to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

@pictish

Right so...a few people have raised sensory issues and ASD now. I do suspect Dd as possibly being somewhere on the autism spectrum. Her older brother (ds2) is diagnosed (he is 13) and has HF autism. My dh won’t seek a diagnosis for himself but I’d bet my last tenner on him meeting the criteria for one. Dd does indeed wear soft, baggy clothes and loves heavy blankets, soft toys, lying down...and drawing, painting, drawing, painting. As I said in the OP, her artistic skills are notable, she has talent. She’s a very quiet girl but maintains friendships well etc. I do wonder if the reluctance with the hair is a sensory thing. I’m glad I posted here. I was becoming anxious that someone might flag her up as being uncared for, ie, neglect. I also worry that other children will spurn her because she looks so dishevelled much of the time. I think good basic hygiene is important. I won’t cut her hair. Thanks to those who were able to help. I’m not arsed about the salty posters...I’ve been here years, skim reading that stuff is fine.

Two questions - do school insist on it being tied back neatly?

And, would she consider it being cut to be used as a wig for children undergoing chemo or with alopecia?

@CherryTwin

I'm confused about OP's talk about pleats?!

Pleats = braids or plaits. In common usage here.

If she does decide to cut it please bare the little princess trust in mind. They make wigs for children that have suffered hair loss through illness. My daughters donated 2 years ago, the eldest gave 16 inches. She wants to do it again this summer so when she moans about having it washed and brushed I point out they won't want her hair if she doesn't look after it. (She's 9 though so we are not battling grease, just birds nest style knots)

How has she been about your new working hours? Does she get your attention at another point in the day? I'm just wondering if she's missing doing her hair with you?

Could you (for example) do it once a week with her as a compromise for a bit?

Nanny no, the school have never mentioned it. And no, she’s not at all motivated by donating her hair.

Never heard of plaits being known as pleats before. Why not use the name that they're most commonly known as?

It's almost like people use different words for things in different places isn't it.

Don’t tell her to wet it if it isn’t being washed! That’s why it’s so greasy! Some hair cannot be wet between washes or it becomes a disgusting greasy mess.

Hi OP, given that you no longer think the haircut idea is the right approach right now (I agree) I really do think dry shampoo is your best friend! It’s just so quick & simple between washes with none of the upset. It’ll remove any grease & give it a bit more life & smell fresh so you needn’t worry about her looking neglected (i’m sure she doesn’t but I understand you feel self conscious about this). Even better, if she lets you pop in a quick plait before a bed she’ll wake with nice waves too - it would look lovely.

I find dry shampoo is actually best put on before bed, spray liberally then give hair a good brush then another spray and it kind of works it's way into the hair overnight

Ps how about a soft, wide fabric Alice band to cover the roots which generally show grease more? She may not like this if she’s adverse to certain sensations but I thought it might be an idea to keep the look neat & tidy.

OP: I'm not "chuntering", I'm saying that if your daughter is happy with her "look" then let her get on with it. You seem to care more about how it reflects on you ! My Mum and Dad could write a book about how awful their early teenage daughters (4 of us) looked - but they live to survive the day and all 4 daughters do to!

@pictish

Nanny no, the school have never mentioned it. And no, she’s not at all motivated by donating her hair.

I have to say, even at secondary I'd be worried about nits!

I have thick hair in a bob. I find dry shampoo an absolute nightmare. I can never get it brushed out so my hair looks even worse.

Can't imagine using it on really long hair

It’s a phase, in about a year, when she has used 3 towels, a half bottle of shampoo and soaked the bath mat, you will mourn for the days when she’s a bit smelly.

It’s tough when you are in it, my DD1 was like this , but it does pass

@pictish I'm a hairdresser. I'll pm you now with some tips to help until you can get to a hairdresser.

@Nanny0gg try putting it in before bed.

My DD is a soap dodger too at 12.
I have not rtft.
What about a photo image and try virtual hairstyles for ideas.
She might blossom in self care.

I think you need to make washing it an absolute must even if you have fights about it, I'm sure kids this age rarely care about hygiene so it's not unusual but I'd be worried she'd start to get bullied or cast out at school over it. Plus, you have to teach her basic hygiene and being presentable is not an option. But making her cut it would be cruel.
Also ultimatums rarely work.

Bluebell I can categorically state that she does not want me doing her hair for her any more. I offered to get her up early to do it and she declined, I simply didn’t enforce it. I offer during holidays, while I was WFH, at the weekend. I’d love to get my hands on it. She does not want this. I will not force myself on her, she is 12.

Sorry...I am starting to feel quite defensive, clearly. I love my daughter. I do respect her autonomy, hence I have had this hair dilemma going on for years. I’ve always made sure the hair was done whether I did it or made her do it. It’s always been a battle. Now with the added complication of a shit ton of adolescent oil production, it’s a complete state.
I don’t want a dolly for a daughter...it looks dirty and it smells. When she’s eighteen she can be as dirty and smelly as she wants. I hope she isn’t but there won’t be a damn thing I can do to stop her. Right now, she’s 12 and she’s still my responsibility. At what point do you step in as a parent and say ok, you aren’t looking after it so we need to lose some of that hair? I have to go to work. She doesn’t want me doing her hair. She won’t do it herself.
A haircut would solve all. So shoot me.

OMG, I feel you with the suddenly super greaseball tween hair! It definitely does need pretty frequent washing and brushing every day when it gets to the age of that hormone surge.

My youngest (wannabe soap-dodger) is there now. I have her wash it in the evening and usually braid it to avoid tangling while she sleeps. Then it needs less work in the morning when everyone is rushing.

@pictish re. the ‘snaggly’ hair, try L’Oréal mythic oil through the mid lengths and ends, really lightweight and non greasy (keep it away from her greasy roots though!) and as a bonus it smells bloody delicious.

I have incredibly thick hair this long and it does take a lot of time to wash it, I can’t imagine doing it everyday. If it is really getting greasy every day can she not use dry shampoo one day and then wash it the next?

I’ve decided not to cut it btw. She has agreed to having layers cut in which will make it easier for her to brush. She can brush her hair but it takes ages because it’s down to her bum all one length. She can’t be bothered and it hurts.

Today has seen a major breakthrough. Dh and I are over the moon.

I did the opposite with my daughter. I kept her hair very short when she was younger. Every year she was allowed to grow it one more inch. By the time she started school, she had a cute pixie cut. At age 9, she wore it just below her ears. Age 12, it was shoulder-length. If she can't keep it clean and tidy, it needs to be shorter.
Hair grows. Tell her you will let her grow it out if and when she can be tidy.