Stepmum and mothers day

[Thattimeoftheyearagain]

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

@FullofCurryandparatha

So no, it's not just as straightforward as "the onus is on SM to build a relationship" and so long as effort is made on her part, all will be well. Those who believe this have either never been SMs themselves, or have luckily not had to navigate the difficulties of the variables mentioned above.

I didn't say "all will be well" or imply it, and I am a SM (an excellent one).
The point remains that as the adult who made a choice its on you to put the hard work in and deal with the shit, and as the child who had no choice, it isn't.

"Putting the effort in and dealing with the shit" is one thing. Whether or not the outcome is a close relationship between SM and SCs is quite another. One doesn't guarantee the other.

@FullofCurryandparatha Well I had a sense you would say that, as I could read the bias between the lines of your previous post. But no, I don't think the onus is mainly on SPs to make it work. In my opinion, the greatest onus should be on the parents. They are the one's who bring all the complications and hugely demanding requirements to the table, and they need to be doing their utmost to make the situation actually pleasant for potential partners. Very often, that does not happen.

Situations where the SP "falls short" of being a "card worthy" third parent arise for a lot of reasons other than the SP simply rejecting a parent/child relationship with the ever willing step child. Those reasons include; the parent making no effort to make the situation liveable for their partner and perhaps even mistreating them when it comes to their kids; the kids being terrible towards the step parent and rejecting THEM, or perhaps simply not being bothered by their presence and WANTING another parental figure (ie, the lack of parental relationship is mutual and not upsetting anyone). As you mentioned before, the contact arrangement may simply not allow for a close parental bond, which is not the decision of the SP at all, and the other parent may also present a variety of roadblocks to the SP and SC developing a parent/child relationship; they may be very much against that and take steps to prevent it. And then there's the extremely pervasive negative attitudes towards step parents of society at large, which often also manifests in people surrounding the SP such as ILs, grinding the SP down until they cannot cope anymore and disengage to protect their own mental health. It is something that people who have never been a SP consistently overlook, but it can be enormously detrimental.

The tone of "those dastardly SPs don't bother with the SC who of course do nothing but smile at them meekly, begging them to love them, is not lost on me, and it is highly biased.

There's no blanket right or wrong answer to the question "should a stepmum get a card on mother's day" Blended families are all so very different. What's fair, understandable or reasonable in one situation is different in another situation.

In my house alone we have three different situations where the card/gift on Mother's Day is very different.

DS1 is my DSS technically. His Mummy died when he was a toddler. He took to calling me Mum when he was around 9 and it was his choice and suggestion. He was the first to suggest he wanted to buy two bunches of flowers when DH took him to buy flowers to take to his Mummy's grave.

My girls have experienced two step-mother figures from their Dad over the years. His wife, who he recently split from, was originally lovely if not a little over-bearing, however as soon as she had their first half-sibling unfriendly, unwelcoming, and on various occasions downright cruel. She frequently bitched to them about how much maintenance their father paid (the minimum), told them they couldn't attend their half-brother's Christening because it was for "close family", frequently "accidentally" booked things that didn't include them for their contact time and actually told one of them it would be better if she left school and got a job because staying on was going to be very expensive for her Dad. Most recently, after splitting with their Dad, she pretended she wanted the girls to spend time with their half-siblings on a set night a week. When the girls had to change the timings after a few weeks because the bus timings changed she called them selfish little bitches and banned them from seeing their siblings. Turned out she had a class booked and was simply using them as free babysitters.

However, they do still send a Mothering Sunday card to his ex partner because she was lovely to them when they were young. She was the kind of step-Mum who made them dinner, wiped their tears and helped with their homework. They've never forgotten her kindness and they still keep in touch. They call her child their "sort-of-half sibling" and she's a lovely lady.

As a step mum I’m delighted that all my stepchildren acknowledge me on Mothers’ Day. It’s really heartwarming.

In much the same way you can put the effort in and deal with shit in an adult relationship, sometimes for many years, and still be banging your head against the wall years down the line... it's no different.

@LucieStar

People forget that the step parent relationship is a reciprocal thing, influenced not only by how the child responds to your attempts to build a relationship, but also by multiple other factors outside of your control include amount of contact, the resident parent's (sometimes negative) influence on how SCs feel towards you, the expectations and/or limitations imposed upon you by your partner in terms of what degree of involvement you "should" be having, etc. You don't have to navigate any of this with your own DC. So no, it's not just as straightforward as "the onus is on SM to build a relationship" and so long as effort is made on her part, all will be well. Those who believe this have either never been SMs themselves, or have luckily not had to navigate the difficulties of the variables mentioned above.

Yes this, you've put it much more succinctly than me!

I think people forget (or choose to ignore) that the SM-SC relationship is a two way one like any other. It's not simply a case of SM makes the effort and is lovely, kind and welcoming and all is dandy. There is another human on the end of that relationship, child or not makes no difference - they are responding to that effort regardless and bringing their own personality and interaction to the table. That affects the dynamic whether people want to recognise it or not. Added to this, the SM-SC relationship is in some ways harder to establish than that with your own child or any other adult, because it's affected by outside influences and dynamics over which you have little control (dynamics that don't affect other types of relationship including the parent-child one or the partner-partner one), including first and foremost the dynamics brought to the table by the child's two parents. You're essentially caught in the middle of all of that, trying to navigate the influence of multiple personalities and relationships.

So your own efforts are one small part of the picture. I stand by what I said - those who feel they've had it easy in forming positive SM-SC relationships or feel they are "excellent" SMs, have not just achieved this simply because they "put in the required effort" - they have almost certainly also (luckily) had a relatively easier ride in terms of the multiple and complex dynamics outlined above that affect the relationship.

You're not their Mum.

And don't we know it . I very much love my DSChildren and think we have a pretty good relationship but I would never expect anything on Mother's Day, if nothing else they might upset their Mum.

However, plenty of step parents do lots of stuff for their partners children and get very little if any acknowledgement, tis the life of a step!

I stand by what I said - those who feel they've had it easy in forming positive SM-SC relationships or feel they are "excellent" SMs, have not just achieved this simply because they "put in the required effort" - they have almost certainly also (luckily) had a relatively easier ride in terms of the multiple and complex dynamics outlined above that affect the relationship.

Absolutely agree, well said!

@aSofaNearYou

I agree with you. The reason my DSis’s relationship with her DSS has always been so good has everything to do with how the adults got on with each other. They did all they could to make it work and nothing negative was ever said to him about it.

I'm a stepmum with fertility trouble and no children of my own. It would mean the world to me if I got a card, but I know I won't.

My stepson doesn't do anything but my partner always buys me a beautiful bouquet of flowers on mother's day to show that he appreciates the things I do, stepson is a teen now and I have been in his life since he was 6, we have a good relationship. Ironically he is here every weekend so he is always here for Mother's Day

I mean it would be lovely if your step children wanted to buy you a gift for Mother’s Day. I have a friend who has always bought for her step mum as well as her mother and spends time with both on the day.

However I guess I feel it should be led by the child themselves. Who they feel has a ‘mother’ role in their life.

I don’t think there is any ‘shoulda’ with things like Mother’s Day. I mean it’s just a made up thing really isn’t it.

I do think it’s sad their dad didn’t buy something for the children to give them mum when they were young. Despite the history between them it would have been a nice thing to do for the children. Maybe that contributed to them not seeing Mother’s Day as a significant event if it wasn’t recognised in their fathers household by the father?

It depends. I get Mother's Day cards for my mum, my MIL and my godmother. I see it as celebrating any woman who has a mothering role.

I agree on paper about the surroundings having a bearing on the SC/SP relationship but Im the exception to the rule then. My DF had an affair with OW while my DM was pregnant with me. He gaslit DM continuously about it and hit her during her pregnancy. I was born and my 8 year old DSister was taken on a day out with DF & OW (my DM did not know OW was there obviously). DS came home and told DM that she had been with daddys "girlfriend" (clearly one of them had said this to DS but both denied it). DM left him. DF then married OW and they were together (and had children together) for over 30 years. During that time DF had a business with OW that earned 6 figures. My mothers version is that he took £600ish a month wage and paid pittance in child support. However they would happily pay my school fees and uniform and after school activities and clothing (to be used between both houses) etc. They just didnt hand over cash. DM sees it as they played the system over the years. My DM hates him and still wont have his name said. If he is invited to our weddings or children's christenings or birthdays, DM kicks off and wont come. She has not been in a room with him for over 30 years. Growing up I would go to his house at the weekend (and a lot more as I got older) and DM would not speak to me for 2 days after I returned. It was horrendous. I would make Fathers Day gifts in school and hide them from her. She made my life hell over him and called him (and OW) every name under the sun. As a result I dont have a good relationship with her. DF I also dont have much respect for after hearing things. OW I adore. She never once mentioned the divorce or my DM to me (apart from positive things if I told a story involving DM). She was, and is, an amazing lady to me. She encouraged me. She was the one who had the future conversations with me and listened to me. Encouraged me to go to university. Looked after my emotional wellbeing. My half siblings are lovely people with a great relationship with her. She has never made me feel "Less than" my half siblings. She never called herself my mum or tried to do that. However I always remember meeting one of her friends in the supermarket when I was about 8 and them chatting. I heard her say "yes, these are my children. Flick is 8, X is 4 and Y is 2".

So sometimes relationships can be borne out of a hateful situation. Even after I have grown up and know "everything" (or as much as I'm going to know), shes the better parent out of all 3 of them and the only one who I believe put me first and tried to repair the damage done.

Also she did not share mothers day. As she wasnt my mother. That day was for my mother. She was my stepmother. Which is a role in itself. Both ladies deserved their own days for what they did for me. DStepmum didnt actually have a "step parents day" as I didnt know that existed but my grandmother (DFs mum) used to help me celebrate DStepmum on another day and we would make cards and pick flowers. It must have been around mothers day because I remember picking bluebells and daffodils for her when I was little.

@BrumBoo

No, unless you are their primary 'mother like' carer I'm afraid I disagree that you should get anything. It would be nice if you did but certainly not an expectation.

DS lives with his dad & stepmum so technically I'm not his primary carer does that mean I shouldn't get anything for Mother's Day?

OP it's not unreasonable at all - but as others say it depends on the family dynamics. Involved, present & take a maternal role in their lives (be that mother, aunt, big sister type role) then you should definitely be acknowledged, barely acknowledge their presence then no - no card for you on Sunday.

@Youseethethingis Sorry to cause any offence - obviously your situation is not the type I’m referring to. I meant in situations where the step-parent is disinterested and it’s 100% their own choice not to be involved. It was not meant to be a sweeping statement of all situations.

[quote justforthis7]@Youseethethingis Sorry to cause any offence - obviously your situation is not the type I’m referring to. I meant in situations where the step-parent is disinterested and it’s 100% their own choice not to be involved. It was not meant to be a sweeping statement of all situations.[/quote]
But the point is amongst a whole host of things that lead to a step parent being "less" than a third parent figure, the SP alone being cold and disinterested, among SC, NRPs and RPs who are all ready and eager for them to come in and be parent number 3, is just one scenario that is neither the only one possible, or the most common. And yet people on here like to present the situation as if this is what usually happens.

I would be totally peed off if my children did, sorry.

OP, MN hates step mothers, so I hope you're thick skinned!

I am a step mum and also a mum mum and my daughter also has a step mum, although they're not married. I make sure she has made her a Mother's Day card. She looks after her and is a mother figure when my child is at her dads house and they get on. I have no issues with her so it's no skin off my nose to do it.

If I hated her then I might have a different approach though!

I don't expect anything from my step children, but then I get 'acknowledged' via my daughter so maybe I exist in less of a void, if that makes sense.

Hope you have a good day, even if you don't get a card. Being a (good) step parent is really hard, as coming from someone who has done/is doing both, it's harder than parenting your own child.

[quote justforthis7]@Youseethethingis Sorry to cause any offence - obviously your situation is not the type I’m referring to. I meant in situations where the step-parent is disinterested and it’s 100% their own choice not to be involved. It was not meant to be a sweeping statement of all situations.[/quote]
See I still think that is a damaging assessment of step parenting.

If the DC would like (and are "permitted" by both of DCs parents) to have an involved step parent figure in their lives then 100% of the responsibility lies with the parent themselves to ensure they don't get serious with someone who is disinterested in such a role.

The truth is most (I think) people start out wanting to make an effort with their partner's children and depending on the many variables outlined upthread it might turn out well, it might not. Most children (and a lot of adults tbf!) are not going to have the insight to recognise the larger dynamics at play as to how a relationship between step parent and step child pans out - by the time they are old enough chances are the step parent has withdrawn for the sake of their own mental health and the child will have no reason to question what's happened because all they'll assume is that their step parent was never interested.

I literally had zero issues with my DSC until their mum started stirring the pot just after DH and I got married.

And of course as in any walk of life, some people are simply arseholes - and inevitably some of them will find themselves in a step parenting role because not every parent makes good choices. If a child's parent brings a string of bad partners into their household it's emotionally much easier for the unfortunate DC on the receiving end of that arseholery to assume that step parenting as a concept is the problem, rather than holding their actual parent to account for continually choosing unsuitable partners.

It's a fucking minefield and I would never, ever go there again.

But no, I don't think the onus is mainly on SPs to make it work. In my opinion, the greatest onus should be on the parents

As expected, you completely missed my point. Not sure how when it was so explicit, but I was specifically talking about the step-parent/child relationship. Not the parents.

I stand by what I said - those who feel they've had it easy in forming positive SM-SC relationships or feel they are "excellent" SMs, have not just achieved this simply because they "put in the required effort" - they have almost certainly also (luckily) had a relatively easier ride in terms of the multiple and complex dynamics outlined above that affect the relationship

Did anyone say they did achieve it "simply" because of anything? Or that it was simple? I didn't, and I don't see anyone else saying it either.
Its probably best to respond to posts people actually make. If you want to invent things and then argue against them, you could do that all in your own little head and save the rest of us the annoyance of having to read your posts to no-one.

My step brothers always send my mum a card and gift for Mother’s Day..and I always send my stepdad something on Father’s Day. It depends on your relationship with the kids I suppose.

I'm both a mum and a step mum, my DSS is late teens now and I've known him since he was 4. Sometimes he gets me a card, sometimes he doesn't. Mostly down to DH not reminding him (when he was younger), now he's a typical teen only thinking of himself. It does annoy me though as I feel unappreciated. Even just a text on mothers day would be nice. I guess I would just like him to voluntarily think of me and acknowledge my role, rather than totally ignoring it.

As expected, you completely missed my point. Not sure how when it was so explicit, but I was specifically talking about the step-parent/child relationship. Not the parents

You missed Lucies point that the parents are the ones with the greatest power/influence to make the relationship between steps and kids into what it ends up as.
Dripping poison = bad relationship
Speaking positively = good relationship
Obviously not as simple as that and everyone will play their part but the parents do set the scene for anyone in their child’s life, for good or ill.