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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider this not a present?

134 replies

Thisgirlcando · 13/03/2021 08:20

My DP is clumsy - but also careless with other peoples stuff. It has got to the point I hate him borrowing things from other people because something always goes wrong.

I had some new white converse around November last year, we were sat in the garden and he had a glass of red wine on the floor between our feet. I suggested he put it on the table more than once because I know what always happens and he told me not to nag because he knows it’s there so is being careful. He managed to kick it over and it went over my shoes and ruined them. For Christmas my only present was him replacing them.

I’ve asked him repeatedly over the years not to wash my clothes because he just shoves anything in without checking, I have my own washing basket so that my clothes don’t get mixed in with his. A couple of weeks ago he didn’t have a full wash load so decided to help me out by putting my stuff in with his. He put all of my whites in with his new jeans and they’ve gone an awful colour, he can’t see why I’m annoyed because he was trying to help.

It’s my birthday tomorrow but we’ve got a nice day planned today instead as he has work tomorrow. For my birthday he has replaced 2 T-shirt’s with exact replicas. I know I’m probably being ungrateful but it just feels crap, he’s not really thought about it because he has just copied what I got myself and I still have less clothes than I had a couple of weeks ago.

I feel really guilty for being disappointed.

OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 13/03/2021 09:35

My DD's diagnosis has really helped her. Instead of saying 'I'm rubbish at XYZ' she can now say 'I have dyspraxia which means I struggle with XYZ. However ABC helps me'.

FireflyRainbow · 13/03/2021 09:35

Him replacing stuff he has broken isn't a gift at all. So all those occasions he's really got you nothing.

cansu · 13/03/2021 09:37

I think that knocking you glass over when washing up is just an accident and he shouldn't have to replace it but may as a nice thing. Delibersty ignoring your warning about the wine and putting your stuff in washer when he has specifically been told not to do it would piss me off as this kind of stuff is cocy. Buying you replacements for your birthday would also puss me off unless he is hard up.

Ahbahbahbah · 13/03/2021 09:39

@ClarkeGriffin - I was excellent at my job. Strangely enough I didn’t choose a career that relied on physical coordination.

dottiedodah · 13/03/2021 09:40

Maybe he has Dyspraxia. ADHD or similar? However whatever the cause he has no right to damage your stuff then not replace it! It should be done there and then though .Your BD present should be completely separate .I would say "look Tom .I had 2 T shirts ,still have 2 sodding T shirts!" Say you would not be averse to some Chocs /Flowers whatever for BD.Also put your washing where he cant find it! (Bottom of Wardrobe/Airing cupboard wherever .Most people would not wash new jeans with anything else at all!

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2021 09:41

Getting him diagnosed doesn’t change anything. He needs to take personal responsibility and if he ruins something, replace it, and accept it’s not a friggen gift to do so.

jessycake · 13/03/2021 09:42

I would boilwash some of his favourite clothes maybe with something expensive in the pocket and just pick out a couple of things to replace for his birthday of christmas .

missbridgerton · 13/03/2021 09:42

He sounds very tiresome OP.

My DH is an "out of sight" tidier, and he drives me absolutely mad putting everything that's not bolted down into a drawer, cupboard or the laundry hamper Hmm. I bought myself some E45 anti itch relief last week, and left it out on the windowsill next to the washing up liquid as I'd got really sore hands. It has simply disappeared into thin air, and I've had to replace it. He claims that he can't relax unless the house is tidy, and def has some OCD tendencies - but whose feelings are right or more important?

It's not relaxing to live in a home where your possessions aren't ever treated with respect.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 13/03/2021 09:45

YANBU. Its replacing what he has a moral duty to replace and ignoring your birthday and Christmas.
The converse would have really annoyed me though, and I am really clumsy and don't care about 'things' too much, but it's more that you warned him, trying to prevent it, and got called a nag then it happened anyway. Proof that you weren't nagging and were just trying to help. I hope he apologised for calling you a nag and not taking your advice

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 13/03/2021 09:51

Regardless of the dyspraxia there are two things that would annoy me.

The almost arrogance of ignoring the op when told to move that glass/don't wash my stuff. It's absolutely fine to be clumsy but have some accountability. Why would you override the op like that?

But yes replacing things you've broken is not a present. I would expect that as courtesy (especially having been pre warned...)

Hope he gets something lovely for Monday and happy birthday!

ClarkeGriffin · 13/03/2021 09:54

@TeenMinusTests

Clarke How does he cope at work? Does he just spin on his chair like a child while other people do his job for him? He literally sounds too stupid to function. If he did get diagnosed with something, he'll just use that as an excuse to keep being moronic, so I wouldnt even bring it up.

Watch out, you are close (or actually) to being 'disable-ist'.

My DD with dyspraxia has some very good skills and some really rubbish areas. She is therefore restricted in what jobs she can do, but she can do some things really well. She'd be hopeless as a waitress, but excellent on hotel reception.

How? No one here knows if he actually has dyspraxia, it's people being armchair doctors. If he has no issue, what do you call him then?

The op even says this isn't a daily thing, and that's he made these two mistakes and a third in a year. That doesn't sound like an actual problem to me, that sounds like 'it's her stuff so I'm not that bothered about it'.

billybagpuss · 13/03/2021 09:55

Did you call him out on the converse as well or sit there pretending to be grateful?

The diagnosis is a distraction as him being clumsy you can forgive but him being an arse when he’s ruined something despite warnings is harder to forgive.

NotMeekNotObedient · 13/03/2021 09:56

I mean accidents happen...but this seems like a theme. Putting your clothes in with new jeans, when you have made it very clear not to wash your stuff, then buying you the replacements for your birthday, when he did the exact same thing at Xmas.... YANBU!

Clymene · 13/03/2021 09:56

It isn't the dyspraxia that's the problem. It's the refusal to accept that he's going to damage something of yours and giving you replacements as gifts that's the problem.

I have a child with dyspraxia. They are well aware that they have coordination / planning issues so if I say 'don't pit that there, you'll knock it over', they listen, not just do it anyway.

TalktotheFoot · 13/03/2021 09:57

@Thisgirlcando I think we are married to the same person.

StephenBelafonte · 13/03/2021 09:58

Does he ever ruin any of his belongings or is it just yours?

CharityDingle · 13/03/2021 09:59

Does he damage and break his own stuff?

SonicStars · 13/03/2021 10:03

I'm glad the penny dropped and you're getting a proper present.

Happy birthday for tomorrow!

C8H10N4O2 · 13/03/2021 10:06

He’s had stitches twice so far this year already, once from washing up and another time from tripping over thin air whilst carrying something

Lets be charitable and assume there is dyspraxia.

How would that account for:

  • accusing you of being a "nag" when warning of an accident
  • prevent him acting on that warning
  • constantly ignoring your requests to leave your clothes alone
  • refusing to read labels on clothes before putting them in the machine

One of my DC has dyspraxia and has had to learn strategies to work around it over the years and none of those strategies involve being a selfish arse or blaming the victims of the accidents.
One of my DC is dyspraxic

Okbussitout · 13/03/2021 10:09

It's pretty sad you come across as delighted he's realised he fucked up on prompting. Also the delight that he actually thought about your birthday is telling too. Sound like you have really low standards when it comes to relationships. The backtracking when people rightly call him out in shitty behaviour is also very telling.

Your low standards are one thing and his poor behaviour is another. But until you expect more the behaviour won't change.

ancientgran · 13/03/2021 10:09

It is a tricky one and I'd need to know more about your finances to judge, I'm not asking you to tell me just explaining. If you aren't short of money and replacing the items isn't a problem then I'd say they aren't a present, if you are short of money as a couple and a pair of converse was a stretch from him then I'd see it as thoughtful.

You will know which it is.

harknesswitch · 13/03/2021 10:11

He sounds infuriating and also that he might have a condition of sorts. I'd be having a conversation with him about a possible visit to the GP

But you're right. It's a pretty shit day when you get stuff as a gift that he broke.

Hopefully now the penny has dropped - maybe you do need to simply spell it out for him.

BRB2021 · 13/03/2021 10:13

My Mum suggested doing it back to something of his to make a point but I feel like that’s nasty as it is genuine accidents

Mean - or getting your point across? Accidents have consequences as much as "meaning to do its" do! And purposely ignoring your suggesting about the wine wasnt an accident, it was stupidity.

Christmasfairy2020 · 13/03/2021 10:15

Sounds like my husband. Under no circumstances is he allowed to wash any clothing infact its my washing machine and he isn't to touch it.

VodkaSlimline · 13/03/2021 10:26

I couldn't fancy someone this incompetent.