to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

I think you should cot her some slack. She obviously wants the long hair, doesn't want to be "babied" by having you care for the long hair, but isn't quite grown up enough to look after it herself. This period will pass, probably when peer pressure kicks in, boys become important, yadda yadda.

My daughter is 10. She doesn't like me washing it, but can't rinse the conditioner out properly, so it looks greasy even though it's clean. I can live with that, as long as I know she washes it at least weekly, preferably twice weekly. She'll get the hang of the rinsing in her own time.

Show her you love her and will help her all you can. Help her wash and brush it as often as she'll let you. Don't shame her.

This too shall pass.

I'm with you op, I am not a fan of long hair on anyone, woman, man or child!

Generations of boys have had haircuts 'forced' upon them without any long-term psychological effects.
I'd say in the circumstances "mum knows best".

Be aware that short haircuts can require a lot of maintenance too, unless you're going for a brush cut!

She needs to shampoo the root area twice, and only use conditioner on the last two thirds of her hair. When hair is that long it's like treating two different heads of hair.
With very long hair it does not need washing often. I would aim for one hair wash night a week but make sure that the hair is really cleaning.
I would try and find a silicone and sulphate free detoxifying shampoo, because using sometimes what looks like grease is really build up. Make sure all the product is rinsed out.
Dry shampoo and a quick blow dry, or a shampoo just of the front of the hair and around the hair line can refresh the hair and mean it lasts longer between washes.
Help her to come up with a routine that really works for her and her hair, and if that means a couple of greasy hair days each week then I think thats fine. Maybe suggest she ties it up those days?

I had her hair in a short little bob until she was in primary 2. That was when she said she wanted to grow it long. didn’t want her to but because I respect her autonomy I said of course you can.
Bloody hair.

I think you really need to talk with your daughter about the reasons WHY she avoids haircare. There have been a lot of good points raised in this thread but none of these will get you far until you know the root of the problem to help you pick out the correct solution.

Is her problem the products she's using, the time it takes, drying it, styling it??? Knowing this will help you learn how to support her.

Daily washing is probably too much to ask (and generally considered not good for hair, plus even if it does get a little greasy between washes there's nothing wrong with not being immaculate especially at that age) but 2-3 times a week is reasonable for good presentation and personal hygeine. The fact she doesn't avoid other aspects of self care suggests it's a particular issue with her hair that can probably be resolved if you get to the bototm of why she won't do it.

I wasn't suggesting that you force yourself on her sorry if it came across that way. I was just trying to think about what could be behind it and teenagers are known for cutting their noses off to spit their faces.
It sounds tricky to manage and I'm glad you have found a way forward today.

I can see you've come to a compromise which is great.

The only thing I wouldn't do is get the hair wet unless washing - I think that makes it look more greasy.

Is it worth trying some dry shampoo in between washes? Washing & frying long hair is so much effort!

@ILoveSlipperss

My daughter is 3 and has bum length thick hair. So I would be the exact same as you, luckily she’s young so I’ve already started teaching her and she will sit and let me do it and wash it regularly. If I know she won’t be in my care for a few days or I have a busy few days ahead I will do 2 french plaits and they last about 3 days. She knows not to take them out. So if a 3 year old knows then a 12 year old should definitely understand. If you know how (plenty of tutorials on YouTube) . French plait her hair back for her until you have the time to help wash and blow dry it. My child is a representation of me and she WILL look presentable and that means her hair also. I 100% agree with you. Good luck

3 year olds and 12 year olds are two different kettles of fish!

OP I completely understand your frustration. My DD is now 14 and incredibly similar (I also suspect autism) but again manages to maintain friendships. Without constant reminding her personal hygiene is poor getting better but not what you would expect for 14. I don't care at all that she doesn't wear make up etc but I do mind if she looks uncared for or smells when she is constantly reminded to wear deodorant wash etc she just doesn't seem to care. We had similar with hair and are also waiting for the hairdresser to open as through lockdown I've been worried it's actually forming its own dreadlocks.. when she finally agreed to get hers cut she instantly preferred it. Hope the layers go well.

Brushing will hurt less if, once she’s done past her head, she holds her hair with one hand whilst brushing with the other. Holding it stops it from pulling on the head

Also, if she hasn’t already got them please buy her a strong shower comb and a good quality hair towel. Both game changers for me when my hair was very long

@pictish

Update! After a good chat with dd whereby I assured her I wasn’t going to cut her hair off, she has agreed to have layers cut in...and readily too! We looked at some photos of long layered cuts and to my astonishment she gave it the thumbs up. This will make it so much lighter and easier to maintain. I can’t believe we have finally reached a compromise. She’ll look decent but keep the all-important length. I could use some advice from a good hairdresser regarding upkeep of very long, very greasy hair. I’ll make her an appointment as soon as I can. Delighted!

this is a brilliant update - not sure why people aren't reading this!

I missed off an Afro comb, fantastic for combing when wet. They’re not just for curly hair

@HavelockVetinari

2-3 times a week isn't enough, not even for most adult women - I have to wash my shoulder-length hair at the bare minimum every 2 days and even that's pushing it (my hair is fine in texture though so shows grease easily).

Just because that works for you doesn't mean it would suit everyone. I'm an middle aged woman with long thick wavy hair and I only wash my hair once a week. Its quite floaty and flyaway when very clean so looks its best 2/3 days after a wash, shiny and bouncy. If I washed it every two days it would never look good.

No matter if I initially didn't agree with you, op. You sure take this thread (beating) nicely .

Best of hair luck.

Torn here. Can see both sides. On balance though, it’s her hair and tbf to her, 12 year olds often can’t help greasy hair, it just is.

Compromise is needed. If she is willing to wash it more frequently, I think you probably need to leave her to it.

I wouldn’t fall out with one of mine over hair.

I get where you’re coming from, but you can’t force her can you ? You can’t physically force her, so you’ll lose in the end.

Layers will help, by 13 she'll be in the shower daily without complaining, that's my hope for mine too.

Great that you've had a break through. Try a shampoo that is sulphate free. Many regular brands create a build up which can make hair look shiny and greasy. If she plays with her hair lots that can make it greasy too. Dry shampoo or talc inbetween washes.

Pictish

So my wonderfully quirky, artistic dd with the messy hair has a diagnosis because she went through a spell where her anxiety from masking was leaking through. She was actually in an accident and injured and had a tough few months recovery and I think if that hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t have figured it out for years. So I’m going to say it doesn’t matter if your dd has a diagnosis or not. You do know that right now she isn’t the girl who is going to be spending hours primping in front of the mirror. She is her own person. She is wonderful just as she is.

Accepting dd as she is really helped me be a better parent for her. It honestly helped me be a better person because I’m also a wonderfully quirky, woman and learning how to be my daughters mother has taught me quite a bit about forgiving myself for not fitting in very well.

I’m glad you reached a plan together. Remember, there is no perfect way to parent, just try to be the best parent for your child.

My ex sister in law had very greasy hair. I was itching to wash it so I offered her a girlie pamper day where I washed it, dried it and styled it for her.

What about offering that?

Sorry if already mentioned

Lol. I realised after I posted that your daughter doesn't want you braiding her hair in the evening anymore.

My dd is a little younger and I give her limited choices in that area. So instead of "can I braid your hair or no?" It's "shall we braid or blow dry your hair after you wash it." She can choose the least objectionable option.

It's actually better in some ways since school is back in, because they have to tie hair back. She will try to do it herself, but I'm a little blunt if it's looking scruffy so that she lets me help.

[quote triceratopsmama]@pictish I'm a hairdresser. I'll pm you now with some tips to help until you can get to a hairdresser.[/quote]
Thank you very much.

Never heard of plaits being known as pleats before. Why not use the name that they're most commonly known as?

Such a mumsnet response . Maybe where OP lines pleads is the name they are most commonly known as @CherryTwin ?! Is hazard a guess Scotland. Regardless, I'm sure you could figure it out!

Don't do it, my "d"m made me have my hair cut when I was 11, it was down to my waist and I loved it, my dm had it cut to shoulder length. 40 yrs later I can still remember sitting in tears as it was cut and I never forgave my dm over it

I promised my dds I would never make them have their hair and I never have(there have been times with nits and they have not looked after it properly when I have been tempted but then I remember my 11 yr old self in tears)