to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

I am so glad you have reached a compromise with your daughter. My niece didn't want to have her hair cut, but also struggled with tangles, keeping it clean and tidy, her mother craftily arranged for her to overhear her and a friend talking about the Little Princess Trust and hair donations to make wigs for children with hair loss... within a week my niece had arranged sponsorship from the whole family and asked for her mum to book an appointment for a mighty chop, she donated 10 inches and her sponsorship money. If your daughter were to go for a drastic cut in the future please think about donation. www.littleprincesses.org.uk/

As her hair is so long, you could suggest that when she chooses to have it cut she could donate it to the Little Princess Trust. My son had his cut recently and was really proud to do this.

He had little interest in looking after it and brushing it was a fight, but he wanted it and I had to wait until he was ready to cut it (and stand up for him to others).

I feel for you, it is so hard to imagine what other children will say.

I think I read on here years ago that you should intervene/insist only when it's a "health or safety" issue.

No coat in drizzle = they'll get cold but their decision.
No coat in blizzard= dangerous- my decision.

The hair sounds like it's moving toward a health issue - sore scalp etc. Perhaps if you discuss it with her from that perspective and explain that's it your parental responsibility to worry she might be more responsive. If it's been going on a long time she may feel there's no point as nothing will change.

Maybe a trip to the hairdresser just for a wash, blow dry and hair care advice would be a positive start and open up the subject in a neutral way for both of you? Rather than turning her hair into a battle.

Hope it goes ok - you sound like you want the best for her x

Since you say to trust you that it is as bad as you describe, I will do and think that in that case she will be bullied by others at her school before long. That in itself will probably be the incentive for her to be a lot more proactive and saves you being the bad guy by wanting to cut it off.

My DD is 12 and was like this up until around September. She is about to turn 13. No matter what I said she didn't budge. Her hair stank all through the hot summer. Finally when they went back to school another kid commented on it and she's been keeping it clean ever since.
I felt evil but very glad they commented.

This reminds me of me as a child! Haha, except I didnt have long hair. But it was greasy and I hated doing anything with it. It would drive my mum mad.. which I think is why I did it!! Just a little act of rebellion.
I definitely changed quite quickly though, I remember suddenly being aware of my appearance and being like oh this isnt a good look!

From your op (havent read other comments yet) it doesn’t sound like cutting it will get rid of the issue anyway?

Whilst obviously being clean is important the fact that she isn’t inhibited by typical expectations about her appearance isn’t (to my mind) a bad thing. The time will come when she is concerned but, for me at least, I would let her look as she pleases. There is so much pressure on girls particularly to confirm that opposing that pressure (on her part) seems like a positive.

I think you’re right about having a duty of care to her when it comes to her personal hygiene. If she is ‘dirty and smelly’ is it just her hair or is she refusing to wash or have her clothes washed? Is she using deodorant and taking care of her skin, taking any interest in her appearance? If not I’d be concerned about her mental health.

She’s likely to get bullied if she goes to school malodorous and unkempt, with long greasy hair. It’s not fair to her classmates either, if she smells and her hair is loose. Long hair is extra susceptible to head-lice, sheds, gets in people’s faces.

I’d tell her she must have it cut for hygiene reasons. And if she still doesn’t wash and brush it regularly after having it cut I’d start taking away privileges eg screen time or access to her phone. I’d make the haircut non negotiable if she’s refusing to take care of her long hair!

Get her a bottle of dry shampoo!

I think you probably need to build washing it into a routine - just telling her and then leaving her to it obviously isn't working. Every night, or every other night, set a time to shower and wash her hair, then plait it for her before bed. She'll get used to doing it after a while and you won't need to be so strict.

Yes let's nitpick over the word pleats. Such an important thing to mention. Looking at OP's language I'm assuming she may be scottish and we sometimes use different words but it doesn't make them wrong 😁

Also, all those saying hair doesn't need washing every day - some does! Mine really does, it's fine and greasy and starts to look dirty by the end of the first day. Even in a ponytail it's obvious. No way could I leave it a week!

Hang in there OP. My DD2 went through this phase at 12 too. She is not NT either. Things that helped, as others have said, was letting her choose a haircut and finding a lovely (young and female) hairdresser to do it for her. We also went to Lush and The Body Shop to try different products. This started an addiction to the Body Shop banana range which has cost me over the years but made her want to start with washing her hair regularly.

The thing is, when the hair is clean and brushed, is it actually nice? I have seen some very long hair that is lovely but I’ve seen a lot of people with very long hair whose hair isn’t actually in particularly good condition.

I’m surprised at a few of the responses on here. I think of bum length hair as being quite an extreme hairstyle but it seems that there are people here who find it quite normal.

It sounds as though the OP and her daughter have come to a decision on what to do.

I have the exact same with my DD (also 12) I used to brush it all out before bed and pleat it, which kept it fairly manageable but during Lockdown she's started taking the pleats out and in the morning it's like a rats nest. It's such a laborious job as well, takes ages to dry and my arms are ready to fall off by the time I'm done with the hairdryer.

We've reached somewhat of a compromise and she's agreed to have a few inches off the ends.

I really can't be bothered to read 11 pages of this but I will say your daughter loves her hair it is part of who she is it is up to her if she has it long or short you cannot force her that would be cruel. As children grow up they develop into their own people with their own beliefs and standards just because you don't like it doesn't mean you should force her to cut it. It's a part of who she is and to not be obsessed by your appearance as a preteen is a blessing. Leave her alone let her be a hippy if she wants but make sure she is happy in other ways and not neglecting herself because she is depressed. I understand you feel embarrassed having in your eyes a bedraggled daughter but honestly there are far worse things she could do so accept her for who she is

Ahh I see you have well that's alright then

I really can't be bothered to read 11 pages of this

Maybe just read the ops post then, there aren't that many.

Doesn't hair need trimming regularly, at least?

If it's any consolation, my 15dd hasn't had a haircut since over a year ago, she had one booked for the day after we went back into lockdown. She takes very good care of her hair, brushing and styling it but for the love of god, the shedding.

Just be warned that home haircuts are a disaster for tangling, regardless of length.
I’d say tangle teasers and good detangling sprays are handy and if that fails then spritz her with a bit of dry shampoo as she goes by ! Take her for a trim when salons reopen, having neater ends will make it less likely to tangle. Don’t stress. When I went to a v posh uni I noticed all the horsey types with stately homes and trust funds had dragged-through-hedge-backwards hair. It was quite the status symbol. Just style it out and absolutely don’t worry about shit like how it looks on zoom calls. Nobody cares.

I find the idea of parents dictating the hairstyle of a secondary school age child bizarre. Why does it matter? I'm sure if she's washing her body regularly which the OP claims she is then her hair might look a bit greasy (although a lot of girls round here oil their hair into tight ponytails/ buns so you can never tell if it's washed but styled or just greasy and no one seems to care one way or the other. And why should they?

At the OPs DDs age I had similar length hair. I loved it but couldn't manage it myself. My mum used to brush and plait it every morning. And she carried on doing so because it was my hair and I wanted it that length. When I was 13 I got it cut to bra strap length as I wanted to be able to do it myself. A few years later I had it cut into a jaw length bob as was the fashion at the time.

I'm glad my mum never forced me to cut it. Similarly I'm also glad she didn't take the opposite approach of my friends mum who forbade her to cut her waist length hair until she was 18!

As to the OPs DD, if she doesn't care and can't be bothered to wash it regularly, surely she'll be the same with shorter hair too? If anything shorter hair gets greasier quicker. I'm not sure coercing her into a haircut is going to make any difference really.

This thread has reminded me to email my hairdresser and book a trim for my daughter.

I think that it's really good to hear that you're concerned for her appearance on her behalf. We've all gone to school with a few kids who were very negligent of hygiene and we know how badly they were bullied.

I think instilling a need for hygiene and a care for her appearance might be a bit of an overhaul process? Offer a makeover sort of thing, make her shower first and go to the salon for a few inches off the hair, maybe have her nails done, get a new outfit (find some pictures on Pinterest to increase the chance of a well formulated outfit). I'm aware you might not have the money for this, so there are cheaper ways to overhaul her style, turn a new leaf etc.

I think that if that doesn't work, your DD may be just one of those people who is utterly unabashed about their appearance. However, style is optional, hygiene is not. Taking her to choose shampoos and hair products that she likes might help incentivise their use? (make sure they're gonna blast the grease off whenever she uses them, like a salicylic acid shampoo or something).

I think sometimes some less tactful words towards a person with hygiene issues are needed. I certainly thanked my mother later on for telling me to shower more after the age of 12/13.

Hair washing two or three times a week is enough. If it looks a bit greasy get her to use dry spray on shampoo. There is no way her present state is a safeguarding issue. If you force her to cut her against her will that would be a big red flag and a negative experience for her.

Greasy hair is normal at her age. In the next year or two she will start to focus more on self presentation. What lovely about this point is the freedom that goes with not caring what she looks like. At some point peer pressure will increase and she will be more image conscious