Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum and mothers day

484 replies

Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 13:19

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 11/03/2021 16:05

I had four stepchildren, we divorced after they became adults. The youngest lived with us for several years and was a handful as a teen to say the least!
He rarely gets in touch these days but has taken to wishing me a happy Mother's Day by text which I find lovely.

BungleandGeorge · 11/03/2021 16:06

@AgainstTheCurrent

I'm glad I stopped to read this thread, I have been trying to convince DSS (16) to get his mom a card. After reading this I think maybe I should just let him be.

Dynamics are everything and as she hasn't really done much to support him then maybe I shouldn't be the one to force the issue.

I wouldn’t at his age. To me Mother’s Day isn’t a validation or a pay back. It’s something the child wants to do. If he was being a typical teen and just forgotten, not organised and needs reminding that would be a different matter. I think you illustrate perfectly that the person the child sees as mum isn’t always their actual mother.
Holly60 · 11/03/2021 16:07

Sorry yes I should have clarified that I use it to celebrate those who I feel are playing an important maternal role or whom I have seen as a maternal figure. Of course international women’s day should be celebrated but it feels less personal somehow.

Joeblack066 · 11/03/2021 16:07

I know my sons acknowledge their stepmum, and she was the OW. It’s fine with me- they’ve built an ok relationship with her so I would expect them to.

BeeDavis · 11/03/2021 16:08

It’s just one day a year, why does it matter if you do or don’t!!

NailsNeedDoing · 11/03/2021 16:09

It’s entirely up to your step children whether they recognise you or not on Mother’s Day, but tbf, anything you do for them you’re doing as a favour to your partner, not them.

You can’t expect to be recognised because you aren’t their mum, you’re just very lucky if they choose to.

Bluenightowl · 11/03/2021 16:09

Do your stepkids call you mum? If they do, then I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a card.
However if they call you by your name and call someone else 'mum' then YABU.

Sarcobaleno · 11/03/2021 16:10

@Joeblack066 I wish my mum had your attitude. My stepmum was the OW 45 years ago and my mum still can't say her name.

AliceMadHatter · 11/03/2021 16:11

I disagree that everything I have done for my SC was a favour for my DH. There are things we have done together that doesn't include him. That's probably why as adults we have a great relationship

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 11/03/2021 16:12

I did not think it was normal to send step mother's cards on Mother's Day (grew up in nuclear family) until one year, when I was 21 and engaged to my now DH, I sent my mum and his mum cards & flowers but didn't send his step mum one (I thought that would be offensive to my future MIL). I got that family dynamic wrong!!! It resulted in a passive aggressive status from step-MIL on Facebook and lots of replies about how 'disgraceful' we were. My MIL later confided that she has always felt step-MIL stepped on her toes (despite only being in her step son's life since he was 15). There is still the weirdest vibe in their family about those relationships.

SidSparrow · 11/03/2021 16:13

If you are appreciated then why do you need to be appreciated on Mother's Day? You said yourself you're not a Mum, but do mum duties which could mean anything really.

trevthecat · 11/03/2021 16:15

Yes you should. I have always bought for my step mum and my mum and my children always buy for their stepdad

gottakeeponmovin · 11/03/2021 16:16

I think it's up to them. You are not their mum but if they want to get you a card that's nice. If they don't just don't get huffy

Honeyroar · 11/03/2021 16:19

My stepson has always got me a card, despite me telling him not to. I’ve loved him like he was my own for 16 years, and it’s not always been easy, so it does make me smile get a card. But I’m well aware I’m not his mum.

yellowbeaker · 11/03/2021 16:19

my kids always get their step dad a card and gift on fathers day but they don't see their own dad (his choice) and he is like a father to them.

I think it would be a nice gesture to get you a step mum card but it might also cause a lot of tension.

BestestBrownies · 11/03/2021 16:21

I have always thought of Mother’s Day as a celebration of all mothers. So I will send my Mum and my Gran cards and flowers/chocolates and I did the same when my other Gran was still alive. I will also text my DSIS and SIL to wish them happy Mother’s Day and write a personal note in DP’s card for his DM (as he does mine).

If I had a stepmum who I got on well with I would likely send a card or text (depending on the relationship closeness). I can see I’m in the minority here, but it seems a shame.

MadamMiddle · 11/03/2021 16:23

YANBU as a stepmum I have gotten a mother's day card for many years now, it's a token of appreciation for all I do in their lives. They also get their bio mum a card and present. However, it is entirely up to the children and I never expected it.

Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 16:25

I don’t EXPECT anything. I just wondered if it was unreasonable to think being thanked would be a nice gesture.

Some very insecure mothers on here I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 16:26

Can I also say to those who are repeatedly telling me I know I’m not their mum, I put this in my opening post. I don’t want to be their mum.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 11/03/2021 16:28

I think it's nice to acknowledge stepmums for sure. It would mean a lot to me if my stepchildren - or even my DP! - gave me a little card just to acknowledge that I am there and my contribution is recognised.

NailsNeedDoing · 11/03/2021 16:28

You don’t want to be their mum, but you do want Mother’s Day recognition? Confused

Why isn’t a thank you at the time of doing something enough?

Bibidy · 11/03/2021 16:29

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

I don’t EXPECT anything. I just wondered if it was unreasonable to think being thanked would be a nice gesture.

Some very insecure mothers on here I think.

There are soooo many insecure mothers on here.

I have a couple of friends in real life who have stepmums and ALWAYS get them a mother's day card. It's just a sweet gesture and it means a lot. You are NOT being unreasonable.

needadvice54321 · 11/03/2021 16:29

@Honeyroar

My stepson has always got me a card, despite me telling him not to. I’ve loved him like he was my own for 16 years, and it’s not always been easy, so it does make me smile get a card. But I’m well aware I’m not his mum.
That's lovely @Honeyroar , he obviously really appreciates you
BilboBercow · 11/03/2021 16:29

I never bought a mother's day card for my step mum, who is lovely woman and don't now my mum is dead. I would feel disrespectful.

1forAll74 · 11/03/2021 16:30

To be expecting a card for mothers day if you are a step mother, is the wrong way to be thinking. But I am sure that lots of children will give their step mothers a card,if they are in the mindset of viewing you as a Mother figure, who they are happy with, and fond of.. I have seen cards , saying Happy Stepmothers day. Cards for everything these days, as in, Happy Mothers day, from all the dogs,or even cats,!

Swipe left for the next trending thread