To feel I’ve wasted lockdown?

[MacbookHo]

I’m a writer and I’ve always wanted to write a novel. During the first lockdown I joined a writing course, got amazing feedback, got accepted onto an advanced course - which cost £1,600 so I turned it down - and then did nothing.

For me, with teenage kids who managed their own workloads, lockdown has been a peaceful time where I could have easily written a LOT every day. But instead, I’ve watched TV, read books, written letters to friends, pottered about, started a blog that I didn’t pursue, started other courses that I didn’t finish... And achieved nothing.

Im really annoyed with myself. There aren’t many chances in your life to focus on a creative project with no distractions from the outside world. I had THREE chances but I blew them all.

I’m really sickened with myself.

don't beat yourself up op you're only human and that's the way of things sometimes.
get started, don't look back. self-flagellation is a waste of time.
Good luck - you've got this!

Start today OP. Carve some time out and make a start with writing, you’ll soon get into the swing of things. I had this epiphany at the start of Jan and have managed to lose all the weight I had gained last year (4lbs to go!) and I’ve managed to stick to a cleaning regime. I didn’t feel in the right frame of mind when I started but I just had to take that leap to start. But don’t beat yourself up OP, the past year has been so stressful for a lot of people.

Novels especially are creative fruit. It didn't come out of you because it wasn't bursting to exist. Kurt Vonnegut said the way to become a novelist is when you can't be anything else; when you absolutely must write the words & story. No guilt required if you didnt feel like that.

I’m similar.

What are you? Are you a writer or a procrastinator? Ultimately the people who write, just get on and write. Everyone else just thinks about it.

We either do it or we don’t. It’s in our hands.

YANBU. Nothing as grand as a book, but wish I’d known it would be so long, and wish I’d taken up running or something 😂

YABU for being tough on yourself. I write but my mojo has totally left me during lockdown and I know a lot of other writers who have found the same thing.

The part of our brain that governs creativity is also the side that gets hammered by stress, so if you weren't able to write, it's nothing to do with you being lazy but having to cope with lockdown and your job, kids, etc. The praise you got for the course still stands, so instead of putting pressure on yourself, stop overthinking it and the words might come.

OP, and everyone, don't beat yourselves up. I think it can be harder to get going on something when you don't have any deadlines or structure around you. And if you think back to the beginning, we didn't know what was going to happen, if we'd survive, how long it would all last. That's not an easy environment for doing creative or productive work. It might though have given you ideas of how you'd like to use bits of time from now on. As others have said, just coping and getting through the pandemic is enough. You are enough.

My best guess is you will have another "chance" come this winter.

The thing is though, how determined are you really?
I read somewhere that if say a person wants to lose weight, they have to be a 7 or 8 out of 10 committed to doing so, for it to start to happen.

The part of our brain that governs creativity is also the side that gets hammered by stress, so if you weren't able to write, it's nothing to do with you being lazy but having to cope with lockdown and your job, kids, etc. The praise you got for the course still stands, so instead of putting pressure on yourself, stop overthinking it and the words might come.

Absolutely.

I run a small creative business- not writing- but need to protect my emotional state in order to manifest new ideas and allow the juices to flow.
To me my morning yoga, walks in the forest or sitting by the river is every bit as important to my success as ordering materials or doing my tax return.
The muse needs to be nurtured.

My DH always says you obviously didn’t want something that badly if you didn’t make it happen and that’s probably true.

I think that's bollocks personally. Fear, self doubt, lack of £, having dependents to consider and other practicalities can hold people back.

For example the career I'd love to pursue now would mean 5+ years of expensive training. We'd be about £200k down as a family from lack of earnings and course fees. I simply can't justify or afford the debt and there are no other routes in.

Well it should of been my time to shine even if I worked all through it.

Walks healthy eating etc.

As it was I watched Netflix whilst working and my pelaton bike that I paid a fucking fortune for just sat in the background of my zoom calls whilst I ate cheese, drank wine and worked.

I enjoyed it though.

Give yourself a break! I was going to drop a stone, learn how to really cook, open a business, save loads and well I haven’t done much. But - I’ve protected me and mine and others by adhering religiously to social distancing, I’ve made a CONSIDERABLE contribution to the economy by shopping my socks off(!) and I’ve worked really hard during a global pandemic. We’re all just doing our best and there’s still time for you to do more writing. I hope this lovely message of support means that I’ll get a mention in the dedication section of your book.

I really sympathise, OP. My situation is similar, though my so-called passion isn’t writing and we have a toddler, but she is out of the house two afternoons a week and DH is very good with her on weekends. I have been finding all sorts of things to do but what I had intended: reading around my chosen subject (rather than doing it), reading self-help stuff from childhood trauma to better skincare, parenting books galore, sorting all our plants out, messaging MIL toddler photos etc. All justifiable but ultimately not hugely fulfilling. I’m also cross with myself for it now. My only explanation is maybe it was all a fix for some sort of imperceptible anxiety/Covid coping. But I don’t feel any better thinking that. Perhaps we can salvage what’s left - really go for it the next 4 weeks? Go on, let’s start tomorrow!

What's done (or not) is gone. Why not do 30 minutes this evening as a start?

You didn’t know it would be a year - 15 months though. At the start we thought a month or two. We’ve been in out in out all year.
It’s very easy to look back with hindsight and say I’ve had a whole year to do something.. but never knowing how long it would be obviously meant a lot of time wasted. That’s not your fault.

I think you still have time! We're not going to be back to normal for a good while, in terms of usual socialising and activities. I'm very much about doing stuff by chipping away at it. Over the year the house has been transformed by loads of little jobs - I just tackled a thing a week.

I'm doing a professional qualification this way too. Altogether it seems overwhelming but if you could write 500 words a day, as I do when doing assignments, it would soon add up.

What I haven't done enough of is properly relax. Which was probably the most important thing. If you've managed that at all it's a win.

OMG! I write this post in a burst and then wandered off (to watch TV and play Wordscapes 🙄) and forgot to check for replies.

I’ve just seen all your amazing replies!

I CANNOT THANK YOU ALL ENOUGH. The advice here is amazing! I’ll go through it all properly again and reply. But thank you ALL so much!

I’ve just read the free Kindke sample of The War of Art, @fabulousspider and, after I finish this post, I will be buying it. It rang more bells than Winchester cathedral. 😬 THANK YOU. I’d never heard of this book.

@carlycornwall

I'm very much about doing stuff by chipping away at it.

I used to be an all-or-nothing person, but then I did Weightwatchers and it trained me to appreciate baby steps, and chipping away.

With this book, I decided I’d write it before my birthday in April, which meant writing 1,000 words a day - and promptly didn’t even start. I think the goal was too daunting.

I need to chip. Thank you.

I have relaxed over lockdown! 😂 I’ve also plotted out the story and read some great books about structuring plots, etc. So it hasn’t all been wasted. Just most of it..

@zigaziga That’s a good point. Looking back, it’s been a year. But at the time, we thought it’d be a month. Yes, good point. Thanks. Hindsight is a bitch!

This sounds so familiar. I don’t know anyone irl who doesn’t have similar experiences with lockdown, personally I’m doing a course I could have finished and qualified by now that would be a real boost to our business but I got half way through and struggle to even consider picking it up. Hours wasted sitting in the kitchen mindlessly scrolling. I think it’s something we have to accept as part of the whole sorry mess right now.

@MumblesAndMutters

But I don’t feel any better thinking that. Perhaps we can salvage what’s left - really go for it the next 4 weeks? Go on, let’s start tomorrow!

I’m in! I related to every word of your post. Doing dutiful stuff instead of your soul’s calling. Maybe you’d like the book on Resistance that FabulousSpider recommended to me? We could start by reading a chapter of that, then just doing 15 minutes on our projects.. then a bit more and a bit more every day?

I have a friend who is convinced there'll be one more lockdown. You may well have your chance!

Here’s a link to the War of Art book on kindle for anyone else who wants to salvage the last few weeks of lockdown.