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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum and mothers day

484 replies

Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 13:19

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 21:01

I suppose DH associates MD with his ex wife? I think I’ve answered my own question.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 11/03/2021 21:04

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

My husband didn’t bother to buy his ex wife gifts for Mother’s Day because she cheated on him with his brother! So to those throwing insults about him being a bad husband and father, please don’t assume.
Wow! That's quite a reason! Honestly op. I suspect that MD has toxic associations for him and so he won't see its relevance to you?

On behalf of your step-teens - happy Mother's Day ThanksWineCake

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/03/2021 21:04

No, I wouldn’t expect a gift on mothers day when they have a mum. Very different if the step parent has adopted them.

Children get no say in step parents, the adults want the relationship and the children have to go along with it. Maybe that’s why there’s no official day.

Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 21:08

If a step mum adopts the child are they then their mum?

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 11/03/2021 21:12

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

If a step mum adopts the child are they then their mum?
Yes, legally
SnarkyBag · 11/03/2021 21:14

@Thattimeoftheyearagain

If a step mum adopts the child are they then their mum?
Erm yes because adopted parents are the child’s parents and the birth parents aren’t typically involved in the child’s life
Candyfloss99 · 11/03/2021 21:15

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

No, I wouldn’t expect a gift on mothers day when they have a mum. Very different if the step parent has adopted them.

Children get no say in step parents, the adults want the relationship and the children have to go along with it. Maybe that’s why there’s no official day.

Children get no no say in who their parents are either 🤔
Original poster
Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 21:19

@SnarkyBag thanks. I was making the point to @IceCreamAndCandyfloss

OP posts:
Raggletaggles · 11/03/2021 21:22

My son’s step-mum is fantastic so he’s making her a card and I’ve bought some gifts for him to give her. She absolutely deserves it and does so much for him.

Lilybeanbag · 11/03/2021 21:23

I think it depends on your relationship with the kids surely? I always go out of my way to make sure my stepdad feels appreciated on Father's Day, he's been in my life for 20 or so years now and has been as much of a Dad as you could ask for!
I imagine if I had as good of a relationship with past or present stepmums I'd have been inclined to grab a box of chocs or bunch of flowers.
On the other hand, I'm not sure if I could have managed to navigate the situation as a teenager.

LeSquigh · 11/03/2021 21:23

My DS has a stepmum. I am more than happy that he gets her a card and a gift on Mother’s Day. She cares for him as a mother when he’s with his dad and she is the mum of his sibling.

Pumpkinpied · 11/03/2021 21:24

So much anger towards step-mothers on this post. DB has a daughter from his first marriage and two ex-step daughters. DB very much considers them all to be his daughters. He has been married to his second wife for 25 years. She has no biological children. On Sunday she will receive cards and gifts from all three of these women who consider her a part of their lives and each of their children refer to her a nanny xxx. They have a beautiful family dynamic built on love and respect. Sunday doesn’t have to be either/or.
I hope all of you saying no do not buy anything on Father’s Day for your husbands/partners if they’re not the biological father of the child, even if they’ve been a part of their lives for many years.

Teardrop2021 · 11/03/2021 21:26

Yabu its all depends on the choice on the child and how they feel about their relationship with their step parent ds has a SD and SM and as he gets older the choice is entirely up to him no pressure hes had both step parents in his life from the age of 2.

BungleandGeorge · 11/03/2021 21:30

[quote mainsfed]@BungleandGeorge can you quote where OP says she feels entitled to a card? No, because she didn’t. Plenty of people have said they give their SMS a MD card, there’s no right or wrong answer.[/quote]
Every post pretty much indicates that, so much animosity coming across! You don’t make sure the kids have got mum a card on Mother’s Day so that you can personally do something nice for your ex, you do it for the kid. And to show them that it’s nice to appreciate the people who care for them. Ultimately the kids should get cards for however they would like to get cards for, facilitated by the adults if they’re too young to do it themselves. Most of us didn’t really appreciate our parents until we left home and had to be independent so I’m not surprised the amount of people saying that they got something from the step children then! If it’s not freely given though I don’t really see the value

Fleetw00d · 11/03/2021 21:31

I don't think you should expect anything. Personally I will recognise my step mum but she would never 'expect' me too. Similarly I would never expect it from my step child, I will be the best step mum I can be but because of the relationship I want to have with him, not to be recognised for it on a specific day of the year. It's totally your step child's choice, if they decide to then great, if they decide they just want to recognise their mum that's also great.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/03/2021 21:42
  • can you quote where OP says she feels entitled to a card? No, because she didn’t. Plenty of people have said they give their SMS a MD card, there’s no right or wrong answer.* Every post pretty much indicates that, so much animosity coming across**

Erm no.

mainsfed · 11/03/2021 21:53

@BungleandGeorge

Every post pretty much indicates that, so much animosity coming across! You don’t make sure the kids have got mum a card on Mother’s Day so that you can personally do something nice for your ex, you do it for the kid.

What animosity? Because OP doesn’t make her husband get a card for his ex who cheated on him with his brother?!

LindaEllen · 11/03/2021 21:56

@FullofCurryandparatha

As the replies you've received on this post show, stepmums are expected to step up and provide the care and love of a biological parent, without having any of the benefits including a) being allowed an opinion or to be part of decisions or b) for their input to be recognised.

They don't show any such thing. I have never seen such bias on any thread as stepomothers thinking everyone is out to get them!

That's not true. But there is an undercurrent of stepmums not deserving Mother's Day recognition in this thread. For sure. It's the general opinion of this forum in general. You have to be like a mother, without ever forgetting you're not their mother and cannot claim to be their mother.
purpleme12 · 11/03/2021 22:00

I would never want my stepmum or stepdad to be like my mum or dad though

CandyLeBonBon · 11/03/2021 22:00

@LindaEllen surely everything is dependent on the relationship dynamic that exists in the family in question? We don't really know enough in this instance to call it either way tbh. Stepmums are not b&w saints/sinners and neither are their mothers. There's so much nuance involved in every blended/step family, it's impossible to say.

BungleandGeorge · 11/03/2021 22:02

@CandyLeBonBon

* can you quote where OP says she feels entitled to a card? No, because she didn’t. Plenty of people have said they give their SMS a MD card, there’s no right or wrong answer.* Every post pretty much indicates that, so much animosity coming across**

Erm no.

🤣 I don’t EXPECT anything. I just wondered if it was unreasonable to think being thanked would be a nice gesture.

Some very insecure mothers on here I think.

It’s all so passive aggressive. Many people are actually speaking as stepmums and as the child, and saying it shouldn’t be expected but easier to say they must be unreasonable mothers than accept a different opinion

Worldwide2 · 11/03/2021 22:22

I think it depends on how close you are I guess? It's a tricky one I get why you would like the acknowledgement but you can't really ask for it.
Maybe they would feel disloyal to their mum if they were to get you anything?
This isn't really a black and white situation lots of grey areas.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/03/2021 22:23

@BungleandGeorge Thankyou. For all that you do. I'm sorry if that doesn't happen in your life.

If you'd read any of the posts I've written, you would have seen that I have not trashed stepmums. That I recognised the often unrecognised efforts stepmums put in, even though the biological dads involved seem less bothered. You will also have seen that I recognise all situations are different and nothing is black and white.

At no stage gave I suggested that it is unreasonable to hoe for some recognition. And in spite of my less than comfortable relationship with my exH's dp, I recognise that she plays a part in my children's lives and I respect her efforts.

Perhaps before ranting at ME, you might like to look at my posts?

BrittyBrassic · 11/03/2021 23:00

It's going to vary from family to family imo.

I don't think it should be expected but some may choose to do so and that's lovely.

But by the same token, I don't think there should be such high expectations of step mother's either to love like their own etc etc...

Myyearmytime · 11/03/2021 23:05

If you want a card and present then tell your DH/DP as it him that will sort out for kids . Even if they older it up to him to make happen .
The children won't think about themselves.

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