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Original poster

Spiteful date

155 replies

WorkItGirl · 12/03/2021 12:28

I’ve met someone on a dating site, we’ve been chatting about a month, we’re making plans to meet in April.

She has confessed that she has a spiteful streak.
She has also said she sometimes shouts and screams when upset.
She has also said that in the past she would throw or hit things sometimes, but that she no longer does this.

Otherwise we have got along so well.

In light of these latest revelations, would you cancel the first date, or would you go ahead and see what happens?

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 12/03/2021 13:48

@WorkItGirl Please take her warnings seriously.
Cancel date !
She clearly has an anger problem 🚩🚩🚩

TheWaif · 12/03/2021 13:48

@Chocolatefreak

Lots of judgement on here from perfect people who never say spiteful things or start screaming or yelling. Seriously, has no-one on here never lost control and thrown something? What a bunch of angels.

It could be that she's done things out of rage a few times, has reflected, admitted she has a problem, and now feels guilty and repentant. This shows she has grown as a person. In my life, many people, even family and close friends (on occasion0 have said spiteful things to me. It happens in life, you don't always get an apology.

What's interesting, or worrying, is that she hasn't or won't go to therapy. If you're emotionally invested enough in this relationship you could ask her to go.

There's a difference between what you describing and openly offering up this information to someone you want to meet romantically.
AryaStarkWolf · 12/03/2021 13:49

Lots of judgement on here from perfect people who never say spiteful things or start screaming or yelling. Seriously, has no-one on here never lost control and thrown something? What a bunch of angels.

Sure but not enough to actual describe myself to a potential partner as having a "spiteful streak" That's pretty much saying it's a personality trait which is worrying imo......I'd pass

SeaEagleFeather · 12/03/2021 13:51

Spiteful?

Run.

Pettiness and spitefulness really get in the way of a relationship. Someone who's spiteful can at best make your life harder and at worst be rather scary. You might end up walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting her and the consequences of it.

diagnosing her with a serious personality disorder or several of them as someone upthread did is plain ridiculous though. Just bring it to a close with this person, however much you like her now, because You Have Been Warned by the best person possible - herself.

oakleaffy · 12/03/2021 13:51

@Pan2

I think it was Maya Angelou: " When someone tells you what they are like, believe them the first time."

Cancel and block her. Only tears and harm will come of this.

Angelou is a wise woman.

I was warned that a date drank a lot in the past and got bored easily.
Against better judgement I gave him a chance.
Big mistake.
Angelou clearly has been caught out too.

Believe her.

Remona · 12/03/2021 13:52

Cancel and run a mile!

Icantrememebrtheartist · 12/03/2021 13:54

Cancel. Why would you even consider getting involved with someone who is telling you they behave like that?

Tallybeebloom · 12/03/2021 13:54

Lots of people can be spiteful and have negative reactions in arguments so whilr I wouldn't like to be with someone who behaved like that, I find it even more bizarre that she's brazenly telling you as if it's something to be proud of or some cute personality trait. If she saw it as a flaw that she knows needs to change then she wouldn't be telling you, she'd be getting help for it. I'm generally really open minded and think that nobody is perfect but someone is is proud to tell you they behave like that, nah!

Foxhasbigsocks · 12/03/2021 13:58

Cancel

I’ve lived with a shouty thrower - its DV pure and simple

MrsKingfisher · 12/03/2021 13:59

You'll see how spiteful she can be when you cancel the date.

MyLittleOrangutan · 12/03/2021 14:00

Cancel, she'll abuse you and blame you because she told you chose to continue.

Ladywinesalot · 12/03/2021 14:04

She’s told you that’s she’s going to be abusive, why do you want to date someone like that?

Extremelyilluminated · 12/03/2021 14:04

Cancel

SpiderinaWingMirror · 12/03/2021 14:06

Lordy cancel.

HappyWinter · 12/03/2021 14:08

Run for the hills!

needsahouseboy · 12/03/2021 14:09

I suspect she has a conviction for this type of behavior otherwise why would she tell you.

Do not go on a date with her, she has already sucked you in because you didn't stop speaking to her after she told you this.

Hoppinggreen · 12/03/2021 14:12

That’s the stuff she’s happy to admit to, imagine the rest!

butterpuffed · 12/03/2021 14:13

She doesn't sound stable, be wary.

NewAndImprovedNorks · 12/03/2021 14:15

And this is when she is trying to impress you?
Why are you even considering entering this car crash-a-thon?

SpiceRat · 12/03/2021 14:16

Cancel and never look back.

Even IF she has changed, your gut is telling you something is off and I fully believe you need to listen to it.
Even IF she has changed, why does she feel the need to tell you? If she was no longer that person, she wouldn't feel the need to put it out there so unprompted in such words either, or she would follow it up with the real steps she has taken to resolve these issues. (i.e. "My last relationship ended as I had some issues surrounding anger and violence, however I've take xx step to help me change, attended xx group / therapy / counselling' etc.

The violence alone should be enough to step away though. Even IF she has changed, a small thing could make her snap and she reverts back, and your safety is at risk, be it physical or mental.

I believe she is telling you as PPs have said to test the waters, see your reaction and when she eventually does scream, or shout or does something nasty in a few months time she will say "I told you I was like this and you accepted it"

Keep yourself safe!

TurquoiseDragon · 12/03/2021 14:18

@Chocolatefreak

Lots of judgement on here from perfect people who never say spiteful things or start screaming or yelling. Seriously, has no-one on here never lost control and thrown something? What a bunch of angels.

It could be that she's done things out of rage a few times, has reflected, admitted she has a problem, and now feels guilty and repentant. This shows she has grown as a person. In my life, many people, even family and close friends (on occasion0 have said spiteful things to me. It happens in life, you don't always get an apology.

What's interesting, or worrying, is that she hasn't or won't go to therapy. If you're emotionally invested enough in this relationship you could ask her to go.

Sorry, but no.

To admit to this kind of behaviour, before even meeting, and when people are generally on best behaviour, is a huge red flag for me.

She's bound to be minimising and I bet her behaviour is going to be a whole lot worse.

None of us are perfect, but the clear implication here us that she still indulges in this behaviour.

I would simply cancel and block.

Lovemusic33 · 12/03/2021 14:21

Sounds like she has some kind of mental health issue and a personality disorder. She’s very aware of her past behaviours, she knows she can be a total bitch but has little control over it. She’s testing the water in hope you will believe her when she says “I don’t do this anymore” and hoping if she does do these things you won’t mind because she has pre warned you about them. She’s looking for someone who’s going to keep their mouth shut when she’s being a bitch. Unless you have the same crazy traits as she has and can give as good as you get, I would run for the hills. Being in a relationship with someone like this wouldn’t be much fun, you would constantly be treading on egg shells in fear of upsetting her incase she goes off on one.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2021 14:23

The shouting and screaming would worry me less than the spite. You can pass the former off as passion, and in some relationships they flare bright, loud and then it's ove. Not for me, but it works for some.

But spiteful means it goes beyond that, it's adds another layer on top, that she will do something specifically to cause you upset

Welikebeingcosy · 12/03/2021 14:24

Do you like being screamed and shouted at by people you get on well with?

CodMouth · 12/03/2021 14:25

Re-home your pet rabbit or hide your pans.