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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum and mothers day

484 replies

Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 13:19

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 11/03/2021 15:25

God no! I have a step son and don't expect to be recognised. He has a mother and 2 grandmothers. I have, however, had a nice card that my toddler made at nursery and that's perfect in my book. If mum isn't in the picture and DC want to recognise a step mum or other female relative then fair enough but SMs certainly should force or expect it.

earthyfire · 11/03/2021 15:25

Hmm I am not sure. I think it is down to the child and how they feel and the relationship they all have. Personally I know it would probably hurt my mother if I did so I wouldn't.

FullofCurryandparatha · 11/03/2021 15:27

Did you read them? There's plenty!

All I read are people with different opinions on what they do or expect. I don't see any nasty posts. I see people complaining about nastiness that isn't there though.

LindaEllen · 11/03/2021 15:27

As the replies you've received on this post show, stepmums are expected to step up and provide the care and love of a biological parent, without having any of the benefits including a) being allowed an opinion or to be part of decisions or b) for their input to be recognised.

I do much much more for my stepson than his actual mother does, but I never get so much as a thank you. She walked out on him when he was a baby and only came back into his life when he was 6.

amylou8 · 11/03/2021 15:31

I'll take my stepmum a bunch of flowers. She came into my life as an older teen, and while we've always got on she's never been in a mum role. I do appreciate all she does for dad and I think giving a token is nice. My step dad on father's day will get exactly the same as my dad. He raised me from a child and is equally important to me as my dad. In answer to you question I think it would be nice for you to get a small token from your step kids (facilitated by their dad if they are young).

Frazzled99 · 11/03/2021 15:34

YANBU! I'm a step-mum and a nice one too. I do a hell of a lot. My DH will usually get me a card which he will write thanking me what I do for ny DSC but nothing directly from them and I wouldn't expect it as they're still little. If when they're older they want to get me something I will be very grateful but won't expect it. I do, however expect some recognition from DH. I have two DC now so at least I'll get something!

FullofCurryandparatha · 11/03/2021 15:37

As the replies you've received on this post show, stepmums are expected to step up and provide the care and love of a biological parent, without having any of the benefits including a) being allowed an opinion or to be part of decisions or b) for their input to be recognised.

They don't show any such thing. I have never seen such bias on any thread as stepomothers thinking everyone is out to get them!

purpleme12 · 11/03/2021 15:37

@FullofCurryandparatha

Did you read them? There's plenty!

All I read are people with different opinions on what they do or expect. I don't see any nasty posts. I see people complaining about nastiness that isn't there though.

Being called insecure and bitter for having a different opinion is quite nasty in my opinion
LowlandLucky · 11/03/2021 15:38

Every year i receive flowers, cards and presents on Mothers day from my Step children. They are all adults therefore do it off their own backs. My AC also choose to send cards presents etc to their Step Father. I also know my AC send their Step Mother a card and flowers and i am glad that they do.

KnottedFern · 11/03/2021 15:41

@FullofCurryandparatha

Did you read them? There's plenty!

All I read are people with different opinions on what they do or expect. I don't see any nasty posts. I see people complaining about nastiness that isn't there though.

We clearly have very different view points about this post and step mothers then.
FullofCurryandparatha · 11/03/2021 15:42

Being called insecure and bitter for having a different opinion is quite nasty in my opinion

The person who was called those things was on the other side of the opinion from you.

carolinesbaby · 11/03/2021 15:42

My adult stepdaughter gave me a card a couple of years ago with a personal message in it. She was about 28, I've been with her dad for over 20 years, it's the first time.
It meant so, so much.

So YANBU to want to be appreciated, but YABU to expect the same treatment as their mother.

purpleme12 · 11/03/2021 15:43

@FullofCurryandparatha

Being called insecure and bitter for having a different opinion is quite nasty in my opinion

The person who was called those things was on the other side of the opinion from you.

Yes that's true I'm simply pointing out where others have been nasty, as you said you couldn't see any There's no need for nastiness is there regardless if someone's got a different opinion
RedGoldAndGreene · 11/03/2021 15:43

It depends. Some stepmums/grandmothers/aunts do more than the parents so deserve to be recognised.

purpleme12 · 11/03/2021 15:45

... Think I read your reply wrong anyway
The person who was called that (me) was of a different opinion from the person who called me that

MyLittleOrangutan · 11/03/2021 15:45

I send my step mum something little to show I appreciate her but I have a good relationship with her despite her and my dad not being together.
My step dad claims he does loads for us but in my opinion he's a tosser. Its not really for you to decide, it's up to the kid to feel that you're a mothering figure to them.

So, if the kid chooses to, that's nice, if they don't, tough.

Standrewsschool · 11/03/2021 15:46

@Fourandtwentymilliondoors

I think it’s a lovely idea. So many children are part of blended families and if they have a stepmother who they love, and who loves them, I think it’s lovely to recognise that on Mother’s Day 😊
This
Frazzled99 · 11/03/2021 15:46

@Reachersloveinterest

My adult stepdaughter gave me a card a couple of years ago with a personal message in it. She was about 28, I've been with her dad for over 20 years, it's the first time. It meant so, so much.

So YANBU to want to be appreciated, but YABU to expect the same treatment as their mother.

I don't think OP ever said she wanted the same treatment as their mother....in fact she said specifically not as a mum but just a thank you for all she does.

Lovely you got a card recently. I kind of hope I won't have to wait that long but I won't hold my breathe!

LucieStar · 11/03/2021 15:48

I'm a step mum and it would make me a bit uncomfortable get a card from my SCs - but we aren't super close and they obviously have a Mum already. However my own DD (in her teens) is very close to her SM (stays in touch with her despite her and her Dad now being separated), and would probably choose to get her a card as well as me, as she has done most years. I'm fine with this and so is her SM. We're all different.

carolinesbaby · 11/03/2021 15:51

Edit:
Sorry, I realise OP hasn't said she expects recognition. Perhaps I should have said YWBU to expect rather than YABU.

pinkstinks · 11/03/2021 15:56

God I’m locked in an awkward tradition of giving my step mum a card. It started when my dad made me when they were together.
He’s fucked off with another new wife now but I would feel awful if I just stopped.
Should I ?!
So much guilt!

AgainstTheCurrent · 11/03/2021 15:58

I'm glad I stopped to read this thread, I have been trying to convince DSS (16) to get his mom a card. After reading this I think maybe I should just let him be.

Dynamics are everything and as she hasn't really done much to support him then maybe I shouldn't be the one to force the issue.

MamaTT · 11/03/2021 15:59

I’ve always treated my stepmum the same way I treat my mum. My stepmum is awesome. She was actually the OW and the reason my parents split up but I’ve never let that get in the way of our relationship and my own mum has always supported this.
However I know this is rare.
Fwiw I do think you deserve recognition. I’m sure you do a wonderful job.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 11/03/2021 16:00

@Holly60

You can buy cards specifically for step-mothers so YANBU. I think it would be a nice gesture. I buy for people who are not my own mum and I wish my DD and DIL ‘happy mother’s day’ so I don’t see why not. I think it should be an inclusive celebration of the women we care about.
@Holly60 Ipersonally, I think International Women's Day is better placed to celebrate all women rather than Mother's Day.
Sarcobaleno · 11/03/2021 16:03

I have never acknowledged Mother's Day to my stepmum because it would really upset my mum. Doesn't feel right to do that to my mum on Mother's Day. I hope my stepmum realises she is appreciated though, and she has her own children.