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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum and mothers day

484 replies

Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 13:19

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

OP posts:
Nnameechanged · 11/03/2021 17:40

No, I would get something for my mum but not a stepmum. I have a step parent myself, although I am older now, obviously. We get on well and they are definitely part of the family, but I've never had any desire for them to be a parent figure, if that makes sense.

funinthesun19 · 11/03/2021 17:40

I'm glad someone else has said it, I was starting to feel very much in the minority for not actually wanting anything from my SCs.

I think we are the minority! To me, my Mothers Days were not about my dsc.

BungleandGeorge · 11/03/2021 17:42

@Bibidy

I think that as stepmums most of us do take on things that are usually done by children's parents, even though they are not our own. I know I have done things with and for my stepchildren that I never thought I'd be doing for someone else's children - wiping bums and tears, putting them to bed, bathing them, cuddling them....everything.

So no, I'd never claim to be their mother and by the same token, I don't feel like they are my own children. BUT I am on their parenting 'team' and I'd be so touched if that was acknowledged in some way, even just by my DP, if not the kids. Just a card would mean a lot to me.

But does it have to be on Mother’s Day? Many people do those things for relatives and friends’ children. I’d say the norm is a nice card and gift at Christmas/your birthday from the parent and verbal thanks from parent/child on a more regular basis.
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 11/03/2021 17:49

At one point, my sister used to get mothers day cards for

  1. her mother
  2. MIL from first marriage (the only one left, close to 50 years since divorce form son)
  3. MIL from second marriage, including after he'd died until her death
  4. her step mother

It's not to disrespect the mother, but to acknowledge the contribution and relationship of SM

DuzzyFuck · 11/03/2021 17:51

I get a Fathers Day Card for my Step-Dad. They didn't meet until I was well into my teens.

Some of the 'but you're not their Mum' on this thread is Hmm

Bluenightowl · 11/03/2021 17:51

You’re another who expects SMs to be quasi parents but get no recognition i suspect

As I previously said it depends if they view her as a mum. My own stepmother would be the last person I'd view as a mother figure.

AliceMadHatter · 11/03/2021 17:53

@LucieStar

I just imagined this the opposite way around. If there was such a thing as "daughter's day", for example. I'd acknowledge this day with my own DD but I wouldn't feel the need to do so for my SD - I'd expect her own Mum to do that. So, I equally wouldn't expect anything for Mother's Day from SD, either. She's not my daughter; I'm not her Mum.
Would you not be involved in Daughters Day with her Dad though?
therocinante · 11/03/2021 17:58

Always get my stepmum a card.

Those saying 'she's not a mum' remind me uncomfortably of those who told my mum that my grandma wasn't 'really her mother' because she was adopted. If someone fulfils the mothering role, or part of it, I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge them on a day for acknowledging mothering.

purpleme12 · 11/03/2021 18:00

No my mum will always be the only one who can 'mother' me

Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 18:02

My step children are teens. I’ve been in their lives almost ten years. I’ve mopped up tears, done homework, cooked, cleaned, washed their clothes. Ironed uniform, shopped for school stuff, I think every task a mum or dad does. I’ve done it because I want to and not because I expect anything. They’re teens so rarely say thank you, so yeah a bunch of daffs would be a nice gesture.

I just don’t get the hate on here for step mums. I’ve treated those kids and their dad well over the years. I’m not going to say like my own as I don’t have kids and I dare say I’d have stronger feelings if they were my own as I am only human.

OP posts:
Bluenightowl · 11/03/2021 18:02

Those saying 'she's not a mum' remind me uncomfortably of those who told my mum that my grandma wasn't 'really her mother' because she was adopted
If she was adopted, she only had one primary mother figure in her life and that was your grandmother?
I don't believe that is comparable to what the OP was referring to?

Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 18:04

I really wish people around stop saying I’m not their mum! I know I’m not and I don’t want to be. I’m talking about a gesture of thanks not giving me a kidney!

OP posts:
shouldistop · 11/03/2021 18:04

I think the issue here is your dh. Not many children will think to get something, it has to be initiated by an adult. Does your dh make sure the kids get something for their mum?

LoveFall · 11/03/2021 18:04

I have been a stepmom so long the youngest doesn't remember me not being there, and the eldest barely remembers,

I did plenty of Mom things I can assure you. Like any family we had our moments.

I get flowers every Mother's Day. It feels so good to know they think of me.

Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 18:06

The kids are old enough to sort their mothers
Day gift for their mum. When they were small her mum did it. They had a pretty nasty divorce. Nothing to do with me before anyone asks.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 11/03/2021 18:07

I have a step mum (well now my fathers widow), I never sent her anything for Mother's Day, she has her own sons and I didn't meet her until I was 17 and then didn't see her often. I do now send flowers from my children to 'grandma' though.

therocinante · 11/03/2021 18:08

@Bluenightowl

Those saying 'she's not a mum' remind me uncomfortably of those who told my mum that my grandma wasn't 'really her mother' because she was adopted If she was adopted, she only had one primary mother figure in her life and that was your grandmother? I don't believe that is comparable to what the OP was referring to?
Apologies - I should have been clearer, she was adopted as an older child.

My point still stands though, there are lots of different ways to mother - being a biological parent, an adopted parent, a step parent... I don't think anyone should buy a card for Mother's Day for their dad's wife they see once a year and barely know, but someone who picks you up for football practice and listens to you talk about school and makes you tea and cuddles you before bedtime - if your stepmum does those, I'd say she was fulfilling a mothering role and it's nice to acknowledge that.

Then again, it's not a requirement is it - my actual mum hates it because a much loved family member died on MD years ago and requests we don't get her anything!

mainsfed · 11/03/2021 18:08

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

My step children are teens. I’ve been in their lives almost ten years. I’ve mopped up tears, done homework, cooked, cleaned, washed their clothes. Ironed uniform, shopped for school stuff, I think every task a mum or dad does. I’ve done it because I want to and not because I expect anything. They’re teens so rarely say thank you, so yeah a bunch of daffs would be a nice gesture.

I just don’t get the hate on here for step mums. I’ve treated those kids and their dad well over the years. I’m not going to say like my own as I don’t have kids and I dare say I’d have stronger feelings if they were my own as I am only human.

You will just get people telling you that that’s what you signed up for.

Men don’t get told the same though. When a step-dad moves in, the OP is usually told they are her kids, she mustn’t expect him to care for them.

shouldistop · 11/03/2021 18:09

It doesn't sound like your dh has initiated any sort of importance for Mother's Day with the children then. They're not going to suddenly start thinking of getting you something now unfortunately. Have you asked your dh why he's never asked them to make you a card as smaller children etc.?

FlibbertyGiblets · 11/03/2021 18:11

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

I really wish people around stop saying I’m not their mum! I know I’m not and I don’t want to be. I’m talking about a gesture of thanks not giving me a kidney!
But why do you want this gesture of thanks on Mothering Sunday specifically? I am curious as to why this one single day out of all the others.
Joeblack066 · 11/03/2021 18:12

@Sarcobaleno ah that’s such a shame. I hated what they did to me, but never let my sons see. They grew up (they were all under 10) with her in their lives and I didn’t want them to suffer.
We’ve even all sat down at my son’s for Christmas dinner before!

CandyLeBonBon · 11/03/2021 18:14

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

My step children are teens. I’ve been in their lives almost ten years. I’ve mopped up tears, done homework, cooked, cleaned, washed their clothes. Ironed uniform, shopped for school stuff, I think every task a mum or dad does. I’ve done it because I want to and not because I expect anything. They’re teens so rarely say thank you, so yeah a bunch of daffs would be a nice gesture.

I just don’t get the hate on here for step mums. I’ve treated those kids and their dad well over the years. I’m not going to say like my own as I don’t have kids and I dare say I’d have stronger feelings if they were my own as I am only human.

That's an awful lot on your shoulders op - I hope their dad was doing the lion's share for his kids?

What are the shared care arrangements - is it 50/50 or eow?

Tbh if my kids said they want to get their dad's dp something for Mother's Day, I'd suggest they ask him what she'd like, so he can help them, because I don't really know her well enough tbh.
It wouldn't occur to me to suggest it though because my care arrangements are very much one overnighter a fortnight and they haven't actually seen him since before Christmas so it not at the top of my pile of things to think about.

I guess it just depends on the level of effort and time really. You're not wrong to hope they appreciate your efforts though, but if their dad hasn't thought about it either it's unlikely anyone else will.

You sound like you've done a great job Thanks

Bluenightowl · 11/03/2021 18:21

They’re teens so rarely say thank you

I don't think many teens say thank you. If they view you as a parent, then they certainly won't say thank you. They will take you for granted.

I didn't view giving cards as acknowledging what people had done for me until I was an adult. Maybe your stepchildren will do the same when they are older?
You listed all the things you do for the teens. You don't mention that you love them. I'm not saying you don't, just that there hasn't been any mention of it in your posts.
Some children, depending on their ages, give cards out of love. Reciprocated love.

I have a stepmother and am a mother. I never remember leaving my SM notes around the house saying that I loved her, in the way my young child does for me. But I never felt love from her and maybe that is why I didn't. In the same way, I sometimes leave little notes for my child in their schoolbag saying how great I think they are. My SM never did that either.
Or you could have unsentimental stepkids? One of my children is practical and takes everything for granted. I leave notes for him too. I don't think he has ever acknowledged one of them :)

raincamepouringdown · 11/03/2021 18:26

It depends.

On the family situation.
On the relationship with the children.

There is not one answer for this.

Roob23 · 11/03/2021 18:29

Depends on the circumstances. In your case yes it would be nice for you to get recognised but for others maybe not.

DS has a stepmum but she has little to no contact with him. Even when DS sees his dad he doesn’t see his stepmum (they go out instead and DS doesn’t go to their house, she’s a cow) so in this case no I absolutely won’t allow it.