Spiteful date

[WorkItGirl]

I’ve met someone on a dating site, we’ve been chatting about a month, we’re making plans to meet in April.

She has confessed that she has a spiteful streak.
She has also said she sometimes shouts and screams when upset.
She has also said that in the past she would throw or hit things sometimes, but that she no longer does this.

Otherwise we have got along so well.

In light of these latest revelations, would you cancel the first date, or would you go ahead and see what happens?

Cancel. Wouldn't you be constantly on edge wondering whether she was going to scream or shout?

I wouldn’t allow this to get any further and to get feelings involved. She’s warned you so when she ‘goes off’ she can blame you for being upset as she’s already told you about it.

Run.

So far, I have found her to be so incredibly clever, down to earth, really interesting person

OP you’ve literally never met this person but you seem to be really invested. I’m worried for your self esteem and personal safety if you would even consider meeting someone who’s told you outright that they’re nasty.

She could be someone looking for a person who is vulnerable or has a victim mentality. Some people will respond to someone saying they are violent by walking towards them rather than running away.

Are you vulnerable or have a history of being in unequal or abusive relatiinships? Most people wouldn't ask about this but run for the hills. The fact you're asking makes me wonder.

@Chocolatefreak

Lots of judgement on here from perfect people who never say spiteful things or start screaming or yelling. Seriously, has no-one on here never lost control and thrown something? What a bunch of angels.

It could be that she's done things out of rage a few times, has reflected, admitted she has a problem, and now feels guilty and repentant. This shows she has grown as a person. In my life, many people, even family and close friends (on occasion0 have said spiteful things to me. It happens in life, you don't always get an apology.

What's interesting, or worrying, is that she hasn't or won't go to therapy. If you're emotionally invested enough in this relationship you could ask her to go.

Can't believe you are actually trying to defend her behaviour and being disparaging to those who disagree? Christ knows what shite you tolerate.

I dunno, but id definitely tread carefully. Dont give her your address or bring her back to yours. Keep things light and dont get too serious

These are the good days when you should be seeing the best of someone that then hopefully might lead to a real relationship and then the honeymoon period starts!

You should most certainly not be worrying about future spite and someone screaming at you before you've even met them - stop this now, please do not get involved with this one.

She has also mentioned that she her sexual interests run towards being a sub and she prefers a dom partner. I had thought sexual tastes may not necessarily have anything to do with someone’s day to day personality, but along with the other stuff, I am left wondering.
I have a general understanding of what that kind of activity might mean, but since I’ve never had a personal interest, I can’t say I have made a judgement about that.

Would someone who is familiar with this sort of set up comment about this please?

No comment or further thought needed.
Block.
Unless of course you are a glutton for punishment...😒

I remember someone I met online & got along with (just as a friend with a common interest). She said she'd spoilt previous friendships by becoming too demanding & if I noticed her doing that, I had to tell her as she didn't want to lose another friend.

I thought this was cr*p because it made me feel that I was responsible for her behaviour; but I liked her & everything seemed OK so I stayed in touch.

As she'd warned, she started to get demanding, so I carefully & sensitively made that known.

It didn't end well.

It's impossible to tell if she's very honest and self critical or has a personality disorder. You might as well try a first date and see.

For all the posters yelling red flag - it may well be. But then 100s of women on here apparently 'lose their shit' in Asda or 'call out ' MIL at Christmas so I she doesn't sound much different from MNers.

Would someone who is familiar with this sort of set up comment about this please?

Sounds like you are planning to meet, against great advice , otherwise why would you care?

I think that whether she's 'honest' is irrelevant here given the somewhat unfavourable aspects of her personality.
Who cares she's being honest, she doesn't sound like the type of person anyone sensible would continue to engage with.
OP now you want to turn it into a discussion about sub/dom sexual behaviour? Okaay...

Cancel of course.

She’s told you this so you know that when she does it to you, it’s OK because she knows it’s wrong and she’s already working on it. Go her! And you’re the arsehole for not supporting her in her attempts at personal development.

Cancel OP.
When someone reveals bad traits about themselves before you’ve even met I would say they’re massively downplaying them to get you onside for when the real shit hits the fan.

@Branleuse

I dunno, but id definitely tread carefully. Dont give her your address or bring her back to yours. Keep things light and dont get too serious

I had been in two minds about this, or not even meeting in the first place.

I do not see myself as vulnerable or desperate to jump into a relationship.

I do know we all have traits that others may not like and if we were honest enough to mention them right at the beginning, we may all find ourselves friendless and single.

Tolerance and compassion is not a bad thing, since I would hope to receive it from others myself.

I’m sorry I’ve not been able to keep up to respond to everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts. I didn’t expect the thread to blow up as it did!

Spite has many unpleasant variables. The last person who was spiteful to me I will never forgive for their deliberate cruelty when they set out to hurt and ruin me. This was also someone I was close to. Could I trust someone with aggression/ violence issues to have a dom type sex life with? Safely? Not a chance.

Even with the bright red flags staring you in the face it reads like you still want to meet her regardless. Be careful about letting this kind of person into your life.

I’d cancel. Who needs that amount of stress and drama in their lives?

Reading this I was thinking maybe she’s worked on it and that’s why she’s admitting it, but I’ve recently realised I’ve been trained by narcissists into being the kind of person they can use. So please do the opposite of this. They will draw you in with the charm and then break you. Please watch out, and if you must meet them in person, find out why they say this about themselves, examples and how they’ve worked to change and what made them realise they needed to.

Tolerance and compassion is not a bad thing, since I would hope to receive it from others myself.

yes, I agree, but you also have to think carefully about where you are willing to invest them.

Does she need compassion?

This one has the hallmarks of Trouble and Drama and ending in tears, possibly quite a lot if she's spiteful.

Op, I think she is telling you this because she lacks control to change things.

She is aware of the fact she has those things whixh is a good thing.

But she isn’t aware that it’s a relationship deal breaker and doesn’t want to believe that.. the moment you go ahead with the relationship you are confirming this for her.

She doesn’t want to believe it’s a relationship deal breaker because she can’t trust herself to change. She has a major personality flaw.

I know you feel compassionate and you must be aware that this is why she identified you as a suitable partner.. your excessive compassion where you are willing to put compassion abs altruism over logic.

You need to give your head a wobble and recognise that she cannot be saved through a romantic relationship more than she can be saved through therapy... in fact if you provide her with an easy solution to feel accepted for her flaws she will have no incentive to change, and you will drive her into more toxicity.

So you’re not helping her. You are feeling rather intrigued to boost your hero complex and feel that you are a unique person who can change this girl and mould her into a beautiful princess.

This is what she is counting on.. her codependent self is counting on letting herself loose around you so that you can make her feel accepted and then take change of the relationship to manage her behaviour for her..

She has childhood issues to sort through.. and you won’t be able to sort these out unless you fulfill the role of a parent which probably abused her and so she hates them and so the more you step into a parenting role the more she will release venom on you because you trigger the parent hatered she has.

Then she will appologise when she realises that you’re not actually her parent and her logic turns on.

So you’re incapable of fulfilling that role.. sh needs a therapist and she has a long journey to sort through things abs she needs to accept that her current traits are a deal breaker.

So you can say:

“To be honest I’m freaked out about the spiteful streak, I still think you’re a great person but I think that’s a compassion killer and I think you need help navigate through what’s making you this way and I can’t do that for you. Best of luck “

@ihopeyourcakeisshit

Can't believe you are actually trying to defend her behaviour and being disparaging to those who disagree?
Christ knows what shite you tolerate.

I think she knows that by admitting these things many people will walk away without entering any further into a relationship. Which they're perfectly entitled to do if they don't want that drama.

From her admission, it sounded to me like she was trying to be upfront and to work on her issues. I think there are many more freaks out there who won't give you the advantage of a heads up about their dodgy behaviour first! I agree there's a risk there though.

I think the one thing to be concerned about would be if you decided to enter into a relationship with her and then decide further down the line that it isn't working out, how will she react? We all know relationships that have ended with the 'dumped' one taking it very badly and acting out, sometimes violently. It's hard to remove people from your life when they know where you live/work/who your friends are etc. Especially if they are spiteful, angry people.

It's like she's challenged you! She knows you're already attracted and is pushing things to see just how much. She's already started with the mind games I think.

But spiteful is an interesting word to use about herself. Because the point of spite - is that the nastiness is deliberate and is for her own enjoyment and satisfaction.

It's not as if she's saying she's got some condition that causes her to have outbursts or whatever (although the screaming etc might mean that as well). No, she is nasty for the sake of it.

If you enjoy someone being horrible to you just because it will make them feel good, then go for it! Otherwise, cancel.