Spiteful date

[WorkItGirl]

I’ve met someone on a dating site, we’ve been chatting about a month, we’re making plans to meet in April.

She has confessed that she has a spiteful streak.
She has also said she sometimes shouts and screams when upset.
She has also said that in the past she would throw or hit things sometimes, but that she no longer does this.

Otherwise we have got along so well.

In light of these latest revelations, would you cancel the first date, or would you go ahead and see what happens?

@DeepThinkingGirl

Op, I think she is telling you this because she lacks control to change things.

She is aware of the fact she has those things whixh is a good thing.

But she isn’t aware that it’s a relationship deal breaker and doesn’t want to believe that.. the moment you go ahead with the relationship you are confirming this for her.

She doesn’t want to believe it’s a relationship deal breaker because she can’t trust herself to change. She has a major personality flaw.

I know you feel compassionate and you must be aware that this is why she identified you as a suitable partner.. your excessive compassion where you are willing to put compassion abs altruism over logic.

You need to give your head a wobble and recognise that she cannot be saved through a romantic relationship more than she can be saved through therapy... in fact if you provide her with an easy solution to feel accepted for her flaws she will have no incentive to change, and you will drive her into more toxicity.

So you’re not helping her. You are feeling rather intrigued to boost your hero complex and feel that you are a unique person who can change this girl and mould her into a beautiful princess.

This is what she is counting on.. her codependent self is counting on letting herself loose around you so that you can make her feel accepted and then take change of the relationship to manage her behaviour for her..

She has childhood issues to sort through.. and you won’t be able to sort these out unless you fulfill the role of a parent which probably abused her and so she hates them and so the more you step into a parenting role the more she will release venom on you because you trigger the parent hatered she has.

Then she will appologise when she realises that you’re not actually her parent and her logic turns on.

So you’re incapable of fulfilling that role.. sh needs a therapist and she has a long journey to sort through things abs she needs to accept that her current traits are a deal breaker.

So you can say:

“To be honest I’m freaked out about the spiteful streak, I still think you’re a great person but I think that’s a compassion killer and I think you need help navigate through what’s making you this way and I can’t do that for you. Best of luck “

Thank you.

I had already felt extremely cautious, and with your post and the overwhelming majority of posts, I have decided we will not be meeting.
I need to accept the fact there may be such a thing as biting off more than you can chew.

This is neither here nor there, but we also would never have been sexually compatible. I find nothing arousing about dominating a woman.

And thank you to everyone else who has posted, I read every post carefully. I’m very pleased to have had such a supportive response.

And try work out as to why you were identified as a great catch by a person who is self-confessed disordered.

We’re you the subject of parentification as a child? Where you assumed that you have what it takes to fix a parent or the life of a parent because you kept seeing them miserable in your presence or angry and you grew up feeling like you need to be a hero and save your family ?!

Hence immense compassion and empathy to a point of martyrdom ??

Make sure you get to the bottom of any hero-complexes or altruism that might come to your detriment before it gets identified by another toxic person and you might be too busy sympathising to see the red flags

Of I’ve identified correctly your traits, it’s because I come from a similar childhood background..

Someone else who does too, might identified you subconsciously easily too.. abs might feel intense connection with you.

But while you might’ve chosen a path for yourself to be an ultra-empath to cope with the idea that someone you trusted was in pain and needed you..

Someone else might’ve coped with that by completely shutting down on empathy and developed escapism techniques where they are just unable to tune into someone else’s pain.. and unfortunately because it was a key relationship in their childhood they never managed to learn to tune in to anyone.. so you will be the subject of them inflicting pain without remorse at all.. they’re incapable of processing your pain and you might find they act very strangely ecstatic when you are in pain in fact because they see it as they’re overcompensating by giving you their self pleasing traits. You will start to hate them and hate everything about their self pleasing traits.

I’m being an armchair psychologist here. Abs while I might be totally wrong. But I think it helps for altruistic people to see WHY they won’t be any help for the other person to stop the addiction to wanting to throw yourself into misery with false hopes. Even if my narrative is wrong but I want you to see why it’s not always right to offer your integral right to a happy life as a compromise to make someone else happy. Because these scenarios do exist, and in such cases, that’s not what a person needs to be happy and you will both end up miserable.

Someone who lacks empathy needs to learn to tune into their childhood horror, take away the shame and guilt, and start a journey towards set kindness.

All of which requires the therapist to not be in a personal relationship so that they can be told to exit the door when they conflate their pain with paining others..

I do identify with parentification, that does ring a lot of bells.
Although I never saw myself as a hero. Altruism and compassion are big ones for me. You’ve pretty much called it.

I do not want to be a beacon for a disordered person. Certainly not one who lacks empathy. Very alarming. Lots of unpacking to do here.

I’m sorry you have been through something like that. Thank you for shedding some light on this.

Another one to add to the "don't touch this relationship with a barge pole" pile.

Looking back on my one relationship with a personality disordered individual, they did this, they told me, early on and quite openly who they were. I assumed they were being self depracating.

It took several painful years for me to fully understand. She has warned you.