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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum and mothers day

484 replies

Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 13:19

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 11/03/2021 16:05

I had four stepchildren, we divorced after they became adults. The youngest lived with us for several years and was a handful as a teen to say the least!
He rarely gets in touch these days but has taken to wishing me a happy Mother's Day by text which I find lovely.

BungleandGeorge · 11/03/2021 16:06

@AgainstTheCurrent

I'm glad I stopped to read this thread, I have been trying to convince DSS (16) to get his mom a card. After reading this I think maybe I should just let him be.

Dynamics are everything and as she hasn't really done much to support him then maybe I shouldn't be the one to force the issue.

I wouldn’t at his age. To me Mother’s Day isn’t a validation or a pay back. It’s something the child wants to do. If he was being a typical teen and just forgotten, not organised and needs reminding that would be a different matter. I think you illustrate perfectly that the person the child sees as mum isn’t always their actual mother.
Holly60 · 11/03/2021 16:07

Sorry yes I should have clarified that I use it to celebrate those who I feel are playing an important maternal role or whom I have seen as a maternal figure. Of course international women’s day should be celebrated but it feels less personal somehow.

Joeblack066 · 11/03/2021 16:07

I know my sons acknowledge their stepmum, and she was the OW. It’s fine with me- they’ve built an ok relationship with her so I would expect them to.

BeeDavis · 11/03/2021 16:08

It’s just one day a year, why does it matter if you do or don’t!!

NailsNeedDoing · 11/03/2021 16:09

It’s entirely up to your step children whether they recognise you or not on Mother’s Day, but tbf, anything you do for them you’re doing as a favour to your partner, not them.

You can’t expect to be recognised because you aren’t their mum, you’re just very lucky if they choose to.

Bluenightowl · 11/03/2021 16:09

Do your stepkids call you mum? If they do, then I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a card.
However if they call you by your name and call someone else 'mum' then YABU.

Sarcobaleno · 11/03/2021 16:10

@Joeblack066 I wish my mum had your attitude. My stepmum was the OW 45 years ago and my mum still can't say her name.

AliceMadHatter · 11/03/2021 16:11

I disagree that everything I have done for my SC was a favour for my DH. There are things we have done together that doesn't include him. That's probably why as adults we have a great relationship

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 11/03/2021 16:12

I did not think it was normal to send step mother's cards on Mother's Day (grew up in nuclear family) until one year, when I was 21 and engaged to my now DH, I sent my mum and his mum cards & flowers but didn't send his step mum one (I thought that would be offensive to my future MIL). I got that family dynamic wrong!!! It resulted in a passive aggressive status from step-MIL on Facebook and lots of replies about how 'disgraceful' we were. My MIL later confided that she has always felt step-MIL stepped on her toes (despite only being in her step son's life since he was 15). There is still the weirdest vibe in their family about those relationships.

SidSparrow · 11/03/2021 16:13

If you are appreciated then why do you need to be appreciated on Mother's Day? You said yourself you're not a Mum, but do mum duties which could mean anything really.

trevthecat · 11/03/2021 16:15

Yes you should. I have always bought for my step mum and my mum and my children always buy for their stepdad

gottakeeponmovin · 11/03/2021 16:16

I think it's up to them. You are not their mum but if they want to get you a card that's nice. If they don't just don't get huffy

Honeyroar · 11/03/2021 16:19

My stepson has always got me a card, despite me telling him not to. I’ve loved him like he was my own for 16 years, and it’s not always been easy, so it does make me smile get a card. But I’m well aware I’m not his mum.

yellowbeaker · 11/03/2021 16:19

my kids always get their step dad a card and gift on fathers day but they don't see their own dad (his choice) and he is like a father to them.

I think it would be a nice gesture to get you a step mum card but it might also cause a lot of tension.

BestestBrownies · 11/03/2021 16:21

I have always thought of Mother’s Day as a celebration of all mothers. So I will send my Mum and my Gran cards and flowers/chocolates and I did the same when my other Gran was still alive. I will also text my DSIS and SIL to wish them happy Mother’s Day and write a personal note in DP’s card for his DM (as he does mine).

If I had a stepmum who I got on well with I would likely send a card or text (depending on the relationship closeness). I can see I’m in the minority here, but it seems a shame.

MadamMiddle · 11/03/2021 16:23

YANBU as a stepmum I have gotten a mother's day card for many years now, it's a token of appreciation for all I do in their lives. They also get their bio mum a card and present. However, it is entirely up to the children and I never expected it.

Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 16:25

I don’t EXPECT anything. I just wondered if it was unreasonable to think being thanked would be a nice gesture.

Some very insecure mothers on here I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 16:26

Can I also say to those who are repeatedly telling me I know I’m not their mum, I put this in my opening post. I don’t want to be their mum.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 11/03/2021 16:28

I think it's nice to acknowledge stepmums for sure. It would mean a lot to me if my stepchildren - or even my DP! - gave me a little card just to acknowledge that I am there and my contribution is recognised.

NailsNeedDoing · 11/03/2021 16:28

You don’t want to be their mum, but you do want Mother’s Day recognition? Confused

Why isn’t a thank you at the time of doing something enough?

Bibidy · 11/03/2021 16:29

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

I don’t EXPECT anything. I just wondered if it was unreasonable to think being thanked would be a nice gesture.

Some very insecure mothers on here I think.

There are soooo many insecure mothers on here.

I have a couple of friends in real life who have stepmums and ALWAYS get them a mother's day card. It's just a sweet gesture and it means a lot. You are NOT being unreasonable.

needadvice54321 · 11/03/2021 16:29

@Honeyroar

My stepson has always got me a card, despite me telling him not to. I’ve loved him like he was my own for 16 years, and it’s not always been easy, so it does make me smile get a card. But I’m well aware I’m not his mum.
That's lovely @Honeyroar , he obviously really appreciates you
BilboBercow · 11/03/2021 16:29

I never bought a mother's day card for my step mum, who is lovely woman and don't now my mum is dead. I would feel disrespectful.

1forAll74 · 11/03/2021 16:30

To be expecting a card for mothers day if you are a step mother, is the wrong way to be thinking. But I am sure that lots of children will give their step mothers a card,if they are in the mindset of viewing you as a Mother figure, who they are happy with, and fond of.. I have seen cards , saying Happy Stepmothers day. Cards for everything these days, as in, Happy Mothers day, from all the dogs,or even cats,!