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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Using" your parents for childcare.

134 replies

ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 23:18

I see this phrase so often, and it hits my guts.

Maybe it's just semantics, but so many people say they "use" their parents for childcare. It's so cold and well...bloody entitled.

"My friend Mandy up the road, well she "uses" her parents for childcare. Not "relies upon" or "is lucky enough to have" No, she "uses" them for it.

I'm oldish, and I have daughters who might have children soon-ish, and I would very likely be happy to take care of them for short periods to help out.

But my own life has not been a barrel of laughs, and to agree to two or three solid days a week to being "used" for childcare would be a huge commitment for me.

I might be quite happy to take care of them for 2 or 3 days a week while my daughter works, but to have it described as her "using" me for childcare makes me feel a bit......used.

So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job. Don't tell people you "use" them for it. It does not make them feel good. And you want them to feel good, because you want them to go on doing it.

And if you don't understand what I'm saying,, just search the number of people who say " I use my parents for childcare"

I mean, "USE". Maybe it's just me. It sounds really bad to me.

OP posts:
Findahouse21 · 11/03/2021 23:23

I have never heard anyone say this. Ever.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2021 23:24

Me neither.

Original poster
ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 23:25

I have never heard anyone say this. Ever

On Mumsnet. Youve never read anyone saying they "use" their parent for childcare.?

OK

OP posts:
TheSandman · 11/03/2021 23:26

Me neither.

frokenslinger · 11/03/2021 23:28

I searched it. 5 results on the whole if the internet.

Original poster
ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 23:30

People say this all the time. "I use my parents for childcare"

It's common. If you haven't noticed it then it's probably because you think it's a normal expectation.

OP posts:
Onedropbeat · 11/03/2021 23:32

Our parents help us out with looking after their grandchildren whilst we work

We don’t use them.

I’ve never heard anyone use that expression before

Original poster
ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 23:32

Whilst I'm losing on the posts, I'm winning on the votes. It's probably grandparents reading but not having time to post because they're babysitting.

OP posts:
bubbledilema · 11/03/2021 23:33

People do say this OP, I say it too. I would say "we 'use' nursery for childcare, if nursery bubble bursts we would 'use' annual leave, if desperate I could 'use' my parents."

I know where you are coming from on how it sounds though and haven't really thought it that way before.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 11/03/2021 23:33

I’ve never heard anyone say this. I would say “DD goes to granny and grandad’s on x day” or “my parents look after DD on x day”. I do know people who I think take the piss with how much childcare they expect their retired parents to provide but can’t say I’ve ever heard them say it as “use”.

Onedropbeat · 11/03/2021 23:33

I also don’t see it as childcare as such.

Yes the children are being taken care of but our parents are not childminders. They are grandparents.

They have fun together. Usually doing and eating all the things they aren’t allowed to at home

dotdashdashdash · 11/03/2021 23:34

I use a nursery for child care. Does that get your goat in the same way?

I think it depends on context.

I have a need, I use X to meet that need.

It isn't removing the privilege of having X at your disposal. I'm privileged to be able to afford nursery. But it would be odd to say that.

Shnuffles · 11/03/2021 23:35

Honestly, I think it's "just" semantics, and what will bother one person won't make someone else think twice.

If it bothers someone and they're the ones being referred to, they can ask their child not to phrase it that way or be careful to always use their preferred phrasing, but for anyone else, actions matter more than words. If the grandparents feel appreciated rather than "used", that's the important thing.

DenisetheMenace · 11/03/2021 23:35

We haven’t been able to see our 7 month old grandchild.

Can’t wait until we’re “used” for childcare.

(No doubt missing the point entirely Grin)

Original poster
ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 23:37

"I’ve never heard anyone use that expression before"

It's there regularly. Maybe you are not looking for it so you don't see it.
Just have a look going forward and you'll find that people regularly refer to "using" grandparents as childcare.

I don't object to that of course! It's just the casual use of the term "using", rather than " relying upon" . You know, some sort ofacknowledgement that you are lucky enough to have that.

It's not like anybody can just "use" that facility.

OP posts:
Doona · 11/03/2021 23:39

Could be jealousy. I'm extremely jealous of people with hands on grandparents. I don't say use (rude!) about them but I could, so jealous am I.

DeRigueurMortis · 11/03/2021 23:41

I've seen it on MN and heard it in RL.

I agree it's utterly dismissive of the commitment many GP's put in to provide long term and significant childcare.

I know not everyone utilises this expression but it does make my teeth itch when I see/hear it and I think people who think it's a myth just aren't " looking out" for it so it passes them by.

Despite my parents living locally I never asked for regular childcare. I'm pretty sure if I'd asked they would have done one, maybe two days a week (but not 5).

I was lucky I admit that I could afford to pay for a top notch nursery full time.

I wanted my parents to enjoy their retirement and spend time with their GS on their terms and continue after years of teaching to take advantage of less expensive holidays during term time.

They were brilliant at stepping in an emergency e.g if he was ill and couldn't go to nursery and doing babysitting if DH and I wanted a rare night to ourselves or when DH and in both had to travel abroad for work - Something we were super thankful for.

DS and they have a fab relationship (he's now a teen).

I appreciate GP childcare can work for many people and most are really grateful for the support provided, but there are definitely some parents who both expect and take it for granted.

saraclara · 11/03/2021 23:44

I see the word 'used' in this context very often. It's not something I've given much thought to, but you're right, OP. It's a poor use of words, and the (at best subconscious) implication is bad.

KitHenry · 11/03/2021 23:46

Like you say, it’s semantics and I don’t understand why you are so het up about it. If grandparents don’t want to help out they should just say so.

My parents have the children before and after school each day - this is their choice, I’ve said I’m more than happy to use school wrap around care but they would rather do it. And most of the time they help out in the holidays, sometimes they don’t depending what their plans are.

If someone asked who I used for childcare I would say my parents, that doesn’t mean I’m ‘using’ them in a cold entitled way.

Original poster
ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 23:47

I know where you are coming from on how it sounds though and haven't really thought it that way before

I suppose the people who say it don't really mean it how it sounds.
On the other hand, it sounds very casual - I "use" my parents for this.
I've just seen it so often through lockdown that it's started to really annoy me. If I heard a friend or relative, for whom I do an occasional favour, saying they "Use" me for that, then I would be quite upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 23:49

I use a nursery for child care. Does that get your goat in the same way?*

Of course not. You are using their service and paying.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 11/03/2021 23:50

@KitHenry

Like you say, it’s semantics and I don’t understand why you are so het up about it. If grandparents don’t want to help out they should just say so.

My parents have the children before and after school each day - this is their choice, I’ve said I’m more than happy to use school wrap around care but they would rather do it. And most of the time they help out in the holidays, sometimes they don’t depending what their plans are.

If someone asked who I used for childcare I would say my parents, that doesn’t mean I’m ‘using’ them in a cold entitled way.

I'm glad it works for you and your parents.

However I disagree that GP's can always just say "no".

I know some friends of my DP's who were put under enormous pressure (emotional blackmail) to provide childcare, some with the implication if they won't help they won't see their GC's otherwise.

KitHenry · 11/03/2021 23:54

It's just the casual use of the term "using", rather than "relying upon"

But just because you ‘use’ grandparents for childcare doesn’t mean you also rely upon them. Yes, I rely on them in so much as they have made a commitment so I’d need reasonable notice to change arrangements but I don’t use them due to lack of other options.

It’s actually quite a sad time for us as we might be relocating and my mum doesn’t want us to as she loves having the kids everyday.

JupiterWeb · 11/03/2021 23:59

I'm on the fence as my partners mum is paid to look after our little boy full time to enable us to both work.

KitHenry · 12/03/2021 00:00

@DeRigueurMortis oh that’s awful, I can’t imagine emotionally blackmailing my parents in that way. Mine definitely know it’s not expected.

I am very lucky that my parents are able to help. I was speaking to a colleague yesterday who was saying she hoped her child didn’t ask for childcare as she felt too tired. I said it wasn’t the same as she works and my mum doesn’t work. I think my mum would feel lonely not seeing us all.

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