To feel I’ve wasted lockdown?

[MacbookHo]

I’m a writer and I’ve always wanted to write a novel. During the first lockdown I joined a writing course, got amazing feedback, got accepted onto an advanced course - which cost £1,600 so I turned it down - and then did nothing.

For me, with teenage kids who managed their own workloads, lockdown has been a peaceful time where I could have easily written a LOT every day. But instead, I’ve watched TV, read books, written letters to friends, pottered about, started a blog that I didn’t pursue, started other courses that I didn’t finish... And achieved nothing.

Im really annoyed with myself. There aren’t many chances in your life to focus on a creative project with no distractions from the outside world. I had THREE chances but I blew them all.

I’m really sickened with myself.

I wanted to walk lots more, sort out my photographs, lose weight. But I've worked all the way through.

The first one very nearly broke me with awful, noisy neighbours and no sleep. This time I'm still recovering. I feel like I've done very little.

But are surviving a global pandemic. That is an achievement in itself.

@OutComeTheWolves If it wasn’t crippling the economy, small businesses, and my hair, I’d fully support another lockdown. 😆

@ZaraW

You probably didn't want to do it enough if you had the time and opportunity

I have pondered this - for weeks, while I avoided my desk - and I don’t think it’s this. It looks like this. But inside, I think it’s just fear. Fear the book will be crap. I think it’s perfectionism.

I also suspect I might have ADHD, but haven’t got round to getting a diagnosis.

@BigSandyBalls2015 - your name is hilarious. 😂 Yes, what’s that saying - if you want something done, give it to a busy person.

Maybe I should make a to-do list every day.

@Soundbyte

It sucks to find out you’re not who you thought you were

Sadly, this is exactly who I thought I was - a scared, lazy, procrastinator! It sucks to be proven right. 😱

@IrisW

We’re all just doing our best and there’s still time for you to do more writing. I hope this lovely message of support means that I’ll get a mention in the dedication section of your book.

There will be a lovely supporting character called Iris in my book, in your honour. 💐 But you know, don’t hold your breath.

I do regret not taking advantage of all the streamed culture - festivals, theatre, ballet, opera, concerts.

Don't regret it - you've proved to yourself that these things lose a major part of their value when not experienced live.

I don't possess a TV but have watched more streamed TV this year than in the past ten years put together. On the other hand I'm strangely not watching all the staged work I have stacked up, not even the stuff I've paid for.

But yes, so far I and my family are still here. I count that as an achievement.

@NovemberR It's utterly stupid, when many days I cannot get out of bed through tiredness. I'm several months in and feeling that I've 'wasted' this time off...

You’ve been resting, which your body needed! TBH you’ve done exactly what you should have done.

@Cuesday I do regret not taking advantage of all the streamed culture - oh yes, me too! I did watch all 9 series of the US Office, though, plus Staged, The Bold Type oh, and a live interview with Kazuo Ishiguro and 5 minutes of some ballet thing.

OP, you said you could have got so much done ' with no distractions from the outside world.'
What ?! I nearly spat my tea out. It's not exactly been a normal, peaceful, not very worrying time has it ? As a pp said, we survived a global pandemic. All of us in different ways, and with different outcomes, but it certainly wasn't a walk in the park for anyone.
Start today. Make a plan. No more regrets. Anyway, you're thinking about it, so you did learn something!

I think for some of us lockdown did give us the opportunity to do that thing which we had always thought we wanted to do. You might have to accept that really you didn't want to do it, not enough to use the time. So move on. I was the same, there was something I did do, but there was a couple of things which I thought I would do if I had the time, but when the time was there it turned out I didn't do them.

@ChameleonClara Give yourself a break, this year has been shit - thank you.

@AbsentmindedWoman Don't underestimate how mentally and emotionally draining the reality of living through the pandemic was/ is - actually, the first lockdown was awful, wasn’t it? Scary and weird. I’d forgotten that.

@BlueDaysTillChristmas - I have saved £1,600! Which I plan to spaff on haircuts and hair dye as soon as the salons open. #shallow #priorities

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague - thank you! And well done on all your “mental” creativity. Do update this thread when you get those 3 novels published. By then, I’ll probably have nearly finished choosing a font and be ready to make a real start on my dedication page.

@PopAyetheSailorMam - yes, definitely time to stop fixating on what I haven’t done. It’s really not inspiring! 😆 Thank you.

@Twitching123 and @Delatron - welcome to my Lockdown Regret club. When you say what you haven’t done, it sounds perfectly understandable to me. I get it.

@Norwaydidnthappen - I do write most if the tone, on non-fiction stuff. After lockdown I’ll be going back to the p/t job I do to get me out of the house and out of my own head. Lockdown has shown me that I actually dread that job. So writing full-time is my dream - so I should’ve/could’ve spent this time sending out ideas, pitches, blog posts etc to build that up so I can quit the p/t job. Hmm... actually writing that has helped me get that sorted in my head. Thank you.

@Amdone123 What ?! I nearly spat my tea out. It's not exactly been a normal, peaceful, not very worrying time has it ? I guess, when you put it like that... 😂

Creativity has taken a massive hit during this for lots of people. Normally I can't stop making art, learning new skills, creating stuff.

I started selling my crafts before Christmas, intending to develop more art based projects this year. I've done nothing for weeks apart from recreate things I've made in the past. I just don't have it in me right now. But it will come back, I've had dormant periods before when there's been lots of external stress stuff going on, so I'm expecting to hit a massive burst of creativity soon!

I found this article really helpful to explain why so many have struggled with motivation this last year. Hope it helps! You're v much not alone OP

elemental.medium.com/your-surge-capacity-is-depleted-it-s-why-you-feel-awful-de285d542f4c

If it was the Curtis Brown course, you didn't miss much. I basically paid £1,600 to give other people feedback on their work, who then got literary agents from it when I didn't.

I am an academic writer and I've found this last lockdown to be very unproductive in terms of writing. I've had to make, bribe, and will myself to even engage at all, and that's my job!

The first and second ones weren't quite so bad, as we didn't know how long it would last and the weather was nicer. This last one was grim all round in our household and in the end I had to just resort to doing the day to day parts of my job (teaching, admin) and park the brilliant writing for another day.

I'm slowly getting my writing mojo back, lately in the past three weeks I've been writing 1 to 1 1/2 hours a day and the thing is, as you will know if you write for a living, once you are in that state of flow, you write tonnes even in a short space of time.

Good luck, it is never 'over' in terms of opportunities to write.

If it's any consolation, my late dad left me some old film magazines. I wasn't going to do anything with them and they've been sat in my garage for a year. 3 weeks ago I finally got them out and put them all on ebay. I even quite enjoyed doing it and now I get to see the rewards :)

[quote MacbookHo]@Soundbyte

It sucks to find out you’re not who you thought you were

Sadly, this is exactly who I thought I was - a scared, lazy, procrastinator! It sucks to be proven right. 😱[/quote]
You’ve told yourself that you can’t do it so you haven’t.
Start today.

1000 words per day is too daunting starting out. Aim for 200. It makes it easy to get started as it's "only" 200 but you'll almost always surpass it once you get going. Even if you dont go over the 200 you'll feel a sense of achievement that you reached your daily target and it will keep up morale.

This is how I started and once the words start snowballing it keeps you motivated to do more and more. I had a first draft in four months by telling myself I only had to do 200 words per day. Good luck!

Maybe you don't want to write a novel as much as you think?

@InconvenientPeg - thank you. Sorry you’re going through this too, but here’s to our second wave of creativity. 🥂 Whenever it appears...

@Destinysdaughter - that article was brilliant. Thanks for posting that. Interestingly, I have done all of the self-care stuff it mentions at the end: ”The areas he specifically advocates focusing on are sleep, nutrition, exercise, meditation, self-compassion, gratitude, connection, and saying no.” I’ve started meditating, read the Power of Now, joined a 12-step online group, walked, got a brilliant sleep routine, lost a stone, connected with friends.. Maybe it’s time for the compassion now. THANK YOU.

@SenecaTrewe - it WAS the Curtis brown course! I’m so sorry it was as bad for feedback as I’d wondered. I did the two shorter novel courses and the people (other students) were lovely, but feedback was sparse. Well done for doing it though. It’s going to look great when you apply to other agents. Surely?

@SignsofSpring - and the thing is, as you will know if you write for a living, once you are in that state of flow, you write tonnes even in a short space of time. Yes. I wrote loads of freelance stuff in the summer. But they had strict deadlines and people wanting things from me. It’s the self-imposed deadlines I struggle with. Just sitting down... I’m going to start today, instead of waiting to get that writing feeling. Thanks for understanding!

@Funkyslippers - the secret is in your post: “I even quite enjoyed doing it”. Once you start, it’s fun. Well done you! Hope you make a mint.

@Reinventinganna - Oops, yes. Self-fulfilling underachievement. Start today. I will. Thank you.

@Sunhoop I had a first draft in four months by telling myself I only had to do 200 words per day. Good luck! OMG, seriously? Oh that’s inspiring. I had resigned myself to it taking years. 200 words is much less terrifying than 1,000.

Have you heard the saying 'if you want something done, give it to a busy person'?

If I have 'nothing to do' I seem to do less. Have a lot to do and I accomplish that and more.

I think lockdown has removed so much joy that it's hard to find motivation to do anything at all.

@TotorosFurryBehind - The issue also is that I want, secretly, to write an AMAZING novel that is an instant bestseller. Turns out, that’s a crap goal as it makes you second-guess all your ideas.

Lockdown was hard enough without putting expectations on yourself to excel. Nothing wrong with taking time to clear your head.