To feel I’ve wasted lockdown?

[MacbookHo]

I’m a writer and I’ve always wanted to write a novel. During the first lockdown I joined a writing course, got amazing feedback, got accepted onto an advanced course - which cost £1,600 so I turned it down - and then did nothing.

For me, with teenage kids who managed their own workloads, lockdown has been a peaceful time where I could have easily written a LOT every day. But instead, I’ve watched TV, read books, written letters to friends, pottered about, started a blog that I didn’t pursue, started other courses that I didn’t finish... And achieved nothing.

Im really annoyed with myself. There aren’t many chances in your life to focus on a creative project with no distractions from the outside world. I had THREE chances but I blew them all.

I’m really sickened with myself.

Move forward. What’s done is done.

I was going to lose 3 stone. Twice. Last March and this winter. I rearranged my living room with an aim to reading rather than watching tv in the evenings. I didn't and moved it back. I was going to establish a rota for chores, didn't. There will be a whole wave of this. How often do you get time to do nothing much? Doing nothing much is actually a thing too. I sometimes don't see friends (in normal times) because I want to do nothing.

Are you back at work now? Just start writing the book in the evenings and at weekends. Do you really need an advanced creative writing course? Most writers don't do one.

We're still on partial lockdown, maybe you could start today or tomorrow? I got certain things done during lockdown but a few things got sidelined...don't beat yourself up, dig deep and start that writing!

You probably didn't want to do it enough if you had the time and opportunity.

I find having too much time makes me dawdle and fanny about, procrastinating. I'm much better when life is busy and there are deadlines and I have to squeeze certain tasks in. Perhaps you're the same?

You had a very real opportunity to do one thing you feel you always wanted to do... and you didn’t do it. You can’t have wanted to that much. It sucks to find out you’re not who you thought you were but we’re still in lockdown. What have you need doing? Has that been fun?

I feel like this, which is ridiculous.

I'm off work with long Covid and chronic fatigue and it is niggling away at me that You're at home all day long and there is so much DIY needs doing and this would be a perfect opportunity.

It's utterly stupid, when many days I cannot get out of bed through tiredness. I'm several months in and feeling that I've 'wasted' this time off...

Is it a woman thing? I cannot see my DH feeling the same way.

I lost a couple of stone and then put them back on again over the winter! All that suffering for nothing, and when I most need to lose the weight.
Apart from that, I'm reasonably happy with what I've achieved in the circumstances I'm in, but I do regret not taking advantage of all the streamed culture - festivals, theatre, ballet, opera, concerts. Just didn't get round to it, other than a few things.

I thought all that 'use lockdown productively' stuff was bollocks really. Just another form of bullying to replace worrying about your appearance. People with kids/work/elderly relatives/other are knackered.

Give yourself a break, this year has been shit

Don't underestimate how mentally and emotionally draining the reality of living through the pandemic was/ is.

Most of us have found it difficult for either health or financial reasons, or both. Those difficulties get enhanced because so many of the simple pleasures of society, that normally keep you going, have been restricted or stopped for a year.

Sometimes we just need to rest our brains for a bit. You sound like you could have done more, but couldn’t we all? We could all be brain surgeons or rocket scientists if we put our minds to it. You connected with friends, stimulated your mind by reading books, rested, learned that writing a blog doesn’t do it for you and saved £1600.

That’s not bad at all!

I'm a writer too and could say something similar (without the course tbf) except that I've done a fucktonne of writing in my head, which is a very important part of the creative process imo. I have one writing project properly in hand and another being added to in small increments when I need a break, but I also have three novels fully plotted in my head. Now that my kids (who are a similar age to yours) are going back to school and life is gearing up to go back to something like a normal pace, I'm ready to knuckle down and actually flesh out the work I've been doing in my head. Just as nature has a burgeoning season, so too do creatives. Don't talk yourself down. Lockdown has been a gift for people like you and me. Now is the time to use it.

Well you can fixate on that, or reframe it as research gathering to use when that story you just have to get out of your system bumps to the fore. Who knows what pivotal plot point you’ve absorbed, perhaps it is just there lurking to be utilised. Get some ideas and characters noted down, sometimes things evolve not the way you imagine. Less daunting than writing your whole book.

I’ve lost weight, than put it back on, starting exercising last summer properly, then stopped and now unfitter and fatter than ever.
I’m trying not to beat myself up, as winter lockdown has been so shit.

You had a very real opportunity to do one thing you feel you always wanted to do... and you didn’t do it. You can’t have wanted to that much. It sucks to find out you’re not who you thought you were

A slightly extreme reading of the situation!

Give yourself a break @MacbookHo

I feel similar. Not a writer but I should have used this time to get a new website sorted, take photos, do filming. I couldn’t muster any motivation. I think it was about basic survival and taking each day at a time. I couldn’t fit anything else challenging in my head despite the time.
I managed to exercise, take the dog out, bit of home school supervision, make sure everyone was fed. Nothing else though.

I’m drawing a line under it and I find now the kids are back at school I’m feeling a bit more motivated. This year will have drained us all mentally far more than we realise.

Just look forward and forward and don’t be so hard on yourself.

My DH always says you obviously didn’t want something that badly if you didn’t make it happen and that’s probably true. Don’t kick yourself, there’s absolutely no point. It’s over now, you can’t hit a rewind button. If you’re a writer. surely you have all the time in the world to write anyway...

I’ve always wanted to write and I didn’t do any writing in any of the lockdowns 😂 At least you made use of the first one! Just get on and do the rest now if you can.

Before people say I can’t really have wanted to write that much then, actually I don’t think that’s true, I have been struggling with stress/anxiety/depression/burnout/grief and just can’t do it right now. I think my chances of writing something will be better when we aren’t living in a really stressful pandemic situation any more! (Also I had to work the whole time anyway as a GP so it should not like I actually had any extra time on my hands and work has been more stressful not less than usual).

Totally agree with the op who said the whole pressure to be productive in a global pandemic was ridiculous in the first place.

Guys we have survived a global pandemic, is that not enough?!

Don't beat yourself up like this OP.

You say you are a writer- is that your full time job?
So you have been writing other stuff during lockdown, just not your novel?

Lost my job and been really struggling to get a new one - so wasted so much time on job applications that never got back to me...

Then started candle making workshops and small business a few months ago that kicked off really well - but still feel very guilty for not coming up this idea earlier..

Then started candle making workshops and small business a few months ago that kicked off really well - but still feel very guilty for not coming up this idea earlier..*

Please don't do this to yourself.
Be glad you started your candle business now, rather in 10 years time or never.

you're experiencing "the Resistance". There's an excellent book, "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield. Read it!!

Watch this for more info about the book and the Resistance!,

It's a masterwork which has helped no end of artists and writers work through their difficulties with getting started and keeping going :)

I very highly recommend it.