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Original poster

**Trigger Warning** Talk me down... 2yo saying he was touched at nursery

354 replies

Zara0123 · 10/03/2021 18:42

Name changed.
Potentially I'm being unreasonable because there is a history of sexual abuse within my family (not involving me or dc directly) but it's made me very anxious.
Ds is almost 3. He goes to a private nursery 3 days a week. A man started working there as a nursery nurse a few months back.
DS really likes him, talks about him fondly etc. We obviously don't really know him due to Covid we haven't had the opportunity, plus ds has a different keyworker who comes outside at handover.

Today ds came out and didn't look himself. He immediately started asking for daddy which is out of character. He was tearful. I bathed him when we got home and as soon as his bum hit the water he started screaming, saying " hurt my bum today after I did a poo. Dont touch me mummy. hurt me bad. He not my friend now. He hurt my bumhole when he touched it".
He wouldn't sit down or anything I ended up getting him out and just cuddling him till he calmed down. He let me put cream on him.
We have had dinner and his dad has tried to talk to him. He just keeps repeating that he hurt his bumhole and he isnt his friend. He is saying he was using tissue so I just don't know whats happened. He is not a kid who ever complains about anything! And he doesnt suffer with sore bum.

I feel sick, but I know I'm potentially being o.t.t. Would i feel this way if he said it about one of the females? Probably not.

What would you do?

OP posts:
PapaSierra · 10/03/2021 19:59

I really hope OP is leaving it until tomorrow Sad

Jamboree01 · 10/03/2021 19:59

PS local authorities issue guidance on eyfs toileting care. When you speak to CS, they will be able to confirm if there should be two adults present. The LADO will obs look into all of that but it might put your mind at ease a little if that’s the case

iolaus · 10/03/2021 20:00

Please get him checked

One thing though that I just want to say you say you wouldn't have (or may not have) been concerned if it was a female member of staff - if a child came home saying that, no matter who they are saying did the hurting then you need to be concerned - yes it may be nothing, but it's not worth the risk

Goldylion · 10/03/2021 20:00

@Whippyflipp yes I would, I work in this field. Disclosures from children come in all forms. It may be something & it may be nothing. However, nursery managers are in no way equipped to talk to a staff member about this. It needs professionally investigating.

frubr · 10/03/2021 20:01

Please get him seen tonight. I know it can seem a little drastic but the sooner the better if it is sinister.

I'd also not be contacting the nursery until you've sought advice from CS.

DartmoorDoughnut · 10/03/2021 20:01

Hope you’re ok too btw OP Flowers

I get that even the possibility of it being something sinister is terrifying but your DS should really be checked tonight I think.

winniesanderson · 10/03/2021 20:03

I work in a nursery. And I agree with previous posters, do not contact the nursery at this stage. And don't worry about any of the staff there and what it might mean for them. Truly. Your child is the priority here and something has obviously caused them distress. The nursery would expect it to be investigated , just as they would have to were it said to them, and you don't owe them a heads up. We would be discouraged from giving a parent a warning if roles were reversed.

If you Google your local area and child safeguarding you should find a unit or hub which will have an out of hours contact number and where they would be able to give you advice on the next steps.

There is no rule about ratios around toileting. But bathrooms should be open and accessible to other staff. Other adults may have been around at the time. And an investigation would be able to show more light on what happened. And even if it isn't anything sinister in the end, you're still doing the right thing.

JollyGreenGiantess · 10/03/2021 20:03

[quote Whippyflipp]@Goldylion seriously ? You'd call the police ? I think talking to the nursery manager first might be more useful.[/quote]
Goes against all safeguarding advice. Institutions can and do close ranks in these situations.

JollyGreenGiantess · 10/03/2021 20:05

@AlohaMolly

Just another thought as well - I was a teacher ina primary school. If one of my pupils, especially 3-4 year olds, hurt themselves to the point of distress then I would have a quick word with whoever picked them up. Any accident, be that a fall in the playground or bumping heads or trapping a finger in a drawer, would have been recorded in our accident book and a copy sent home.

Does your son have some sort of home/nursery communication book? Is there a handover routine? I would have expected it to be mentioned then if it was an accident, like ‘I’m ever so sorry Mrs X but I am DS’ keyworker today and while I was helping him wipe his bottom I must have wiped a bit hard and he says it hurt. I just wanted to let you know.’

Really good point
isadorapolly · 10/03/2021 20:05

Please get him seen tonight op and dont let him go back there tomorrow.

Iwantacookie · 10/03/2021 20:06

OP I think you've been given some really good advice. Here's hoping it's nothing sinister.

TheVolturi · 10/03/2021 20:06

This is my worst fear op, definitely get professional advice tonight, police would be my first thought.

LouLou198 · 10/03/2021 20:06

I don't think you are overreacting at all. It was always the rule of 2 in bathrooms at our nursery. Please do not leave this, ring out of hours gp, or 111 tonight if you don't have a contact.

Unalome · 10/03/2021 20:07

Thinking of you and your DS, OP. Flowers

There has been lots of great advice on this thread from various professionals.

PinkiOcelot · 10/03/2021 20:08

I think the fact he was upset and not himself raises red flags to me. Bless him. Hope he’s ok xx

FortunesFave · 10/03/2021 20:11

I cannot believe people making up potential excuses.

It doesn't matter if the man is innocent of doing harm.

What matters is there's a chance he IS NOT innocent of harm.

That's all that matters.

You need a doctor and to tell management.

If your son said "Tom hurt my head at nursery, he pushed me"

You would not hesitate to ask management what happened/report the statement.

This is NO different.

CantBeAssed · 10/03/2021 20:11

I would not be speaking to nursery..as other poster advised,take your son to be checked tonight...it may give you a better idea of what has happened..Flowers

Chienloup · 10/03/2021 20:11

Another person who works in safeguarding who would just like to reiterate the importance of seeking advice in real life tonight, now.
Go to A&E, call the police, or look up the number for your local safeguarding department and call them (duty social workers will be there over night).

Thurlow · 10/03/2021 20:11

I agree with the suggestion to see a doctor tonight and have him examined. You need proper medical expertise to tell you whether it's something routine like a fissure and being wiped too hard, or whether anything else has happened. Only then can you make an informed decision about what might have happened and what needs to be done.

FortunesFave · 10/03/2021 20:13

@CantBeAssed

I would not be speaking to nursery..as other poster advised,take your son to be checked tonight...it may give you a better idea of what has happened..Flowers
Why? What if this man has done things to other children?

If he hasn't then all good. If he has then not telling nursery would put other children at continued risk.

Reinventinganna · 10/03/2021 20:14

[quote Whippyflipp]@Goldylion seriously ? You'd call the police ? I think talking to the nursery manager first might be more useful.[/quote]
@Whippyflipp awful advice for a million different reasons.

CuteBear · 10/03/2021 20:14

An innocent explanation could be that your DS had diarrhoea or constipation, which hurt his bum (irritation or straining). Of course it would hurt if you wiped after straining.

Make a note of this - date, time, what your DS said. I think you need to mention this to the safeguarding lead at the nursery.

FortunesFave · 10/03/2021 20:14

@frubr

Please get him seen tonight. I know it can seem a little drastic but the sooner the better if it is sinister.

I'd also not be contacting the nursery until you've sought advice from CS.

If she does not tell nursery and the man has been doing things, then he can continue can't he? Even one day is too many days. The damage could be terrible. He'd still be around children.
Jamboree01 · 10/03/2021 20:15

Whatever you do, do not doubt you are doing the right thing by doing all of the above. You are doing the right thing by your child and he is the priority.

If it turns out to be completely innocent (which I pray it does) , it will help them improve their own practise and will help prevent this happening again. 💐

Jamboree01 · 10/03/2021 20:16

No because once CS and LADO are involved , there will be an immediate investigation

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