenings too, so it's not like we can always just lounge on the sofa, though we're hoping to make more time for this.

Re. the long nap. It wouldn't be an issue at all if it's just the two of us, but with young children and the fact that I'm up earlier with breastfeeds, I would prefer to get some down time too.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/03/2021 15:26

If you want to go to bed together, nothing is stopping you to wait for him being ready

Lacucuracha · 14/03/2021 15:31

YANBU, I sleep much better when partner is in bed with me. Sometimes he gets annoyed when I tell him it’s bed time. (I’m scared of the dark due to childhood issues).

But then when I’m working late, he calls constantly for me to come to bed. When I ask him why he gets annoyed when I do it, he has no answer 🙄

PatriciaBateman · 14/03/2021 16:23

"Re. the long nap. It wouldn't be an issue at all if it's just the two of us, but with young children and the fact that I'm up earlier with breastfeeds, I would prefer to get some down time too."

I think this is completely valid, but also a completely different request.

I would respond well to my husband asking me to take over the kids for a while so he could have a turn resting (fair needs management).

I wouldn't respond well to him waking me up because he would prefer to have family time (his want trumps mine).

LemonPeonies · 14/03/2021 16:31

Yeah there's nothing "endearing " about being dictated to around your bedtime. My ex used to do that, along with forcing me out of bed early on my days off. Ugh

PatriciaBateman · 14/03/2021 16:32

Not saying you did wake him up btw.

But you should if you aren't getting your own rest in return! Early baby days are really hard, and I'm not surprised you want to feel a bit more supported - but it's got to be a way that works for both of you... and the more different you are, the harder this is! (my own marriage has involved a LOT of compromise)

InFiveMins · 14/03/2021 16:37

You sound really annoying OP.

He doesn't want to go to bed at the same time as you, it's quite clear. He's an adult and has made that decision - accept it and move on.

blowinahoolie · 14/03/2021 16:43

I very occasionally ask DH to come to bed early but realise we are both different and settle at different times of the night.

I sympathise, but appreciate that DH likes to play CyberPunk on the PS4 at night which just doesn't interest me. Not my bag🤷 we have different interests.

A compromise would be to have one night a week you stay up with him downstairs and spend quality time together then, and then one night he goes to bed with you early?

BessMarvin · 14/03/2021 19:05

@InFiveMins

You sound really annoying OP.

He doesn't want to go to bed at the same time as you, it's quite clear. He's an adult and has made that decision - accept it and move on.

She asked him about the possibility of something and he overreacted and from that you say she sounds really annoying?

Fuck's sake.

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