"Using" your parents for childcare.

[ChippyChickenChips]

I see this phrase so often, and it hits my guts.

Maybe it's just semantics, but so many people say they "use" their parents for childcare. It's so cold and well...bloody entitled.

"My friend Mandy up the road, well she "uses" her parents for childcare. Not "relies upon" or "is lucky enough to have" No, she "uses" them for it.

I'm oldish, and I have daughters who might have children soon-ish, and I would very likely be happy to take care of them for short periods to help out.

But my own life has not been a barrel of laughs, and to agree to two or three solid days a week to being "used" for childcare would be a huge commitment for me.

I might be quite happy to take care of them for 2 or 3 days a week while my daughter works, but to have it described as her "using" me for childcare makes me feel a bit......used.

So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job. Don't tell people you "use" them for it. It does not make them feel good. And you want them to feel good, because you want them to go on doing it.

And if you don't understand what I'm saying,, just search the number of people who say " I use my parents for childcare"

I mean, "USE". Maybe it's just me. It sounds really bad to me.

I'd love to be able to say that I "use" my parents for childcare. Won't happen anytime soon though as they can't be bothered. They barely ever see their grandkids as we live far away. I'm a single parent so yeah, I was kind of hoping to catch a break every now and then when we go to see them on holiday. Nope. Well, their loss. They also can't be bothered to come and visit (but have no problem with me handling a 13h plane trip with two very young kids to come and visit, and then won't even offer to help while I recover from jet lag). Thank heaven for Covid, at least I have a good excuse to not bother.

Sorry if I sound bitter but GPs providing childcare (if it can be called that for a few days a year) does not exist in my reality. So yeah, I do agree that people who are so lucky should be appreciative. But I also think that the whole "use" thing is pretty much semantics and it's the children's attitude, rather than the words they use, that matter.

Different meanings of the word. Can mean ‘exploit’ but can also be a neutral term of description. The descriptor surely depends on the context and the question asked. ‘What childcare do you use?’ ‘I use my parents’. It’s pretty usual to repeat the verb used in the question in the reply and it’s a statement of fact. I’m not sure it’s necessary to always change to a deferential term in every context. Im sure there are parents who expect and assume their parents will do childcare but I think it’s very common that grandparents request this. If the request comes from them it’s not really a case of relying on them or lucky enough to have them to do childcare. You can feel gratitude that they want to have your child and build a relationship etc but that’s not quite the same

I see the word 'used' in this context very often. It's not something I've given much thought to, but you're right, OP. It's a poor use of words, and the (at best subconscious) implication is bad

That's my grouse. In a post that is about something completely different, an AIBU about my husband, my job, my sister, whatever, it will just be chucked in that I "USE my parent/in laws for childcare"

Of course they don't capitalise it like I have. But it capitalises in my head when I read it. I wouldn't have started the bloody thread if it hadn't started to get on my tits, the way people casually "use" their parents for childcare.

If people just said "I'm really lucky that my parents look after my kids 2 days a week" it wouldn't register at all. But they see it as "using" them.

It's become such a common statement that I felt I had to stand up and
"call them out" on it. After all, every other AIBU post wants to call somebody out on something. This is my call out. My bete noir, My limit of tolerating lazy language. Please don't say you are "using" your parents, when they kindly look after you children for you, to a greater or lesser extent.

For information purposes, my children never had any live grandparents so they were really no use at all.

There is also the scenario where grandparents demand to have the children and the parents would rather they didn’t really but keep the peace. Which is not really a case of parents ‘being lucky’. No grandparent should feel obliged to have the children, children shouldn’t feel obliged to have grandparents care either.
And it’s not only mothers, childcare allows the fathers to work just as much as the mothers

I know some friends of my DP's who were put under enormous pressure (emotional blackmail) to provide childcare, some with the implication if they won't help they won't see their GC's otherwise.

That happened with my friends. It wasn't brutally spelled out, but it was absolutely evident that this would be their only chance of having much of a relationship with them. They even had to do the pick ups and drop offs most of the time (40 mins each way, beginning and end of the day, two and a half hours in the car each day for my friends). That was two days a week. It knackered them, but they felt they had no choice.

This is a fully semantic issue. Use clearly has a negative connection for you, but it doesn't for everyone. Use in this context clearly doesn't mean "take advantage of" or "abuse".

I think you're reading it to mean "exploit" when the first definition in the dictionary is take, hold, or deploy (something) as a means of accomplishing or achieving something; employ.
I used my mum for childcare. Not in an exploitative way. She was free to say no at any time. And I paid her for it. She would also say I used her for childcare if asked.

However I disagree that GP's can always just say "no"

I agree with you. I'm not a grandparent but I have lots of friends who are They often look after their grandchildren in the evening or even overnight when they don't really want to. An afternoon barbecue with neighbours which could be quite fun for us in our mid-sixties is overtaken by their grandchildren who they are "looking after"
I don't have grandchildren yet, I hope I do eventually, But looking after your children's children can impinge on your daily life. My daughters are leaving it so bloody late that I might be in my dotage before any grandchildren finally appear.

I suppose what I'm saying is that grandparents just want to be grandparents. That's the ideal. Being sucked into being childcare is not the ideal. Trust me. When you hit 65 you know your days are numbered. You don't want your days and your time to be encumbered by the commitment you feel you have to your children and their children. That's for them to deal with. Just like I had to do when I was 25 with no family support at a crucial time.

My grandparents died before I was born, and likewise, my parents died when my children were babies so we never had a granny or grandad thing going on,. My daughters have never had grandparents, not even on my husbands side, They were dead too. Those people who gripe and complain that their parents promised this and promised that, give a thought to those of us who had no parents at all to promise anything.

Some folks do not actually realise how bloody lucky they are.

You either help your kids or you don’t. Getting hung up on a non issue is a bit pointless.

Just looking at the votes. I am happy with them. To have over a third agree with me is way more than I expected.

I'm such an idiot. Of course all the people who think IABU are the ones who rely on their parents for childcare and whose parents are happy to do it {Well maybe not happy but they feel very much obliged}

So. They love their grandchild so they can't say they don't want to look after said child for 2 or3 days a week. Trust me. They do not want that responsibility.

Do not give it chocolate buttons. Do not let it go to sleep outside of specific nap hours. Do adhere to my specific instructions. Do not, not ever give it fresh fruit because it might rot their teeth if that should happen twice in a day. Do not give them any food that's not on my list of approved foods. My child might very well be allergic to any and everything that I have not personally fed it myself in a controlled situation.

Looking after other people's kids must be a nigthmare nowadays,

It was much simpler in the 80s. None of my charges suffered any anaphylictic shock from having a walk in the woods.

Nowadays, I'd bet most of them have been primed to have some sort of allergy thingy.

I do think people need to be a bit more considerate when asking GPs to be part of the childcare plan. Most are likely to say yes even if they dont want too. My parents are in their late 60's now. No way would I ask them to look after a 1 year old all day - its exhausting!

You're latest update makes me think you're generally pissed off about kids upbringing these days though. The rant makes you sound irrational tbh. I also think its a matter of semantics, and you're using it as fuel for your fire.

YABU to object to this expression that I have never really heard myself but YANBU to want to set limits on how much you personally may want to help. Your DD should not assume you want or are able to provide x days free care per week.

@ChippyChickenChips

Whilst I'm losing on the posts, I'm winning on the votes. It's probably grandparents reading but not having time to post because they're babysitting.

That’s quite a stretch explanation for why people aren’t piling in to agree with you!

@saraclara

I know some friends of my DP's who were put under enormous pressure (emotional blackmail) to provide childcare, some with the implication if they won't help they won't see their GC's otherwise.

That happened with my friends. It wasn't brutally spelled out, but it was absolutely evident that this would be their only chance of having much of a relationship with them. They even had to do the pick ups and drop offs most of the time (40 mins each way, beginning and end of the day, two and a half hours in the car each day for my friends). That was two days a week. It knackered them, but they felt they had no choice.

This doesn’t have to be intentional. We work long hours, regularly catch up at work on the weekends not to mention housework etc. we rarely see both sets of grandparents on a weekend and reasonably often see neither. If we weren’t close by and they helped occasionally with childcare they wouldn’t see a lot of us. More than our friends see, but not a lot.

You’re very wound up about this, and it’s not even happening to you OP. Seems like a complete non issue.

When exMIL provided childcare for DS before school age, we paid her for it. I probably wouldn’t have said ‘use’ then, I just said ‘MIL provides our childcare’ or ‘DS is with Nanny on x, y and z days’ even though she was paid.

@ChippyChickenChips

I see this phrase so often, and it hits my guts.

Maybe it's just semantics, but so many people say they "use" their parents for childcare. It's so cold and well...bloody entitled.

"My friend Mandy up the road, well she "uses" her parents for childcare. Not "relies upon" or "is lucky enough to have" No, she "uses" them for it.

I'm oldish, and I have daughters who might have children soon-ish, and I would very likely be happy to take care of them for short periods to help out.

But my own life has not been a barrel of laughs, and to agree to two or three solid days a week to being "used" for childcare would be a huge commitment for me.

I might be quite happy to take care of them for 2 or 3 days a week while my daughter works, but to have it described as her "using" me for childcare makes me feel a bit......used.

So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job. Don't tell people you "use" them for it. It does not make them feel good. And you want them to feel good, because you want them to go on doing it.

And if you don't understand what I'm saying,, just search the number of people who say " I use my parents for childcare"

I mean, "USE". Maybe it's just me. It sounds really bad to me.

Another goady post But I guess we’re all bored with lockdown So if this is all that worries you, the use of the word uses, hallelujah

@Justanotherdragact

You’re very wound up about this, and it’s not even happening to you OP. Seems like a complete non issue.

Yup Drama queen- itis

The rant makes you sound irrational tbh. I also think its a matter of semantics, and you're using it as fuel for your fire

Fair comment. I didn't feel like it was a rant but if you thought that, then others might also think that.

My issue is that parents nowadays seem to think that it's a universal right to get childcare from aged grandparents. And be pissed off if they don't.Without thinking that perhaps the grandparents are just not up to the challenge. Toddlers are hard work, I'm told.

Having said that, mine were not hard work at all. They were very reasonable, just miniature adults really. I have 3 childen and Ive never had to deal with a toddler tantrum. They just didn't have them. We never crossed swords. Nothing I asked of them was unreasonable and vice versa. Nothing they asked of me was unreasonable either.

My eldest has severe LD so that might have played a part in that my younger ones realised that behaving well made life easier for us all.

It could be argued that maybe that's not the ideal way to ensure good behavior from your children. But it wasn't planned by me. It just happened that my younger children learned good behavior from an early age. They could see what was going on, and how disruptive unusual behavior { from my LD daughter} can be in a social setting.

So they were very good at not behaving abominably or having tantrums. Of course my daughter with LD continued to be a nightmare, but the other two were a doddle.

So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job.

Do men not do this? Why just mothers?

misses whole point of thread

Every family is different. My parents asked to have an active role when the DC were small and were downright offended when I asked if they’d like me to consider other options to give them a break! As my parents have got older they’ve found it more challenging and were able to tell me it wasn’t possible any more so I changed the arrangements without any problems whatsoever.
I think I used both phrases during that period - “we use my parents for childcare” and “we’re lucky enough to have my parents for childcare”.
I don’t think your issue is actually with the verb “to use”; as PP have pointed out, it doesn’t necessarily mean to exploit. It sounds like your worries are around parents having an expectation of grandparent childcare which I agree would be unreasonable.

YABU. It’s just semantics.

It’s probably good you’re not a grandmother as you seem to have such disdain for any future grandchildren you may have.

Ultimately, what your irrational rant stems from is the fact that you didn’t have grandparents to rely on to look after your children and you’re bitter about that - hence going on about wanting people to gush about how lucky they are, making disparaging comments about how no grandparents want “the responsibility”, using words like “it” to describe children.

All you’re really doing is embarrassing yourself and showing you’ve never got over not having help yourself.

You seem to have an issue with grandparents taking care of their grandchildren, hence you massively overthinking the way people describe it. Some grandparents want to do this, and the word "use" is referenced in its meaning of "utilize/deploy" as opposed to "exploit". Personally, if someone I knew said "I am so utterly fortunate to be blessed with the kind help of my parents" every time they talked about routine childcare I would probably find them extremely irritating and a tad condescending.