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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Using" your parents for childcare.

134 replies

ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 23:18

I see this phrase so often, and it hits my guts.

Maybe it's just semantics, but so many people say they "use" their parents for childcare. It's so cold and well...bloody entitled.

"My friend Mandy up the road, well she "uses" her parents for childcare. Not "relies upon" or "is lucky enough to have" No, she "uses" them for it.

I'm oldish, and I have daughters who might have children soon-ish, and I would very likely be happy to take care of them for short periods to help out.

But my own life has not been a barrel of laughs, and to agree to two or three solid days a week to being "used" for childcare would be a huge commitment for me.

I might be quite happy to take care of them for 2 or 3 days a week while my daughter works, but to have it described as her "using" me for childcare makes me feel a bit......used.

So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job. Don't tell people you "use" them for it. It does not make them feel good. And you want them to feel good, because you want them to go on doing it.

And if you don't understand what I'm saying,, just search the number of people who say " I use my parents for childcare"

I mean, "USE". Maybe it's just me. It sounds really bad to me.

OP posts:

Enko · 12/03/2021 09:46

I am not a grandmother yet but getting to the age where that will be a possibility. I have never had my inlaws or parents able to provide regular childcare when mine were young (late teens to mid twenties now)

I have heard the phrase and I've also heard I use a childminder. I don't mind it in fact I think ita very accurate as its exactly what is happening.

Hence I have voted YABU and I'm not one of your "they use grandparents themselves"

Its your preference so ask your dd when the time comes to not use that phrase (see what I did there? ) and loke some who doesn't like the term kids for their children just accept you have a preference others do not.

PointeShoesandTutus · 12/03/2021 09:55

I’ve heard it. It’s not nice. And I feel like if it’s said in front of the child, it changes the dynamic.

We say our DD ‘goes to nursery’ and is ‘looked after by grandparents’ or ‘goes to grandma’s for tea/lunch’.

We deliberately didn’t ask our parents to commit to a set childcare arrangement, because we want our DD to have an old fashioned ‘granny’ type relationship with them, where they can do fun stuff, eat chocolate, play in the mud and be indulged as my parents see fit. If she was there daily, that wouldn’t be appropriate. But we are very, very lucky that my parents are always there if we have a crisis, and enjoy spending time with DD.

Lightwindows · 12/03/2021 10:11

I haven't personally heard anyone use the word "using" for childcare arrangements, more "look after"or "have" the child on whichever day of the week. Okay so it's a slightly poor use of language if they do but I don't think people mean it like that, but most people love and appreciate their parents with the odd exception. You can't know for a fact that no grandparents ever want to look after their grandchildren. My parents would love to help us with ours but they live 3 hours away and we've been stuck in lockdown for months.
I think that you're upset about the fact that you haven't got any grandchildren yet and also that yours didn't have grandparents , and you're projecting that into this whinge about words/allergies/whatever else is making you fed up today.

FlyNow · 12/03/2021 11:32

@CounsellorTroi

Some people absolutely love kids and others don't, same for anyone, that's why some people have ten kids and others are child free.

This is a really stupid generalisation. Loads of people love their own kids but have zero interest in other people’s/children generally. And not having/wanting your own children doesn’t mean you don’t like them.

Huh? My point is that we are all different and we all like different things. You cannot generalise and say no grandparent ever in history has wanted to look after their gc. Some do and some don't, like literally everything.

ToDoListAddict · 12/03/2021 12:01

Pre-Covid I would definitely had said my SIL "used" her parents for childcare, because she did use them!
She didn't pay them. Gave them incredibly strict rules (absolutely NO TV/Screens ALL DAY), organic/vegan/no sugar foods only (but this wasn't provided or paid for by SIL!)
I feel like she totally took advantage of her parents. When I asked them why they didn't push back on all the "rules", they said they were too scared in case they were never allowed to see the grandchildren again.

Sahm101 · 12/03/2021 12:14

Wow op you really are looking for something to wind yourself up over.
It is just a word. Just like how you use a childminder/nursery ???

Sugarandteaandmum · 12/03/2021 12:15

I'd try to avoid saying use for any human!
"We have a nanny" not "we use a nanny"±
"I work with our in-house graphic designer" not "I use the graphic designer"

Use is for institutions/service providing organisations or tools, which might be where the confusion arises, as childcare is a provision often made by an institution.

I'd feel icky saying "I use the childminder" or "I use my MIL" because it blurs the boundaries of a human and a service provider. But not everyone feels that I guess.

minniemoocher · 12/03/2021 12:17

I've heard it and am equally appalled at the expression. I also get annoyed by posts complaining that their parents won't do the childcare!

ginswinger · 12/03/2021 12:18

I totally use my parents for childcare in the same way they rely on me for shopping delieries, reconnecting the wifi (again), helping them out of that phone contract they rashly signed in the high street because the lady was ever so polite, and explaining again what Minecraft is. Interdependant relationships are nice, it take a village and all that stuff.

MitheringSunday · 12/03/2021 12:21

The only context in which I see this is when someone's complaining about something their parent or IL does with their child and the response is 'well, don't use them for childcare if you don't like it'. I've never seen it in the first person.

longdistanceclaraaa · 12/03/2021 12:24

I'm just amazed that in a thread about informal childcare there are references, including in the OP (pasted below), that it's the mother who needs the childcare. Not just in the OP, but in other comments about e.g. the sister in law needing childcare.

'So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job.'

Must still be great to be a working father with these casually sexist attitudes everywhere. No one, apparently, is doing you a favour or helping you out. It's your wife who they are helping.

Mylovelyhorsee · 12/03/2021 12:26

Off topic but anyone who does have parents to help are so very lucky. I saw loads of granny’s in the park this morning pushing buggy’s and I felt so sad for my kids that (for lots of different reasons) they don’t and will never have that.

Anordinarymum · 12/03/2021 12:31

I think when the word 'use' is in play it is because the grandparents are not being paid, so it's a double insult really.

Nobody ever helped me with my children and I had three under the age of four and worked. I know how that felt so I readily and regularly look after my grandchildren when asked and hope no-one ever says they use me

Truelymadlydeeplysomeonesmum · 12/03/2021 12:34

I think most grandparents would love to look after the grandchildren. However sometimes there is definitely an entitled expectation

I remember being at a toddler group once and a elderly lady started crying as she told us her daughter was pregnant again. It turned out that though she was managing looking after the 2 year old 5 days a week. The thought of a second demanding baby was to much. She was nearly 70 and her energy levels weren't what they used to be.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/03/2021 12:36

It’s not an expression I see used (sorry) often.

“My parents pick up x from school” is more likely.

AIMD · 12/03/2021 12:42

I think it’s a bit of a semantics issue isn’t it.

namechangetheworld · 12/03/2021 12:45

Don't worry OP, I very much doubt your daughters would be asking you for help if they did have children. You sound absolutely exhausting.

Mary46 · 12/03/2021 15:09

I think most people are thankful if they get help. I think when its presumed is not nice. I wouldnt have energy for full time child now at 48! But of course I would help where I could.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/03/2021 15:21

So. They love their grandchild so they can't say they don't want to look after said child for 2 or3 days a week. Trust me. They do not want that responsibility.

I think this is a ridiculous statement, you can't speak on behalf of every gp in the world. I think most families aren't trying to harm each other and are fully able to talk about things like this.

LilMidge01 · 12/03/2021 16:18

@ChippyChickenChips

I'm such an idiot. Of course all the people who think IABU are the ones who rely on their parents for childcare and whose parents are happy to do it {Well maybe not happy but they feel very much obliged}

So. They love their grandchild so they can't say they don't want to look after said child for 2 or3 days a week. Trust me. They do not want that responsibility.

Do not give it chocolate buttons. Do not let it go to sleep outside of specific nap hours. Do adhere to my specific instructions. Do not, not ever give it fresh fruit because it might rot their teeth if that should happen twice in a day. Do not give them any food that's not on my list of approved foods. My child might very well be allergic to any and everything that I have not personally fed it myself in a controlled situation.

Looking after other people's kids must be a nigthmare nowadays,

It was much simpler in the 80s. None of my charges suffered any anaphylictic shock from having a walk in the woods.

Nowadays, I'd bet most of them have been primed to have some sort of allergy thingy.

Are you complaining about the semantics of the word 'use' and how it feels cold and heartless....whilst describing a hypothetical child as 'it' rather than 'them'?

MessAllOver · 12/03/2021 16:39

This is bizarre. Do you want grandchildren or not? On the one hand, you say your daughters are leaving it so "bloody late". On the other hand, you don't seem to like the idea of being involved with them that much.

We waited to have children until we could afford to pay for childcare. Partly because we don't live near grandparents and partly because, great as they are, we knew they wouldn't want to do regular childcare for us and we would prefer to use formal childcare. I know that many parents who have children at a younger age (and so are often less well off materially) do so on the mutual understanding that their own parents will provide some childcare. Both sides are happy with this arrangement. If you don't want to be "on call" for childcare, surely all you need to do is make that clear to your daughters and then they can take that into account when deciding if they can afford children.

Cam2020 · 12/03/2021 16:52

It doesn't sound very nice, but then I've never heard anyone say that!

mytwocats · 12/03/2021 16:54

I know I'm going to get kicked with this,but,before anyone has children they must realise their life will change for a very long time,if you have to use anyone then you should not have them,they are your responsibility,& no one elses.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 12/03/2021 17:09

@mytwocats

Perhaps you want to tell that to the men who fuck off and leave women trying to raise children and work to pay the bills on their own.

Of course my children are my responsibility. I used/paid/relied on my mum for childcare so I could work. Because that's what being responsible is.

MiddleParking · 12/03/2021 17:12

@mytwocats

Another one whose parents didn’t like them and they want to blame everyone else for it. Try not being intolerable and maybe they’d have been more inclined to help out?

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