To consider this not a present?

[Thisgirlcando]

My DP is clumsy - but also careless with other peoples stuff. It has got to the point I hate him borrowing things from other people because something always goes wrong.

I had some new white converse around November last year, we were sat in the garden and he had a glass of red wine on the floor between our feet. I suggested he put it on the table more than once because I know what always happens and he told me not to nag because he knows it’s there so is being careful. He managed to kick it over and it went over my shoes and ruined them. For Christmas my only present was him replacing them.

I’ve asked him repeatedly over the years not to wash my clothes because he just shoves anything in without checking, I have my own washing basket so that my clothes don’t get mixed in with his. A couple of weeks ago he didn’t have a full wash load so decided to help me out by putting my stuff in with his. He put all of my whites in with his new jeans and they’ve gone an awful colour, he can’t see why I’m annoyed because he was trying to help.

It’s my birthday tomorrow but we’ve got a nice day planned today instead as he has work tomorrow. For my birthday he has replaced 2 T-shirt’s with exact replicas. I know I’m probably being ungrateful but it just feels crap, he’s not really thought about it because he has just copied what I got myself and I still have less clothes than I had a couple of weeks ago.

I feel really guilty for being disappointed.

There have been some inaccurate assumptions made here!

He breaks his own stuff far more than mine because he’s using his own stuff all of the time, a few weeks ago he was distraught because he broke something of his own that belonged to a relative that has passed away.

I wouldn’t say I have low standards because he is clumsy, that is ridiculous. He does his share of housework etc - probably more than I do. Does loads of nice things for me, I get up at 6am for work and a couple of times a week he wakes me up with a bacon sandwich. If we’re sat watching tv on a night and I say oh I wish I had a can of pop/chocolate or whatever most of the time he has his coat on within minutes and goes to the shop. He works really hard every day during work and is good at his job, then on his days off he tries to come up with nice things we can do together. He’s planned a 3 course meal for tea of my favourite foods that he has already started preparing and I’ve had a full English in bed.

The criticism of me seeming “delighted” about the fact he realised he fucked up seems bizarre! Surely him realising his mistake and correcting it is a good thing? Or do you not tolerate errors in judgement?

The shoes and the glass I can understand but putting white clothes in a washing machine with new jeans?! That's not due to being dyspraxic that's just idiotic.

He is very selfish. I am dyspraxic and genuinely cannot help but make clumsy errors, knocking things over etc.

If you know you are clumsy, like me, you do not put red wine near other people's shit. You take extra precautions and spend additional time checking and double checking things like washing.

And if I do accidentally cause damage to someone elses things, I apologise profusely and replace immediately. Not as a fucking present.

"It's an accident" is no excuse for selfish behaviour and lack of respect for you.

He sounds like he's generally a good one op. I had an issue with my DH a while ago as he kept forgetting stuff when going to the shops, ordering takeaways etc. When I pointed out that he never forgot the things he wanted, only the things the rest of us wanted he did get better and start checking a bit more carefully.

I couldn't fancy someone this incompetent.

For the best really because I don’t fancy sharing!

I hate that level of laziness and clumsiness. It’s like having a child. Reminding them to put their drink on a table or be careful when doing the laundry. Then they dig their heels in and get angry that you are treating them like a child so they don’t take your advice and then spill their drink or mess up the washing because they didn’t want to be told what to do.

And that is the crux of it. Their resistance at being guided by someone else results in an incident which didn’t need to happen.

YANBU OP. Buy yourself something nice.

Happy birthday to you 💐🎉🎂!!

I’m always surprised that adults living in the same household do their own washing.seems daft to me; just fill the machine with what needs to be washed . I don’t see it as ‘helping’.

Well, some kind of disorder is fine as far as it goes. But why does this possible disorder mean that when OP tells him never to do her washing he ignores her and continues to ruin her things?

My ex husband was always 'forgetting' and ruining stuff, with him it was cutting down all the lovely plants and flowers in the garden, or digging them up. He dug up some beautiful paeonies because apparently he thought they were weeds. He cut down a clematis growing around an apple tree. He cut down some hollyhocks in full bloom. And on and on and on. There was other stuff too.

Basically it was a combination of not listening to me, not caring, and as things turned out, deliberately doing stuff to upset me.

That your husband continues to do things you've asked him not to, and also replaces spoiled things as presents suggests to me that, although he may well be a clumsy person with some kind of undiagnosed disorder, he's also someone who just doesn't give a fuck.

He sounds a nice chap. Help him see the error of his ways so it's not repeated. You should have done that at the converse incident, then the birthday saga wouldn't have cropped up.

Also point out both the incidents could have been avoided if he'd just listened to you, so tell him he needs to take notice next time you "predict" what might happen.

Oh and this thread reminds me of the one where the OP's husband was continually opening the dishwasher early cycle, and whenever he was called out he'd say he was putting something in it and 'forgetting' to close it properly.

Until, by accident, the OP saw him one day opening the dishwasher and walking away...

@Thisgirlcando

My Mum suggested doing it back to something of his to make a point but I feel like that’s nasty as it is genuine accidents.

He does see it as helping because if I’ve got all my washing done and I’m not busy I will shove a load of his in, or if I’m doing whites I might put his work shirts in too. When he washed my whites he said he changed the temp to 30 and not 40 thinking it’s wouldn’t run.

It isn’t on purpose, if you met him and saw how many times he hurts himself you would understand. He’s had stitches twice so far this year already, once from washing up and another time from tripping over thin air whilst carrying something.

Well he's clearly not lovely as he knows how 'clumsy' he is and you have asked him not to wash your clothes but he is still doing it .

Lovely is listening and taking on board what somebody is saying .

He has very little regard for you and your things and the lack of present buying just emphasises that .

I seriously could not cope with that.

Happy (nearly) birthday Thisgirlcando. I think it might help to get a diagnosis, especially if it makes him feel less anxious when he is doing something that needs care - like washing up glasses. As a previous poster said, there are strategies and even equipment that can help. Or it might be easier to set 'rules' - for instance you said that you will sometimes do his laundry but things went wrong when he tried to do yours so that's an example where trying to be mutually helpful isn't a good thing.

He sounds a very good natured person, despite his problems with damaging items, and I can imagine how the 'wanting to help' mode might override the warning 'I really shouldn't go near Thisgirlcando's best t-shirt' mode.

There are some quite strong comments here about lack of dexterity and poor coordination. Where's the empathy? After all, we would all have awful hand eye coordination compared to Roger Federer.

[quote Pokerface12]@purplemunkey 🤣😂 I know I’m going to get roasted. Just a very different opinion to most MN users. I didn’t realise this was normal view until a few years ago.

I still love my dyson 🤣🙈[/quote]
Presents are what you want! As long as you like them then it doesn't matter what other people think. I've never understood dead flowers as a gift. A pot plant on the other hand is something living and to be nutured :D

Does loads of nice things for me, I get up at 6am for work and a couple of times a week he wakes me up with a bacon sandwich. If we’re sat watching tv on a night and I say oh I wish I had a can of pop/chocolate or whatever most of the time he has his coat on within minutes and goes to the shop. He works really hard every day during work and is good at his job, then on his days off he tries to come up with nice things we can do together. He’s planned a 3 course meal for tea of my favourite foods that he has already started preparing and I’ve had a full English in bed.

Actually, OP, the rest of the stuff is profoundly irritating and there is no justification for the way to spoke to you about it but the above says a lot about how thoughtful he can be. With a few tweaks (and who amongst us doesn't need them), he sounds like a gem-in-the-making.

Yes @nettie434 I think you are right about the wanting to help over riding it! He once saw something I liked on Instagram to store shoes and bags but there was no way we could afford it so he decided it would be a really nice surprise for me if he made it himself (with no woodworking expertise whatsoever). He spent a full day on it when I was at work without telling me and acting weird when I got home - he was acting weird because he was disappointed with how it had turned out because he had really wanted to do something nice for me. I obviously acted amazed and like I didn’t see the nails that were hanging out etc - but then hung soft things on them to prevent him taking his eye out.

He sounds sweet and annoying in equal measures 😂

I'd make it clear that you appreciate his desire to help but that you never ever want him to do any of your washing ever. Not matter what. Absolutely no washing. And if he ruins things he's to replace them not as a gift but as like for like replacement.

The wine I would have moved myself tbh.

My OH is like this - he has ADD.

Assuming it's all accidental, he is an adult with a family and a job so it shouldn't be a great leap for him to understand that replacements aren't presents.

And using misogynistic terms like "nagging" even when you know that you are clumsy and you know that you get upset because your wife is upset that you broke yet another of her things isn't grown up. It's shitty.

So every time you remind him of something and he says "nag" look him in the eye and say "it's not nagging you are about to break something of mine, do you want to feel shitty later or do you want to do this now and not feel shitty later? The choice is yours."

I'd be really bloody cross if this happened to me.

I know I’m going to get roasted. Just a very different opinion to most MN users. I didn’t realise this was normal view until a few years ago.
I still love my dyson

A gift is something that you want, that makes you happy. If you are happy to receive a dyson that's fine. But most of us don't and if anyone gave me one as a present i'd stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Especially since i will give a list of about a million things that people can give me as gifts, at the drop of a hat. I am VERY easy to buy presents for, and people who love me enough to buy me presents know that i want something off my list.

Yep, rubbish non presents.
Sounds like he doesn’t know what to buy you?
Give him a specific list.
Also, buy yourself a nice present, (just in case he doesn’t manage it).

@Thisgirlcando

I couldn't fancy someone this incompetent.

For the best really because I don’t fancy sharing!

😂

Hi OP

I am massively clumsy and one time when we OH and I went on holiday for a week I smashed 5 wine glasses (and replaced them). I know I am very clumsy. I don't have dyspraxia diagnosis but we have wondered whether I might be. I don't put wine glasses on the floor and would certainly not be snappy if my OH suggested it was not a good idea. I think your OH needs to own his needs a little more and hopefully in a way which does not make him feel bad. That might mean that he can work more to avoid the issues. The washing is not clumsiness though. That is a different issue and he needs to take responsibility for that. Replacing things you've broken is not a present. Have you expressed this to him very clearly?

You just need to talk to him and set a clear expectation that if something is spoilt due to him doing things you've told him not to do, it must be replaced. And make sure it happens. None of this buying replacements as presents lark.

I have DCD, as an adult all he could do is get reasonable adjustments in jobs etc. Most NHS trusts wouldn't fund helping an adult, its hard enough getting any help for a child.

All I can do is basically risk assess and double check things, vitamins don't work and self medicating with caffeine ended up giving me a tachycardia issue so I had to cut that down. It doesn't make me inconsiderate though.

It does not matter if it's dyspraxia or elephantitis of the nuts or moon person syndrome, replacing stuff he ruined is not a present. Just say, 'This isn't a present. Where is my present?'