Stepmum and mothers day

[Thattimeoftheyearagain]

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

@CandyLeBonBon I’ve replied to your post that you’ve mentioned ME in. That’s the ops quote btw, as requested

I like my stepmother and buy her a card. I buy my own mother one out of fear/guilt as she always kicks off on Mother's Day. YANBU OP.

@BungleandGeorge my 'erm no' wax in reference to that fact that you stated that every post indicates animosity. I was suggesting that wasn't the case.

I always bought for both my stepmum and stepdad. But then in our family, they were considered to be extra parents. Each to their own but I never understand the anti-step thing I see on Mumsnet so often, the step relationship is so undervalued. Lots of ‘they’re not my kids’ or ‘you’re not their mum’. No but they are your stepkids/you are their stepmum, so surely a familial/parental relationship is normal and to be encouraged (not forced of course).

My DC wouldn't think of getting their step mum anything but I always make sure they send her a card. She doesn't even like me and has been a right cow this year but she does a lot for the DC when they're at their dad's. It's right that they take a few minutes to thank her.

I've been a Step mother for over 30 years and have always had cards, really appreciated it.

My bestie raises her step kids. Mum visits them on a sunday. I really hope her husbands getting her something amazing for mothers day.

Lots of ‘they’re not my kids’ or ‘you’re not their mum’. No but they are your stepkids/you are their stepmum, so surely a familial/parental relationship is normal and to be encouraged (not forced of course)

I don't think this necessarily has to be the case for a pleasant relationship to flourish but what I will say is I don't think one can happen without the other. You get lots of people saying things like 'well you chose this, the children didn't' but I don't see how anyone can see children as 'their own' in any sort of way if those children don't at least in some way see and think of them in a parental type role in their lives and vice versa. At the end of the day you can't force genuine emotions and feelings because you 'chose' something.

I learnt to accept a long time ago that I'll never fit the SM expectation of 'love like your own' and so on. No amount of telling me how I chose this will change who I love and in what way.

I bake with her, read to her, bathe her, help her with school work, dry her tears at night, play with her... I don’t think it unreasonable at all. Just as a gesture.

I have a step mum we do something for her the same as we do my mum. I’m a step mum myself and I get something from both my DSS and DD. So I think it would be normal to receive an acknowledgment x

I think a lot of these YABU replies are personal to them. I think have a chat with your partner because they should organise/ help organise xxx

I dont know it depends on how much you do and how important etc, ie if you have them most of the time etc then yes woould be nice but don't just expect it and don't be upset if not

I give my stepmum flowers and a card and so does my boyfriend for his. She massively appreciates it especially as her own son doesn’t bother!
Nice gesture and the right thing to do in my opinion.

Lots of ‘they’re not my kids’ or ‘you’re not their mum’. No but they are your stepkids/you are their stepmum, so surely a familial/parental relationship is normal and to be encouraged (not forced of course)

Not necessarily at all. See above where posters said "I married their father, not them, I'm not their parent and I'll only do as a I choose". If they don't feel like they owe the children a parental relationship, the children are hardly going to be giving them presents on mothers day. Lets not pretend all stepmothers are doting mother figures.

I don’t really understand the level of vitriol some people in here have for step mothers. It’s one of the weird MN tropes

It depends on the relationship. I can hand on heart say that my step mum brought a lot of misery into my life. As a result I’ve put up with a lot of crap from my DH because I’d rather do that than bring a step mum or dad into my child’s life.

Some people have lovely ones. For others it’s a terrible experience.

@FullofCurryandparatha Yes, that’s exactly my point - I personally can’t understand marrying someone with children if you’re not willing to take on a parental role. It sounds very hurtful for the children. In those cases, indeed why should the stepmum get a card on Mother’s Day. Sorry, I was really just going off on a tangent and moaning about the weird attitude towards step families that is often found on here

Not necessarily at all. See above where posters said "I married their father, not them, I'm not their parent and I'll only do as a I choose". If they don't feel like they owe the children a parental relationship, the children are hardly going to be giving them presents on mothers day. Lets not pretend all stepmothers are doting mother figures.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment that neither party might necessarily feel a parent/child connection, this is very much a chicken and egg situation. It's unfair to put all the "blame" for SP situations where the SP doesn't behave or be treated like a third parent, on them - as though everyone else involved including the children, parents and society at large generally make slipping into the role easy for them.

I think it depends on the individual circumstances. Some step-parents do more for the children than their parents do. If you’re just a weekend step-mum then no, I don’t think you deserve the credit but if you raise them 50% of the time or even the majority of the time then a card would be nice.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment that neither party might necessarily feel a parent/child connection, this is very much a chicken and egg situation

Is it though? That implies both sides are on equal terms, and they are not. If you choose to become a SM, the onus is very much on you to make it work.

I object to lumping all stepmothers into the same bracket anyway. There are stepmothers who have full time care of their SDC, and stepmothers who want rid of their SDC and do everything possible to cut them off, and everything in between. I would say the majority are on an EOW type basis, which doesn't put them in a strong position to claim mothertype status. 2 nights out of every 14 isn't really card territory, unless of course the children themselves want it.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment that neither party might necessarily feel a parent/child connection, this is very much a chicken and egg situation. It's unfair to put all the "blame" for SP situations where the SP doesn't behave or be treated like a third parent, on them - as though everyone else involved including the children, parents and society at large generally make slipping into the role easy for them.

100%

People forget that the step parent relationship is a reciprocal thing, influenced not only by how the child responds to your attempts to build a relationship, but also by multiple other factors outside of your control include amount of contact, the resident parent's (sometimes negative) influence on how SCs feel towards you, the expectations and/or limitations imposed upon you by your partner in terms of what degree of involvement you "should" be having, etc. You don't have to navigate any of this with your own DC. So no, it's not just as straightforward as "the onus is on SM to build a relationship" and so long as effort is made on her part, all will be well. Those who believe this have either never been SMs themselves, or have luckily not had to navigate the difficulties of the variables mentioned above.

Some step-parents do more for the children than their parents do.

That certainly was the case for my DSis with her DSS. She was a SAHM, with three DC of her own with her DSS’s dad, as he was the resident parent. She was careful not to step on his mum’s toes (he stayed with her EOW) and he called her by her first name. But she loves him as much as her own DC.

I never asked her about Mother’s Day cards, though.

It sounds very hurtful for the children
That’s the sort of sweeping assumption that can actually be quite damaging.
My DSDs mother lectured me when I first met her how I wasn’t to get involved in the care of her daughter, as I wasn’t her mother.
I’ve never particularly wanted or needed to get involved beyond the general being nice to her. So I took my lecture as it made the ex feel better to put me in my place.
Everyone’s happy. Th least thing DSD needs is me wading in and parenting her, not least because I think her mother has very odd ideas about child rearing as I’m sure she would think about me if she knew much about how I parent my own child.

I’m a step child, and I send a card to my step mum. She does the mothering and is a good granny to my DC.

So no, it's not just as straightforward as "the onus is on SM to build a relationship" and so long as effort is made on her part, all will be well. Those who believe this have either never been SMs themselves, or have luckily not had to navigate the difficulties of the variables mentioned above.

I didn't say "all will be well" or imply it, and I am a SM (an excellent one).
The point remains that as the adult who made a choice its on you to put the hard work in and deal with the shit, and as the child who had no choice, it isn't.