"Using" your parents for childcare.

[ChippyChickenChips]

I see this phrase so often, and it hits my guts.

Maybe it's just semantics, but so many people say they "use" their parents for childcare. It's so cold and well...bloody entitled.

"My friend Mandy up the road, well she "uses" her parents for childcare. Not "relies upon" or "is lucky enough to have" No, she "uses" them for it.

I'm oldish, and I have daughters who might have children soon-ish, and I would very likely be happy to take care of them for short periods to help out.

But my own life has not been a barrel of laughs, and to agree to two or three solid days a week to being "used" for childcare would be a huge commitment for me.

I might be quite happy to take care of them for 2 or 3 days a week while my daughter works, but to have it described as her "using" me for childcare makes me feel a bit......used.

So mothers of children who are looked after by grandparents in order for you to be able to keep your job. Don't tell people you "use" them for it. It does not make them feel good. And you want them to feel good, because you want them to go on doing it.

And if you don't understand what I'm saying,, just search the number of people who say " I use my parents for childcare"

I mean, "USE". Maybe it's just me. It sounds really bad to me.

So. They love their grandchild so they can't say they don't want to look after said child for 2 or3 days a week. Trust me. They do not want that responsibility.

It is so sad that you seem determined to complain on behalf of grandparents based on your belief that nobody could actually enjoy looking after their grandchildren. And that you believe that adult children and parents cannot have a functioning relationship in which they discuss and agree what works for them.

Perhaps you might feel happier if you focused your attention elsewhere? This issue seems to be uncovering quite a lot of quite dark and resentful feelings on your part and I'm sure your daughters know you feel this way, so it's unlikely that they will ever even attempt to 'use' you for childcare which must be a relief!

I don't think it's something people say about their own parents, it's something (maybe slightly jealous) people say about others.

I was always incredibly grateful that my DC were cared for by GPs and GPs were grateful to have that time too, although it was only 2 days pw. I do think longer would have been unreasonable and may have become a chore on both sides, but everyone is different.

Don't look after your grankids if you are going to get so uptight and prickly about it. You sound a bit of a nightmare and I suspect your daughters would prefer to 'use' almost anyone else for childcare.

If I get to be a granny and in a position to help my daughters with my grandchildren, I will consider it an enormous privilege, not a reason to scrabble about for an excuse to whinge on the internet.

I’ve heard the phrase being used many times. My DD would say it to describe the childcare she has - She uses me one day, nursery 2 days, the other granny 1 day and is at home on the other days. She doesn’t tell me shes ‘using’ me as in exploiting me! If I were to explain to someone else where childcare arrangements, I’d explain it in the same way.

I don’t have an issue with the term.

I’ve only seen it on here. It’s an odd turn of phrase, in real life it would more likely be said ‘my parents do childcare’, ‘little Johnny goes to my parents for childcare’ and so on.

I don't recall hearing this from anyone I know. "My Mum has X one day a week" or "My mum lookd after the kids one day a week" or "my parents help out with childcare".

But even IF people did say "use" i think you're being a bit OTT in your reaction to it.

Never had help we just paid for childcare. Op I do agree its expected with some they will childmind. Ties your days too. Would like think I help out but not full time care. Some children are entitled. My mam made it clear she reared her own. Fair enough. Zero help.

I suppose what I'm saying is that grandparents just want to be grandparents. That's the ideal. Being sucked into being childcare is not the ideal. Trust me. When you hit 65 you know your days are numbered. You don't want your days and your time to be encumbered by the commitment you feel you have to your children and their children. That's for them to deal with.

Trust me. They do not want that responsibility.

You sound really bitter. You cannot presume to know what ALL grandparents think and feel. YOU don’t want to feel used and have that responsibility, that’s fine that’s up to you. MY parents absolutely choose to and know they can stop at anytime.

I never had a grandma growing up either, both my parents lost their mothers in childhood. This hasn’t made them bitter but maybe it’s why they enjoy being grandparents so much and want to help look after their grandchildren.

Your rant about allergies is a bit bizarre. I’ve never felt the need to impose restrictions on what my parents choose to feed the children. Except to say don’t feel obligated to buy expensive food items!

I do agree I hear this all the time - "Can't you use grandparents for childcare?" Etc?

Depends on how it’s meant, IMO.

As a Gp who’s done some regular childcare in the past (I offered) I wouldn’t have been offended if I’d heard my dd use that expression, since I’d have been well aware that she didn’t mean it in the exploitative sense of ‘using’.

She would probably have worded it differently, though.

How can you presume to speak for all grandparents OP? How do you know that absolutely none of them want to look after their grandchildren ever? You sound really bitter and seem to be projecting your own issues onto everyone else. What about the grandparents who had help from their own parents, see it as the norm, and enjoy doing it? Or do they not exist because that isn't what happened to you?

*I don't object to that of course! It's just the casual use of the term "using", rather than " relying upon" . You know, some sort ofacknowledgement that you are lucky enough to have that.

It's not like anybody can just "use" that facility*

Not everyone has a car, but you still say you use a car. Not everyone has a home gym, but you still say you use it. If its because you're "lucky" to have that "facility" then why doesn't it apply to everything which some people are lucky to have and others aren't.

I’m not sure why you’re so determined that GPs are secretly not wanting to do regular childcare.

Personally I was emotionally blackmailed into “letting” my MIL do childcare one day a week. She wanted more but I wanted dc to settle into nursery the other two days I worked (3 in total).

Not all Gp are reluctant in this arrangement.

I suppose what I'm saying is that grandparents just want to be grandparents. That's the ideal. Being sucked into being childcare is not the ideal. Trust me. When you hit 65 you know your days are numbered. You don't want your days and your time to be encumbered by the commitment you feel you have to your children and their children. That's for them to deal with

SOME grandparents feel like this. My parents loved having my daughter one day a week. They were really disappointed when I gave up work, as they wouldn't have her one day a week anymore. They still have her regularly and ask to have her more often. They're not obliged to do it and they're not being used.

You sound very bitter, and about a situation you aren’t even in!

I have never had any help from family - not even in emergencies. But I don’t begrudge those who do. I do feel sorry for your daughters and future grandchildren, if this is your attitude towards them.

If you don't want to be "used" OP, you can say no...

This seems a very strange thing to get so uptight about since you don't even have GC. Surely they way parents act is more important. If they are unappreciative of the help they receive from GPs in regards to childcare and make the GP feel used then this would be more reasonable. GP looking after GC should be mutually beneficial otherwise GPs should be able to say no. I can't imagine why you would get so upset over poor word choice if yoi were being shown that your help was appreciated (although you aren't actually in this situation anyway).

I agree with you that "use" is a little cold and entitled, OP, but....

Please don't complain about parents "using" grandparents for childcare and then also complain about your DDs leaving it so late to have children. They may be making sure they're in a financial position to have children and care for them without needing help from grandparents. Childcare is extortionate and parents (especially without family help) need to plan for this.

The other thing I would say is that it does seem to differ geographically and amongst different communities. I live in London and, amongst my friends, very few get any regular help from grandparents (we don't, though ours visit when they can). Those that do tend to come from communities where close-knit family living arrangements and intergenerational help are more common and grandparents live locally. In other parts of the country, grandparent help seems a lot more common. My cousins and friends where I grew up all seem to have grandparent help. So the norm is different in different communities.

Glad you’re not my mum 🙈

She loves having the kids, yes it’s tiring but she always wants them to sleepover etc & asks can she help. We don’t need childcare as I’m on mat leave & the eldest are in school, but prior to covid she did some school picks up etc.

I actually think she loves her grandkids more than she loves me, which I don’t mind at all! So actually, I don’t feel you (who don’t have grandchildren) can speak for all grandparents?! What a bizarre sense of entitlement you have!

When I become a grandparent, I’m hoping I’ll be able to ‘help out’ with the kids as family is so important to me. Guess we all have different priorities don’t we?

Also, I would say that we're happy with our choice of childcare. Although we would like our DS to see his grandparents more often, they are older grandparents and he has a much more healthy and active life at nursery running around with other children than he would if they were caring for him full-time. His grandparents are great but they do find him exhausting and the TV comes on after a bit. Maybe this isn't such an issue with younger grandparents though.

It's just the casual use of the term "using", rather than "relying upon"

You are being unreasonable.

It’s semantics.

But the tone of your thread changes when you go on to refer to children as “it”.

I think I can safely assume that your daughters won’t be “using” you for childcare. And I don’t blame them.

Maybe it's just semantics, but so many people say they "use" their parents for childcare. It's so cold and well...bloody entitled

It is just semantics are you are being very very silly.

Some people absolutely love kids and others don't, same for anyone, that's why some people have ten kids and others are child free.

This is a really stupid generalisation. Loads of people love their own kids but have zero interest in other people’s/children generally. And not having/wanting your own children doesn’t mean you don’t like them.

I guess a lot of attitudes around grandparents and childcare is to do with the way individual families have worked these things out over several generations, in my case I had lovely relationships with my dgps, who had us quite regularly as 'babysitters' but for socialising reasons as my mum didnt work. Im pretty sure they enjoyed having us. My mum was fantastic when my dd was small, I was a lone parent and no way could I have afforded childcare so my mum stepped in, I know both she and my dd loved it, dd is an adult now and has a very close and loving relationship with my parents who still like to have her to themselves, particuarly when my grandson is with her
I have loved having my grandson, I had him 3 mornings a week and then dropped him at nursery, Today I will be collecting him from school, we will have a picnic pizza tea on the lounge floor while watching a film of his choice and then a selection of haribo (I like the red ones)

Yhe main thing is though, all these generations of women would never have put up with being 'used', that smacks of piss taking!, We have had our grandchildren because we were lucky enough to be able to and we loved them and their mothers realised that they too were lucky to have them as loving, safe childcare while also realising that we have lives of our own to live.