"Using" your parents for childcare.

[ChippyChickenChips]

I see this phrase so often, and it hits my guts.

Maybe it's just semantics, but so many people say they "use" their parents for childcare. It's so cold and well...bloody entitled.

"My friend Mandy up the road, well she "uses" her parents for childcare. Not "relies upon" or "is lucky enough to have" No, she "uses" them for it.

I'm oldish, and I have daughters who might have children soon-ish, and I would very likely be happy to take care of them for short periods to help out.

But my own life has not been a barrel of laughs, and to agree to two or three solid days a week to being "used" for childcare would be a huge commitment for me.

I might be quite happy to take care of them for 2 or 3 days a week while my daughter works, but to have it described as her "using" me for childcare makes me feel a bit......used.

So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job. Don't tell people you "use" them for it. It does not make them feel good. And you want them to feel good, because you want them to go on doing it.

And if you don't understand what I'm saying,, just search the number of people who say " I use my parents for childcare"

I mean, "USE". Maybe it's just me. It sounds really bad to me.

I can’t say I’ve ever noticed it to be honest, and I think anyone who does say it just means as an alternative to using nursery, or a childminder, as in ‘Mary uses a childminder but I use my parents’. I’ll say again though I’ve never heard it said and I’m a granny moving in grandparent circles. It also would not bother me if I heard my children or their DOs saying it.

DPs I meant. I know they appreciate me so any particular turn of phrase is by the by

Yabvu. Its semantics. You seem over invested in something which may never be an issue for you. Stick to your boundaries if you are not happy to help with looking after your future grandchildren and perhaps explore why this makes you so angry.

I say this as someone who has had no help from grandparents and 'used' childminders/nursery and pre-school for childcare, cared for a terminally ill parent and support my surviving elderly parent.

I want to be able to help my daughter's out if/When they have children as I know how bloody hard it was going it alone.

To add to my previous post, I had a fantastic relationship with my grandma and spent a lot of time with her growing up. We were close until her death when I was in my thirties. I'm sad my kids won't have that closeness with thier grandparents.

From what I remember as a kid, I much preferred going to my nans than I did nursery, but she had a farm so we spent most of the time outside playing!

We have a dd and my mum the last year has looked after her quite alot(made redundant and couldnt afford full time nursery)! My mum certainly doesnt see it as child care, she just loves spending time with her grandchild, my mum has gone through alot the last 2 years and no longer works so looking after dd takes her mind off everything

I will openly hold my hands up and say I probably use this phrase! Not all the time but I haven’t ever thought about it, thank you for enlightening me!

I think it’s jealously on my part. My parents use the phrase “we have done our time we only want to be grandparents” which I find equally offensive. I feel like I can never ask them to help even in an emergency or to help ever so we feel very much alone raising our children. (Yes I know we made that choice it’s just jealousy that others get a bit of time alone occasionally, dinner out, someone to help with older children when in labour)

I am jealous but hopefully in a few years I can get a babysitter for a few hours child free once our youngest is old enough (still a baby so not comfortable leaving then plus bloody Covid)

But I will try to stop using the phrase xx person is using their parents for childcare.

@Mylovelyhorsee glad I’m not the only working parent that has their heart strings pulled when they see children having a lovely time with grands parents. Definitely jealous my children will never have that relationship / bonding time. I’m excited for 30 odd years away when I get to do this 🥰

I agree, OP.

"So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job."
Sounds really bad to me, and this isn't just semantics. This is the usual assumption that childcare is the woman's problem, while men bring in the money for their family.