**Trigger Warning** Talk me down... 2yo saying he was touched at nursery

[Zara0123]

Name changed.
Potentially I'm being unreasonable because there is a history of sexual abuse within my family (not involving me or dc directly) but it's made me very anxious.
Ds is almost 3. He goes to a private nursery 3 days a week. A man started working there as a nursery nurse a few months back.
DS really likes him, talks about him fondly etc. We obviously don't really know him due to Covid we haven't had the opportunity, plus ds has a different keyworker who comes outside at handover.

Today ds came out and didn't look himself. He immediately started asking for daddy which is out of character. He was tearful. I bathed him when we got home and as soon as his bum hit the water he started screaming, saying " hurt my bum today after I did a poo. Dont touch me mummy. hurt me bad. He not my friend now. He hurt my bumhole when he touched it".
He wouldn't sit down or anything I ended up getting him out and just cuddling him till he calmed down. He let me put cream on him.
We have had dinner and his dad has tried to talk to him. He just keeps repeating that he hurt his bumhole and he isnt his friend. He is saying he was using tissue so I just don't know whats happened. He is not a kid who ever complains about anything! And he doesnt suffer with sore bum.

I feel sick, but I know I'm potentially being o.t.t. Would i feel this way if he said it about one of the females? Probably not.

What would you do?

*Why? What if this man has done things to other children?

If he hasn't then all good. If he has then not telling nursery would put other children at continued risk*

Firstly, there is a chance the nursery manager could speak to this worker and put him on guard.
Someone trained needs to assess the facts.

Oh and I agree that your DS should be checked by your GP. They can help decipher whether this is innocent or something more sinister.

Agree with all those saying please act tonight.

@fortunesfave...speaking to the nursery first would only give an opportunity for them to brush it off as an "accident" to protect their reputation...seeking medical advise will at least give op some idea as to what has happened..a medical professional will be able to advise on what steps to take...

You need to be contacting the police this evening. This needs investigating properly. No leading questions to be asked by yourselves as it could put words in his mouth. It needs to be handled by trained child protection officers. The nature of what he has said needs investigating, because he refers to the adult as 'a friend' this is not usual and he is adamant his bottom has been hurt.

My three went to private nurseries and then preschool at their school. It was all of their policies even if it wasn’t a requirement. They all had books and every nappy change was recorded. Once out of nappies, every time they had to be helped was also recorded and staff present (in the private nurseries). In preschool- any soiling required two adults to be present to clean and change. It was written in the book and told to parents when they collected their children.

I just presumed that was a requirement because they did it so well.

@Goldylion

I don’t think you are being OTT. I actually think this needs reporting to the police & your son may need medical attention.

Absolutely not.

OP, speak to the nursery. You need to find out your facts.

OP you need to contact the nursery urgently and find out if staff changing children are making sure they are doing it in pairs

I dont think OP should be wording it like that. Saying it that way is as good as making the direct allegation. Suggest something like "did x notice anything when wiping today as my boy said it hurt, if not did their colleague with them notice anything". Subtle difference buy going in with an allegation from the offset is not the best way of dealing with it.

@Jamboree01

My three went to private nurseries and then preschool at their school. It was all of their policies even if it wasn’t a requirement. They all had books and every nappy change was recorded. Once out of nappies, every time they had to be helped was also recorded and staff present (in the private nurseries). In preschool- any soiling required two adults to be present to clean and change. It was written in the book and told to parents when they collected their children.

I just presumed that was a requirement because they did it so well.

Yes, every nursery I've known needs two for a change, but in covid times I've seen it brought down to one.

@RootyT00t

No the OP does not need to find facts, that is what the professionals do, not the parents.

@MNHQ - we really, really need to have a pinned thread for this because time, and time again, there's really poor advice given on threads like this. Can you ask NSPCC to write something, or perhaps one of the professionals (or a group) on this thread would be willing to and you can certify their credentials somehow?

call the police. Keep all the clothing he was wearing in clean bags and do not handle them. That is far too specific for just a word with the manager.

@JellyBabiesFan

OP you need to contact the nursery urgently and find out if staff changing children are making sure they are doing it in pairs

I dont think OP should be wording it like that. Saying it that way is as good as making the direct allegation. Suggest something like "did x notice anything when wiping today as my boy said it hurt, if not did their colleague with them notice anything". Subtle difference buy going in with an allegation from the offset is not the best way of dealing with it.

Why? Why does OP have to be all careful about this? She doesn't! Her son has said a very worrying thing....other children could be at risk.

Yes, it COULD be something innocent like a fissure but if it is not, then skirting round it puts other kids at risk.

This is a little child...there's no need to be polite when a child's welfare is at risk.

@PinkiOcelot

I think the fact he was upset and not himself raises red flags to me. Bless him. Hope he’s ok xx

This ^ A child who has a sore bum for any number of normal reasons is not out of sorts or upset. Don’t call the nursery they are not going to say ‘yes he is a child abuser’ are they.

LAs issue their own ‘guidance’- whether it is a requirement I don’t know. As I said, CS would be able to confirm that.

Like I said my own experience is that providers are really thorough around this so that parents are very clear about what has happened around toileting. I’m very grateful to them for that. As I said that’s why I thought it was a requirement. The spaces were all very open plan and low doors for toilets etc- to protect staff as well as children .

Used to work in A&E and our safeguarding training was very specific, those are massive red flags. Please call the police, and don't wash the child if possible.

Why are people giving such shit advice here!

It is absolutely not the OP's job in these circumstances to tell the nursery and, as others with experience have advised, it would not be wise. That is a job for professionals and there is a process which should be followed - this will happen very quickly when necessary to protect others.

Do not sleep on it OP, nor wait for your own GP tomorrow.

When abuse is happening, something is often seen or heard by someone, or it might just be a feeling that something is off. It is often dismissed as innocent, explained away or not my business. Sometimes it is not faced because the thought is so awful. In most cases it will be innocent and hopefully this is one of them. But if it is not checked out and it is of concern, that opportunity to protect is lost, sometimes forever.

[quote TubbyUnicorn]@RootyT00t

No the OP does not need to find facts, that is what the professionals do, not the parents.

@MNHQ - we really, really need to have a pinned thread for this because time, and time again, there's really poor advice given on threads like this. Can you ask NSPCC to write something, or perhaps one of the professionals (or a group) on this thread would be willing to and you can certify their credentials somehow?[/quote]
Hang on.

You think she should call the police and say what? My child says he wiped his bum and it hurts?

During the hubs we were helping a child get changed and the princess material scratched her arm. We cleaned it, treated it, and logged it.

What would have happened if they had phoned the police and said we scratched her?,

The poor advice is to call the police! This man could have a shadow attached to him and this could be completely innocent.

If NSPCC or a professional writes otherwise I will backtrack but with respect, you've just decided what YOU think is right

I think I would also be concerned about a child saying "bumhole"! What a word to teach a child.

@anamazingfind

Used to work in A&E and our safeguarding training was very specific, those are massive red flags. Please call the police, and don't wash the child if possible.

Why are people giving such shit advice here!

What is a red flag? The child has literally said his bum is sore.

OP shouldn't be contacting the nursery at all until she has sought medical attention and police if advised!

If anything untoward has happened the police/safe guarding officer will liaise with them and take any action they deem necessary.

Informing the nursery could, at worst, cause them to close ranks and attempt cover up any bad/abusive practice.

I really wouldn't send him in tomorrow. You need to speak to the manager there asap and I do agree that taking your son to the GP or A&E to have him checked is a very good idea.

Whatever has happened, your son is distressed and clearly in pain. Sending him back in tomorrow without immediate changes is highly unadvisable.

I would speak to a medical professional, get your son checked & take advice re; forming a complaint. Yes, the mentioning of tissue is a good sign but your job is to protect your son and advocate for him, not keep the peace and worry about people losing their jobs.

It is good practice for 2 staff members to accompany children to the bathroom and if this does turn out to be an accidental injury from wiping then I would still insist that this member of staff never takes your child to the bathroom again as your DS will be fearful of it happening again.

What an awful situation to find yourself in, OP. I do hope it's sorted quickly and the innocent explanation is the right one.x.

@anamazingfind

Used to work in A&E and our safeguarding training was very specific, those are massive red flags. Please call the police, and don't wash the child if possible.

Why are people giving such shit advice here!

Because people are very scared in general of authority. They fear being told off for making a fuss, they're scared to draw attention to themselves.

I don't think our nursery have two to change or toilet, but the door is frosted glass.

However, as a pp said - if dd had mentioned any discomfort or soreness at the time it would have been communicated at handover.

With the amount of distress OPs DS has shown at home, it seems like an incident that caused him pain should have been noted and reported at handover, that it wasn't would be an issue in itself.

Has anyone thought about the poor man you have already sent to the gallows?

@percheron67

I think I would also be concerned about a child saying "bumhole"! What a word to teach a child.

@percheron67 what on earth is wrong with bum hole? That's exactly what it is!