To feel I’ve wasted lockdown?

[MacbookHo]

I’m a writer and I’ve always wanted to write a novel. During the first lockdown I joined a writing course, got amazing feedback, got accepted onto an advanced course - which cost £1,600 so I turned it down - and then did nothing.

For me, with teenage kids who managed their own workloads, lockdown has been a peaceful time where I could have easily written a LOT every day. But instead, I’ve watched TV, read books, written letters to friends, pottered about, started a blog that I didn’t pursue, started other courses that I didn’t finish... And achieved nothing.

Im really annoyed with myself. There aren’t many chances in your life to focus on a creative project with no distractions from the outside world. I had THREE chances but I blew them all.

I’m really sickened with myself.

Oh and light hearted is probably what's really needed right now! In my latest book, I purposefully kept the pandemic out of it. People read to escape

@zigaziga makes a good point, we didnt know how long it'd be which makes a difference. Yes looking back it's been a year but we dodnt know that at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I'm beating myself up for not teaching my son to ride a bike (3× now), especially as he is old to learn now and I feel it's my fault for not insisting earlier and now we had time when noone else was around to see him learning at nearly 10. He hasnt actually wanted to learn I just feel I've let him down as it's a life skill he "should" have....

But the points about chipping away a little at a time, is good. I usually am an all or nothing person and subsequently become a procrastinator as I just want to start.

I currently should be revising for an exam, but I'm sat in the sofa. The first day alone in this house for months, I feel so tired, I just need to relish quiet with no demands for food and attention. Yesterday I did a little bit and thinking about it that was an achievement and i learnt something even though it was probably only an hour's work.

Most people haven’t used lockdown productively so I wouldn’t worry!

Personally I’ve just staggered through the days, wfh full time as a single mum with two kids. But I think getting through it is an achievement!

Then again, if you really want this, just do it now. Otherwise as a pp has said, it probably isn’t something you want that much.

@macbookho, I'm glad you are finding it eye opening. It's great to put a name to that feeling isn't it. The feeling that you're the only one feeling that way and to blame for how you're feeling. Identifying it is the first step on sorting it.

I'm so glad you're finding it helpful. Try to revisit a page or two every couple of months or so to remind yourself, as it's easy to forget the info :)

Best of luck OP!

The best thing you can do as a writer to practice and learn is read other people’s work. You’ve already been doing that! Why don’t you just start now? You clearly want to so stop second guessing yourself and go for it I bet you’ll have loads of fun.

Come back and tell us the name of your novel when you’re done!

This wonderful thread is making me cry. You lot are just WONDERFUL. I really can't thank you enough. (Sitting here with a big glowing red nose and shiny eyes.)

I've finished The War of Art now, and it was the most inspiring thing I've read in YEARS. And, as we know, I've read a lot.

This is the last page. I'm posting it here as a war-cry to everyone else who's come on this (epic) thread and confessed that they're avoiding their Destiny...

THE ARTIST'S LIFE

Are you a born writer? Were you put on earth to be a painter, a scientist, an apostle of peace? In the end the question can only be answered by action.

Do it or don't do it.

It may help to think of it this way. If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don't do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children. You hurt me. You hurt the planet.

You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite the Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God.

Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It's a gift to the world and every being in it. Don't cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you've got.

Pressfield, Steven. The War of Art (pp. 164-166). Black Irish Entertainment LLC. Kindle Edition.

@Destinysdaughter First lockdown I was doing online Pilates, courses, making bread etc, this one, the most I've achieved is my highest ever score for one word in online Scrabble! ( 185 if anyone's interested )

That's awesome! I've reached level 4281 on Wordscapes. Fist-bump, fellow wordy-slacker.

@MacbookHo The only thing that got me into the habit of writing consistently for anything more than a week is the website 750 words: 750words.com/

I think it was the simplicity of it, no rules just 750 words per day. A lot of it was a load of guff I came out with but it also prised several gems out of my brain that I then used in my novel (clever sentences, bits of dialogue, place name ideas etc.) I only used it for a month as I think it switches to a paid service after the free trial, but it gave me a good jump start and got me out of my funk.

@Embroideredstars I'm beating myself up for not teaching my son to ride a bike (3× now)... I feel it's my fault for not insisting earlier and now we had time when noone else was around to see him learning at nearly 10. He hasn't actually wanted to learn I just feel I've let him down as it's a life skill he "should" have....

This comment is a real mixture of mum guilt, worry, and shame. From my lofty perspective an outsider, I totally see why this mixture clogged you up and stopped you from doing it. Should" + Urgency" + No outside motivation (your DS didn't actually want to) = Nothing.

You do not need to spend £1,600 on a writing course.

@Thehawki

The best thing you can do as a writer to practice and learn is read other people’s work. You’ve already been doing that! Why don’t you just start now? You clearly want to so stop second guessing yourself and go for it I bet you’ll have loads of fun.

Come back and tell us the name of your novel when you’re done!

Unless its a spy novel. In which case I expect you to dead drop us all a copy at somewhere like the Rivoli Bar. Please and thank you.

I’m a fiction author. I wrote my first novel around a demanding job, childcare and a stupidly busy life. I spent lockdown procrastinating on my phone. I only wrote another novel in this time because I’m contractually obliged, every sentence had to be dragged out of my head and the whole thing felt like shit from start to finish. It was terrible circumstances under which to try to be creative because I was stressed, anxious, depressed, fatigued and a million other things caused by living through a global pandemic. The book I wrote isn’t shit, I can see now, but not one word of it would have happened if it wasn’t my job and someone wasn’t effectively making me do it.

Some writers I know wanted to escape into their fictional words and were incredibly creative and productive in lockdown. Others, like me, were stuck in the longest writer’s block ever. The book I did write is riven with my anxiety; I’m currently working some of that out in edits and lifting the tone a little as it’s painfully reflective of my mental state. Don’t worry that if the words don’t spill out, you somehow aren’t a writer. Sometimes it’s a slog. I’ve tried a million ways of motivating myself - some work for a while, some don’t. But just because you didn’t write a lockdown novel doesn’t mean you won’t write one at all.

You were under no obligation during lockdown to achieve anything. Don't pressure yourself. If it's any consolation I have chatted to several writers during lockdown who said they were surprised to discover they couldn't write. They thought the extra time, the enforced hermit existence would be perfect. But actually, writers thrive on stimulation - on travel and people watching, on listening in to how people interact in cafes and on trains. It's hard to create a simulation of life when your own is so limited.

And it's never too late to start. Just open a notebook or file and get some ideas down.

Give yourself a break.

You can open your laptop and type as and when you feel ideas coming on.

I’m currently signed off sick with stress and anxiety, and feeling fatigued post Covid. DS is at nursery half the week and I feel like I should be doing more around the house, clearing out junk and doing cross stitch and reading books- and I’m not. I don’t have the energy and after doing a load of washing and making dinner I can’t face doing anything else after DS goes to bed except scrolling on my phone.

It’s a shame, but it is what it is, I am genuinely ill and tired, so I don’t think heaping more on to my plate just now is what I need.

Now you know you’re not happy, take steps to change it, but don’t beat yourself up either. Everyone’s struggling now.

I joined a writing course, got amazing feedback, got accepted onto an advanced course - which cost £1,600

lol.

Who gave you the "amazing feedback" I wonder?
The course organisers perhaps?

@speakout

I joined a writing course, got amazing feedback, got accepted onto an advanced course - which cost £1,600

lol.

Who gave you the "amazing feedback" I wonder?
The course organisers perhaps?

Don't be so nasty. It may well have been this one, which is perfectly legit and is selective. It is well known in the publishing world.

www.curtisbrowncreative.co.uk/course/writing-ya-childrens-fiction-0121/

It was the Curtis Brown novel-writing course, yes. I did the two short courses, then applied for the longer (and spendier) course, and got a place. Then balked at the price, and turned it down. Then sat around regretting that for ages a bit.

Just write a line a day for a few weeks and then a paragraph a day for a few weeks. If you're not used to doing something as a daily habit it takes time to build up the focus. Even if what you write doesn't turn out to be your book at least you'll be used to the discipline after a few months and it might take you somewhere . I think writing is like meditation where you have to train the mind not to drift off to other ideas every few minutes

@VestaTilley - thanks for being so kind, and I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful! Please have a big cosy visual hug from me. And if you're looking for fun phone distractions, TV suggestions, books, or tips on which film to watch, do please just shout. I now have an encyclopaedic knowledge!

@Soundbyte - Hi OP, I just wanted to say that my post sounds so harsh and I didn’t mean it to at all! It was meant to be more a gentle encouragement not too feel bad! I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking - it’s a good job I’m not a writer aye

Oh, bless you! It's fine. It was nothing compared to the lambasting I've been giving myself on a daily basis! You're lovely. :)

@Labobo - thank you! It's weirdly reassuring to know other people have experienced the same thing. And it's never too late to start. Just open a notebook or file and get some ideas down. Easy, there. Can I not get away with spending 3 days choosing a notebook, first? Then 16 on choosing some writing software... No, oh OK...

First lockdown I sat in the sun drinking cocktails and this lockdown I’ve watched Netflix and drunk wine! Achieved absolutely bugger all but I have no regrets! Don’t beat yourself up just enjoy probably the only time when normal life has been temporary switched off for many of us ( for key workers your amazing and hope your drunk wine and binged watch tv on your days off)!!

Should add I don’t have a drink problem

Sunshine you say, halcyon days.

Getting through it mostly intact is enough. We are where we are, there's no changing that. Don't be so hard on yourself, move forward.