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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider this not a present?

134 replies

Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 08:20

My DP is clumsy - but also careless with other peoples stuff. It has got to the point I hate him borrowing things from other people because something always goes wrong.

I had some new white converse around November last year, we were sat in the garden and he had a glass of red wine on the floor between our feet. I suggested he put it on the table more than once because I know what always happens and he told me not to nag because he knows it’s there so is being careful. He managed to kick it over and it went over my shoes and ruined them. For Christmas my only present was him replacing them.

I’ve asked him repeatedly over the years not to wash my clothes because he just shoves anything in without checking, I have my own washing basket so that my clothes don’t get mixed in with his. A couple of weeks ago he didn’t have a full wash load so decided to help me out by putting my stuff in with his. He put all of my whites in with his new jeans and they’ve gone an awful colour, he can’t see why I’m annoyed because he was trying to help.

It’s my birthday tomorrow but we’ve got a nice day planned today instead as he has work tomorrow. For my birthday he has replaced 2 T-shirt’s with exact replicas. I know I’m probably being ungrateful but it just feels crap, he’s not really thought about it because he has just copied what I got myself and I still have less clothes than I had a couple of weeks ago.

I feel really guilty for being disappointed.

OP posts:
FOJN · 13/03/2021 08:52

Accidents happen and as much as I might feel disappointed if something I owned got damaged I would get over it pretty quickly.

BUT if I had repeatedly pointed out the potential of tipping over a glass of wine and been called a nag or repeatedly asked someone not to do my washing and they ignored me I would be seriously annoyed . Replacing items damaged by his arrogance and clumsiness and calling them presents is taking the piss.
Does he respect anything you say?

GhostCurry · 13/03/2021 08:53

@purplemunkey

That would drive me mad. I think I’d have to say something like ‘Thanks for replacing the T-shirts you ruined. Where’s my actual present?’. Or just tell him straight out that’s not good enough.
This
Carolina24 · 13/03/2021 08:54

Not presents. He should be replacing the things he trashed as a matter of course and getting you presents separately.

ItsMarch · 13/03/2021 08:59

YANBU to be disappointed with your birthday and Christmas ‘gifts’. He should have replaced those things anyway.

Loopyloututu2 · 13/03/2021 09:00

He replaces things he’s ruined and gives them to you as your birthday present?

WOW!Shock

I’d be telling him he’s got a bloody cheek.next time he ruins something of yours say “oh, they cost £50 - leave the money on the bedside table will you”?
Don’t make it an option for him to do nothing about it or even worse, replace them as your effing birthday present!

Tooshytoshine · 13/03/2021 09:01

If he goes to his gp (if possible ever again) then they can give him a referral for occupational health in order to learn strategies, learn practice exercises and gain support - should he want to. There is no cure but things can help.

I would list the things my son has broken but it will just make me cross!

user14515324156262562 · 13/03/2021 09:06

Dyspraxia doesn't make people use misogynistic terms like "nag" to shut people up. Nor does it explain refusing to respect you, your wishes, or your belongings. Nor refusing to listen when you point out he has again damaged your belongings in a predictable, avoidable way.

There's nothing kind about repeatedly doing things you know will upset someone. Replacing something he broke is not a gift.

C152 · 13/03/2021 09:07

Those aren't presents. He's just replaced items he's damaged, as he should do. If I were you I would say, thanks for replacing those and ask, since he didn't get you a Christmas present, was he saving it up to get you a really fantastic birthday present.

Ahbahbahbah · 13/03/2021 09:12

@Thisgirlcando - there isn’t a cure, but recognising it as an issue helps (eg I wouldn’t accuse somebody of nagging about the wine glass, I’d just be glad they pointed it out to me cos I know I wouldn’t register it!).

There are also strategies and techniques you can put in place to help deal with it.

I think some people find vitamin D and magnesium supplements helpful to reduce symptoms as well.

You don’t really need an official diagnosis unless you want one to get adjustments made at work. For a lot of people it’s enough just to read up, find that the descriptions match their own experiences, and then start following advice

Ahbahbahbah · 13/03/2021 09:14

And I do agree that dyspraxia doesn’t make people rude or arseholes, but I will say that it’s a constant source of stress/tiredness/extra injuries, and those things can make people act like arseholes sometimes....

Thehop · 13/03/2021 09:17

Ah, okay. It sounds very tiresome. I like @Tooshytoshine remark too. I wonder if he could have something similar going on?

Phoenixdays · 13/03/2021 09:22

I think buying some T-shirt’s isn’t a great present for starters! Hardly romantic or thoughtful. I’d expect a bit more for my birthday. I hope he cooks dinner and is making a fuss of you at least?
As for just buying replacements of things he’s wrecking - I would tell him that that needs to be a separate purchase from a present. Absolutely
My dh has turned all mine and dcs whites grey and shrunk my 70 quid jumper to a dolly size so I feel for you. He’s more careful after an argument but he still does the washing and no issues since. yours needs to learn to listen to your worries - if you mention an accident waiting to happen he needs to act on it. He also needs to never touch your washing again !
Happy birthday for tomorrow by the way CakeCake

Original poster
Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 09:22

He’s just told me my real present is coming Monday and these are just for something to open now - I think the shit insurance policy comment made him realise what he’s done!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 09:23

@Phoenixdays yes he is cooking tea! It was his idea to move my birthday to today so that we could spend the full day together and it be nice!

OP posts:
MyLittleOrangutan · 13/03/2021 09:23

I'm careless, I burn myself everytime I cook, I drop things and so on. But you told him to pick his glass up, so there's no excuse. You also explicitly told him not to wash your clothes, so no excuse.

The way I'd solve this is to make him replace your things when he damages them. If he'd bought your new converse the same day he damaged them then he'd have to think of something else for Christmas, same for your clothes. He might start actually thinking and being more careful if his accidents had consequences. But at least they won't have consequences consequences you.

Tooshytoshine · 13/03/2021 09:24

Yay! Now start dropping massive hints about what you would like so he can order it from the toilet...

ClarkeGriffin · 13/03/2021 09:25

I don't think getting him diagnosed with anything would help, even if he has something. Not sure he does, he sounds more stupid than anything else. He knows he is likely to knock something over, is warned several times and rather than fixing the problem, he just waits for the accident to happen. That's just stupid.

He's also been told several times to not wash your clothes, because he's incapable of remembering that whites don't get mixed with colour. Yet does it anyway. That's also stupid.

How does he cope at work? Does he just spin on his chair like a child while other people do his job for him? He literally sounds too stupid to function. If he did get diagnosed with something, he'll just use that as an excuse to keep being moronic, so I wouldnt even bring it up.

Just ask him how he manages to function at work, yet can't manage to understand something as simple as not mixing whites with colours. Ask him why he can't remember something so simple that even a 5 year old could get it.

Tal45 · 13/03/2021 09:27

Mine is the same, I think dyspraxic too as my ds is. I was redecorating our bedroom, he was going to go in and get something we wanted, I asked him to leave it as I knew he would knock something over. He did it anyway and knocked over a piece of wood which took chunks out my newly painted door.
The clumsiness I can deal with as it's accidental. The attempts to prove he's not clumsy and not listen/learn is what does my fucking head in.

Tal45 · 13/03/2021 09:28

Oh and YANBU of course.

TeenMinusTests · 13/03/2021 09:29

My eldest has dyspraxia, with the combined poor executive functioning skills including cause and effect.

Your DH sounds very similar.

But even if it is dyspraxia, where things are avoidable like the 2 incidents you mention, he needs to take responsibility. Yes he didn't mean them to happen, but he didn't take reasonable steps to prevent them either.

Aussieadopter · 13/03/2021 09:30

If he doesn't like you nagging, maybe next time something like the wine glass comes up just move it yourself. If he gets annoyed remind him what happened last time.

MyLittleOrangutan · 13/03/2021 09:32

A diagnosis doesn't really help with this kind of thing, if anything it would give him an excuse.
Mine is caused by my autism/dyslexia. I just seem to always touch the top of the oven when getting things out. Or walk into doors. I'm used to it, I don't really mind that I keep getting hurt.
But I have to always keep reminding myself to be careful with DHs stuff. So like yesterday, I borrowed his laptop, when I was done with it I went to put in on the chair arm, had to manually remind myself, it could fall from there, went to put it on footstool, again had to remind myself, I could put my feet up without thinking and damage it. Where is it safest? In its case on the table. Right so get up and put it away. You have to learn to be the mum voice to yourself. Its the only way. But also. You break something you replace it immediately. Whether you meant to or not, whether you were trying to do something nice. No one else should suffer because of how hard you find anything. My disabilities are not my fault, but they're no one else's fault either, they are my responsibility, and mine alone.

TeenMinusTests · 13/03/2021 09:33

Clarke How does he cope at work? Does he just spin on his chair like a child while other people do his job for him? He literally sounds too stupid to function. If he did get diagnosed with something, he'll just use that as an excuse to keep being moronic, so I wouldnt even bring it up.

Watch out, you are close (or actually) to being 'disable-ist'.

My DD with dyspraxia has some very good skills and some really rubbish areas. She is therefore restricted in what jobs she can do, but she can do some things really well. She'd be hopeless as a waitress, but excellent on hotel reception.

pickingdaisies · 13/03/2021 09:33

Not presents. I sort of feel sorry for him, because he's trying to be adult, but failing (I did this for years before I realised I've probably got undiagnosed ADHD).
It's so much better once you recognise that your brain is wired differently, and start putting strategies in place. And not being ashamed of needing them! There's lots of advice online, books etc.
Tell him to do some research, and to buy you a proper present!

MitheringSunday · 13/03/2021 09:34

Tbh I think it's possible he may be doing it (this specific thing with ruining your things) on purpose. He is genuinely clumsy, he knows it, but he also knows that if he ruins something of yours (in these instances entirely avoidably, and despite repeated warnings/instructions from you) soon before a present is due, he can replace said item as your 'present' and gets out of putting thought into something.

I'd be telling him straight: 'Replacing items of mine you damaged despite my having warned you does not count as a proper gift. I would like you to organise a proper gift for my birthday, please.'