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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider this not a present?

134 replies

Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 08:20

My DP is clumsy - but also careless with other peoples stuff. It has got to the point I hate him borrowing things from other people because something always goes wrong.

I had some new white converse around November last year, we were sat in the garden and he had a glass of red wine on the floor between our feet. I suggested he put it on the table more than once because I know what always happens and he told me not to nag because he knows it’s there so is being careful. He managed to kick it over and it went over my shoes and ruined them. For Christmas my only present was him replacing them.

I’ve asked him repeatedly over the years not to wash my clothes because he just shoves anything in without checking, I have my own washing basket so that my clothes don’t get mixed in with his. A couple of weeks ago he didn’t have a full wash load so decided to help me out by putting my stuff in with his. He put all of my whites in with his new jeans and they’ve gone an awful colour, he can’t see why I’m annoyed because he was trying to help.

It’s my birthday tomorrow but we’ve got a nice day planned today instead as he has work tomorrow. For my birthday he has replaced 2 T-shirt’s with exact replicas. I know I’m probably being ungrateful but it just feels crap, he’s not really thought about it because he has just copied what I got myself and I still have less clothes than I had a couple of weeks ago.

I feel really guilty for being disappointed.

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/03/2021 08:22

Those aren't presents, they're replacements for things of yours he's ruined through his thoughtlessness.

I don't know why you feel guilty. He sounds like a twat (and stingy too).

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2021 08:24

They’re not presents, he should be replacing anything he damages anyway and then also buying you something.

purplemunkey · 13/03/2021 08:24

That would drive me mad. I think I’d have to say something like ‘Thanks for replacing the T-shirts you ruined. Where’s my actual present?’. Or just tell him straight out that’s not good enough.

BonnieDundee · 13/03/2021 08:26

are you sure it's an accident because if you repeatedly ask someone not to do something and they keep on doing it regardless, it sounds more like he wants to upset you Sad

NormanStangerson · 13/03/2021 08:26

You feel free to be disappointed, he’s been absolutely shit. He’s broken/damaged your things through his own lazy ineptitude and you shouldn’t have to pretend to be delighted to get replacements as presents. You should still have your original things in the first place. Sad

DinosaurDiana · 13/03/2021 08:26

My DH is the same with washing, he just wasn’t prepared to learn so I asked him not to do the washing. But he does, and he tumbles my period knickers 😡😡😡
Regarding the ‘presents’ - no they’re not, they’re replacements. He needs to buy you more.
You have to ask yourself if you want a lifetime of this, or if you’re happy to live with it. Minor irritations can turn into resentment.

Magicpaintbrush · 13/03/2021 08:29

That's not a present in any way, shape or form. I'd be making it very clear to him he has been thoughtless and hurtful. When his birthday come around buy him a box of teabags or something as a gift to replace the ones he's used up - maybe the penny will drop.

Original poster
Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 08:33

My Mum suggested doing it back to something of his to make a point but I feel like that’s nasty as it is genuine accidents.

He does see it as helping because if I’ve got all my washing done and I’m not busy I will shove a load of his in, or if I’m doing whites I might put his work shirts in too. When he washed my whites he said he changed the temp to 30 and not 40 thinking it’s wouldn’t run.

It isn’t on purpose, if you met him and saw how many times he hurts himself you would understand. He’s had stitches twice so far this year already, once from washing up and another time from tripping over thin air whilst carrying something.

OP posts:
Pokerface12 · 13/03/2021 08:36

I think I’m the opposite of most MN and a bit of a bloke. If it’s something you use or wear then I class it as a present. I quite like cleaning so honestly I wouldn’t be mad if I got some candles, cleaning products etc. I got a new dyson for a big birthday as it’s what I asked for and I was super excited 😝

I see where are coming from but I think it’s quite nice he’s thinking and replacing the items....my OH wouldn’t unless I specifically asked him too. I would maybe just add and drop into conversation that you love he is replacing the items but would also appreciate an extra present on top maybe. Can you drop hints or even better my OH likes it when I flat out ask for what I want

Thehop · 13/03/2021 08:39

There’s honestly no way I could stay with someone who keeps spoiling my things despite repeatedly being told to leave them alone,

Ahbahbahbah · 13/03/2021 08:41

Is he dyspraxic? That level of clumsiness sounds like it, I have constant small bruises and scrapes from walking into things and we don’t buy any expensive stuff as it’s so likely to be dropped/smashed.

Not saying that makes it ok, just wondering if understanding the issue would help him deal with it better.

And no those aren’t presents at all.

Original poster
Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 08:42

@Thehop it’s not a daily thing! Other than the two examples I’ve given I think there’s probably been only one other thing over the last year. As he was washing up he put a pan to dry and knocked my favourite glass and smashed it - although with this one he replaced it the same day with a much nicer and more expensive glass!

OP posts:
purplemunkey · 13/03/2021 08:42

I see where are coming from but I think it’s quite nice he’s thinking and replacing the items.

Are you joking? He should be doing this anyway, straight after ruining them. Birthday and Christmas presents are completely separate.

Original poster
Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 08:43

@Ahbahbahbah I wondered this myself. I’ve never known anybody hurt themselves so much in my life. Would a diagnosis of some sort change anything though? Or would he just know he is and life continue as normal?

OP posts:
purplemunkey · 13/03/2021 08:43

Oops, bold fail. Quoting Pokerface

Tooshytoshine · 13/03/2021 08:43

Your husband sounds like he might have DCD (developmental co-ordination disorder) or dyspraxia. It is not simply being clumsy but an inability to link action and consequence in practical tasks. My son has it and it is as infuriating as you describe, but not something he was able to manage without support and strategies. He also regularly falls over, spills stuff, cuts himself and knocks into things.

However, he should simply replace your stuff as you are already making allowances for him. With the wine glass example, you did his thinking for him - the wine glass will knock over if it is in the floor so put it on the table. His pride stopped him actually listening. And with the washing, you have said not to do your things. I would be annoyed if my dp had simply replaced ruined items as presents, like a particularly shit house insurance policy.

BonnieDundee · 13/03/2021 08:45

I see where are coming from but I think it’s quite nice he’s thinking and replacing the items.

Hmm

It isn’t on purpose, if you met him and saw how many times he hurts himself you would understand

He knows he often ruins your stuff and knows you dont want him to do it but he carries on doing it anyway. That doesnt sound kind at all

Tangogolf55 · 13/03/2021 08:45

If you know you have these as gifts, take them now and wear one and ask where your birthday present is. And break something of his as he’s a selfish prick.

Easterbunnygettingready · 13/03/2021 08:45

Sounds like it's not just clothes that need replaced...

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 13/03/2021 08:46

It does sound like dyspraxia. But there's no excuse when you've put strategies in place like with the washing. I'd be fuming he just ignored the fact not to touch your washing anyway.

And yes, they aren't presents. I would be asking him where your actual presents are.

Time for a chat.

nimbuscloud · 13/03/2021 08:48

I agree that it sounds as if he may undiagnosed dyspraxia or DCD. Maybe have a look online and see what you think.

MeanyJoany · 13/03/2021 08:48

Well I would definitely be saying "so just to be clear we aren't doing birthday and Christmas presents anymore? Because I am buying for you but you are replacing my things you destroyed and trying to pass them off as gifts which is tight, annoying and highly suspicious that it keeps happening before you need to get me gifts "

Pokerface12 · 13/03/2021 08:49

@purplemunkey 🤣😂 I know I’m going to get roasted. Just a very different opinion to most MN users. I didn’t realise this was normal view until a few years ago.

I still love my dyson 🤣🙈

Original poster
Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 08:49

@Tooshytoshine I’ve just used your shit house insurance policy comment as a bit of a joke with him and his face dropped - I think something just clicked in his head!

OP posts:
CoolCatTaco · 13/03/2021 08:50

He sounds like Frank Spencer. I'd have to leave him before I killed him.
I think the clumsiness is one thing, but if you've told him not to touch your clothes etc and he does anyway, that's not dyspraxia it's being an asshole.
And definitely not presents!