Stepmum and mothers day

[Thattimeoftheyearagain]

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

@BestestBrownies "I have always thought of Mother’s Day as a celebration of all mothers"

I was in church once as a knackered mum of 4 and they gave out flowers to ALL women on mothers day. I have to say I was a bit as I felt it detracted from "my" role.
then I remembered the year before seeing a lady looking so sad when the flowers were given out to just the mums that I softened.

its a tricky one...but i think the media/marketing brigade have got hold of the day and made it in to too much of a thing.

also divorce can be painful for kids so there's often weird dynamics going on years after.

I think that as stepmums most of us do take on things that are usually done by children's parents, even though they are not our own. I know I have done things with and for my stepchildren that I never thought I'd be doing for someone else's children - wiping bums and tears, putting them to bed, bathing them, cuddling them....everything.

So no, I'd never claim to be their mother and by the same token, I don't feel like they are my own children. BUT I am on their parenting 'team' and I'd be so touched if that was acknowledged in some way, even just by my DP, if not the kids. Just a card would mean a lot to me.

Some very insecure mothers on here I think

People are commenting as stepmothers themselves, biological mothers and stepchildren.
Your fairly catty comment made me raise my eyebrows tbh and comments like this could be the reason why you don't receive cards.

If your stepchildren live with you full time, perhaps, but don't expect anything otherwise.

@Holly60

Sorry yes I should have clarified that I use it to celebrate those who I feel are playing an important maternal role or whom I have seen as a maternal figure. Of course international women’s day should be celebrated but it feels less personal somehow.

@Holly60 oh yeah, I agree :)

I am a step mum and My DSD gets me a card and always writes a lovely message in it (sometimes I get flowers or chocs too). My DSS doesn't, but then never gets anyone any cards really for any occasion so I don't take it personally. :-) (usually I nag him to get his mum a mothers day card and he does or gets his sister to do it!). I never expected either of them to do anything for it but it was a gorgeous gesture when I received it. But it was something DSD decided to do herself when she became a teen and not something that DH suggested or did for them as kids.

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

I don’t EXPECT anything. I just wondered if it was unreasonable to think being thanked would be a nice gesture.

Some very insecure mothers on here I think.

But why would they need to 'thank' you on mothers day, when you aren't their mother? They could surely do this on another day. It sounds like you DO expect it a little bit.

I would secretly be quite hurt if my dc were encouraged to give mothers day gifts and cards to step mum. It isn't about her on that day. I would see it as intruding on the special relationship between me & dc.

Tricky, depends on personal situations. We always give a card and small gift to stepmum as she's very much part of the family and does a lot for us.

How old are they? Are you expecting recognition from them, or from your partner?

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

it would depend on a lot of things. This is written as someone who has had 2 step mothers (one nice and one not so nice so no prejudice against step parents here).

1. how often do you have the children?
2. how close are you to the children?
3. how is your relationship with their mother?
4. what are "mum duties"? passing them the odd biscuit and going to the zoo isnt mum duties. making lunches, doing baths, arranging gifts and parties, dealing with school issues, sorting out the bickering, throwing your jeans on at 10pm the night before food technology or dress up day and heading to sainsburys as your kid forgot to tell you they need flour...all mum duties.

Mothers Day is for their mum (assuming she is in their lives). In some countries (I think it began in America) some people celebrate mothers day the Sunday after Mothers day. Maybe try to bring this tradition into your home? Have your own day, dont try to take part of someone elses. They can love both of you and show their appreciation but you have 2 different roles and 2 different places in their heart. I would hate for the children to feel torn or worried they will hurt their mum or you. Its a minefield and I would just nip it in the bud and get your DH to celebrate you with a day of your own.

@Youllbeoldertoo harsh response. No need for that at all!

@Thattimeoftheyearagain - I'm a stepmum to 2 girls (birthday adults) and they both buy me a small gift and a card which is really lovely and appreciated. Their mum often gives them hints or tips on what to buy for me, or sometimes they just ask.

So no, I don't think YABU to think a gesture would be lovely. You are good enough to do "mum" duties for them and it's nice for that to be appreciated x

That's a tough one. I have a step mum and I wouldn't buy her a card. I don't really like her though and I find it insulting to associate the word "mum" with her.

I suppose it really depends on your relationship together. They may be very happy to buy you one and love you to bits. I know that not all step relationships are acrimonious.

It should be up to the children concerned. I don't think they should be guilted into doing something for their step mum. Your partner could recognise your input but it isn't something that the children should feel they have to do.

I just imagined this the opposite way around. If there was such a thing as "daughter's day", for example. I'd acknowledge this day with my own DD but I wouldn't feel the need to do so for my SD - I'd expect her own Mum to do that. So, I equally wouldn't expect anything for Mother's Day from SD, either. She's not my daughter; I'm not her Mum.

As a step mum I don't expect it. My daughter doesn't get her step dad anything as she feels it is her dads day but really likes her step dad so it is up to the kids. I am not their mum and they don't even remember by birthday or do anything for xmas for me so mothers day wouldn't make sense either!

I always get cards for my step parents on mother's/fathers day. Can be a bit complicated though so probably depends on your step kids and relationship with them

Some very insecure mothers on here I think

Not at all. However, I will be spending Mother's Day alone whilst my children are with their father for the weekend and they will do lovely things for their 'step mum' of 4 months (because their father buys cards and presents for step mum and refuses to spend any money for them to buy me even a card). So yeah, it would be nice if Mother's Day meant Mother's Day, not 'enforced jovality with Step Mother Day'.

My step daughter has always got me a card and small gift. When she was younger it was obviously bought by her mum, which actually meant the world to me as much as when she's bought them herself!

@EnoughnowIthink

Some very insecure mothers on here I think

Not at all. However, I will be spending Mother's Day alone whilst my children are with their father for the weekend and they will do lovely things for their 'step mum' of 4 months (because their father buys cards and presents for step mum and refuses to spend any money for them to buy me even a card). So yeah, it would be nice if Mother's Day meant Mother's Day, not 'enforced jovality with Step Mother Day'.

Does your ex not allow you to see them on mother's day? How do you know the joviality will be enforced?

No I wouldn't do this for my stepmother and I do love her but she's not my mum. I wouldn't want to upset my mum (although she would have said it was fine I can't help but wonder if she'd have felt differently).

I do get her gran presents on Mother's Day though now that I have kids.

YABU. There are 364 other days in the year that they could show you their appreciation and affection, but no, you want in on the one day that the Mummy has for herself.

There’s probably a place for cards for stepmums, seeing as there are cards for DGMs. I’ve seen cards saying ‘You’re like a Mum to me’ as well. A lot of us have mother figures who aren’t our actual Mums.

It depends on the relationship, though. There shouldn’t be any pressure on a child to give their stepmum a card.

@Bluenightowl

Some very insecure mothers on here I think

People are commenting as stepmothers themselves, biological mothers and stepchildren.
Your fairly catty comment made me raise my eyebrows tbh and comments like this could be the reason why you don't receive cards.

OP just made a general observation, but your comment is very catty. You’re another who expects SMs to be quasi parents but get no recognition i suspect.

I think with this one, everyone feels different and people are entitled to their feelings either way.

When I was a stepmum, I was the exact opposite to you. I didn’t want anything from my former dsc because I wasn’t their mum and dsc wasn’t my child.

@funinthesun19

I think with this one, everyone feels different and people are entitled to their feelings either way.

When I was a stepmum, I was the exact opposite to you. I didn’t want anything from my former dsc because I wasn’t their mum and dsc wasn’t my child.

I'm glad someone else has said it, I was starting to feel very much in the minority for not actually wanting anything from my SCs.