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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Using" your parents for childcare.

134 replies

ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 23:18

I see this phrase so often, and it hits my guts.

Maybe it's just semantics, but so many people say they "use" their parents for childcare. It's so cold and well...bloody entitled.

"My friend Mandy up the road, well she "uses" her parents for childcare. Not "relies upon" or "is lucky enough to have" No, she "uses" them for it.

I'm oldish, and I have daughters who might have children soon-ish, and I would very likely be happy to take care of them for short periods to help out.

But my own life has not been a barrel of laughs, and to agree to two or three solid days a week to being "used" for childcare would be a huge commitment for me.

I might be quite happy to take care of them for 2 or 3 days a week while my daughter works, but to have it described as her "using" me for childcare makes me feel a bit......used.

So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job. Don't tell people you "use" them for it. It does not make them feel good. And you want them to feel good, because you want them to go on doing it.

And if you don't understand what I'm saying,, just search the number of people who say " I use my parents for childcare"

I mean, "USE". Maybe it's just me. It sounds really bad to me.

OP posts:
NatriumChloride · 12/03/2021 04:27

Wow OP. I couldn’t get worked up over something like this. Find a more worthier issue to invest your passion in.

FlyNow · 12/03/2021 04:35

A few different issues going on here.

The word - I see what you mean although people don't mean anything bad by it.

Expectations of childcare - agree that there shouldn't be expectations. However I totally disagree that it's everyone thinking this way or even common. Most people use nurserys.

I also disagree that all gps that do provide care are all put upon and hate it. Some do maybe. Others want to do it and happily volunteer. Some people absolutely love kids and others don't, same for anyone, that's why some people have ten kids and others are child free.

Sola123 · 12/03/2021 04:45

Can't say I've heard the word "used" much in this context. Generally people would say something like "Jane goes to nursery during the week" or "My mum looks after Jane on Fridays" or "We have a nanny". Or for more ad hoc arrangements "Jane is staying at her granny's tonight" or "My parents are babysitting."

But no doubt it is said from time to time. I've seen it more often on Mumsnet from third parties who are critical of the arrangement eg "My sister uses DM for childcare".

But I think the anger you are feeling might be more about the lack of support you had from your own parents, rather than the language strangers use to describe their arrangements. I'm sorry they weren't willing or able to support you more. Everyone benefits when there are loving grandparents involved in the lives of younger generations.

I'm sure if sure if your daughters do have children they'll be really happy and grateful for your love, wisdom, advice and support. This will be your chance to do it your way.

SomeoneBurntTheToastAgain · 12/03/2021 04:47

@emilyfrost

YABU. It’s just semantics.

It’s probably good you’re not a grandmother as you seem to have such disdain for any future grandchildren you may have.

Ultimately, what your irrational rant stems from is the fact that you didn’t have grandparents to rely on to look after your children and you’re bitter about that - hence going on about wanting people to gush about how lucky they are, making disparaging comments about how no grandparents want “the responsibility”, using words like “it” to describe children.

All you’re really doing is embarrassing yourself and showing you’ve never got over not having help yourself.

This with bells on! Couldn’t have put it better myself. What a stupid irrational thread.
Anne1958 · 12/03/2021 04:58

This with bells on! Couldn’t have put it better myself
What a stupid irrational thread

This Grandma of 7 thinks the thread is nonsense.

Subordinateclause · 12/03/2021 05:35

Goodness, what an unpleasant update OP. Many grandparents enjoy spending time with their grandchildren and are far from aged to boot. It never occurred to me that my parents would look after my baby when I returned to work - I booked a nursery and that was that. My mum started bringing it up and I said I thought it could lead to arguments and best to keep things simpler. She continued to ask and as such had the baby one morning a week and now as a toddler she and my dad have her for one full day. It is the highlight of their week - they continue to have her now I'm on maternity leave despite my absolute assurances they don't need to. I often pop round to theirs at other times so not like they wouldn't see her otherwise. There's a middle ground between not helping and looking after your grandchild 5 days a week. Have never had anything close to cross words about chocolate buttons and the other things you mention. Surprisingly enough, just because you feel one way about looking after toddlers, doesn't mean everyone else does.

BlingRing1 · 12/03/2021 05:45

I think there are some people who 'use' their parents for childcare and I mean that in the 'exploitative' use of the word.

My sister in law and her husband use her parents several days each week and they quite often tell us they feel like it's too much and they no longer feel like grandparents, but simply free childcare. They could easily afford to pay someone some of the time too and I'm sure then the times they do take them would be more pleasurable and less of a burden.

Similar story with my aunt, worse in some ways. She does the same thing with her parents, so my grandparents, and they're in their late 70's/early 80's!! Children are still relatively young, under 10. My aunt couldn't afford to pay for childcare though, but then maybe she shouldn't have had 4 children! To be clear, only 2 of the children are young enough to need looking after, but at my grandparents age, even 1 is too many!

rwalker · 12/03/2021 05:45

I'm not that pedantic to analyse someones turn of phrase and more to the point it's nothing to do with me.

MiddleParking · 12/03/2021 06:06

@ChippyChickenChips

I'm such an idiot. Of course all the people who think IABU are the ones who rely on their parents for childcare and whose parents are happy to do it {Well maybe not happy but they feel very much obliged}

So. They love their grandchild so they can't say they don't want to look after said child for 2 or3 days a week. Trust me. They do not want that responsibility.

Do not give it chocolate buttons. Do not let it go to sleep outside of specific nap hours. Do adhere to my specific instructions. Do not, not ever give it fresh fruit because it might rot their teeth if that should happen twice in a day. Do not give them any food that's not on my list of approved foods. My child might very well be allergic to any and everything that I have not personally fed it myself in a controlled situation.

Looking after other people's kids must be a nigthmare nowadays,

It was much simpler in the 80s. None of my charges suffered any anaphylictic shock from having a walk in the woods.

Nowadays, I'd bet most of them have been primed to have some sort of allergy thingy.

I mean, sorry my parents like me and my kid better than yours liked you and yours but you can hardly blame them for steering clear if this is how you go on with yourself.
Sceptre86 · 12/03/2021 06:07

I have heard this phrase used in real life and have seen it several times on mumsnet. I agree that some people do just expect grandparents to help take care of kids whilst some offer. If I lived near my parents my mum would offer to have my two in a heartbeat on days where I am working. My mil will be happy to help on the odd occasion but has made it quite clear that she has raised her children and has no desire to raise mine. Fair enough, she has her own routine and doesn't wish to jeopardise that. I think the wording is semantics and doesn't necessarily mean anything callous. You don't like it fair enough.

Slurtdragon · 12/03/2021 06:20

@ChippyChickenChips

Whilst I'm losing on the posts, I'm winning on the votes. It's probably grandparents reading but not having time to post because they're babysitting.
Brilliant OP! 🤣

I haven’t had any children yet, my mum works part time and I only hope she helps me out 2-3 days a week!

I do have a little sense of entitlement though, little bit of a warped ideology.

Worried234 · 12/03/2021 06:23

@ChippyChickenChips

Whilst I'm losing on the posts, I'm winning on the votes. It's probably grandparents reading but not having time to post because they're babysitting.
Jesus. Bitter, much?
MoominKitty · 12/03/2021 06:25

My mum looks after my son 2 full afternoons a week and 2 hours 3 days a week so me and his dad can work, but she also lives with us and we pay all bills and food shop and I get her prescriptions and we've helped her sort her debt out. She also suggested the childcare arrangement as her contribution to house hold costs as saves us 400 a month. Neither of us are using the other, we're family and we'd have helped her childcare or not, and I love how close they've become tbh. My nan did all our child care when we were kids too but mum paid her, and when the time comes I'll happily look after my grand kids. I get what you mean though as done posts sound a bit grabby and what not.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 12/03/2021 06:36

‘Use’ does have a clear connotation. No one would say ‘I use a soup kitchen for my food’ or ‘I use my Mother for Christmas presents’.

‘Use’ is normally used either for inanimate objects or for paid services, not for things given for nothing.

Bambam2019 · 12/03/2021 06:45

I’ve had a conversation about childcare on several occasions recently, as I’m on maternity leave at the moment. I’ve just thought over what I say...
“He will go to nursery two days a week and my mum will look after him two days” is usually the reply to “what is baby going to do when you go back to work”.
If the word ‘use’ disgruntles you, OP, fair enough you can’t help how you feel, but I really don’t think it’s as common as you think it is. I’ve never really heard it

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 12/03/2021 06:51

I agree OP, I have heard this many times and also haven't thought about it that way.

GenderApostate19 · 12/03/2021 06:52

I neither know nor care if my DD says she uses me for childcare, what I do know is that she’s very appreciative that I take care of my Grandson Mon-Fri and that he adores me and his Grandad. He’s our only grandchild and it’s an absolute priviledge to watch him grow.

MsSquiz · 12/03/2021 06:55

Maybe people who use the term "use" don't want to swap it to "rely upon" because they don't?
I have seen many posters say their DC's grandparents ask to have them when mum goes back to work, etc. It can be a choice to make, it's not always "relying" on grandparents to have their grandchildren.

I think you are taking it way to personally when it really is semantics
You don't like how your friends spend so much of their time as "childcare" for their grandchildren so have taken umbrage at the word "use"

So, for the record I don't agree with you (can't vote on the app) and my DD has no grandparents on my side, DH's mum is currently dying (and has been used for childcare for probably less than 24 hours in total) and DH's dad wouldn't feel comfortable having her to stay through the day or overnight - so no using grandparents for child care here!

Magnificentmug12 · 12/03/2021 07:07

Your making a mountain out of a mole hill!

People use the term “use or used” in general, you are PURPOSELY taking it in a negative way to be offended. It’s obvious people don’t mean it in a nasty way towards their parents, they are trusting their kids with them so obviously like them so can’t see why they would be nasty and use the term in a negative way instead of the general way in which it is normally spoken.

Grandparents should WANT to spend time with their grandkids

Thesearmsofmine · 12/03/2021 07:27

YABU and no, i don’t use any childcare, grandparents or otherwise.

Pickupapigeon · 12/03/2021 07:35

It sounds like you are upset that you never had any grandparent support with your own children, and upset that you don’t have any grandchildren to look after.

FilthyforFirth · 12/03/2021 07:37

You sound so bitter and frankly unhinged that I cannot imagine your children will want you round their kids much, if at all.

PurBal · 12/03/2021 07:41

I don't like the phrase OP. Just as I don't like it when dads say they're "babysitting", nope if it's your child it's called "parenting". I agree it's semantics, but semantics are important. 🤷‍♀️

badacorn · 12/03/2021 07:43

You sound resentful of being a grandparent already and you aren’t even one! For heavens sake just say no to your daughters if they ask too much?

I agree it’s not good phrasing but I don’t think you can assume it means anyone who uses it is an ungrateful shit to the grandparents in question.

Personally I won’t get any childcare help from my baby’s grandparents at all. it is clear to me they don’t have the inclination from their comments and behaviour in the past... even before they decided to move a four hour drive away Grin

Koolandorthegang · 12/03/2021 07:54

Agree with PP. You are very wound up about an issue that hasn’t even happened to you.

You also seem annoyed that your own daughters are “leaving it so bloody late” to have children that you will be quite elderly when they come along. You don’t know that your daughters aren’t having issues with TTC and it’s pretty insensitive of you to speak this way, you’re making it all about you.

It seems like you want grandchildren, but want everything to be on your terms.

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