to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

No. She’s old enough for bodily autonomy which means she gets to decide what happens with her hair.

Could she wash it in the evening and then have it put into plaits for the next day?

It really won’t be long til she starts to care for it herself but in the meantime it would be wrong for you to force an unwanted haircut on her. It also won’t solve the issue - short unwashed hair isn’t much better than long.

Re the brushing, with long, curly, fine hair my hair loves to tangle and brushing wasn't nice. Saw a brush pop up on my Facebook feed and took a punt and bought it. Best thing i ever bought - doesn't tug and pull like normal brushes. Took it to show my hairdresser and she loved it to.

www.voremy.com/pages/voremy-magic-comb%C2%AE

Have you tried dry shampoo? Hair bands/scarfs? Give her options to try, don’t bark orders at her, and don’t force her to cut her hair.

@pictish

“There is a way around this you just sound like you can’t be bothered to really help her and you want the long hair gone. I really don’t see how hair that long can get so greasy in a day...”

Someone posted this to me on the first page and I forgot to comment.

I’ve been bothered to help her with this hair for years. That’s how I have got to this point now...sick to bloody death of it. I don’t know how her hair gets that greasy in a day...but it does, ok? Since she hit puberty a year ago. You’ll just have to take my word for it. Wash it at night and it’s slick by the afternoon the next day...slick. That happens whether she washes it a lot or a little. Fuck knows.

How often does she wash it?

Great outcome. Well done OP

Absolutely no hair should be washed daily, and that's probably the reason it has gotten so greasy. It's so damaging to hair! And yes of course yabu. You cannot force her to cut her hair, and you are going to give her a complex about her appearance if you carry on this way.

I agree with PPs suggesting dry shampoo - game changer for very greasy hair (which is common at puberty).

Do you have a Tangle Teezer?

The sensation of using one of those, just starting with the last inch over your hand and then slowly, slowly, moving up is completely different to using a scalp scraper/normal brush or combs. So much so, they can covert 3 years into liking their hair brushed instead of screaming and crying.

I use one and wish they had been around when I was a child, as I remember every morning of having my head scratched, my hair tugged and yanked up, the shouting and being hit with it for making a fuss.

She washes it two to three times a week, depending on what she’s been doing. If she’s been active and it’s sweaty it needs to be washed obviously.

I’m glad you’ve found some hairstyles that she can get excited about.

My dd had reached a point where she wasn’t caring properly for the length of hair she had and fortunately some of her friends got shorter cuts so she was keen to. It was only about 4 inches less but she really noticed how much easier it was to manage.

I remember one of my friends going through that hormonal greasy stage where her hair looked wet an hour after she’d washed it. It passed in time.

Sometimes I tell her just to run warm water through it to give it a thorough rinse out but no shampoo or conditioner.
There’s no set routine as like I say, it depends what’s been occurring.

@pictish

Update! After a good chat with dd whereby I assured her I wasn’t going to cut her hair off, she has agreed to have layers cut in...and readily too! We looked at some photos of long layered cuts and to my astonishment she gave it the thumbs up. This will make it so much lighter and easier to maintain. I can’t believe we have finally reached a compromise. She’ll look decent but keep the all-important length. I could use some advice from a good hairdresser regarding upkeep of very long, very greasy hair. I’ll make her an appointment as soon as I can. Delighted!

Super. My hair is very oily like your daughters, I use Dermex shampoo for psoriasis and it has the side effect of giving me an extra 12 hours or so of freshness.

Well done @pictish great result on the layers compromise. I was worrying through the thread about your daughter being bullied at school for having smelly hair, and support your insistence that hair be clean.

My son has sensory proccessing issues and haircutting is one of them. The Occupational Therapist advised he have two of the heavy shoulder guard things on to help 'ground' him (he likes weighted blankets, so this makes total sense). It helps. He also faces away from the mirror so that he doesn't get antsy watching the mid stages of the haircut.

I still remember the feeling of my Mum brushing my hair. Like fingernails on a blackboard, I couldn't stand it and would always end up shouting and stamping (sensory issues here too). The solution was me having a choice of haircut and being allowed to buy various brushes to find one that felt right. That gave autonomy and removed sensory stress.

I'm probably projecting from my own experience, but if it's any help, an averse reaction to hairbrushing was very familiar to DS' Occupational Therapist.

YANBU, you're her parent. You know best and need to show her how to live to good standards

2-3 times a week isn't enough, not even for most adult women - I have to wash my shoulder-length hair at the bare minimum every 2 days and even that's pushing it (my hair is fine in texture though so shows grease easily).

That sounds like a good result, OP.

Buy her some dry shampoo. My daughter sprays it on every morning before brushing into a pony tail. It means that she doesn't have to wash it every day.

FWIW OP, I think a long shag haircut looks amazing.

Sounds a bit bonkers, but have you tried rinsing it with an apple cider vinegar solution? Dilute a good tablespoon in a glass of water and rinse her hair and scalp with it - I'm not into woo woo remedies as a general rule but I know a few people who swear by it for their oily hair and scalp issues. Even if it doesn't work, it's cheap enough to give it a whirl!

I have greasy hair and there are so many photos of me at 12/13 with horrible long greasy hair. I asked my mum why she let me walk around like that and she said it was because I refused to wash it!

I wouldn’t force her to cut it as others have said I think it will damage your relationship.

It is however, important to understand how to present yourself at school / work. As others have suggested I find French plaits really good for disguising greasy hair and they can normally last me a few days between washes.

It might also be worth working in other rewards for tidying herself up in the morning or potentially no tv time / iPad etc if her hair isn’t at least brushed.

OP: She is yiour daughter, you brought her up with her hair growing - it didn't happen overnight! You took care of her hair etc. and then you got a new job and you didn't have time to take care of her hair. How was she even know what the best way is when you never showed her to do it a young age!?
Hair is a very self-identifying issue with many people - perhaps you should look deeper that just your daughter's hair care.

I'm confused about OP's talk about pleats?!

@CherryTwin what's confusing about them?

My daughter is 3 and has bum length thick hair. So I would be the exact same as you, luckily she’s young so I’ve already started teaching her and she will sit and let me do it and wash it regularly. If I know she won’t be in my care for a few days or I have a busy few days ahead I will do 2 french plaits and they last about 3 days. She knows not to take them out. So if a 3 year old knows then a 12 year old should definitely understand. If you know how (plenty of tutorials on YouTube) . French plait her hair back for her until you have the time to help wash and blow dry it.
My child is a representation of me and she WILL look presentable and that means her hair also. I 100% agree with you. Good luck

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0

OP: She is yiour daughter, you brought her up with her hair growing - it didn't happen overnight! You took care of her hair etc. and then you got a new job and you didn't have time to take care of her hair. How was she even know what the best way is when you never showed her to do it a young age!? Hair is a very self-identifying issue with many people - perhaps you should look deeper that just your daughter's hair care.

If you’d read my earlier posts you would know that I have spent the appropriate time teaching her how to care for her hair, do simple styles and watched her practice them. I’ve said so more than once. What are you chuntering on about?