Page 5 | To consider this not a present?

lljkk · 13/03/2021 11:20

Would the fellow having a diagnosis make him any less "both very sweet & annoying"?

"Thanks for replacing my stuff and now where's my real present" sounds like a grown up enough response. Don't pretend it didn't happen, but don't make it into an unforgiveable set of character defects either.

Alcemeg · 13/03/2021 11:21

I think you both sound really sweet. Just next time he gives you a replacement as a present, look at him with a bright smile and say "Thanks for the replacement, now where's my large and expensive gift thankyouverymuch?"

willibald · 13/03/2021 11:21

And it's up to HIM to get all these diagnoses. At present, he's not giving you a present.

HedgeOwl · 13/03/2021 11:24

@MeanyJoany

Well I would definitely be saying "so just to be clear we aren't doing birthday and Christmas presents anymore? Because I am buying for you but you are replacing my things you destroyed and trying to pass them off as gifts which is tight, annoying and highly suspicious that it keeps happening before you need to get me gifts "

I think this is a good call

MaMaD1990 · 13/03/2021 11:29

I have to say, he sounds rather sweet. I know it must be incredibly annoying when he keeps ruining things but he does sound like he tries to make you happy, even if it doesn't always work out (the shoe storage made me laugh!). Its good you made a comment about your presents and that he's rectifying it because I'd be upset about that too. I suppose his clumsiness (or possible medical condition) is something you have to love him despite of, but it does sound like you've got a good one there.

Chickenwing · 13/03/2021 11:38

I remember as a teenager my dad stood on my GHD straightners and broke them. He blamed me and got angry because they had been lying on the floor (in my own bedroom.) I got new GHDs for my birthday the next month. At the time I was grateful & said thanks because they are expensive and more than what he would normally spend on a birthday gift... but I'm now thinking I was robbed and should be owed one present.

doublehalo · 13/03/2021 11:39

That's shit. Just get him to transfer you the money for ruined items straight away next time .

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 13/03/2021 11:48

Perhaps for his next birthday or Christmas, a few weeks beforehand take away and hide a favorite item of his e.g clothes / ipad / golf club etc. and then wrap it up and give it to him on his birthday / Christmas?

It's more or less what he is doing!

frazzledasarock · 13/03/2021 11:48

Tell him replacing things of yours that he has broken/ruined is not a gift. He should do that anyway. Maybe with your shit house insurance comment he won’t do it in future.

Have you discussed the possibility that he may have dyspraxia with him? Asked if he’ll go to the GP?

I’d be really annoyed he’s not listening to you & ruining your suff when you’ve asked him to leave your washing alone.

ilikethedark · 13/03/2021 11:52

@Magicpaintbrush

That's not a present in any way, shape or form. I'd be making it very clear to him he has been thoughtless and hurtful. When his birthday come around buy him a box of teabags or something as a gift to replace the ones he's used up - maybe the penny will drop.

That made me laugh out loud!

cerealgamechanger · 13/03/2021 11:53

He's dyspraxia written all over him. Poor guy. The ruining things isn't really his fault, replacing things and passing them off as presents is a bit shit. You need to make things very explicit for him to understand. And, next time he leave the bottle of the floor, ground or whatever, pick it up and put it somewhere safe yourself.

Hidingunderthetable · 13/03/2021 11:56

@Pokerface12 your post has really stood out. It would be ok for Op to have clothes as a present, if it was new stuff. But its just replacing what she had. So its not about her telling him what she wants, but more him replacing the stuff he’s wrecked AND buying her a gift. Especially when he will get a gift for his soecial occasions

DdraigGoch · 13/03/2021 11:57

@Thisgirlcando

He’s just told me my real present is coming Monday and these are just for something to open now - I think the shit insurance policy comment made him realise what he’s done!

Thank god for Prime!

Reinventinganna · 13/03/2021 12:01

I’m stupidly clumsy but couldn’t be with someone like me.

BeagleEagle · 13/03/2021 12:01

@Thisgirlcando

My DP is clumsy - but also careless with other peoples stuff. It has got to the point I hate him borrowing things from other people because something always goes wrong.

I had some new white converse around November last year, we were sat in the garden and he had a glass of red wine on the floor between our feet. I suggested he put it on the table more than once because I know what always happens and he told me not to nag because he knows it’s there so is being careful. He managed to kick it over and it went over my shoes and ruined them. For Christmas my only present was him replacing them.

I’ve asked him repeatedly over the years not to wash my clothes because he just shoves anything in without checking, I have my own washing basket so that my clothes don’t get mixed in with his. A couple of weeks ago he didn’t have a full wash load so decided to help me out by putting my stuff in with his. He put all of my whites in with his new jeans and they’ve gone an awful colour, he can’t see why I’m annoyed because he was trying to help.

It’s my birthday tomorrow but we’ve got a nice day planned today instead as he has work tomorrow. For my birthday he has replaced 2 T-shirt’s with exact replicas. I know I’m probably being ungrateful but it just feels crap, he’s not really thought about it because he has just copied what I got myself and I still have less clothes than I had a couple of weeks ago.

I feel really guilty for being disappointed.

Everything that everyone has said but also by being shit at the housework, he's lowering your expectations so he doesn't have to do it. He needs to take responsibility for learning how to do the chores WELL. It's not enough to just do them if you end up having to un-do his cock ups.

Check this out:
www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Original poster

Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 12:08

@BeagleEagle he isn’t lowering my expectations whatsoever. He does do chores well, now and again he makes a mistake that frustrates me. He isn’t trying to get out of doing anything. I never have to ask him to help with housework because he just does his share automatically, and he does it properly. The only housework he is crap at is separating colours for washing.

OP posts:

OnePotato2Potato · 13/03/2021 12:10

Those are replacements not presents!

He is a CF too OP!

Cocomarine · 13/03/2021 12:11

Oh the wine glass 🙈
@Thisgirlcando I would do that, I would think - ah, but I’m aware of it, so even though I’m a clutz this time it’ll be OK. I can’t tell you the number of things I’ve done like knocking over paint can AFTER I’ve gone through the process of thinking:

move that
it’s fine, you know it’s there
yeah, you always says that, move it
seriously, it’s fine
OK
oh shit...

I can’t tell you why I do it.

I can tell you that I amuse my family with my inability to walk through a doorway with shouldering the jamb. I expect that I have issues with proprioception.

I don’t have a history of wrecking other people’s stuff - but I have to fight my instinct to think, “it’ll be fine!”

I definitely don’t think replacing your stuff is any kind of present! But I have a lot of sympathy for you saying that he’s no an arse!

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 13/03/2021 12:16

Despite his annoying clumsiness, he sounds like a decent, hard working bloke who obviously cares about and loves you Op. I don't blame you for not wanting to share him😂.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow and I hope your actual birthday present is something you love.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/03/2021 12:20

@Knitterbabe

I’m always surprised that adults living in the same household do their own washing.seems daft to me; just fill the machine with what needs to be washed . I don’t see it as ‘helping’.

Would you still do that if a family member specifically said that they wished to do their own laundry? Would you still do it if you had a better than average chance of destroying other people's clothing? Do you not believe that other people have a choice about what happens to their own belongings?

I used to do laundry and for various reasons I stopped doing DH's (it was either that or murder him) although I kept on doing all the household and the DC's laundry. DH was miffed and kept doing my laundry, I think to make some sort of point that I was petty and he wasn't (just mine, not the boring household or DC's clothes). I kept requesting that he didn't do it as he was destroying my work clothes but he told me it was accidental, he was doing me a favour and I should be more grateful to him for trying. It got to the stage that every work blouse that could be destroyed had been, I'd replaced them and one of the replacements had to be thrown out after one wear because he washed it. Eventually I had a screaming outburst, because he didn't seem to be able to hear my normally pitched voice at all, and told him that I didn't believe for a second that the destroyed clothes were accidental, that he was clearly doing it maliciously and if he wanted to down that road then life was going to be extremely uncomfortable for BOTH of us. I don't think that your husband is doing this maliciously, but he is ignoring your very clear instruction not to wash your clothes for you, which shows a fundamental lack of respect for your autonomy and he needs to be pulled up on that. Plus as soon as something gets damaged I would as if he would prefer to order the replacement himself or give you the money for you to do it, like straight away, the minute it happens.

billy1966 · 13/03/2021 12:24

@BonnieDundee

I see where are coming from but I think it’s quite nice he’s thinking and replacing the items.

It isn’t on purpose, if you met him and saw how many times he hurts himself you would understand

He knows he often ruins your stuff and knows you dont want him to do it but he carries on doing it anyway. That doesnt sound kind at all

I certainly couldn't be committing to knows he's clumsy, accuses YOU of nagging and then does EXACTLY what you asked him repeatedly NOT to do.

He never gives you anything, just replaces property that he has previously ruined.

Nope, couldn't be putting up with that.

TheSparkleJar · 13/03/2021 12:28

Tell him straight out that replacements for things he ruined are not presents.

By the way if the tshirts are still fairly new, you could buy some Dylon machine dye and turn them a different colour, no need to waste them.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 13/03/2021 12:53

The nice things he does for you doesn't negate the carelessness though. It's not mistakes because he's not learning from it, he's choosing to be thoughtless and the fact he think's its ok not to replace your things he has ruined is shocking. You do seem quite happy with the dynamic though judging from your reactions so I'm not 100% sure what you wanted from this?

thenightsky · 13/03/2021 13:02

My DH is exactly the same re the clumsiness. He is diagnosed dyslexic and dyspraxic. Unfortunately DD has inherited the same from him.

He's great in other ways, does all the hoovering and floor washing etc. Although he manages to smash the hoover into every door frame, skirting board, dining chair legs, corners of cupboards etc.

I cope by trying not to stress or hover around moving things away from edges of tables and his elbows etc. Plus all our glasses and crockery are Wilko's cheapest of the cheap. I won't pay more than 80p for a wine glass (Between DH and DD, I lost 5 glasses over Xmas).

He is absolutely banned from touching the laundry at all, under pain of death since the time I went away for the night and came home to all my whites a sludge colour and my angora wrap small enough to fit Barbie.

mumwon · 13/03/2021 13:08

it really sounds like dyspraxia which affects organisation & a whole load of other things that do not sound related! or a bit of ADHD